2120 replies to this topic

[bri365]

Went shopping with the wife and she said I was childish.........I was so shocked I damn near fell out the trolley.

[raverpat]

I found out I was colour blind yesterday.

It came completely out of the green.

[bri365]

I took a dyslexic girl back to my flat last night. She ended up cooking my sock.

 

Daily Mail: “Masturbation may help prevent the common cold.” Hope so... I’ve got no tissues left.

[bri365]

Two well dressed gentlemen just knocked my door and then spent 20 minutes talking about the virtues of wholemeal bread............Fecking Hovis witnesses.

[bri365]

Brenda makes an appointment to see her doctor, because she is worried about her husband's bad temper. Doctor Thomas asks: "What's the problem?" Brenda says: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every day my husband Jimmy seems to lose his temper for no reason. It's beginning to scare me." The Doctor says: "I have a cure for that. When it seems that Jimmy is getting angry, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow it until he either leaves the room or calms down." Two weeks later Brenda returns to the doctor looking fresh and happy. Brenda says: "Doctor that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband started losing it, I swished with water. I swished and swished, and he calmed right down! How does a glass of water do that?" Dr Thomas says: "The water itself does nothing. It's keeping your mouth shut that does the trick."

[Bandits]

Just ordered some Chinese food. The Chinese man delivering said it was £20. I asked “Do you know what Katie Price’s Son is called?” He said “Harfey Price”...I said cheers mate there’s a Tenner now f@ck off! . . .

[bri365]

Went to the pub and ordered a double scotch, barman put it down and i quickly downed it in one, "another" I said. He poured me another and again I downed it in one and ordered another. Six double scotches later, he said " your knocking them back a bit quick mate". "So would you if you had what I had" I replied. "What have you got?" he asked................"About 50p" I said.

[bri365]

My friend donates a kidney to the hospital, and he's treated like some hero. I donate five kidneys and I get arrested...

[bri365]

My girlfriend asked me if I could have a threesome, which of her friends I would choose. Apparently I was only supposed to name one, not two.

[stardust]

Made me smile...

 

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[bri365]

"Doctor, I keep thinking I'm a supermarket" "How long have you felt like this?" "Ever since I was Lidl".

[bri365]

My wife’s leaving me because she thinks I’m obsessed with astronomy. What planet is she on?

[stardust]

Does what it says on the label...  

 

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[cashbox1]

I`ve come a long way since i cured my addiction to singing Phil Collins songs.....take a look at me now ....

[bri365]

Two men sat at a bar at the top of a skyscraper. The one turned to the other and said
“Do you know there’s a special wind current that means if you jump from the top when you hit the third floor you get sucked in through the window and can’t hit the ground?”
The other man says
“No way prove it”
The first man jumps and and falls, falls, falls gets level to the third floor and whooshes in through the window. Goes back upstairs and says
“See I told you”
The second man can’t believe it and makes him repeat it again, he jumps and falls, falls, falls and then whoosh back in at the third floor.
The other man says
“Right my turn”
He jumps and falls, falls, falls, third floor approaches, still falling until... splat.
The first man who was watching returns to his seat at the bar with a wicked grin on his face and the bar tender says
“Superman, you can be a right bastard when you’re pissed!”

[bri365]

I didn't want to believe my dad was stealing from his job as a road worker... But when I got home all the signs were there.

[bri365]

I was born to be a pessimist. Even my blood type is B Negative.

[bri365]

I went to a porn stars reunion today. It was nice to come across old faces again.

[cashbox1]

if a woman in prague has an abortion,is it a cancelled check ?

[bri365]

I pissed off two people today by calling them hipsters. Apparently the correct term is conjoined twins.