2120 replies to this topic

[dtrmad2004]

A lad walks in to his parent's bedroom to find his dad giving his mum one. He stares, horrified.

The dad laughs, throws a pillow at the lad and tells him to get out.

Hours later the dad hears a commotion coming from the lad's bedroom. He enters the bedroom to find the lad giving his Nan one.

The dad looks horrified.

'Not so funny when it's your mum is it?' says the lad

Andy

[hitthesix]

A panda walks into a delicatessan. He
orders a sandwhich and begins to eat

quietly. When the waiter gave him his

check, the panda suddenly stood up and

pulled out a gun, shot out all the

windows, then began to leave the deli, the

manager said "Hey! You have to pay for

all the damage you did AND the

sandwhich!" Then the panda said "Hey!

I'm a panda! Look it up!" So when the

manager got home, he did. The dictionary

said "Panda: a bear-like creature with

black and white markings on its face.




Lives in China. Eats shoots and leaves."

[mrmystery83]

A bloke goes into a pub with a monkey on his shoulder. The landlord warns him the Monkey better behave itself. The bloke orders a pint when all of a sudden the monkey goes mad. It jumps on the bar and stats throwing crisps everywhere. Then it jumps on the pool table and eats the cue ball. The landlord shouts "RIGHT. GET OUT AND TAKE THAT THING WITH YA!". So the bloke leaves. The next week he's back with his monkey. The landlord says "I thought i told you i didn't want to see you round 'ere again mate". The bloke says "Look mate i'm sorry about last week. I promise he'll behave and sit quiet".

Then the monkey jumps onto the bar, reaches into a womans drink and pulls out the cherry floating in it. It sticks it up it's a**e then eats it. The landlord says "Now what is it bloody doing?". The bloke says "Well after the unfortunate incident with the cue ball last week he likes to test things before he eats them!"

[dtrmad2004]

Man walks into the bedroom with a sheep under his arm while his wife is lying in
bed reading.

Man says: "This is the pig I have sex with when you've got a headache."

Wife replies: "I think you'll find that is a sheep."

Man replies: "I think you'll find I was talking to the sheep"

Andy

[Pgamblin]

My Turn.

This first one is a bit crude so i apologise if your offended.

"
Little johnny walks into his parents bedroom and sees his did giving his mum one. His das just laughs, throws a pillow at him and shouts "GET OUT" A little while later Johnny's dad hears a commotion coming from Johnny's Room. He rushes in and is horrified to see Johnny shagging his gran - Johnny just looks at him and says "Not so f*****g funny when its your mum is it?"
"

And now for the Chelsea jokes

Jose Mourinho has said he is so upset he wants to go back to portugal and never be seen of or heard of again - The Mcanns have offered to help.

Bit low that last one... sorry !

[mrmystery83]

What does a man with a 2 foot c**k have for breakfast?
.
.
.
.
This morning i had cornflakes lol

[todd1970]

Bear walks into a pub..walks up to the bar and says.."Can I have a pint of........"

.................................................................
.................................................................
.................................................................
.................................................................

Lager please...The barman says...why the long pause..

[mrgspot]

Fresh 9inch dick covered in hot mustard sauce........

Peirced young nipples dipped in boiling hot toffee......

Soft virgin clits grilled on mape soaked skewers.....

This is not just food.....

This is S&M food.

[mrmystery83]

I was down the cemetary the other day and saw these 4 grave diggers carrying a coffin. They'd been going round for over an hour. I said "Oi. What's up with you lot". One of them said "We've well and truely lost the plot mate!" lol

ps my mate didn't get that when i told him but i'm not explaining it again

[todd1970]

Paul Daniels was performing on stage when he asked a member of the audience to join him so he could show them an illusion.

Lovely young blonde bird gets up on the stage..he bends her over and starts doing the biz on her.

She goes."Hey..this is no illusion.." and he goes "Aye..i know..but its fookin magic"

[ady]

A man is driving happily along when he is pulled over by the police.

The copper approaches him and politely asks, "Have you been drinking, sir?"

"Why?" asks the man. "Is there a fat bird in my car?"

[kriss]

hehe

[PJ]

1681 - The Dodo died;

1997 - Di died and Dodi died;

1999 - Dando died;


...Dido must be shitting herself!

[PJ]

What time is Britain under Gordon Brown's administration?


Half-par state...

[todd1970]

A woman was in a coma. She had been in it for months.

Nurses were in her room giving her a sponge bath.

One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a
slight response on the monitor when she touched her. They tried it
again and sure enough there was sizable movement.

They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, "As
crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and
bring her out of the coma."

The husband was sceptical, but they assured him that they'd close the
curtains for privacy. The husband finally agreed and went into his
wife's room. After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no
pulse, no heart rate.
The nurses run back into the room.

"What happened!?" they cried.

The husband said, "I'm not sure....maybe she choked?

[stevedude2]

Jewish kid goes up to his Dad -

'Daddy, can I have 50 pence please?'

Dad replies - '40 pence? What do you need 30 pence for? I haven't even got 20 pence...tell you what, here's 10 pence...share it with your sister...'

[tara10825]

A little guy is sat at the bar,when all of a sudden a thug smacks him in the face and says"thats KUNG FU from japan". A bit later the thug smacks him again and says"Thats KARATE from korea",The little guy gets up and leaves the bar. A short while later he comes back and smacks the thug knocking him out cold and says to the barman "when that twat wakes up tell him that was a SHOVEL from B&Q...."

[nails]

A gypsy dad sends his son to school for the first time. when his boy returns from school, he asks his what he did on his first day. the son explains he did maths today and after they had a test and he got top of the class. The father replied "that coz your a gypsy my son, thats the gypsy in ya".

the next day the son returns and is asked again about his day, the son explains that he had english lessons and in a test the followed he got top of the class. The father replied "that coz your a gypsy my son, thats the gypsy in ya".

On the 3rd day, the son returned home and his father again asked him about his day. the son said "we had P.E. today, but the boys kept looking at me in the shower, is that because im a gypsy?"

"No son" said the father, "Thats becasue you are 34".

[Pgamblin]

Meanwhile in essex A young girl approaches her monther ironing and asks her mum -
"Mum your hands are really soft - is that because you use fairy like the advert says"
the mum replies "No its because i'm only 16"