2120 replies to this topic

[RB]

A cop was patrolling at night in a well-known spot. He sees a couple in a car, with the interior light brightly glowing. The cop carefully approaches the car to get a closer look. Then he sees a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine. He immediately notices a young woman in the rear seat, knitting. Puzzled by this surprising situation, the cop walks to the car and gently raps on the driver’s window.
The young man lowers his window “Uh, yes, officer?”
“What are you doing?”
“Well, isn’t it obvious? I’m reading a magazine, sir “
Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat the cop says: “And her, what is she doing?”
The young man shrugs: “Sir, I believe she’s knitting a pullover sweater.”
Now, the cop is totally confused. A young couple. Alone, in a car, at night in a lovers’ lane. And nothing obscene is happening! “What’s your age, young man?”
“I’m 25, sir.”
“And her ... what’s her age?”
The young man looks at his watch and replies:
“She’ll be 18 in 11 minutes.”

Well it made me giggle........ 8O

[jayroller]

The Reverend John Flapps was the pastor of a small town.

One day he was walking down the High Street and he noticed a young lady of his congregation sitting in a pub drinking beer.

The reverend wasn't happy. He walked through the open door of the pub and sat down next to the woman.

"Mrs Fitzgerald," he said sternly. "This is no place for a member of my congregation. Why don't you let me take you home?"
"Sure," she said with a slur, obviously very drunk.

When Mrs Fitzgerald stood up from the bar, she began to weave back and forth. The reverend realised that she'd had far too much to drink and grabbed her arms to steady her. When he did, they both lost their balance and tumbled to the floor.

After rolling around for a few moments, the reverend wound up on top of Mrs Fitzgerald, her skirt hiked up to her waist.

The pub landlord looked over and said, "Oi Mate, we won't have any of that carrying on in this pub."

The reverend looked up at the landlord and said, "But you don't understand, I'm Pastor Flapps."

The landlord nodded and said, "Oh well, if you're that far in, you might as well finish."

[Hunter]

The Ferrari Formula 1 Team fired their entire pit crew yesterday.

The announcement followed Ferrari's decision to take advantage of the UK
Government's Youth Opportunity scheme and employ people from Glasgow. The decision to hire them was brought on by a recent documentary on how unemployed youths from the Glasgow area were able to remove a set of wheels in less than 6 seconds without proper equipment, whereas Ferrari's existing crew can only do it in 8 seconds with millions of euros worth of high tech equipment. Tony Blair went on record as saying this was a bold move by the Ferrari management, which demonstrated the international recognition of the UK under New Labour.

As most races are won and lost in the pits, Ferrari now have an advantage
over every team. However, Ferrari may have got more than they bargained for... At the crew's first practice session, the Glasgow pit crew
successfully changed the tyres in under 6 seconds, and then within 12 seconds they had re-sprayed, re-badged, and sold the vehicle to the McLaren team for 8 bottles of Stella, a kilo of speed and some photos of Coulthard's bird in the shower.

[stevedude2]

A bloke is walking down the street with a duck under his arm. He gets to his house, walks in and up to his wife who's in the kitchen.

'Look love, this is the pig I've been shagging behind your back!' says the bloke.

'That's not a pig, that's a duck!' replies his wife.

'I know!' says the man, 'I'm talking to the duck...'

[decaff]

Hear the one about the crab that got pissed and walked straight home...?





Yeah, I know - the old ones are the oldest!!

[skabaz]

whats the difference between arthur scargill and micheal jackson??

arthur scargill hasnt seen a miners helmet in 20 years.

baz

[Pgamblin]

Whats the difference between Michael Jackson and a bin bag ??

Ones black, made of plastic and is harmfull to children. the other is simply a bin bag.

[jayroller]

ok if we're starting with the jacko jokes heres some more

Q: Why are Michael Jackson's pants so small?
A: Because they aren't his!

Q: What do you do if Michael Jackson is drowning?
A: Throw him a buoy!

Q: Why did Michael Jackson place a phone call to Boyz-2-Men??
A: He thought it was a delivery service.

Q: What's the difference between Michael Jackson and Casper?
A: One is pale and scares kids and the other is a friendly ghost.

Q. Why did Michael Jackson rush over to Wal-Mart?
A. He heard that boys' pants were 1/2 off.

Q. What's the difference between a supermarket bag and Michael Jackson?
A. One is white, made of plastic, and should be kept away from small children. The other is used to hold groceries.

Q. How do you know when it's bedtime at the Neverland Ranch?
A. When the big hand touches the little hand.

Q. What's brown and often found in children's underpants?
A. Michael Jackson's hand.

Q. What is blonde, has six legs, and roams Michael Jackson's dreams every night?
A. Hanson.

Q. Why can you always win a race with Michael Jackson?
A. Because he always likes to come in a little behind.

Q. What did Michael Jackson say to Gary Glitter?
A. I'll swap you a 10 for two fives.

Q: Who does Michael Jackson consider a perfect "10"?
A: Two 5 year olds.

Q: What famous celebrity had the most children over the last 10 years?
A: Michael Jackson

Q: What's the difference between Michael Jackson and greyhound racing?
A: The greyhounds wait for the hares to come out.

Q: What do Michael and homework have in common?
A: Both are a pain in the ass to kids

[RB]

A friend asked me the other day why I never got married. I replied "Well, I guess I just never met the right woman... I guess I've been looking for the perfect girl."
"Oh, come on now," said my friend. "Surely you have met at least one girl that you wanted to marry."
"Yes, there was one girl... once. I guess she was the one perfect girl -- the only perfect girl I really ever met. She was just the right everything... I really mean that she was the perfect girl for me."
"Well, why didn't you marry her?" asked my friend. I shrugged my shoulders and replied, "She was looking for the perfect man".

[uya]

Dick Cheney walks into the Oval Office and sees The President whooping and hollering.

"What's the matter, Mr. President?" The Vice President inquired.

"Nothing at all, boss. I just done finished a jigsaw puzzle in record time!" The President beamed.

"How long did it take you?"

"Well, the box said '3 to 5 Years' but I did it in a month!"

[bigbear999]

becks and victoria have invited jacko for a holiday on their new boat.'sure' says jacko,'id love to come on your little cruz'!!!!

[Gazeyre1966]

A young black boy walks into the kitchen where his mother is baking bread. He walks up to the flour and covers his face in it.

"Look mum...I'm a white boy" he cries.

His mum gives him such a slap in the face and says "Go show your father what you have done".

The boy goes to his father and reluctantly says "Look dad...I'm a white boy".

His father puts the boy across his knee and spanks his arse and then tells the boy "Go show your Grandmother what you've done".

The boy goes to his grandmother and sheeplishly says "Look gran...I'm a white boy".

The gran gives him a clip around the ear and tells him to go back to his mother.

The boy goes back and immediately his mother says "I hope you've learned a valuable lesson today".

To which the boy replies...."Damn right I have.....I've only been a white boy for 5 minutes and I hate you black b******s already!!!!".

[ross]

wots mic jackson and sata claws got in common?

they both leave childrens rooms with empty sacks!

[unclechicken]

Michael Jackson asks his lawyer to get him a good DVD in to watch.

"Shall I get you Aladdin?" asks the lawyer.

"Dont you think im in enough trouble???" says Jacko.

I know its a bit old now, but its not on here lol



And the worst joke in history I heard when I was at school......



Two biscuits walking down the street. One says "Where do you live?"

The other replies "Im not telling you, you'll nick my washing!!"




Thats poor.......


Two piles of sick are walking down the street, one of them starts crying.

"Whats up with you" asks the first one.

The second one says "I was brought up round here"

[RB]

The Phone Call


((((RING)))) (((RING)))

**Pick Up**

"Hello?"

"Hi honey, this is Daddy, Is Mommy near the phone?"

"No Daddy, She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Frank."

After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Frank."

"Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now"

Brief Pause...

"Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door, and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway."

"Okay Daddy, just a minute."

A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone.

"I did it Daddy."

"And what happened honey?" he asked.

"Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn't moving at all!"

"Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Frank?"

"He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead"

***Long Pause***

***Longer Pause***

Then Daddy says, "Swimming pool??? .....Is this 555-7039??"

[RB]

John & Marsha decided that the only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their 8 year old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony and tell him to report on all the neighborhood activities.
He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation.
"There's a car being towed from the parking lot" he shouted.
A few moments passed "An ambulance just drove by"
A few moments passed.
"Looks like the Andersons have company" he called out.
"Matt's riding a new bike"
"The Coopers are having sex!!"
Startled, Mother and Dad shot up in bed!!!
Dad cautiously asked "How do you know they are having sex??"
"Jimmy Cooper is standing out on his balcony too"

[PJ]

...Two biscuits..."Where do you live?"..."Im not telling you, you'll nick my washing!!"...

I think you're gonna have to explain that one to me... :-?

[Jamesbond_007838]

Then Daddy says, "Swimming pool??? .....Is this 555-7039??"

Thats an old one

[stevedude2]

A bloke gets a job at the local store. On the first day he turns up early, all enthusiastic and eager to impress. The manager says, 'OK John, I'm going to start you off behind the till. Watch me for a few minutes, and I'll show you how it's done!'

The manager stands behind the desk, and his new employee looks on intently as a guy walks in.

'Hi there Sir, how may I be of assistance?' says the manager, trying to set a good example.

'I'd like a packet of grass-seeds please', the customer replies.

Manager: There you go sir, one pack of grass seeds at 59p, and here's your lawn-mower...
Customer: You what?
Manager: Your lawn-mower sir....
Customer: What do I need that for?
Manager: Well sir, when you plant the seeds you'll have grass in a few weeks and you'll need the lawn-mower to mow the grass. Simple. Pay me £5 a week for 10 weeks and it's yours...
Customer: Oh yes, I didn't think of that, thanks...

And the customer walks out really happy.

Manager: There you go John, THAT is how it's done, learn from the master (etc). Go on, you serve the next customer...

John stands at the counter for a minute, and then another bloke walks in.

Customer#2: Can I have a packet of tampons please?

John: Yes certainly sir, [reaches under the counter and produces a box of jam-rags, this shop has everything...] one pack of tampons, that'll be £1.20...and here's your lawn-mower...

[The manager stands in disbelief, then turns away, his head in his hands...]

Customer#2: What do I want a lawn-mower for, you dipshit?

John: Well sir, it looks like your weekend's f***ed, so you might as well cut the grass...

[DaemonX]

if we're going for old jokes.....

why did the chicken cross the road.... (do I need to finish this)

ok... pub related jokes.

a man walks into a bar... OUCH.

2 men walk into a bar, (which is stupid as you'd think one of them would have noticed it!)


a packet of crisps walks into a bar and asks the barman for a pint of guinness..... the barman replys... sorry sir, we don't serve food here!.

a lion walks into a bar and orders..... a large coke........and...... a packet of crisps...... Certainly sir, replys the barman but why the large pause? (paws)

an antelope walks into a bar and orders a strongbow, the barman serves him then asks... why the long face?

(back to my white room now, hmmm soft padding)