2120 replies to this topic

[reedy0666]

newsflash Elton john is getting a divorce




he discovered his husband was having sex behind his back

[Jimbob219]

newsflash Elton john is getting a divorce




he discovered his husband was having sex behind his back

That is quality! ROFL

Jimbob

[stevedude2]

Michael Barrymore is making his TV comeback in a new comedy starring himself and Nicholas Lyndhurst...










...It's called Only Pools and Corpses.

[Gazeyre1966]

Nelson Mandela is sitting at home watching TV and drinking a beer when he hears a knock at the door. When he opens it, he is confronted by a
little Chinese man, clutching a clip board and yelling, "You Sign! You
sign!"
Behind him is an enormous truck full of car exhausts.

Nelson is standing there in complete amazement, when the Chinese man
starts to yell louder, "You Sign! You sign!"
Nelson says to him, "Look, you've obviously got the wrong man", and
shuts the door in his face.

The next day he hears a knock at the door again. When he opens it, the
little Chinese man is back with a huge truck of brake pads.
He thrusts his clipboard under Nelson's nose, yelling, "You sign! You
sign!"

Mr Mandela is getting a bit hacked off by now, so he pushes the little
Chinese man back, shouting: "Look, go away! You've got the wrong man.
I don't want them!"
Then he slams the door in his face again.

The following day, Nelson is resting, and late in the afternoon, he
hears a knock on the door again. On opening the door, there is the
same little Chinese man thrusting a lipboard under his nose, shouting, "You
sign! You sign!"
Behind him are TWO very large trucks full of car parts. This time
Nelson loses his temper completely, he picks up the little man by his shirt
front and yells at him: "Look, I don't want these! Do you understand?
You must have the wrong name! Who do you want to give these to?"
The little Chinese man looks very puzzled, consults his clipboard, and
says:



"You not Nissan Main Dealer?"

[rarnold]

A man staggers into an emergency room with a concussion, multiple bruises,
two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.
Naturally, the doctor asks him what happened.

"Well, it was like this", said the man. "I was having a quiet round of golf
with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a pasture
of cows. We went to look for them, and while I was rooting around,
I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over
and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my
wife's monogram on it -- stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt.
That's when I made my big mistake."

"What did you do?" asked the doctor.

"Well, I lifted the cow's tail and yelled to my wife, "Hey this looks like
yours!" ....... I don't remember much after that."

[Gazeyre1966]

At last...A little revenge.

Shark Fishing...

Out on her royal yacht the Queen was enjoying the sea air when she spied a man in the water off the port bow - clearly being menaced by a very large shark.

Through her binoculars she could see it was Cristiano Ronaldo struggling frantically to free himself from the jaws of a 20 foot shark! The Queen ordered the captain to change course to try and save the poor man but she knew the yachts top speed would never get them there in time.

At that exact moment a speedboat containing three men wearing white tops sped into view. One of the men took aim at the shark and fired a harpoon into its ribs, immobilizing it instantly. The other two reached out and pulled Ronaldo from the water and, using long clubs, beat the shark to death. They bundled the bleeding, semi-conscious Ronaldo into the speedboat along with the dead shark and prepared for a hasty retreat when they heard frantic calling ......

It was the Queen calling them to the yacht.

On reaching the yacht the Queen went into raptures about the rescue and said, "I'll give you a knighthood for your brave actions. I thought the England team would hate Ronaldo after the world cup but I see that the England team are true heroes and should serve as a model for sportsmanship to their country". She knighted them and sailed away.

As she departed Rooney asked the others, "Who was that?!"

"That," Beckham answered, "was our Queen. She rules the Commonwealth and knows everything about our country."

"Well," Rooney replied.



"She knows f*** all about shark fishing, how's the bait holding up?"

[gazza.r]

Being British is about driving in a German car to an Irish pub for a
>Belgian beer, then travelling home, grabbing an Indian curry or
>a Turkish kebab on the way, to sit on Swedish furniture and watch
>American shows on a Japanese TV.
>
>And the most British thing of all? - Suspicion of anything
>foreign.
>
>Oh and......
>Only in Britain ... can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
>Only in Britain ... do supermarkets make sick people walk all
>the way to the back of the shop to get their prescriptions while
>healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
>Only in Britain ... do people order double cheeseburgers, large
>fries and a DIET coke.
>
>Only in Britain ... do banks leave both doors open and chain
>the pens to the counters.
>
>Only in Britain .... do we leave cars worth thousands of pounds
>on the drive and lock our junk and cheap lawn mower in the garage.
>Only in Britain ... do we use answering machines to screen calls and then
>have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we
>didn't want to talk to in the first place.
>
>Only in Britain ... are there disabled parking places in front of a
>skating rink.
>
>NOT TO MENTION...
>
>3 Brits die each year testing if a 9v battery works on their tongue.
>142 Brits were injured in 1999 by not removing all pins from new shirts.
>58 Brits are injured each year by using sharp knives instead of
>screwdrivers.
>31 Brits have died since 1996 by watering their Christmas tree while the
>fairy lights were plugged in.
>19 Brits have died in the last 3 years believing that Christmas decorations
>were chocolate.
>British Hospitals reported 4 broken arms last year after cracker pulling
>accidents.
>101 people since 1999 have had broken parts of plastic toys pulled out of
>the soles of their feet.
>18 Brits had serious burns in 2000 trying on a new jumper with a lit
>cigarette in their mouth.
>A massive 543 Brits were admitted to A&E in the last two years after
>opening bottles of beer with their teeth.
>5 Brits were injured last year in accidents involving out of control
>Scalextric cars.
>
>and finally.........
>
>In 2000 eight Brits cracked their skull whilst throwing up into the toilet.
>YOUR'E PROUD TO BE BRITISH

[djgaryc]

Got sent this via email last night by a droid on Roads Policeing at work... I love it when I can send letters like this just ripping the piss
Its probably old, but i thought i'd post it anyway

[rarnold]

Lesson 1:
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.

The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.
When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbour. Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you £800 to drop that towel."
After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob.
After a few seconds, Bob hands her £800 and leaves. The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, "Who was that?"

"It was Bob the next door neighbour," she replies.
"Great!" the husband says, "did he say anything about the £800 he owes me?"

Management lesson:

If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure

Lesson 2:

A priest offered a Nun a lift. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.
The nun said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"
The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?" The priest apologised "Sorry sister but the flesh is weak." Arriving at the convent, the nun went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129.
It said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory."

Management lesson:

If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity

Lesson 3:

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.

They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, "I'll give each of you just one wish."

"Me first! Me first!" says the admin clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world."

Puff! She's gone.

"Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life."

Puff! He's gone.

"OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."

Management lesson:

Always let your boss have the first say

Lesson 4

An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing. A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing?"
The eagle answered: "Sure, why not."
So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Management lesson:

To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up

Lesson 5

A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy."
"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients." The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree. He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

Management lesson:

Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there

Lesson 6

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.

A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Management lesson:

(1) Not everyone who sh!ts on you is your enemy
(2) Not everyone who gets you out of sh!t is your friend
(3) And when you're in deep sh!t, it's best to keep your mouth shut!

This ends the 3-minute management course

[ady]

Essex Girl enters a s*x shop & asks for a vibrator. The man says "Choose
from our range on the wall." She says "I'll take the red one." The man
replies "That's a fire extinguisher."



An Essex girl walks into the local dry cleaners. She places a garment on
the counter. "I'll be back tomorrow afternoon to pick up my dress." she
says.
"Come again?" says the clerk, cupping his ear.
"No" she replies."This time it's mayonnaise."


An Essex girl goes to the council to register for child benefit.
"How many children?" asks the council worker. "10" replies the Essex
girl.
"10?" says the council worker. "What are their names?"
"Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne and
Wayne."
"Doesn't that get confusing?"
"Naah..." says the Essex girl "its great because if they are out playing
in the street I just have to shout WAYNE, YER DINNER'S READY, or WAYNE
GO TO BED NOW and they all do it..." "What if you want to speak to one
individually?" says the perturbed council worker. "That's easy," says
the Essex girl... "I just use their surnames."


An Essex girl was driving down the A13 when her car phone rang.
It was her boyfriend, urgently warning her, "Treacle, I just heard on
the news that there's a car going the wrong way on the A13. Please be
careful!"
"It's not just one car!" said the Essex girl, "There's f*cking hundreds
of them!"

[Dr DX]

A group of girlfriends is on vacation when they see a 5-story hotel with a sign that reads: "For Women Only." Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in.

The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works. "We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what's inside."

So they start going up and on the first floor the sign reads: "All the men on this floor are short and plain." The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor.

The sign on the second floor reads: "All the men here are short and handsome." Still, this isn't good enough, so the friends continue on up.

They reach the third floor and the sign reads: "All the men here are tall and plain."
They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they continued on up.
On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: "All the men here are tall and handsome." The women get all excited and are going in when they realize that there is still one floor left. Wondering what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor.

There they find a sign that reads: "There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman."



"let the ear bashing begin hehe"

[plaquie]

what hav michael jackson and a playstation got in common???....they both get turned on by kis ! ! !

[CrAzYbAr]

what hav michael jackson and a playstation got in common???....they both get turned on by kis ! ! !

AND you forgot that they are both plastic mate;)

[rarnold]

A guy is having a drink in a very dark bar. He leans over to the big woman next to him and says, "Do you wanna hear a funny blonde joke?" The big woman replies, "Well, before you tell that joke, you should know something. I'm blonde, six feet tall, 210 lb., and I'm a professional triathlete and bodybuilder. The blonde woman sitting next to me is 6'2", weighs 220 lb., and she's an ex-professional wrestler. Next to her is a blonde who's 6'5", weighs 250 lb., and she's a current professional kick boxer. Now, do you still want to tell that blonde joke?" The guy thinks about it a second and says, "No, not if I'm going to have to explain it three times."

[mazooma]

A guy is driving around Dublin when he sees a sign in front of a house:

"Talking Dog For Sale."

He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard.
The guy goes into the backyard and sees a Labrador sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks.

"Yes," the Lab replies.

"So, what's the story?"

The Lab looks up and says: "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I
was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the Garda
about my gift, and in no time at all they had me jetting from country
to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no
one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most
valuable spies for eight years running." "But the jetting around really
tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to
settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover
security wandering near suspicious characters and listening in." "I
uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I
got married, had a load of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for
the dog.

"Ten euros," the man says.

"Ten euros? This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so
cheap?"

"Because he's a liar. He never did any of that shite

[adamran]

I thought this was funny:

Mark had forgot all about his wifes birthday, so she was very angry, she said to mark "When I open this front door tommorow I want to see something that goes nought to sixty in a second OR ELSE!", the next day mark told his wife to shut her eyes and led her to the front door, he opended it and told her to look, she did and said "where is it", Mark said "Look down near your feet", she looked only to find a pair of scales.

Adam

[mazooma]

A woman meets a man in a bar. They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together. They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment, she notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears. There are three shelves in the bedroom, with hundreds and hundreds of cute, cuddly teddy bears, carefully placed in rows covering the entire wall!

It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them and she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into organizing the display. There were small bears all along the bottom shelf, medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf, and huge, enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf.

She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large a collection of Teddy Bears, but doesn't mention this to him, and actually is quite impressed by his sensitive side. They share a bottle of wine and continue talking and, after a while, she finds herself thinking, "Oh my God! Maybe, this guy could be the one! Maybe he could be the future father my children?"

She turns to him and kisses him lightly on the lips. He responds warmly. They continue to kiss, the passion builds, and he romantically lifts her in his arms and carries her into his bedroom where they rip off each other's clothes and make passionate love. She is so overwhelmed that she responds with more passion, more creativity, more heat than she has ever known.

After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow. The woman rolls over, gently strokes his chest and asks coyly, "Well, how was it?" The guy gently smiles at her, strokes her cheek, looks deeply into her eyes, and says:


"Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf."

[Gazeyre1966]

Question: Who's been looking at the Hun's Yellow Pages?

Answer: Mazoomabelle and me.

Do I win a teddy bear?

[Gazeyre1966]

A priest hooks a huge fish. Helping him reel it in, a sailor says "Whoa, look at the size of that f*cker!"

"Hey, mind your language!" says the priest.

Embarrassed, the sailor thinks quickly and blurts out, "Sorry father,but that's what this fish is called - it's a F*cker fish"

Accepting the explanation, the priest forgives the sailor and takes
the fish back to church.

"Look at this huge f*cker" says the priest, spotting the bishop.

"Language, please! this is God's house," replies the bishop.

"No, no - that's what this fish is called, " says the priest.

"Oh," says the bishop, scratching his chin "I could clean that f*cker and we could have it for dinner".

So the bishop takes the fish, cleans it, and brings it to the mother superior.

"Could you cook this f*cker for dinner tonight?" he asks her.

"My, what language!" she exclaims, clearly shocked.

"No, sister that's what the fish is called - a f*cker" says the
bishop.

Satisfied with the explanation, the Mother Superior says, "wonderful, I'll cook that f*cker tonight, the Pope is coming for dinner!"

The fish tastes just great and The Pope asks where they got it.

"Well, I caught the f*cker!" says the priest. "and I cleaned the f*cker!" says the bishop, and I cooked the f*cker" says the Mother Superior.

The Pope stares at them for a minute with a steely glaze, leans back on his chair, takes off his cap, puts his feet up on the table, pours himself a large whisky and says......

"You know what?, you f*cking c***s are alright!!!!"

[todd1970]

These are from a book called Disorder in the Courts, and are things
people actually said in court word for word.

Q: Are you sexually active?
A: No, I just lie there.
__________________________________
Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July 15th.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.
______________________________________
Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
_____________________________________
Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget? Can you give us an example of something that you've
forgotten?
_________________________________
Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.
____________________________________
Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up
that
morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.
______________________________________
Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the

occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.
______________________________________
Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he
doesn't
know about it until the next morning?
A: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
_______________________________
Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
_____________________________________
Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
_____________________________________
Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?
____________________________________
Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?
______________________________________
Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
_____________________________________
Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?
______________________________________
Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice

which I
sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
_____________________________________
Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
_____________________________________
Q: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.
______________________________________
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an
autopsy.
______________________________________
Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
______________________________________
And the favourite:
Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a
pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began
the
autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing
law
somewhere close by.

Hope ye liked them guys..gave me a laff anyways