2120 replies to this topic

[ricardo de ponsa]

I've started a yacht building company in my attic.

 

Sails are going through the roof.

[ricardo de ponsa]

A friend of mine the other day asked me, " Did I want to be a member of the Large Ventilation Shaft Appreciation Society ?"

 

I said, "No Thanks"

 

He Said, "Why?"

 

I said, "Because I'm not a big fan!!!!" 

Edited by ricardo de ponsa, 13 February 2020 - 12:53 PM.

[cashbox1]

Phillip Schofield said to be devastated after finding out Boyz II Men is a band and NOT a delivery service 

Edited by cashbox1, 19 February 2020 - 03:31 AM.

[ricardo de ponsa]

My ex wife would often batter me over the head with bottles of bleach if I made a mistake and burnt the tea....but one day, thankfully, I built up the courage to flee, and I’m now glad to say that I am no longer a victim of Domestos abuse.

[stardust]

Ooh, I say...

 

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[cashbox1]

 One day ima gonna Cannock  to Ramada Hotel. Ina morning I go down to eat breakfast. I tella waitress I wanna two pissis toast. She brings me only one piss. I tella her I want two piss. She say go to the toilet. I say, you no understand, I wanna piss onna my plate. She say you better no piss on your  plate, you sonnava bitch. I don't even know the lady and she call me sonnava bitch !!

Later I go to eat at a wetherspoonas, The waitress brings me a spoon and a knife, but no fock. I tella her I wanna fock. She tell me everyone wanna fock. I tell her you no understand, I wanna fock on the table. She say you better not fock on the table, you sonnava bitch.

So, I go back to my room inna hotel and there is no shits onna my bed. I call the manager and tella him I wanna shit. He tell me to go to toilet. I say you no understand. I wanna shit on my bed. He say you better not shit onna bed, you sonnava bitch.

I go to the checkout and the man at the desk say: "Peace on you". I say piss on you too, you sonnava bitch, I go f*** off back to Italy!!!

[bri365]

A couple are driving home when they run over a badger. They get out & discover the badger is still breathing but freezing cold. The husband says, "Put it between your legs to warm it up." The wife replies, "But it's all wet & it stinks." He says, "Well hold the badgers nose then!"

[hitthesix]

Doctor, please help, already for a couple of months I’ve been hearing this horrible whistling after I’ve had intercourse with my wife.

 

And what did you expect? A standing ovation?

 

 

 

A wife complains to her husband: “Just look at that couple down the road, how lovely they are. He keeps holding her hand, kissing her, holding the door for her, why can’t you do the same?”

   The husband: “Are you mad? I barely know that woman!”

[dachshund]

I have some racing geese for sale. Let me know if you want a quick gander!

Perfection

[dachshund]

My mate is a magician and he told me that he made a new breed of dog. I asked him how.
I took a normal breed and bred it with some magic and the 63 day later the pups were born and hey presto a new breed

I asked what he called his new breed

It's a labra cadabra dor

Wait for the penny to drop

[cashbox1]

BREAKING NEWS ...

John Travolta was hospitalized for suspected COVID-19, but doctors now confirm that it was only Saturday Night Fever, and they assure everyone that he is Staying Alive.

Apparently he was diagnosed because he had chills that were multiplying

[cashbox1]

A woman goes to the hospital. "What seems to be the problem?" asked the Doctor. "Something is terribly wrong, I keep finding postage stamps from Costa Rica in my vagina." The Doctor had a look, chuckled and said: "Those aren't postage stamps my dear, they're the stickers off the bananas".

[ricardo de ponsa]

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[dachshund]

The British film institute are looking to recruit drawf stuntmen/women to fulfill there current shortfall

[ricardo de ponsa]

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[bri365]

If you receive an email or WhatsApp with the subject 'Ding dong' dont open it... It's Jehovahs Witnesses working from home!

[bri365]

Covid-19 is the worst virus discovered since Gary Glitter took all his computer to PC World..

[bri365]

The Coronavirus is the biggest threat to pensioners since Harold Shipman...

[ricardo de ponsa]

Sadly, my bereavement councilor died the other day.

 

He did such a good job, I didn't give a toss !!!!!