2120 replies to this topic

[superbaron]

A boy asks his Dad one day, “Dad, what’s the difference between confident and confidential?”

His Dad replies, “Well, you’re my son – I’m confident about that. And your best friend Jimmy is also my son – that’s confidential.”

[superbaron]

A teacher is teaching a class and she sees that Johnny isn't paying attention, so she asks him, "If there are three ducks sitting on a fence, and you shoot one, how many are left?" Johnny says, "None." The teacher asks, "Why?" Johnny says, "Because the shot scared them all off." The teacher says, "No, two, but I like how you're thinking." Johnny asks the teacher, "If you see three women walking out of an ice cream parlor, one is licking her ice cream, one is sucking her ice cream, and one is biting her ice cream, which one is married?" The teacher says, "The one sucking her ice cream." Johnny says, "No, the one with the wedding ring, but I like how you're thinking!"

 

[superbaron]

The owner of a drug store walked into his store one day, only to notice a man leaning heavily against a wall.

The owner went over to his staff member behind the counter and asked them, “What’s wrong with that guy over there by the wall?”

The staff member replied, “Oh him – he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn’t find any cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative instead.”

The owner shouted, “You fool! What were you thinking? You can’t treat a cough with laxatives!”

The staff member said, “Of course I can. Look at him, he’s not coughed once since I gave it to him – he’s too scared!”

[superbaron]

Why did I get divorced? Well, last week was my birthday. My wife didn't wish me a happy birthday. My parents forgot and so did my kids. I went to work and even my colleagues didn't wish me a happy birthday. As I entered my office, my secretary said, "Happy birthday, boss!" I felt so special. She asked me out for lunch. After lunch, she invited me to her apartment. We went there and she said, "Do you mind if I go into the bedroom for a minute?" "Okay," I said. She came out 5 minutes later with a birthday cake, my wife, my parents, my kids, my friends, & my colleagues all yelling, "SURPRISE!!!" while I was waiting on the sofa... naked.

[superbaron]

An angry wife was complaining about her husband spending all his free time in a bar, so one night he took her along with him. "What'll you have?" he asked. "Oh, I don't know. The same as you I suppose," she replied. So, the husband ordered a couple of Jack Daniel's and threw his down in one shot. His wife watched him, then took a sip from her glass and immediately spat it out. "Yuck, that's TERRIBLE!" she spluttered. "I don't know how you can drink this stuff!" "Well, there you go," cried the husband. "And you think I'm out enjoying myself every night!"

[Max Cartwright]

When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks 'Has the bus come yet?'. If the bus came would I be standing here, dumbarse?

[Dan1]

Saw this joke the other day:

 

Hey Girl are you the stock market cause you're erratic and f***ed my mates' dad.

Edited by Dan1, 09 May 2020 - 04:17 PM.

[superbaron]

What's the difference between a pickpocket and a peeping tom? One snatches your watch. The other watches your snatch.

[ricardo de ponsa]

Is a 'Locksmith', classed as a 'Keyworker' ?

[superbaron]

A child asked his father, "How were people born?" So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on." The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now." The child ran back to his father and said, "You lied to me!" His father replied, "No, your mam was talking about her side of the family."

[Dan1]

A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when her daughter walks in. “Mother, where do babies come from?” The mother thinks for a few seconds and says, “Well dear, Mommy and Daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug, and have sex.” The daughter looks puzzled so the mother continues, “That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy’s vagina. That’s how you get a baby, honey.” The child seems to comprehend. “Oh, I see, but the other night when I came into your room you had daddy’s penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?” “Jewelry, my dear. Jewelry.

Edited by Dan1, 11 May 2020 - 07:25 AM.

[Dan1]

Q: Is Google male or female?
A: Female, because it doesn't let you finish a sentence before making a suggestion.

[bri365]

Last time I was in Sheffield I needed to get some DIY stuff.

So I asked a passer-by, "Is there a B & Q in Sheffield?"

He said, "No, mate but there are two F's, if that's any help".

[superbaron]

An old woman walked into a dentist's office, took off all her clothes, and spread her legs. The dentist said, "I think you have the wrong room." "You put in my husband's teeth last week," she replied. "Now you have to remove them."

[bri365]

A redheaded man walks into a bar and sits next to another redheaded man. He orders a Guinness, and the other redheaded man turns to him. "I'm guessing from that accent you're from Dublin?" he asks, in an Irish brogue. "To be sure!" the 1st man exclaims, "here, barman, get this feller a Guinness, too."

Their conversation continues: 1st: "Lemme ask you, what street did you grow up on?" 2nd: "St. Catherine Street. And you?" 1st: "St. Catherine Street, same as you!" 2nd: "Here, barman, get this guy a Jameson! What school did you go to?" 1st: "St. Joseph's Academy." 2nd: "Son of a bitch, I went to St. Joseph's too! Barman, get this man a Jameson!" This continues and, as they discover they had the same teachers and knew the same neighbourhood kids, they got louder and drunker until a customer at the other end of the bar complains to the barman, "Whatever's up with those two?"

The barman shrugs and says, "It's the O'Shaughnessy twins, they're drunk again."

[Max Cartwright]

Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies. They all wrote in hydraulics. If you can read this, stay safe : )

[bri365]

The dog ran off last night, so there I was walking round the park calling his name for 20 minutes but I couldn't find him.

My wife said I should look harder, so I shaved my head and got a tattoo. But I still can't find the fecking dog!

[superbaron]

A family was driving behind a garbage truck when a dildo flies out and thumped against the windshield. Embarrassed, and to spare her young son's innocence, the mother turns around and says, "Don't worry, dear. That was just an insect." "Wow," the boy replies. "I'm surprised it could get off the ground with a cock like that!"

[dachshund]

Last time I was in Sheffield I needed to get some DIY stuff.

So I asked a passer-by, "Is there a B & Q in Sheffield?"

He said, "No, mate but there are two F's, if that's any help".

there are 2  b and q's in sheffield lol