2120 replies to this topic

[mrmystery83]

A bloke goes into a pub and orders a pint. While he's standing there he notices a big bucket behind the bar full of £50 notes. He says to the Landlord "What's the bucket all about?". The Landlord says "That's the special challenge. It's £50 if you want to have a go. If you win you get the money in the bucket. It's in three parts. The 1st part of the challenge is to knock out our 18 stone, 7 foot doorman Steve with one punch. The 2nd part is go out into the yard and pull an abcessed tooth from my alsation dog. The 3rd part of the challenge is to go upstairs and give the 90 year old landlady a multiple orgasm. No one has ever managed it so far. Fancy trying ya luck?" The bloke says "No problem". Then drops his money in the bucket. He walks up to the doorman and downs him in one punch. After that he goes out into the yard and the Landlord locks him in with the vicious dog. There's growling and snarling from the dog, then all of a sudden yelping. The bloke comes in covered in blood and says "That's the dog taken care of now where's that old bird with the bad tooth"!

[PJ]

Dentist examining patient: Did you have oral sex with your wife this morning?

Patient: Why, is there a pubic hair between my teeth?

Dentist: No, you've got shit up your nose...

[mrmystery83]

She was only the Mayor's daughter but she let the Borough Surveyor

What's the difference between an elephants backside and a postbox?
Don't know?
Well i'm not sending you to post my letters then !

A bloke goes to a seaside resort for a holiday. He's a bit late arriving at his guest house and doesn't get there till 3.00 am. He's knocking on the door a good ten minutes before a window opens and a woman sticks her head out and shouts "What do you want at this hour?". The bloke replies "Hi there i'd like to stay here for the week". The woman slams the window shut and says "Ok you stay there then!"

A bloke goes into a pub and goes up to a bloke who's playing the piano and says "Excuse me do you know your car's on fire outside". The pianist replies "No. But start humming it and i'll try and follow"!

The Lone Ranger and Tonto are walking through the bush on the trail of some bison. Tonto puts his ear to the ground and says "Buffalo come". Lone Ranger replies "How do you know?". Tonto says "Face sticky..........!"

A young woman is walking along a beach stopping now and then to kneel and have a bit of a dig round in the sand. The lifeguard comes over and says "Can i help you miss?". The woman says "I'm looking for my boyfriend. I buried him in the sand and now i can't remember where". The Lifeguard says "Surely you remember. Is your memory that bad?". The woman shouts back at him "WELL WOULD YOU KNOW WHERE ABOUTS YOU WERE SITTING THIS TIME LAST YEAR?!!"

[mrmystery83]

An old woman is driving down the motorway doing 125 miles an hour and knitting at the same time. A cop car chases after her and drives up alongside her. The copper shouts "PULL OVER, PULL OVER". The old woman says "No, actually it's a scarf"!

What's big, pink, hairy and comes in the morning?
The postman!

What's big, pink and hairy and stick out of your pyjamas?
Your head!

Two turds and a brain go into a bar for a drink. The 1st Turd goes up to the barman and says "3 pints please". The landlord says "No way i'm not serving you!". The 2nd Turd goes up and asks for some drinks but again the landlord refuses to serve him. So the brain says "Ok i'll go, you two are useless". He walks up to the bar and says "3 pints please mate". The landlord replies "Look i've already told those two and i'll tell you the same. I'M NOT SERVING YOU OK?". The brain says "Ok, ok keep your hair on. May i ask why you won't give us a drink?". The landlord replies "Cos your out of your head and those two are steaming!"

[mrmystery83]

What do you call a rabbit with a bent d**k?
F***s Funny!

Two fish in a tank. One says to the other "Any idea how you drive this bloody thing?!!"

What's big, green, got 6 legs and would kill you if it fell out a tree?
A snooker table!

Why is a monk like a christmas tree?
The balls are just for decoration!

A bloke walks into a bank, pulls out a gun and says "Hand over all you money or your geography". The cashier says "Don't you mean History?". The bloke shouts back "Oi! Stop changing the subject!"

A husband and wife and getting ready to go out. The wife is fiddling around trying to fasten her bra. Her husband says "I don't know why you bother you've got nothing to put in it!". His wife says "Well you wear underpants don't you........"!

A zoo worker is on his first day. He's told his first job is to clean out the aquarium. But he accidentally smashes the glass and all the water drains out and kills all the fish. "Quick" His supervisor says "Throw them to the lions to eat before anyone notices". So he does as he's told and throws the fish to the lions. He's then told to drive round the Zoo in a buggy and keep an eye on the visitors. All of a sudden two monkeys run across his path and he accidentally runs them over and kills them. He goes to his supervisor who says "Oh not again! Look throw them to the lions again before the boss sees". So the bloke chucks them in the lions den and they gobble them up. His supervisor calls him over and says to him "Let's have no more cock up's today please. There's a new bee delivery coming in. Collect it and take it to the big bee hive at the back of the zoo". So the bloke gets the box with the bees in it but has to tie his lace so leaves it next to him. All of a sudden a big elephant steps on it and squashes them all. He goes to his supervisor and he says "Just chuck them in the lions den and be quick about it". So he does and the lions eat them. The next day a new lion gets delivered to the Zoo. He says to one of the other lions "So, what's the food like here then?". The other lion replies "Hey not bad. Yesterday we had fish, chimps and mushy bees!"

[unclechicken]

The pope just finished a mass sermon, and feels a bit sweaty, so he went in the shower to cool off.

He starts to feel a bit frisky, so he starts masturbating.

The head bishop jumps out of nowhere and starts taking pictures with a digital camera, the pope says "Oi, you fooker! What you doing"

The head bishop explains "You give me half a million pounds, or these pictures appear in all the newspapers around the world, and youll lose your job!!"

So the pope does pay up, in fear of losing his job and house etc etc

The next day, the pope is showing off his new camera.

"How much did that cost?" asks his assistant. "Half a million quid" says the pope.

"Fook me, someone saw you coming for that price!" says the assistant.

[unclechicken]

From the depths of the crypt at St Giles
Came a scream that resounded for miles
Said the curate "Good Gracious!"
Has Father Ignatius
Forgotten the Bishop has piles??

[PJ]

A wicked young slapper named Tammy
Had many a disease of the fanny
She picked up a bloke,
he gave her a poke,
and now his poor dick's gone all gammy!


There was a young lady called Heather
whose fanny was lined with leather
She attracted the boys,
by making a noise,
flapping the edges together!

[todd1970]

Why does Micheal Barrymore have no ashtrays in his house ?
Because he throws his fags in the pool.

Oooohhhh controversial considering this..BBC NEWS | England | Essex | Barrymore arrested over death

[todd1970]

:tongue: :tongue: :tongue:

[tara10825]

A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange:

Officer: May I see your driver’s license?

Driver: I don’t have one. It was revoked when I got my 5th DWI.

Officer: May I see the registration for this vehicle?

Driver: It’s not my car. I stole it.

Officer: The car is stolen?

Driver: That’s right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the registration in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.

Officer: There’s a gun in the glove box?

Driver: Yes sir. That’s where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.

Officer: There’s a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?

Driver: Yes, sir.

Hearing this, the officer immediately called his Captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the Captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation:

Captain: Sir, can I see your license?

Driver: Sure. Here it is. It was valid.

Captain: Whose car is this?

Driver: It’s mine, officer. Here’s the registration. The driver owned the car.

Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there’s a gun in it?

Driver: Yes, sir, but there’s no gun in it. Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.

Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there’s a body in it.

Driver: No problem. Trunk is opened; no body.

Captain: I don’t understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn’t have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glovebox, and that there was a dead body in the trunk.

Driver: Yeah, I’ll bet the lying son of a b1tch. told you I was speeding, too!

[tara10825]

Kylie, Elton and Robbie are walking down the street when Kylie suddenly trips and ends up with her head jammed in some railings.

Robbie pulls her knickers down and f***s her senseless.
When he's finished he turns to Elton and says " go on.....your turn" but Elton starts crying.

"What's wrong?" asks Robbie................Elton says " me head wont fit in the railings".

[VampUK]

Hahahaha nice one.

[bri365]

What's got eight legs and makes women scream.















A gang rape.

[mazooma]

> >> Three nuns were talking. The first nun said, "I was cleaning the
> >> Father's room the other day and do you know what I found?
> >> A bunch of pornographic magazines."
> >>
> >> "What did you do?" the other nuns asked.
> >>
> >> "Well, of course, I threw them into the trash."
> >>
> >> The second nun said, "Well, I can top that I was in Father's
> >> room putting away laundry and I found a bunch of condoms."
> >>
> >> "Oh, my," gasped the other nuns. "What did you do?"
> >>
> >> "I poked holes in all of them."
> >>
> >> The third nun said, "Oh, shit."

[hitthesix]

A Nebraska farmer got in his pickup and drove to a neighboring farm and knocked at the farmhouse door. A young boy, about nine, opened the door.
"Is yer Pa home"? the farmer asked.
"No sir, he ain't." the boy replied. "He went into town."
"Well," said the farmer, "Is yer Ma here"?
"No, sir, she ain't here neither. She went into town with Pa."
"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here"?
"He went with Ma and Pa."
The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other and mumbling to himself.
"Is there anything I can do fer ya"? the boy asked politely "I knows where all the tools are if you want to borra one. Or maybe, I could take a message fer Pa."
"Well," said the farmer uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to yer Pa. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter, Pearly Mae, pregnant."
The boy considered for a moment. "You would have to talk to Pa about that," he finally conceded. "If it helps you any, I know that Pa charges $50 for the bull and $25 for the hog,








but I really don't know how much he gets for Howard."

[bri365]

Irish fellow thought Hertz Van Rental was the new Dutch striker signed by Arsenal.

Heard about the new Viagra eyedrops. You don't get an erection but boy do you look hard.

What's the definition of complete trust. Two cannibals having a 69.

Met a prostitute on the way to work last night, she said "thirty quid to sleep with me". I replied "I'm not rellay tired but I could do with the money".

If your wife comes out of the kitchen to moan at you whilst you're watching the football, what have you done wrong??? you've made her chain too long for a start.

How many men does it take to open a beer????????????????none it should be open when the bitch brings it too you.

How many men does it take to screw in a lightbulb. None, because the lightbulb just wants to be your friend and isn't ready for a relationship.

[PJ]

How many gay guys does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Only two, but it needs to be a big bulb for them both to fit inside...

[hitthesix]

Massage Parlour
A man visits a massage parlour and sees a sign on the wall that reads:
'Ham sandwiches £2.50. $&%# £30.00.
"Are you the young lady who does the $&%#s?" he asks a woman lounging against the wall in her bra and panties. The young lady wriggled a bit, pouted and pulled down her bra to show her cleavage: "Oh yes, Sir, she replied breathlessly.














''Right," said the man, "Give your hands a wash and get me a ham sandwich."

[mrmystery83]

An old woman goes to the doctors and says she'd like some viagra for her husband. The doctor says "Well we've got 3 different strengths: Weak, Medium or Strong". The woman says "Oh just give me the weak one i just want him to stop pi**ing on his shoes"!

An 86 year old man goes to confession, sits in the box and says "I have something i really have to tell you father". The priest says "What is it my son?". The old man replies "Well i have this 21 year old girlfriend. She has the most amazing body and we make love 5 times a day". The priest says "Why did you feel you had to tell me that?". The old man says "I'M TELLING EVERYONE!"

A husband and wife are in their car in the middle of nowhere and the husband has the map out. "Admit it" the wife says "We're lost". The husband shouts back "NO WE'RE NOT LOST I JUST DON'T KNOW WHERE WE ARE!!"

Fred: Your not going to believe this John but last night i opened the door in my pyjamas.
John: I didn't know you had a door in your pyjamas!

Every night me and my dog go for a tramp in the woods. We enjoy it but the tramps getting a bit fed up!

There was a knock at the door last night. It was a bloke collecting for the local swimming pool. So i gave him a glass of water!

Alan: How do you manage to make so many mistakes in one day Bill?
Bill: I get up early!

Some great books i've read:

The Wind Blew It Away - Lydia Dustbin
Escape Of The Killer Bull - Gay Topen
Why To Buy Insurance - Justin Case
Why To Get A Babysitter - Justin Casey Howells
The Most Embarressing Moment Of My Life - Lucy Lastic
Get Rich Quick - Robin Banks
I Fell Off A Cliff - Eileen Dover