2120 replies to this topic

[mazooma]

April 29 - again - thanks for the ooops post Duplu !!
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A man arrived for a job interview and handed the manager his CV.
After reading it, the manager said, "I think we have an opening for you ."

"That's great!" the man replied.
"What is it?"

The manager answered, "The door."

[RB]

Q: If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love?







A. The swallow.

[todd1970]

You just came to Texas Tech University as a freshman...
You are SO PROUD that you have been chosen to pump up the crowd as the school's 'BELL RINGER' during the big game...

Your whole family, all of your friends, and 15 million ESPN viewers see you on Saturday's telecast ringing the team's bell...

But due to the tragically unfortunate placement of the bell, the camera and your body, your whole family, all of your friends, and 15 million ESPN viewers, see this instead.............

[VampUK]

todd you owe me a fresh cup of tea, I just had to spit a mouthful of this one due to that vid.

[mazooma]

April 30 - OMG Todd that's terrible - LOL though.
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Sam finally got his drivers licence and offered to take his parents for a ride. His dad ran out and jumped in the back seat. Sam smiled, "Gee, Dad, you must be looking forward to taking a break from driving!"

"No," his father replied. "I'm looking forward to sitting here kicking the back of the seat, like you've done for the last 16 years!"

[£6 In Tokens]

A guy boards a train bound for Pittsburgh and sits down in his seat. He immediately notices that the guy next to him has a deeply bruised, black eye. "Heck, what a coincidence! We both have black eyes! Mind if I ask how you got yours?"

"Well," explains the man, "I was at the ticket counter and this gorgeous blonde with beautiful breasts was behind the counter. When I asked to purchase a ticket to Pittsburgh, I accidentally blurted out 'I'd like a picket to Tittsburgh' and so she sucker-punched me!" The man continues, "What's your story?"

The other guy explains, "I was at the breakfast table and I meant to say to my wife, 'Please pour me a bowl of Wheaties,' but I accidentally said, 'You ruined my life you stupid bitch.'"

:devil:

[sneaky]

Two men are sitting at the bar at the top of the Empire State Building drinking, when the first man turns to the other one and says, "You know, last week I discovered that if you jump from the top of this building, by the time you fall to the 10th floor, the wind around the building is so intense that it carries you around the building and back into the window."

The bartender shakes his head in disapproval while wiping the bar, but says nothing.

The second guy says, "What? Are you insane? There's no way in heck that could happen!"

"No, no. it's true..." said the first man, "let me prove it to you."

He gets up from the bar, jumps over the balcony and plummets toward the street below. When he passes the 10th floor, the high wind whips him around the building and back into the 10th floor window. He takes the elevator back up to the bar.

He meets the second man, who is astonished. "Oh my God, I saw that with my own eyes! But that must've been a one-time fluke. That was scientifically impossible!"

"No, I'll prove it again," says the first man as he jumps.

Again, just as his body hurtles towards the street, the 10th floor wind gently carries him around the building and into the window. He takes the elevator back to the bar. Once upstairs, he successfully convinces his dubious fellow drinker to try it.

"Well, what the heck," the second guy says, "I've seen that it works, so I'll try it!"

He immediately jumps over the balcony - plunges downward - rapidly passes the 11th, 10th, 9th, 8th floors...

His body hits the sidewalk...Splat !!!!



Back upstairs, the bartender who had been silent the whole time turns to the first drinker, and shakes his head "You know, Superman, you're a real asshole when you're drunk."

[todd1970]

A guy boards a train bound for Pittsburgh and sits down in his seat. He immediately notices that the guy next to him has a deeply bruised, black eye. "Heck, what a coincidence! We both have black eyes! Mind if I ask how you got yours?"

"Well," explains the man, "I was at the ticket counter and this gorgeous blonde with beautiful breasts was behind the counter. When I asked to purchase a ticket to Pittsburgh, I accidentally blurted out 'I'd like a picket to Tittsburgh' and so she sucker-punched me!" The man continues, "What's your story?"

The other guy explains, "I was at the breakfast table and I meant to say to my wife, 'Please pour me a bowl of Wheaties,' but I accidentally said, 'You ruined my life you stupid bitch.'"

:devil:

PMSLLLL Class..like Vamp i spat oot my tea when i read that.

[hitthesix]

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The
waitress asks for their orders. The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?"

"I'll have the same", says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be £9.40 please," she says and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact amount for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "A
hamburger, fries, and a coke."

The ostrich says, "I'll have the same." Again the man reaches into his
pocket and pays with exact amount.

For a while this becomes routine until the two enter again later in the week. "The usual?" asks the waitress.

"No, this time it's a treat, so I will have a steak, baked potato, and salad," says the man.

"Yep! Same," says the ostrich.

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be £32.62."
Once again the man pulls the exact amount out of his pocket and places
it on the table.

The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir.
How do you manage to always come up with the exact money from your
pocket every time?"

"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was clearing the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two
wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would
always be there."

"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a
couple of million pounds or something, but you'll always be as rich as
you want for as long as you live!"

"That's right. Whether it's a pint of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.

The waitress asks, "But, sir, what's with the ostrich?"











The man sighs, pauses, and replies, "My second wish was for a tall bird
with a big arse and long legs who agrees with everything I say."

[mazooma]

May 1 - Your tea is safe with me.
--------------------------------

A farmer was asked why he was standing out with his cows all day.

He replied, "I'm trying to win the Nobel Prize. I hear they give it to people who are out standing in their field."

[RB]

John gets home from work one day and finds his pretty blonde wife has been crying.
"What's wrong?" he asks.
"John, promise you won't get mad, but I went to see the new doctor today and he told me I've got a pretty pussy."
"WHAT!!" he shouts.
With that he grabs a baseball bat from the closet and storms down to the doctor's office, straight through the reception. Without knocking he bursts into the doctor's office. The doctor is in the process of
giving another lady an examination. She screams and tries to cover herself. Without waiting, John charges up to the doctor, smashes the baseball bat down on the desk and says, "You flaming pervert, how dare you say my wife has a pretty pussy!!"
The doctor replies, "I'm sorry Mr. Smith but there has been a misunderstanding. I told your wife she has Acute Angina."

[RB]

Joe pulled over the car by the side of the road and showed Kevin where he'd first had sex.
"It was right down there by that tree. I remember the day plainly. It was a warm summer day. She and I were so much in love. We walked down to the tree and made love for hours,"
Joe recalled.

"That sounds wonderful," said Kevin.

"Yes. It was ok until I looked up and noticed her mother was standing right there watching us."

"Oh my God!!! What did her mother say when she saw you making love to her daughter?".....
"Baaaaaaa." said Joe.

[mazooma]

May 2
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What do you call a beautiful sunny day that comes after two rainy ones?

Monday.

[mazooma]

May 3
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Customer : Waiter, this coffee tastes like dirt!

Waiter: I know, sir, but that's because it was only ground this morning.

[RB]

The testicles of a Texas midget hurt and ached almost all the time.
The midget went to the doctor and told him about his problem.
The doctor told him to drop his pants and he would have a look.
The midget dropped his pants. The doctor stood him up onto the examining table, and started to examine him.
The doctor put one finger under his left testicle and told the midget to turn his head and cough, the usual method to check for a hernia
'Aha!' mumbled the doctor, and as he put his finger under the right testicle, he asked the midget to cough again. 'Aha!' said the doctor once more, and reached for his surgical scissors.
Snip-snip-snip-snip on the right side... then snip-snip-snip-snip on the left side.
The midget was so scared he was afraid to look, but noted with amazement that the snipping did not hurt.
The doctor then told the midget to walk around the examining room to see if his testicles still hurt. The midget was absolutely delighted as he walked around and discovered his boys were no longer aching.
The doctor said, 'How does that feel now?'
The midget replied, 'Perfect Doc, and I didn't even feel it. What did you do?'
The doctor replied 'I cut two inches off the top of your cowboy boots.'

[mazooma]

It's Star Wars day !! May the 4th be with you.
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How do you make a blonde's eyes sparkle?

Shine a flashlight in her ear.

[korax1214]

No racist jokes, eh? Not even the one about the famous Lost Tribe of Africa, the Wherethe-Halawi? "007, you've been our top spy for 40 years and your hair is beginning to turn grey." "What are you telling me, M -- do you expect me to start wearing a wig?" "No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to dye."

[RB]

The Perfect Woman

The Perfect Woman

Quotes From The Perfect Woman:

1.) "I'll swallow it all...I just love the taste!"
2.) "Are you sure you've had enough beer?"
3.) "I'm bored. Let's shave my pussy!"
4.) "Oh come on, what do ya say we get a good porno movie, a case of beer, a few joints, and have my friend Tawnee over for a threesome!"
5.) "If I don't get to blow you soon, I swear I'm gonna bust!"
6.) "I know it's a lot tighter back there but would you please try again?"
7.) "You're so sexy when you're hung over."
8.) "I'd rather watch football and drink beer with you than go shopping."
9.) "Let's subscribe to Hustler."
10.) "Would you like to watch me go down on my girlfriend?"
11.) "Say, let's go down to the mall so you can check out women's asses."
12.) "I'll be out painting the house."
13.) "I love it when you play golf on Sunday's, I just wish you had time to play on Saturday, too."
14.) "Honey, our new neighbor's daughter is sunbathing again, come see!"
15.) "I've decided to stop wearing clothes around the house."
16.) "No, no, I'll take the car to have the oil changed."
17.) "Your mother did a great job raising you."
18.) "Do me a favor, forget the stupid Valentine's Day thing and buy yourself new clubs."
19.) "I understand fully. Our anniversary comes every year for God's sake. You go hunting with the guys, it's a wonderful stress reliever."
20.) "Shouldn't you be down at the bar with your buddies?"
21.) "Not the f*****g mall again, come on let's go to that new strip joint!" 22.) "Listen, I make enough money for the both of us, why don't you retire and get that nagging handicap down to 7 or 8."
23.) "You need your sleep ya big silly, now stop getting up for the night feedings."
24.) "That was a great fart! Do another one!"
25.) "I signed up for yoga so that I can get my ankles behind my head for ya!"

[mazooma]

May 5
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A man is sitting alone at a bar when he hears a voice saying, "You look great! Love the suit. Great haircut!"

When the barman comes over the man asks who was talking. The barman replies, "Oh, that's the nuts. They're complimentary."

[mazooma]

May 6
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Little Johnny goes up to his teacher and says, "Sir, would you punish me for something I didn't do?"

"No, of course not," the teacher replies.

"Well that's good," says Johnny, "because I haven't done my homework."