2120 replies to this topic

[Liverpool2008]

A blonde with two red ears went to her doctor. The doctor asked her what had happened to her ears and she answered, "I was ironing a shirt and the phone rang - but instead of picking up the phone I accidentally picked up the iron and stuck it to my ear."
"Oh Dear!" the doctor exclaimed in disbelief. "But. what happened to your other ear?" "The son of a bitch called back.

[Liverpool2008]

lol lol

[mrgspot]

Chubby the fat bastard is on at the broadway in peterborough tom night and im going for a laugh, may post some of his jokes tom night.

[jay2]

Chubby the fat bastard is on at the broadway in peterborough tom night and im going for a laugh, may post some of his jokes tom night.

Loved him in the old "helmet" days,lost it a bit now though,his dvd's don't even last a hour nowaday's.
Still a funny fat bastard though

[Gazeyre1966]

I hear Elton John and George Michael are getting together to do a duet. It's a song from the Wizard of Oz.

It's called "Swallow the Fella's Thick Load".

[Gazeyre1966]

A man working for the undeliverable mail section of the Post Office is going through the letters just before Christmas. He finds one with the word "GOD" scrawled on the envelope, so intrigued he opens it.

"Dear God. My name is Agnes...I am 90 years old. A terrible thing has just happened to me. My house has been burgled and they've taken everything. I have no money left in the bank and my pension isn't due again until after Xmas. I have no family left and I don't know where to turn. I ask you for one favour. Please, give me £100 so I can treat the only two friends I have in the world to Xmas dinner....I promised them I would...Please help me. Thanks. Love Agnes."

The man was so moved by the letter he immediately went around the Post Office workers collecting money for the poor lady. At the end of the whip round he had £90. He put it in an envelope and posted it off to the old lady.

Xmas came and went. A couple of weeks later he was surfing through the mail again and he came across another envelope with "GOD" scrawled on the envelope. Excited, he called all the workers through so he could read it to them.

"Dear God. Thank you so much for the money you sent me at Xmas. I had such a wonderful time with my friends. I was able to cook them a lovely meal and we all had a few drinks and they went home happy.".

The workers hearts were warm with satisfaction that they had helped the old lady. The man turned over the page and kept reading.

"Oh God....I thought I'd just mention that the envelope was £10 short. I'll bet it was those THIEVING f***ERS at the Post Office that stole it."

[skabaz]

elton john goes to the doctors.
elton:doctor i need your help,i have a tour coming up soon and i am feeling like shit.i have been sick,had the shits and felt really tired every day for the past few days.

doctor:right we will take some tests and will let you know the results.

3 days later

doctor:well elton i have some bad news,i am afraid you are hiv positive and have full blown aids.

elton:thats the worst news ever!!!!please can you do something??i have lots of money and would be prepared to give any amount for a cure!!!

doctor:what i want you to do is eat the following foods every day for the next 2 weeks...
jalapeno peppers
red cabbage
3 kebabs a day
2 curries a day
and lots of beans and lentils

elton:is that all i need to do to cure me????

doctor:no but i will give you a good idea what your arse is supposed to be used for.

baz

[chan]

elton and davids wedding went just fine all the celebs attended the day went well, there was just one slight problem the grooms ring was a bit tight

[Gazeyre1966]

Can any one please tell me why i can't upload any flyers?. I have been trying for days now. Thanks

Where's the punchline?

Posting in a correct thread might help. In case you haven't noticed, this is a JOKES thread.

Check the forums on where to post your problem.

DOH!!!!

[RB]

A cruise in the Pacific goes all wrong,the ship sinks,and there were only 3 survivors : Gilligan, the Skipper and Mary Ann. They manage to swim to a tiny desert isle. They live there for a couple of years doing what’s natural for men and women to do…..After several years of casual sex, Mary Ann felt absolutely horrible about what she had been doing.
She felt having sex with both Gilligan and the Skipper was so bad that she killed herself.
It was very tragic but both Gilligan and the Skipper managed to get through it, and, after awhile nature once more took it’s inevitable course……….
Well,a couple more years went by and Gilligan and the Skipper began to feel absolutely horrible about what they were doing.










So they buried her....

[ady]

A guy walks into a bar and approaches the barman, "Can I have a pint of Less, please?"

"I'm sorry sir," the barman replies, looking slightly puzzled, "I've not come across that one before. Is it a spirit?"

"I've no idea," replies the guy, "The thing is, I went to see my doctor last week and he told me that I should drink less."

[Bencrest]

Chubby the fat bastard is on at the broadway in peterborough tom night and im going for a laugh, may post some of his jokes tom night.

Nice little theatre that, went to see Jimmy Carr there a while back. I'm sure you know the interval drinks drill - DON'T run upstairs and get a 330ml bottle of Becks for about £3, run to The College Arms about 50m down the road

[ady]

Nice little theatre that, went to see Jimmy Carr there a while back. I'm sure you know the interval drinks drill - DON'T run upstairs and get a 330ml bottle of Becks for about £3, run to The College Arms about 50m down the road

good advice Ben.....

In Benidorm though is a great (very great) look/soundalike....Seen the real Chubb's and the Spanish One.....

But.....

Beers is still cheaper......bit too far to go for a night out though!

[Gazeyre1966]

A man walks into a shop and walks up to the counter and asks the attendant.

"Two pounds of Irish Sausage please."

"Are you Irish?" replies the attendant.

"Yes I am actually, but are you trying to tell me that if a Scotsman walked in that you would only let him buy slice and if an Italian walked in then you would only let him buy salami or if a German came in that you would only let him buy Bratwurst?"

"No" replies the attendant "but you're in Homebase!!!"

[RB]

A gay man, finally deciding he could no longer hide his sexuality from his parents, went over to their house, and found his mother in the kitchen cooking dinner. He sat down at the kitchen table, let out a big sigh, and said, "Mom, I have something to tell you, I'm gay."
His mother made no reply or gave any response, and the guy was about to repeat it to make sure she'd heard him, when she turned away from the pot she was stirring and said calmly, "You're gay, doesn't that mean you have oral sex with other men?"
The guy said nervously, "Uh, yeah, Mom, that's right."
His mother went back to stirring the pot, then suddenly whirled around and WHACKED him over the head with her spoon and said, "Don't you EVER complain about the taste of my cooking again!"

[RB]

Grandma and Grandpa were watching a healing service on TV. The evangelist called to all who wanted to be healed to go to their TV set, place one hand on the TV and the other hand on the body part where they wanted to be healed. Grandma got up and slowly hobbled to the TV, placed her right hand on the set and her left hand on her arthritic shoulder that was causing her to have great pain.
Then Grandpa got up, went to the TV, placed his right hand on the set and his left hand on his crotch.
Grandma scowled at him and said, "I guess you just don't get it. The purpose of doing this is to heal the sick, not to raise the dead."

[wayne123]

'There are these homophobic bastards who basically take the piss from everybody, but these tossas are so addicted to fruit machines they recreate them and play them all day before spending their hard earned dole money on the real things later - the punchline? - there isn't one! - That's just sad.'

1) I'm sure as hell NOT homophobic. I may be many things, but thats not one of them.

2) I'm sure as hell NOT on the dole. I've worked since the day I was 16 and have only ever missed 2 days off work sick in the past 4 years.

3) I'm certainly not a bastard, my parents celebrating their 25th Wedding Anniversary in May this year, and myself being 20.

4) You've been a member for two and a half years, and you've posted twice...

Methinks someone came out of the closet earlier and is still feeling a little hyper, hence the taking of a non-homophobic joke by RB so badly

Hey guys don't take offence, it just taking the piss out of a small minority of the population!!, see it didn't affect you such people!, cause only homophobics and dole dossers would find is offensive!!

[RB]

An elderly couple decides to get some ice cream. The old man opts to go alone and asks his wife what she wants. “I want a banana split,” she says. “Are you going to remember this, or should I write it down?”
“No, no, I’m sure I can remember,” the old man replies.
“I also want chocolate, vanilla, and strawberry with whipped cream and sprinkles. You sure you’re going to remember all this?”
“Yeah yeah, I’m not that old,” exclaims the increasingly agitated husband.
“And don’t forget the cherry on top,” says the wife.
The old man leaves for the ice cream and returns three hours later with a bag of bagels.
His wife, looking confused, surveys the order and exclaims, “So where the hell is my cream cheese?”

[Jimbob219]

What's Michael Jacksons favourite desert?

Under 8's

Jimbob