2120 replies to this topic

[mrmystery83]

There was a knock at the door last night. It was a tramp, he said he hadn't had a bite for weeks....... so i bit him!

How did Bob Marley like his donuts?
Wi Jammin, Jammin and i hope you like Jam in too......

A woman walks into a pet shop and asks the owner if he had anything unusual in stock at the moment. "Well it's funny you should say that madam" the bloke says "i've just had this delivered this week. It's a very rare Karate Parrott". "What does it do?" the woman says. So the owner opens the cage and shouts "KARATE CHOP...... COUNTER". The Parrott swoops down and chops the counter clean in half. Then he pulls out a block of concrete from under the counter and shouts "KARATE CHOP.... CONCRETE". The Parrott swoops down and chops the block clean in two. The woman says "I'll take it". She takes it home and her husband says "What's this rubbish your buying now woman?". She says "It's not rubbish ACTUALLY it's a very rare karate Parrott. It's can Karate chop anything in two". The husband laughs and says "What? Yeah whatever. Karate Chop my a**e............."

[DaemonX]

When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it
out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on
someone you don't know.

I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I had forgotten to
make. I found the number and dialled it. A man answered, saying, "Hello". I
politely said, "This is Fred Hanifin. Could I please speak with Robin
Carter?" Suddenly, the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn't believe that
anyone could be so rude.

I tracked down Robin's correct number and called her. I had transposed the
last two digits of her phone number.

After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again. When
the same guy answered the phone, I yelled, "You're an asshole!" and hung up.
I wrote his number down with the word 'asshole' next to it, and put it in my
desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really
bad day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're an asshole!" It always cheered me
up.

When Caller ID came to our area, I thought my therapeutic 'asshole' calling
would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, "Hi, this is John
Smith from the Telephone Company. I'm just calling to see if you're familiar
with the Caller ID program?" He yelled, "NO!" and slammed the phone down. I
quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an asshole!"

One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot.

Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently
waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I had been waiting for the spot.
The idiot ignored me.

I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his! car window - so, I wrote down his

number. A couple of days later, right after calling the first asshole, (I
had his number on speed dial), I thought I had better call the BMW asshole,
too.

I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?"

"Yes, it is."

"Can you tell me where I can see it?"

"Yes. I live at 1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house, and the car's
parked right out in front."

"What's your name?" I asked.

"My name is Don Hansen," he said.

"When's a good time to catch you, Don?"

"I'm home every evening after five."

"Listen, Don, can I tell you something?"

"Yes?"

"Don, you're an asshole."

Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too. Now, when I had
a problem, I had two assholes to call. But after several months of calling
them, it wasn't as enjoyable as it used to be.

So, I came up with an idea. I called Asshole #1.

"Hello."

"You're an asshole!" (But I didn't hang up).

"Are you still there?" he asked.

"Yeah," I said.

"Stop calling me," he screamed.

"Make me," I said.

"Who are you?" he asked.

"My name is Don Hansen."

"Yeah? Where do you live?"

"Asshole, I live at 1802 West 34th Street, a yellow house, with my black
Beemer parked in front."

He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying
your prayers."

I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, asshole."

Then I called Asshole #2.

"Hello?" he said.

"Hello, asshole," I said.

He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are?"

"You'll what?" I said.

"I'll kick your ass," he exclaimed.

I answered, "Well, asshole, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now."

Then I hung up and immediately called the police,saying that I lived at 1802
West 34th Street, and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover.
Then I called Channel 13 News about the gang war going down on West 34th
Street.

I quickly got into my car and headed over to 34th Street.

There I saw two assholes beating the crap out of each other in front of six
squad cars, a police helicopter, and news crew.

NOW, I feel better.

[PJ]

f***in' LOL!

[RUFUSTFIREFLY]

Q - What's 40 foot long and stinks of piss ???


A - The conga at the old folks home.

[PJ]

Next door neighbour was watching a little lad patting down a freshly filled hole in the garden with a shovel...


"What are you up to, then?", asked the neighbour;

"Burying my goldfish", he said miserably;

"Aw, that's a shame - but that's quite a big hole you dug for just a goldfish";


Lad looks angrily up at the neighbour, his face grubby with tears, and retorts:-

"That's 'cos he's inside your f***in' CAT!"...

[PJ]

I got propositioned by a blonde hooker this evening - she said she'd do anything I wanted for fifty bucks...


...she's painting my house right now - f***in' bargain!...

[todd1970]

Guy come back from the shops with loads of packets of different flavoured condoms..Strawberry..Orange...Lemon etc..

Goes to the girlfriend..lets play a game..ill put one and you have to guess what flavour it is..

So..he blindfolds her..she goes down on him..comes back up and says "I know..Cheese and Onion"

Guy goes "FFS gimme a chance to put one on"

[Gazeyre1966]

Irishman walks into a bar and orders three pints of Guinness. He sits them down and proceeds to take a sip out of each glass in turn. Once he's finished the three pints he goes up to the bar and orders another three pints.

The barman says "Listen mate....Guinness goes flat very quickly. You'd be better ordering a pint at a time".The man says "I used to come here with my two brothers who are now abroad and I miss them terribly...I order three pints to remember them by...for old times sake".

The barman thinks this is a nice gesture and is quite happy.

For a few weeks this man always drinks 3 pint of Guinness, but one day he comes in and only orders two pints.

The barman gives him some time to himeself and then walks up to him and with tears in his eyes he says "I'm sorry you have lost one of your brothers...What happened?"

The Irishman says "Nothing......I've given up drinking!!!"

[todd1970]

Bin collection day..dizzy blonde invites all the binmen in to s**g her rotten..the last guys turn..the blonde hands him £20..dissapointed that hes not gonna get any..he goes to her..ermm whats this for ?

She goes my husband said to me this morning..when the binmen come give them thier Xmas tip..but just give the driver £20 f**k the rest of them.

[cashbox1]

sorry this is a long one, but its piss your pants funny and best if you read it out loud !

Rindercella and her sugly isters lived in a marge lansion. Rindercella worked very hard - frubbing scloors, emptying poss pits, and shivelling shot. At the end of the day she was nucking fackered. The sugly isters were right bugly astards. One was called Mary Hinge, and the other was called Betty Swollocks. They were really forrible huckers, and had fetty sweet and fetty swannies.

The sugly isters had tickets to go to the ball, but the cotton runts wouldn't let Rindercella go. Suddenly there was a bucking fang and her gairy fodmother appeared. Her name was Shairy Hithole, and she was a light lucking fesbian. She turned a pumpkin and six mite whice into a hucking cuge farriage with six dandy ronkeys who had buge hollocks and dig bicks.

The gairy fodmother told Rindercella to be back by dimnight otherwise there would be a cucking falamity. At the ball Rindercella was dancing with the prandsome hince when suddenly the clock struck twelve. "Miste all chucking frighty!" said Rindercella, and she ran out tripping barse over ollocks, so dropping her slass glipper.

Next day the prandsome hince knocked on Rindercella's door and the sugly isters let him in. Suddenly Betty Swollocks lifted her leg and let off a fig bart. "Who's fust jarted?" asked the prandsome hince. "Blame that fugly ucker over there" said Mary Hinge. When the stinking brown cloud had lifted, the prandsome hince tried the slass glipper on both the sugly isters without success. Their feet stucking funk.

Betty Swollocks was ducking fisgusted and gave the prandsome hince a nack in the kickers. This was not difficult as he had bucking fuge halls and a hig bard on. He tried the slass glipper on Rindercella and it fitted pucking ferfectly. Rindercella and the prandsome hince were married. The hince lived his life in lucking fuxury, and Rindercella lived hers with a follen swanny.

And they all lived happily ever after.

[PJ]

Good one!


Have you heard about the gay Human Cannonball at the Circus?

Every night, he shoots over the Ringmaster's back...

[cashbox1]

two vicars from neighbouring parishes met up for breakfast in town,during the course of their feed, one said to his colleague, "do you know father","a most terrible thing happened to me this week","someone stole my bicycle!".
"oh dear",said the second priest,"what you need to do,is preach a sermon about the ten commandments and when you get to "thou shalt not steal", hopefully the thief will have a pang of conscience and return it".
the first priest agreed this was a good idea and promised to try it out at the next sunday service.
The two vicars met up the following week and the second priest who had offered advice was delighted to be told the bicycle was back where it should be.
"did you do what i said father and preach about the ten commandments?"

"Oh yes I did,but when i got to Thou shalt not commit adultery,I remembered where i`d left it !!"

[fruitman69]

I been thinking....

I think the life cycle is all backwards

You should start out dead and get it out of the way.
Then, you wake up in an old age home feeling better every day.
You get kicked out for being too healthy, go collect your pension, then
when you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day.
You work 40 years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement.
You drink alcohol, you party, you're generally promiscuous and you get ready for High School.
You go to primary school, you become a kid , you play, you have no responsibilities

Then you become a baby, and then...
You spend your last 9 months floating peacefully in luxury, in spa-like conditions; central heating, room service on tap, larger quarters every day and then

You finish off as an orgasm.


I rest my case. lol

[todd1970]

Put like that it makes perfect sense.

But...what would happen if it was one of them nights your Dad was sitting at the PC late at night.

Could end up as a stain on a sock.

[hitthesix]

i was on a business trip and was a bit lonely so I thought I'd get me one of those
girls you see advertised in phone booths when you're calling for a cab. I grabbed a card on my way in. It was an ad for a girl calling herself Erogenous, a lovely girl, bending over in the photo. She had all the right curves in all the right places, beautiful long wavy hair, and long graceful legs all the way up to her ass. You know the kind.

So I'm in my room and figure, what the hell, I'll give her a call. "Hello?" the woman says. God, she sounded sexy. "Hi, I hear you give a great massage and I'd like you to come to my room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now. I'm talking kinky the whole night long. You name it, we'll do it. Bring all your implements, toys, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night; Tie me up, wear a strap on, cover me in chocolate syrup and whip cream, anything you want baby. Now, how does that sound?"
















She says, "That sounds fantastic, but for an outside line you need to press 9."

[hitthesix]

A young man moved into a new apartment of his own and went to the
Lobby to put his name on his mailbox. While there, an attractive young
Lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes, wearing a robe.
The boy smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with
Him.

As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she Had
Nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye
Contact. After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said,
"Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming." He followed her into
Her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her
Robe to fall off completely. Now nude, she purred at him, "What would
You say is my best feature?"

Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, "It's got to be your
Ears."
Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, "My ears? Look at these
Breasts; they are full and 100% natural. I work out every day and my
Butt is firm and solid. Look at my skin - no blemishes anywhere. How
Can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?"






Clearing his throat, he stammered ... "Outside, when you said you
Heard someone coming.... That was me."

[bri365]

Modern Nursery Rhyme...

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall, Humpty Dumpty had a great fall,
The wall was unsafe, he broke his neck,
But he got 4 grand from Claims Direct..

[cashbox1]

Little Johnny likes to gamble.

One day his dad gets a new job so his family has to move to a new city.

Johnny's daddy thinks, "I'll get a head start on Johnny's gambling."

So he calls the teacher and says, "My son Johnny will be starting your class tomorrow but he likes to gamble so you'll have to keep an eye on him."

The teacher says OK, she can handle it.

The next day Johnny walks into class and hands the teacher an apple and says, "Hi, my name is Johnny."

She says yes I know who you are.

Johnny smiles and says, "I bet you ten dollars you've got a mole on your butt."

The teacher thinks that she will break his little gambling problem so she takes him up on the bet.

She pulls her pants down and shows him her butt and there was no mole.

That afternoon, Johnny goes home and tells his dad that he lost ten dollars to the teacher and why.

So his dad calls the teacher and says, "Johnny said that he bet you that you had a mole on your butt and he lost."

The teacher says, "Yeah, and I think I broke his gambling problem."

Johnny's dad laughs and says, "No you didn't, he bet me a hundred dollars this morning that he'd see your ass before the day was over."

[mazooma]

Jan 1
-----

Q. How did the blonde break her leg by drinking milk?

A. The cow fell on her.

[baz]

WHY MEN ARE NEVER DEPRESSED:


Men Are Just Happier People--

Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack.
You can never be pregnant.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal.
You never have to drive to another petrol station restroom because this one is just too icky.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood all the time.

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks and engines. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.


Your underwear is £8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
Everything on your face stays its original colour.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You only have to shave your face and neck.

You can play with toys all your life.
One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one colour for all seasons.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache.

You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

No wonder men are happier.

Send this to the women who can handle it and to the men who will enjoy reading it

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