2120 replies to this topic

[mazooma]

May 29 - Not strolling down Bourneville Boulevard
-----------------------------------------------

A blonde on a flight to Athens called the flight attendant over and asked,
"Excuse me, but what's that white stuff on the hills below?"

Surprised, the attendant said,
"That's snow."

"Hah!" said the blonde. She turned to the man next to her.

"See! I told you it wasn't Greece."

[RB]

A blonde with two red ears went to her doctor.
The doctor asked her what had had happened to her ears?
"I was ironing a shirt and the phone rang
but instead of picking up the phone I accidentally picked up the iron
and stuck it to my ear."
"Oh Dear!" the doctor exclaimed in disbelief.
"But .. what happened to your other ear?"
"The son-of-a-bitch called back."

[mazooma]

May 30
------

Did you hear about the man who had a ploughman's lunch?

He was fine, but the ploughman wasn't very happy.

[phil12]

the usa goverment annoced today that when micheal jackson dies
he will be melted down into toys so that the kids can play with him instead:bigeyes20:

[ady]

Nuff said

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[jamesy4]

lol nice picture there ADY

[dtrmad2004]

Proof of what can happen if a wife or girlfriend drags her husband or
boyfriend along shopping This letter was recently sent by Tesco's Head
Office to a customer in Oxford:
Dear Mrs. Murray,
While we thank you for your valued custom and use of the Tesco Loyalty
Card, the Manager of our store in Banbury is considering banning you and
your family from shopping with us, unless your husband stops his antics.
Below is a list of offences over the past few months all verified by our
surveillance cameras:
1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's trolleys when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to feminine products aisle.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, 'Code 3' in housewares..... and watched what happened.

5. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

6. September 15: Set up a tent in the outdoor clothing department and told shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring sausages and a Calor gas stove.

7. September 23: When the Deputy Manager asked if she could help him, he began to cry and asked, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'

8. October 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a mirror, picked his nose, and ate it.

9. November 10: While appearing to be choosing kitchen knives in the Housewares aisle asked an assistant if he knew where the antidepressants were.

10. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously, loudly humming the Mission Impossible' theme.

11. December 6: In the kitchenware aisle, practised the 'Madonna look' using different size funnels.

12. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed, yelled 'PICK ME!' 'PICK ME!'

13. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, assumed the foetal position and screamed 'NO! NO! It's those voices again.'

And; last, but not least:

14. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited a while; then yelled, very loudly, 'There is no toilet paper in here.

[dingleclaret]

how you stop your kids from pissing the bed? electric blanket

[RB]

What do you do when a blonde throws a pin at you?





Run like hell...she's got a hand grenade in her mouth.

[mazooma]

May 31
-------

A minister warned his congregation about the suddenness of death.

"Before this day is out, someone in this parish will die!"

At this, a little old man in the front row started laughing.

Furious thye minister said, "What's so funny?"

"I'm not from this parish!"

[PJ]

Nuff said

lol nice picture there ADY

OI! That's my mum!!!

[mazooma]

June 1
------

Have you heard about the butcher who backed into the bacon-slicing machine?

He got a little behind with his orders.

[RB]

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at
the front door, who do you let in first?






The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in!

[RB]

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the
street with a bald head and a beer gut,
and still think they are beautiful

[baz]

At the end of the tax year the Tax Office sent their
inspector to audit the books of a Synagogue. While he was
checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said:

'I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with
the candle drippings?'

'Good question,' said the Rabbi. 'We save them up and send
them back to the candle makers, and every now and then they
send us a free box of candles.'

'Oh,' replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his
unusual question had a practical answer but on he went, in
his obnoxious way:

'What about all these bread wafer purchases?'
'What do you do with the crumbs?'

'Ah, yes,' replied the Rabbi, realising that the inspector
was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question.

'We collect them and send them back to the manufacturer and
every now and then they send us a free box of bread wafers.'

'I see,' replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could
fluster the 'know-it-all' Rabbi.

'Well, Rabbi,' he went on, 'what do you do with all the leftover
foreskins from the circumcisions you have performed?

''Here, too, we do not waste,' answered the Rabbi. 'What we
do is save all the foreskins and send them to the Tax Office
and about once a year they send us a complete prick.'

[mazooma]

June 2
------

If lawyers can be disbarred and clergyman defrocked, it seems only fair that electricains can be delighted, musicains denoted, cowboys deranged, gardeners deflowered, dry cleaners depressed, and accountants left unaccounted for.

[RB]

A woman goes into a pet shop looking for a parrot.
The assistant shows her a beautiful African Grey parrot.
"What about this one, Madam? A beautiful bird, I'm sure you'll agree,
and it's an absolute steal at only £20."

"Why is it that cheap?" the woman asks.
"Well", replies the assistant, it used to live in a brothel,
and as a result, its language is a touch zesty."

"Oh, I don't mind that," said the woman, making her mind up.
"I'm broad-minded, and it'll be a laugh having a profane parrot."

So saying, she buys the parrot and takes him home.
Once safely in his new home,
the parrot looks around and squawks at the woman,
"f*** me, a new brothel and a new madam."

"I'm not a madam, and this isn't a brothel,
"says the woman, indignantly.

A little later, the woman's two teenage daughters arrive home.
"A new brothel, a new madam, and now new prostitutes,
"says the parrot when he sees the daughters.

"Mom, tell your parrot to shut up!
We're not prostitutes,
"complain the girls,
but they all see the funny side and have a laugh at their new pet.

A short while later, the woman's husband comes home.
"Well f*** me, a new brothel, a new madam,
new whores, but the same old clients.
How ya doin', Dave?"



RB

[mazooma]

June 3
------

How many gorillas does it take to change a lightbulb?

Only one.


But it sure takes a lot of lightbulbs.

[mazooma]

June 4
------

A man walks up to his colleague.

"I'm never working for that man again!" he shouts.

"Why, what did he say?" the colleague asks.

"You're fired."

[RB]

Last night police were called to a branch of Pizza Hut after a body of a member of staff was found covered in mushrooms, onions ham and cheese.


The police spokesman said that there was a strong possiblity that the man had topped himself.