2120 replies to this topic

[RB]

One night these two men wanted to go out for drinks, but they didn't have any money. so the first man said, "No problem. I have an idea"
So the two proceeded to the closest bar and ordered their drinks. the second man asks, "Now what's your plan?"
The first man said, "I'm gonna put this hot dog down my pants and then you unzip me and suck the hot dog. then the two would for sure be thrown out of the bar."
The second man was unsure but agreed. as soon as the bill came he dropped to his knees and began to suck. His plan worked. the two were quickly thrown out of the bar. they proceeded to do this in bars all over town without ever having to pay.
Finally the second man said, "Man, I'm drunk enough. That was a good plan."
The first man said yea but I lost the hot dog three doors back.."

[RB]

Bathroom excuse manners

During a good manners and etiquette class, the teacher says to her students: "If you were courting a well educated young girl from a prominent family and during a dinner for two you needed to go to the toilet, what would you say to her?"
Mike replies: Wait a minute. I'm going for a piss.
The teacher says: "That would be very rude and improper on your part."
Johnny replied: "I'm sorry I need to go to the toilet. I'll be back in a minute."
The teacher says: "That's much better but to mention the word 'toilet' during a meal, is unpleasant."
And Charlie says: "My dear, please excuse me for a moment. I have to go shake hands with a personal friend, whom, I hope, to be able to introduce to you after dinner."

The teacher passed out.

[kensplace2]

lol, that last one could be adapted to be a pick up line, will have to remember that one!

[RB]

Prison vs Work

Just in case you ever get these two environments mixed up, this should make
things a little bit clearer.

IN PRISON..........you spend the majority of your time in an 10X10 cell.
AT WORK............you spend the majority of your time in an 8X8 cubicle.

IN PRISON.........you get three meals a day.
AT WORK...........you get a break for one meal and you have to pay for it.

IN PRISON..........you get time off for good behavior.
AT WORK............you get more work for good behavior.

IN PRISON..........the guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK............you must often carry a security card and open all the doors for yourself.

IN PRISON..........you can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK...........you could get fired for watching TV and playing games.

IN PRISON.........you get your own toilet.
AT WORK..........you have to share the toilet with some people who pee on the seat.

IN PRISON..........they allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK............you aren't even supposed to speak to your family.

IN PRISON.........all expenses are paid by the taxpayers with no work required.
AT WORK............you get to pay all your expenses to go to work, and they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.

IN PRISON..........you spend most of your life inside bars wanting to get out.
AT WORK ...........you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.

IN PRISON .........you must deal with sadistic wardens.
AT WORK...........they are called managers.

[jayroller]

that last post is so true RB after reading it i would prefer to be in prison

[RB]

A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day.
The Russian said, "We were the first in space!"
The American said, "We were the first on the moon!"
The Blonde said, "So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!"
The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. "You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the Russian.
To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!"

[PJ]

Why was the baker's hands brown?

Because he kneaded a poo...


(special thanks to my mate's 9-year-old daughter for that one...)

[jay2]

It was the happiest day of my life....
Walking down the isle....
Everyone smiling....
The vicar saying a few words..
Giving her a kiss..
And shutting the f+@king coffin

[RB]

A man staggers into an emergency room with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.
Naturally, the doctor asks him what happened.
"Well, it was like this," said the man. "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a pasture of cows. We went to look for them, and while I was rooting around, noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it-- stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt."
"That's when I made my big mistake."
"What did you do?" asks the doctor.
"Well, I lifted the cow's tail again and yelled to my wife, "Hey, this looks like yours!"

[RB]

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her.
She immediately moved to another seat.
This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused.
When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.
The case came up in court. The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself. The man replied, "Well your Honor, it was like this: When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition.
She sat under a sweets sign that said, "The Double Mint Twins are coming!" and I grinned.
Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, "Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling", and I had to smile.
Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, "William's Big Stick Did the Trick", and I could hardly contain myself.
BUT, your Honor, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said,
"Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident"... I just lost it."

[PJ]

What do you get if you cross a budgie with a Klingon?


Canary Worf...


(my mate's little girl is a flippin' genius )

[RB]

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter. "What are you doing?" She asked.
"Hunting Flies" He responded. "Oh. Killing any?" She asked.
"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.
Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?"
He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."

[high roller]

Love Your Job!

This is even funnier when you realize it's real! The
next time you have a bad day at work think of this
guy.

Rob is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers
in Louisiana. He performs underwater repairs on
offshore drilling rigs.
Below is an e-mail he sent to his sister. She then
sent it to a radio station 103.2 on the FM dial in
Ft.Wayne, Indiana, which was sponsoring a worst job
experience contest.
Needless to say, she won.

Hi Sue:

Just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother.
Last week I had a bad day at the office. I know
you've been feeling down lately at work, so I thought
I would share my dilemma with you to make you realize
it's not so bad after all.
Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first
must bore you with a few technicalities of my job. As
you know, my office lies at the bottom of the sea.
I wear a suit to the office. It's a wet suit and this
time of year the water is quite cool! So to keep warm
we have a diesel powered industrial water heater. This
$20,000 piece of equipment sucks the water out of the
sea and heats it to a delightful temperature. It then
pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose,
which is taped to the air hose.
Now this sounds like a darn good plan, and I've used
it several times with no complaints.
What I do when I get to the bottom and start working
is
take the hose and stuff it down the back of my wet
suit. This floods my whole suit with warm water.
It's like working in a Jacuzzi.
Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my
butt started to itch. Of course, I scratched it.
This only made things worse. Within a few seconds my
butt started to burn. I pulled the hose out from my
back, but the damage was done. In agony I realized
what had happened. The hot water machine had sucked
up
a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit. Now, since I
don't have any hair on my back, the jellyfish couldn't
stick to it. However, the crack of my butt was not as
fortunate. When I scratched what I thought was an
itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish into the
crack of my butt.
I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the
communicator. His instructions were unclear due to
the fact that he, along with five other divers, were
all laughing hysterically. Needless to say, I aborted
the
dive. I was instructed to make three agonizing
in-water decompression stops totaling thirty-five
minutes before I could reach the surface to begin my
chamber dry
When I arrived at the surface I was wearing nothing
but my brass helmet.
As I climbed out of the water, the medic, with tears
of laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of
cream and told me to rub it on my butt as soon as I
got in the chamber.
The cream put the fireout, but I couldn't poop for two
days because my butt was swollen shut.

So next time you're having a bad day at work, think
about how much worse it would be if you had a
jellyfish shoved up your butt.
Now repeat to yourself :
I love my job, I love my job, I love my job.

[high roller]

Subject: Directions !!!

1. Start at Edinburgh Airport.

2. Catch flight from Edinburgh to London Heathrow
Airport.

3. Catch flight from London Heathrow to Dallas Fort
Worth Airport.

4. Hire car at Dallas Fort Worth Airport.

5. Start going toward the "Airport Exit" on
"International ParkwaySouth" - follow for 0.2 miles.

6. Bear left onto the highway toward "Terminal East
Parking" - follow for 0.3 miles

7. Bear left onto "International Parkway North" toward
"North AirportExit" - follow for 2.9 miles

8. Take the "Highway 114 west" exit toward "Fort
Worth" - follow for29.2 miles

9. Then continue on "US 287 north" - follow for 91.1
miles

10. "US 287 north" becomes "Interstate-44 east" -
follow for 0.7 miles

11. Take left fork onto "US-287 north" toward "Vernon"
- follow for 104.0 miles

12. "US 287 north" becomes "Avenue F (US-287)" -
follow for 2.8 miles

13. Continue to follow "US 287 north" - follow for
104.9 miles

14. Take left ramp onto "Interstate 40 west" toward
"Dumas" - follow for7.8 miles

15. Take "Exit 70" onto "US 60 east" toward "Dumas" -
follow for 0.5 miles

16. Take the "Buchanan Street" exit toward
"Dumas/Pampa" - follow for 1.7 miles

17. Turn right onto "Old Route 66 (Interstate 40)" -
follow for 0.1miles

18. Arrive at the centre of "Amarillo, Texas"

Now that's the way to f**king Amarillo!!!!!!!!
SO CAN EVERYONE STOP SINGING IT NOW . . .!

[high roller]

What a wonderful husband!

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club.

A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker
function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to
listen.

MAN: "Hello"

WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

MAN: "Yes"

WOMAN: "I'm in town now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's
only
£1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"

MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."

WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2005
models. I saw one I really liked."

MAN: "How much?"

WOMAN: "£125,000."

MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."

WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing. The house we wanted last year
is
back on the market. They're asking £950,000."

MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer
£900,000."

WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!"

MAN: "Bye, I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him
in
astonishment.

Then he smiles and asks: "Anyone know whose phone this is?"

[PJ]

"You know, honey," said Granny to Gramps, "My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago."

"I'm not surprised," replied Gramps. "You've got one in your coffee and the other in your oatmeal!"

[RB]

Jake was dying. His wife, Becky, was maintaining a candlelight vigil by his side. She held his fragile hand, tears running down her face. Her praying roused him from his slumber; He looked up and his pale lips began to move slightly.

"Becky my darling" he whispered.

"Hush my love," she said. "Rest, don't talk."

He was insistent "Becky," he said in his tired voice, "I have something that I must confess."

"There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping
Becky, "Everything's all right, go to sleep."

"No, no. I must die in peace, Becky. I ... I slept with your sister,
your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!"

I know, sweetheart," whispered Becky, "let the poison work."

[RB]

Two gynecologists meet at lunch.
The first one says, "I had a patient this morning with a clit like a dill pickle."
The second one asks, "That big or that green?"
"That sour."

[RB]

There was a blond that sat down in first class of an airplane going to Chicago.
A stewardess came over and told her that she needed to move back to coach because this was someone else's seat.
She said "I'm blond, I'm beautiful and I'm going to Chicago first class." Well the stewardess didn't know what to do so she went and got the head stewardess and told her what happened.
So the head stewardess goes over the the blond and says that she needs to move back to her seat in coach.
The blond replies "I'm blond, I'm beautiful and I'm going to Chicago first class"
Well neither stewardess knew what to do so they went and got the captain. He tells the blond that she needs to go back to her seat in coach. She tells him "I'm blond, I'm beautiful and I'm going to Chicago first class"
The captain leans down and whispers something in her ear and she jumps up and runs back to coach.
The stewardess' ask him what he told her to finally get her to move.
He says "First class isn't going to Chicago"

[RB]

Toward the end of the service, the Minister asked, "How many of you have forgiven your enemies?"
80% held up their hands.
The Minister then repeated his question. All responded this time, except one small elderly lady .
"Mrs. Jones? Are you not willing to forgive your enemies? "
"I don't have any." She replied, smiling sweetly.
"Mrs. Jones, that is very unusual. How old are you?"
"Ninety-eight." she replied.
"Oh, Mrs. Jones, would you please come down in front & tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years and not have an enemy in the world?"
The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, faced the congregation, and said: "I outlived the bitches."