13 replies to this topic

[Darienne]

I'm not normally suspicious but the wife told me yesterday that Gavin from Autoglass came round and injected that special resin into her crack......................she hasn't even got a car!!

I hate crushing pills up and putting them in my Aunt’s dinner. I feel sneaky, but if I ever got her pregnant I wouldn't be able to forgive myself.

Matt Lucas's ex-partner hanged himself. Matt is said to be distraught but on a lighter note, he is now the only gay in the village

A little girl walks into her parents' bedroom.
" Holy F**k" she screams "And YOU want ME to see a doctor about sucking my thumb...!!

Wee Irish boy crying by the side of the road.
A man asks "What's wrong?"
Boy says "Me Ma is dead"
"Oh bejaysus" the man says "Do you want me to get Father O'Riley ?"
Wee boy replies"No thanks Mister, sex is the last ting on me moind roight now."

*** Once upon a time a guy asked a girl "Will you marry me?" . The girl said "No" and she lived happily ever after. She went shopping, drank vodka with friends, always had a clean house, never had to cook, had a wardrobe full of shoes and bags, stayed skinny and was never farted upon. The End.

Just had a call from a charity asking me to donate some of my clothes to the starving people of the world. Told them to " F**k Off". Anyone who fits into my clothes isn't starving!!!

Japanese scientists have now created a digital camera with such a fast speed that it's now possible to take a photograph of a woman with her gob shut.

Turned on my SatNav and it said 'Bear Left' and there was the zoo. How good is that?

I hate all this terrorist business. I used to love the days when you could look at an unattended bag on the train or bus and think " I'm f**king having that!"

Man lost in a hot air balloon over Ireland . He looks down and sees a farmer and shouts to him, "Where am I?"
The Irish farmer looks up and shouts back "You can't kid me ya b'stard, you're in that feckin basket!"

Paddy is cleaning his rifle and accidentally shoots his wife. He dials 999.
Paddy says "It's my wife, I've accidentally shot her. I've killed her"
Operator "Please calm down sir. Can you first make sure she really is dead?"
CLICK,BANG
Paddy "OK, done that, what next?

Just had the police at my front door saying that my dog has just attacked someone on a bike.
I said "that's bollock's,my dog doesn't have a bike!"

THE GERMAN TOURIST JUMPED IN AND SAVED THE DROWNING DOG.
UPON GETTING BACK UP ON THE BRIDGE HE CHECKED THE DOG OUT AND TOLD THE OWNER THAT "ZER DOG IS OK, AND VILL BE FINE"
SHE ASKED IF HE WAS A VET?
HE REPLIED, "VET, I'M F***ING SOAKED!”

A man walks into a Doctors surgery with some cellophane pants on.......doctor says......
I can clearly see your nuts !!!

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 180 in about 3 seconds."
I bought her some bathroom scale.

My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,
"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too.'

I came home the other night and my wife was lying naked on the bed.....I asked "what the bloody hell are you doing"
she says "i'm wearing my birthday suit"..........I say "Well you could have fooking ironed it"

A wise man once said.........You should treat your women like your hoover.
Once it stops sucking...............change the fooking bag.......!

Woman goes into a record shop and says , " do you have Jingle Bells on 7 inch " ?
Young lad says , " no but I've got dangly balls on a 9 inch " ! Woman says , " that's not a record is it " ?
Lad says , " its not fookin bad for a 16 yr old " !

I woke up this morning at 8 and just knew something was wrong. Got downstairs and the wife was face down on the kitchen floor not breathing. I panicked, didn't know what to do... then I remembered McDonalds serve breakfast until 10:30

I got a new step ladder the other day, Ive never met my real one

What do you call a nun in a wheelchair................. virgin mobile

[cashbox1]

fantastic

[Darienne]

Another one:

I bought a dog off a blacksmith today, As soon as I got him home he made a bolt for the door..

[fruitman69]

Some good ones there! Great stuff

[cainer]

i was halfway through reading that when all of a sudden we had a blackout in our street :/
it was ok though... someone shot him before he could steal anything.

Edited by cainer, 21 December 2010 - 01:43 PM.

[jim2311]

OMG...the jokes you get in Christmas crackers nowadays.

The one about the girl sucking her thumb...classic.
I'm going to forward them by email to a select few.

[stanmarsh14]

Me niece and her mate Callum came out with a cracking xmas song after seeing a play locally.....

on the 1st day of xmas my true love gave to me.... a bra that was ment to hold three

[moonman1975]

very good!! thanks for making me laugh

Edited by moonman1975, 22 December 2010 - 04:21 PM.

[daddymac]

very funny Darienne. Merry Christmas.

[impact]

Superb lmfaro

[skabaz]

Another one:

I bought a dog off a blacksmith today, As soon as I got him home he made a bolt for the door..

that is one of the best ones!!!

[Darienne]

....

Edited by Darienne, 09 January 2011 - 04:19 PM.

[dazman1980]

Brilliant!! just wondering how long before people ask me what im laughing at, at 6 in the morning, but thanks Darianne for brightening my day!