September 29
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What do married men do twice as often as single men?
Change their underwear.
2120 replies to this topic
#861
mazooma
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Posted 29 September 2008 - 06:19 PM
Where you came from, is gone.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
#862
mazooma
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Posted 30 September 2008 - 06:02 PM
September 30 - three quarters of the way there!!
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A life insurance agent says to a prospective client:
"Don't let me frighten you into a decision. Sleep on it tonight. If you wake up in the morning, then give me a call to let me know."
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A life insurance agent says to a prospective client:
"Don't let me frighten you into a decision. Sleep on it tonight. If you wake up in the morning, then give me a call to let me know."
Where you came from, is gone.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
#863
Deano
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Posted 01 October 2008 - 05:59 PM
A vicar books into a hotel and says to the hotel clerk"I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled".
She replies"No sir,its just regular porn,you sick bas***d".
She replies"No sir,its just regular porn,you sick bas***d".
[SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]
#864
mazooma
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I'm not dead yet
Posted 01 October 2008 - 06:10 PM
October 1
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A sign at a concierge's desk in Athens:
If you consider our help impolite, you should see the manager.
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A sign at a concierge's desk in Athens:
If you consider our help impolite, you should see the manager.
Where you came from, is gone.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
#865
mazooma
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Posted 02 October 2008 - 06:41 PM
October 2
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Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer, but wish we didn't.
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Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer, but wish we didn't.
Where you came from, is gone.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
#866
Deano
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Posted 02 October 2008 - 07:34 PM
No offence intended to our Chinese members,(just thought it was funny),
A man hires a Chinese Private investigator,Chen Lee,to watch his wife.
A few days later he gets this report:
Most Hon Sir.
I watch house.
You leave house.
He came to house.
He and she leave house.
I follow.
He and she go to Hotel.
I climb tree and look in window.
He kiss she.
She kiss he.
He strip.
She strip.
He play with she.
She play with he.
I play with me.
I fall out tree.
I not see.
No fee.
Chen lee.
Weely Sollee.
A man hires a Chinese Private investigator,Chen Lee,to watch his wife.
A few days later he gets this report:
Most Hon Sir.
I watch house.
You leave house.
He came to house.
He and she leave house.
I follow.
He and she go to Hotel.
I climb tree and look in window.
He kiss she.
She kiss he.
He strip.
She strip.
He play with she.
She play with he.
I play with me.
I fall out tree.
I not see.
No fee.
Chen lee.
Weely Sollee.
[SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]
#867
mazooma
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Posted 03 October 2008 - 07:20 PM
October 3
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How many apples can you put in an empy box?
One.
After that it's not empty any more.
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How many apples can you put in an empy box?
One.
After that it's not empty any more.
Where you came from, is gone.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
#868
mazooma
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I'm not dead yet
Posted 04 October 2008 - 08:49 PM
October 4
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Explanations from insurance claims:
"I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way."
"I told the police I wasn't injured, but on removing my hat, I found that I had a fractured skull."
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Explanations from insurance claims:
"I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way."
"I told the police I wasn't injured, but on removing my hat, I found that I had a fractured skull."
Where you came from, is gone.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
#869
Deano
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Posted 04 October 2008 - 09:22 PM
Two chav mums on a bus.One says "Is ya baby teevin yet?".
The other replies"Yes,so far he got me two dvds,a mobile phone and a laptop".
The other replies"Yes,so far he got me two dvds,a mobile phone and a laptop".
[SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]
#870
RB
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PISH Artist
Posted 04 October 2008 - 10:38 PM
One Sunday morning, everyone in one bright, beautiful, tiny town got up early and went to the local church.
Before the services started, the townspeople were sitting in their pews and talking about their lives, their families, etc. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.
Soon everyone was evacuated from the church, except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew, not moving... seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence. Now this confused Satan a bit, so he walked up to the man and said, "Don't you know who I am?"
The man replied, "Yep, sure do."
Satan asked, "Aren't you afraid of me?"
"Nope, sure ain't," said the man.
Satan was a little perturbed at this and queried, "Why aren't you afraid of me?"
The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for over 48 years."
Before the services started, the townspeople were sitting in their pews and talking about their lives, their families, etc. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.
Soon everyone was evacuated from the church, except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew, not moving... seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence. Now this confused Satan a bit, so he walked up to the man and said, "Don't you know who I am?"
The man replied, "Yep, sure do."
Satan asked, "Aren't you afraid of me?"
"Nope, sure ain't," said the man.
Satan was a little perturbed at this and queried, "Why aren't you afraid of me?"
The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for over 48 years."
Cyberpunk:- alienated loner who lives on the edge of society in generally dystopic future where daily life is impacted by rapid technological change, an ubiquitous datasphere of computerized information, and invasive modification of the human body.....Hmmmmm
[SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]
[SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]
#871
mazooma
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I'm not dead yet
Posted 05 October 2008 - 06:32 PM
October 5
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Funny newspaper headlines:
New vaccine may contain rabies
Man struck by lightning faces battery charge
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Funny newspaper headlines:
New vaccine may contain rabies
Man struck by lightning faces battery charge
Where you came from, is gone.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
#872
mazooma
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I'm not dead yet
Posted 06 October 2008 - 06:17 PM
October 6
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What's the definition of perfect pitch fo a piccolo?
When you throw it in the bin and it doesn't hit the rim.
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What's the definition of perfect pitch fo a piccolo?
When you throw it in the bin and it doesn't hit the rim.
Where you came from, is gone.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
#873
timsim2006
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Junior Member
Posted 06 October 2008 - 11:28 PM
me toI think you're gonna have to explain that one to me... :-?
#874
mazooma
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Posted 07 October 2008 - 06:50 PM
October 7
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Why did the turkey cross the road?
To prove he wasn't a chicken.
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Why did the turkey cross the road?
To prove he wasn't a chicken.
Where you came from, is gone.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
#875
mazooma
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I'm not dead yet
Posted 08 October 2008 - 06:18 PM
October 8
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A termite walks into a bar and says, "Is the bartender here?"
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A termite walks into a bar and says, "Is the bartender here?"
Where you came from, is gone.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
#876
RB
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PISH Artist
Posted 08 October 2008 - 07:11 PM
A woman gets a tattoo of a sea shell on the inside of her upper thigh.
She shows it to a friend.
He says, that it's nice, but why did she put it there?
She says because if he puts his ear to it he can smell the ocean!
She shows it to a friend.
He says, that it's nice, but why did she put it there?
She says because if he puts his ear to it he can smell the ocean!
Cyberpunk:- alienated loner who lives on the edge of society in generally dystopic future where daily life is impacted by rapid technological change, an ubiquitous datasphere of computerized information, and invasive modification of the human body.....Hmmmmm
[SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]
[SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]
#877
mazooma
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I'm not dead yet
Posted 09 October 2008 - 07:01 PM
October 9
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The midwife at an antenatal class explains that walking is a good exercise after childbirth. "And men," she says, "you should take time to walk with your wives."
There's s asilence, then one man puts up his hand. "Yes?" says the midwife.
"Is it OK idf she carries a golf bag while we walk?"
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The midwife at an antenatal class explains that walking is a good exercise after childbirth. "And men," she says, "you should take time to walk with your wives."
There's s asilence, then one man puts up his hand. "Yes?" says the midwife.
"Is it OK idf she carries a golf bag while we walk?"
Where you came from, is gone.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
#878
Deano
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Posted 09 October 2008 - 08:19 PM
A man goes to a fancy dress party wearing only a glass jar on his penis.
Lady asks"What are you".
He replies"A fireman.Break glass,pull knob and I will come as fast as I can".
Lady asks"What are you".
He replies"A fireman.Break glass,pull knob and I will come as fast as I can".
[SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]
#879
curlywill
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Member
Posted 09 October 2008 - 08:21 PM
Post Deleted!
Edited by Zoltar, 09 October 2008 - 08:30 PM.
Racism.
#880
Zoltar
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Former Fat Bastard.....
Posted 09 October 2008 - 09:04 PM
2 old dears driving really slow down the M6 holding up the traffic. The cops wave to the driver and ask her to pull over.
The policeman gets out of the car and asks the driver, 'Excuse me. But why are you driving so slow? This is a motorway.'
The old dear replies, 'well, this is the M6. So I'm doing 6 miles per hour.'
The policeman replies, 'No miss. This is a motorway. You can go upto 70 miles per hour on these roads.'
The policeman then looks over at the other old dear in the passenger seat and notices she's all tensed up, grinding her teeth, and grasping the sides of her seat and her eyes are squinting.
The policeman asks, 'Whats wrong miss? Why are you like that?' The old dear passenger replies, 'We've just come off the M180.
The policeman gets out of the car and asks the driver, 'Excuse me. But why are you driving so slow? This is a motorway.'
The old dear replies, 'well, this is the M6. So I'm doing 6 miles per hour.'
The policeman replies, 'No miss. This is a motorway. You can go upto 70 miles per hour on these roads.'
The policeman then looks over at the other old dear in the passenger seat and notices she's all tensed up, grinding her teeth, and grasping the sides of her seat and her eyes are squinting.
The policeman asks, 'Whats wrong miss? Why are you like that?' The old dear passenger replies, 'We've just come off the M180.
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