2120 replies to this topic

[ricardo de ponsa]

My grandad was really ill a few months ago.

 

Doctors had tried everything, so as a last resort, we decided to smear his back with loads of butter.

 

It was a bad move really, as he went downhill really quickly after that !!!!

[Max Cartwright]

My friend says to me: "What rhymes with orange" I said: "No it doesn't".

[bri365]

Wife rang me and said she had just purchased a wireless bra...............f*** me I thought that were hard enough to undo already, now I need a password.

[bri365]

Sex before marriage is considered a sin.................after marriage it's a miracle.

[ricardo de ponsa]

My ex girlfriend had a water bed, it was great at first , but after awhile we just drifted apart !!!

[frig]

Dear Michael,
I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won’t be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I’m just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over.. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.
Love, Papa

A few days later he received a letter from his son.

Dear Pop,
Don’t dig up that garden. That’s where the bodies are buried.
Love,
Michael

At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Pop,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That’s the best I could do under the circumstances.

Love you,
Michael

[cashbox1]

Two women police dog handlers are on the beat, one says "I'm cold I left my knickers at the station."
The other one says "let the dog have a sniff of your fanny and he'll fetch them."
The dog returned 20 minutes later with her knickers and truncheon two broom handles and 3 of the desk sergeants fingers.

[bri365]

Does my Thai girlfriend have a penis? Something inside me says yes!

[cashbox1]

why did david beckham have a bald head ? someone told victoria that sex would be better if she shaved her c**t

[cashbox1]

beware of the ebay scam - just wasted a hundred quid on a job lot of jehovahs witness advent calendars...what a total waste of money - you cant get past the first door....

Edited by cashbox1, 24 November 2019 - 11:05 PM.

[cashbox1]

trust me to get the dyslexic customer services agent on amazon - i ordered four kindles and he sent me a 2 ronnies DVD

[ricardo de ponsa]

Sad to hear that the inventor of predictive text has died. His funfair will be hello on Sundial.

The inventor of the crossword was buried today. Three down and Four across.

[Max Cartwright]

Two donkeys are standing at the roadside, one asks the other: So, shall we cross?
The other shakes his head: No way, look what happened to the zebra. 🤣

[hitthesix]

Women really know how to hold a grudge. 

 

My wife asked me to pass her a lip balm. And by mistake, I gave her a tube of Super Glue.

 

It’s been a month now and she’s still not speaking to me!

[hitthesix]

Yesterday I learnt that 20 piranhas can strip all flesh off a man within 15 minutes.

Unfortunately, I also lost my job at the local swimming pool.

[CharlieRaymondo]

Yesterday I learnt that 20 piranhas can strip all flesh off a man within 15 minutes.

Unfortunately, I also lost my job at the local swimming pool.

f*****g sick but like the way you think😂

Edited by CharlieRaymondo, 03 December 2019 - 01:23 AM.

[hitthesix]

I finally got one of those roof boxes for the car. It's very practical.

 

I can barely hear my kids now.

[ricardo de ponsa]

Kids nowadays are illterate. When I was at school we learnt the 3 R's

 

Woodwork, Geography and Spelling !!!!!!!!!!!

[hitthesix]

My wife and I have reached a decision that we do not want children. 

 

If anybody does please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.

 

 

 

My little daughter came to me all excited, saying, “Daddy! Daddy! Guess how old I’ll be in June!”

“Oh I don’t know princess, why don’t you tell me?” I said.

She gave me a huge smile and held up four fingers.

It’s now three hours later, police have joined in and she still won’t say where she got them.

[Max Cartwright]

A man walks into a bar... OUCH!