2120 replies to this topic

[dachshund]

im really proud of my dad as he has just won dentist of the year.          you wanna see his plaque

[bri365]

Lady at work came up to me and said " Brian, there is a rumour going around that you have a massive willy!!!".

"I know" I replied, "it was me that started the rumour"

I took a nurse back to my place last night for sex. As I stripped off I said to her, "You must have seen a few dicks where you work. How do you rate mine?"

She said, "It's slightly bigger than most I see."

"Thanks," I said. "What sort of nursing do you do?"

"I'm a midwife!"

[bri365]

I was at the till in Asda today and all I had on the belt was 20 packets of Dreamies cat treats. Old lady behind me asked if I had a lot of cats? None I replied, it was for my dreamie diet although shouldn't really do it again as last time I was on the dreamie diet I lost 2 stone but ended up in intensive care for two weeks! She asked if it was food poisoning from the dreamies!.....No I replied, I was sat on the mantelpiece and fell off trying to lick my own arse and hit my head.......Never seen a woman faint before.

[bri365]

[bri365]

Bloke walks into a brothel and explains to the madam that he is into some real kinky stuff and asks "What's on offer"

"Well" said the madam, "we could offer you total humiliation for £100" she added.

"Sweet" replied the man, "What do I get for £100"? he asked

" An Arsenal shirt and season ticket" replied the madam.

[Max Cartwright]

Who can read this?

 

 

 

 

 

What's pink and fluffy?

Pink fluff.

[ricardo de ponsa]

OK Max...

 

What's brown and sticky ?

 

 

A stick.

[Max Cartwright]

How do you know the clock thought post 2086 was funny?

 

It went back 4 seconds.

[bri365]

I was at my mates stag night last year, when he and his brother handed me a glass full of yellow, lukewarm liquid. "Drink it," they said giggling. It was only when I smelt it that I realised the prank the bastards were trying to pull... Carlsberg!

[bri365]

Today is International Orgasm Day...............Anybody coming.

[bri365]

My wife just found out i changed the bed for a trampoline...... She hit the roof

[stardust]

Ooh I say...  

 

 Capture.JPG   57.59KB   0 downloads

[bri365]

I saw my mate walking down the street hand in hand with an ugly girl this afternoon.

I asked him, "Is she your girlfriend?"

Smiling, he said, "What gave it away?"

I replied, "A zoo by the looks of it!"

[bri365]

My wife is like a newspaper............................Everyday a new frigging issue.

[bri365]

There was a lion in my wardrobe this morning!  When I asked what he was doing in there, he replied " It's narnia business"

Edited by bri365, 23 August 2020 - 12:25 AM.

[bri365]

[unclechicken]

Whats red and invisible?

 

No tomatoes.

 

-----------------------------

 

Whats red, invisible and goes up and down?

 

No tomatoes in a lift.

[bri365]

A man enters a confessional and says to the Irish Priest,
"Father, it has been one month since my last confession. I've had sex with Fannie Green every week for the last month."
The priest tells the sinner, "You are forgiven. Go out and say three 'Hail Mary's'."
Soon, another man enters the confessional. "Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I have had sex with Fannie Green twice a week for the last two months."
This time the priest asks, "Who is this Fannie Green?" "A new woman in the neighborhood," the sinner replies.
"Very well," says the priest. "Go and say ten 'Hail Mary's"
The next morning in church, the priest is preparing to deliver his sermon when a gorgeous, tall woman enters the church.
All the men's eyes fall upon her as she slowly sashays up the aisle and sits down in front of the Altar. Her dress is green and very short, with matching shiny emerald green shoes.
The priest and altar boy gasp as the woman sits down with her legs slightly spread apart, Sharon Stone-style.
The priest turns to the altar boy and whisperingly asks, “Is that Fannie Green?"
The altar boy replies ..."No Father, I think it's just the reflection off her shoes".

[bri365]

Got thrown out of the ISIS clothing store today, only asked where the bomber jackets were kept.

[cashbox1]

gentlemen ...save money on expensive electrical items - make your own lava lamp by tossing off  into a bottle of lucozade

Edited by cashbox1, 17 October 2020 - 04:14 PM.