2120 replies to this topic

[PJ]

One evening, as the farmer and his wife are entertaining guests, they are interrupted by an out-of breath little Johnny who shouts out, "Farmer! Come quick! The bull is f*****g the cow!" Highly embarrassed, the farmer takes young Johnny aside and explains that a certain decorum is required. "You should have said, 'The bull is surprising the cow' - not some filth you picked up in the City", he says.

A few days later, little Johnny comes again as the farmer and his wife are entertaining. "Farmer! The bull is surprising the cows!". The adults share a knowing grin. The farmer says, "Thank you little Johnny, but surely you meant to say the cow, not COWS. A bull cannot ’surprise’ more than one cow at a time, you know.". "Yes he can..." replies Johnny...


"...he’s f*****g the horse!"

[hitthesix]

nice one lmao..
two woman talking in heaven ist woman says
Hi! My name is Wanda. 2nd woman: Hi! I'm Sylvia. How'd you die? 1st woman: I froze to death. 2nd woman: How horrible! 1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I Began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What About you? 2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my Husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV. 1st woman: So, what happened? 2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic And searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every Closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had Looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just Keeled over with a heart attack and died.




1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer ---we'd both still be Alive.

[fruitman69]

nice one lmao..
two woman talking in heaven ist woman says
Hi! My name is Wanda. 2nd woman: Hi! I'm Sylvia. How'd you die? 1st woman: I froze to death. 2nd woman: How horrible! 1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I Began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What About you? 2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my Husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV. 1st woman: So, what happened? 2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic And searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every Closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had Looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just Keeled over with a heart attack and died.




1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer ---we'd both still be Alive.

Thats Quality - i really liked that

[ady]

Just watching Jim Bowen on Bullseye...so it is old!




Guy goes to the Doctor, He said Dr I have just drunk a Gallon of petrol what should I do?

Doctor replies..............About 25 miles.....

[rarnold]

If a small child is choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a
Jug of boiling water down its throat and hey presto! The blockage is
almost instantly removed.

Before attempting to remove stubborn stains from a garment,
Always circle the stain in permanent pen, so that when you remove the
garment
From the washing machine you can easily locate the area of the stain and
check that it has gone.

Don't waste money on expensive binoculars. Just stand next to
The object you wish to view.

Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by
Getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.

Always poo at work. Not only will you save money on toilet
paper, but you'll also be getting paid for it.

Weight watchers. Avoid that devilish temptation to nibble at a Chocolate
bar in the cupboard or fridge by not buying the f**king thing in
The first place.

Anorexics. When your knees become fatter than your legs, start eating
cakes again.

Save on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whisky. The
Morning after, you can create the Effects of a hangover by drinking a
thimble
Full of washing up liquid and banging your head repeatedly on the wall.

Recreate the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in your home by
filling the
bath with cold water, adding two bottles of bleach,
then urinating into it, before jumping in.

Don't buy expensive 'ribbed' condoms, just buy an ordinary one and Slip
a handful of frozen peas inside it before you put it on.

Thicken up runny low-fat yoghurt by stirring in a spoonful of
lard.

An empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an
inexpensive vibrator.

Olympic athletes. Disguise the fact that you've taken steroids
By running a bit slower.

Save on matches and lighters, by simply lighting your next fag
From the butt of your last one.

Vegetarians coming to dinner? Simply serve them a nice bit of
Steak or veal. Since they're always going on about how tofu, Quorn, meat
Substitute etc 'tastes exactly like the real thing', they won't know the
difference anyway.

Invited by vegetarians for dinner? Point out that since you'd no doubt
be made aware of their special dietary requirements, tell
Them about yours, and ask for a nice steak.

High blood pressure sufferers. Simply cut yourself and bleed for
A while, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.

Heavy smokers. Don't throw away those filters from the end of
Your Cigarettes. Save them up and within a few years you'll have enough
to insulate your roof.

Nissan Micra drivers. Attach a lighted sparkler to the roof of
Your car before starting a long journey. You drive the things like
Dodgems anyway, so it may as well look like one.

Avoid bickering and arguments by immediately punching anyone
With whom you disagree.

Fool next door into thinking you have more stairs than them by banging
your feet twice on each stair.

At supermarket checkouts a Toblerone box makes a handy 'Next customer
Please' sign for dyslexic shoppers.

Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes the
fishes' eyes bulge and cause them to swim in an amusing
manner.

A neighbour's car aerial, carefully folded, makes an ideal coat Hanger
in an emergency.

Housewives.The best way to get two bottles of washing-up liquid
For the price of one is by putting one in your shopping trolley and
One in your coat pocket.

Old telephone directories make ideal personal address books.
Simply cross out the names and address of people you don't know.

Disclaimer: please dont do any of the above...

[PJ]

Viz reader by any chance?...


Here's another:- Cheap alternative to cod in white sauce - simply scrape the breadcrumbs off a fish finger and boil it in a used condom...

[PJ]

Young lad is meeting his girlfriend's dad for the first time, to ask for her hand in marriage:-


"Do you think you're earning enough now to support a family?" asks the dad;

"Oh yes, I've got a good steady job, I could do that no trouble at all!"

"Think very carefully now - there are thirteen of us!"...

[Gazeyre1966]

Big Bad Wolf bumps into Little Red Riding Hood in the forest and says "Whooooooo.....Drop your little red top and show me yer tits".

Little Red Riding Hood drops her skirt and knickers and says "f*** That....Eat me like it says in the book."

[Fruity_Goodness]

Trisha and Latoya pay a visit to the zoo and while they are visiting the monkey enclosure Trisha is snared by a big, f*** off silverback gorilla, which commences mauling her in a most savage fashion. Latoya alerts the zoo staff and they arrive on the scene just as the silverback starts raping poor old Trisha in the "tradesman's entrance". Not knowing what to do they turn a fire hose on the beast before pelting it with rocks, both of which has no effect whatsoever. Eventually, a vetinary technician arrives and pumps the gorilla so full of tranquilliser darts that it finally keels over in a dazed heap and the waiting paramedics rush in and take poor old Trisha off to hospital.

The prognosis is not good, as the gorilla has done plenty of damage and Trisha's whole body is greatly traumatized, especially her guts, which are hanging down loose around her ankles. However, she pulls though and makes a good recovery and two weeks later her friend Latoya pays her a visit and wiping tears from her eyes she tells Trisha "Trisha .... I just want you know that I'll always be here for you dear .... We gonna get through this thing together sister" to which Trisha tearfully replies "I know .... I know .... But he don't write .... He don't call"

[PJ]

What's yellow and smells of bananas? Monkey puke.

What's got a hazelnut in every bite? Squirrel shit.

What do UB40 have for breakfast? Reggae Brek. (that's a PC version of one I heard today...)

Which pop band drink the most lager? Beergut 100.

Why are women like pieces of dogshit? Because the older they get, the easier they are to pick up - but if you tread on them, you'll never get rid of them...

Why is having a washing machine better than having a woman? When you dump your load into a washing machine, it won't follow you around for days after...

Difference between fridge and fanny? Fridge doesn't fart when you take your sausage out of it...

[ady]

Stolen from FF posted by CompostCorner

An octopus walks into a bar and says, "I can play ANY musical instrument you like".

An Englishman gives the octopus a guitar, which he playes better than Jimi Hendrix.

An Irishman gives the octopus a piano, which he plays better than Elton John.

A Scotsman throws the octopus some bagpipes. The octopus fumbles for a couple of minutes and the Scotsman says, "Whats wrong. Can ye no play it?". The octopus replies, "Play it? I'm gonna fuck her brains out once I get her pyjamas off".

Brilliant One there!

[tara10825]

A Girl gets two tattoos on her inner thighs: one of Mike Tyson on her right inner thigh and the other is of Evander Holifield on her left inner thigh. She points to them and asks the bartender “Does this look like Mike Tyson?” Bartender says “No.”
She then asks “Does this look like Evander Holifield?”
Bartender says “Nope sorry.”
She’s says “Well I want another opinion.” She sees a drunk guy at the end of the bar. She points to her inner right thigh and asks him “Does this tattoo look like Mike Tyson?”
Drunk guy says “No.”
She points to her inner left thigh and asks “Well does this tattoo look like Evander Holifield?”
Drunk guy says “No but the one in the middle looks like Don King.”

[Dr DX]

What Do you say to a Chav with a Job?................

Burger and Fries Please

What do Chavs use as protection when having sex?...............

Bus shelter Innt.

Bad i know lol.

[PJ]

Yeh, what do you say when you shove a chav into a filing cabinet?...


Sorted!

[tara10825]

Today is my daughters 18th birthday.......
I'm so glad that this is my last child support payment.
Month after month, year after year, those payments!

I called my baby girl to come over to my house, and when she got there, I said to her, "Baby girl, I want you to take this last check over to your Mama's house; You tell her that this is the last check she's ever going to get from me, then I want you to come back here and tell me the expression she had on her face."

So my baby girl took the check over to her. I was so anxious to hear what the ex had to say and how she took it.

As my baby girl walked through the door, I said, "Well now .. what did she have to say?"

"She told me to tell you that you ain't my Daddy."


lol i like this one

[maccy]

A man goes into a seafood restaurant and asks to see the dishes of the
day.
The waiter wheels over a trolley and the man examines the dishes.

"I'll have the little green squid with the hairy lip please" says the
man.

"O.K." replies the waiter and calls out "Gervais!!"
A little French chef appears with a large knife, the waiter instructs
the chef to kill the little green squid with the hairy lip. Gervais is just
about to slice at the poor squid when he notices a tear running down
its face. Gervais is touched, and admits that he hasn't the heart to kill
the squid.

"Not to worry" says the waiter, and calls out "Hans!!" at which an
enormous German bloke comes out of the kitchen.

"Sir", says the waiter, "this is Hans, the dishwasher, Hans, kill
that squid!" The dishwasher wields a huge rolling pin and is just about to
bludgeon the little green squid with the hairy lip when it cringes back
and gives a little cry.

"I am sorry sir, I just cannot kill the squid" Hans admits, his lower
lip trembling.

"Well sir," says the waiter, "it just goes to show.

(Wait for it)

(Sorry about this)

Hans that do dishes, can be soft as Gervais... With mild green, hairy
lipped squid

[todd1970]

Guy walks into the butchers shop and goes "Wheres the new guy that was here last week ?"
"OH him..i sacked him..caught him putting his nob in the bacon slicer"
"Wheres the bacon slicer ?" "Oh i sacked her as well "

[mrmystery83]

What did the elephant say to the naked man?
How the f*** do you drink with that?

Where is an elephants penis?
On it's foot. If it stands on you your f***** !!!

Little Boy: Mummy can i go out and play?
Mum: What with dirty trousers?
Boy: No with Tom next door!

Bloke walks into a fish and chip shop with a trout under his arm and says " Do you do fishcakes?". "Sure we do" said the bloke behind the counter. The bloke with the fish says "Good cos it's his birthday!"

Two nuns driving down the road in Transylvania when all of a sudden a vampire jumps on the windscreen. One shouts "Quick sister show him your cross". So the other nun winds down the window and shouts "OI! GET OUT OF IT YOU TOOTHY **@!*

A bloke walks into a pub and says "Double whisky please mate". The barman serves him and the bloke necks it straight down and says "Same again". The bloke necks about 6 then says to the barman "I shouldn't really be drinking this with what i've got". The barman says "Why what have you got?". The bloke says "8 p" !!!!

Man: Doctor, Doctor i can't stop doing crosswords !
Doctor: Ok cheer up try not to get 2 down !

[hitthesix]

The pretty teacher was concerned with one of her eleven-year-old students. Taking him aside after class one day, she asked, "Little Johnny, why has your school work been so poor lately?"
"I'm in love," the boy replied.
Holding back an urge to smile, she asked, "With whom?"
"With you," he said.
"But Johnny," she said gently, "don't you see how silly that is? It's true that I would like a husband of my own someday. But I don't want a child."







"Oh, don't worry," the boy said reassuringly, "I'll use a rubber."

[mrmystery83]

A bloke goes up to a woman in a bar and says "Hey how about you and me get it together". She says "I can't i'm on my menstrul cycle". He says " It's ok i'll follow you on my moped"!

Brenda: Sharon why have you got that tampon behind your ear?
Sharon: Oh F***!! ME FAG !!!!!

An old woman goes into a sex shop shaking about all over the place. She says to the bloke in there "Do you sell vibrators?". He says "Yeah, what size? 6", 12", or something bigger?". The woman says "I don't want to buy one. HOW THE F*** DO YOU SWITCH IT OFF?!!"

A bloke is doing press up's in the park when a drunk goes over to him and slurs "Excush me but i think shesh gone home"!

Three blokes are up in court charged with being drunk and disorderly. The judge says to the first man "What were you doing on the night in question?". The bloke replies "Throwing Smarties in a swimming pool". The judge says to the second man "And what were you doing" The 2nd bloke replies "I was helping him throw Smarties in a swimming pool". The judge says to the third man "I suppose that's what you were doing too?". The third bloke replies "No sir i'm John Smarties!".

Did you hear about the two blokes that got arrested? One was done for eating batteries, the other one got nicked for eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off!