Jan 27
------
What's grey, has four legs and a trunk ?
A mouse on vacation.
2120 replies to this topic
#341
mazooma
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I'm not dead yet
Posted 27 January 2008 - 02:52 PM
Where you came from, is gone.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
#342
PJ
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Condom Testing Department
Posted 28 January 2008 - 08:02 AM
What happened to the pig who got sacked from his job as magician's assistant?
He became both dis-grunt-led and dis-illusioned...
He became both dis-grunt-led and dis-illusioned...
Winning is not a crime...
NEITHER IS SWEARING!!!
NEITHER IS SWEARING!!!
#343
mazooma
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I'm not dead yet
Posted 28 January 2008 - 07:45 PM
28 Jan
------
Sign on broken printer:
Out of order.
Yes we've called the repair man.
No, we don't know how long it will take to fix.
Yes, we're keeping it.
No, we don't know what you are going to do now.
------
Sign on broken printer:
Out of order.
Yes we've called the repair man.
No, we don't know how long it will take to fix.
Yes, we're keeping it.
No, we don't know what you are going to do now.
Where you came from, is gone.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
#344
mazooma
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I'm not dead yet
Posted 29 January 2008 - 06:23 PM
Jan 29
------
A man goes to the doctor with a lettuce leaf sticking out of his ear.
"Hmmm, that's strange," says the doctor.
The man replies, "Oh, that's just the tip of the iceberg!"
------
A man goes to the doctor with a lettuce leaf sticking out of his ear.
"Hmmm, that's strange," says the doctor.
The man replies, "Oh, that's just the tip of the iceberg!"
Where you came from, is gone.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
#345
todd1970
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The furniture
Posted 30 January 2008 - 01:47 PM
Scotsman goes into a brothel in Amsterdam one night and finds himself a prostitute. He asks her, "How much do ye charrrge fur an hour?" "£100," she replies. So he asks, "Okay, dae ye do Scottish style?" She says "No!" He then asks her, "I'll pay you £200 to do it Scottish style?" She then says "No", not knowing what Scottish style was! So he then offers her £300. Again she declines his offer. So finally he says, "I'll give ye £500 tae go Scottish style with me!"
Finally she agrees thinking, "Well, I've been in the game for over 10 years now, I've been there and done that, had every kind of request from weirdo's from every corner of the world. How bad could Scottish style be?"
So she goes ahead and has sex with him, doing it in every kind of way and in every possible position. Finally, after several intense hours......... they finish.
Exhausted, the hooker turns to him and says, "That was fantastic!! I've never enjoyed it so much!! But I was expecting something perverted and disgusting!! Where does the 'Scottish style' come in?"
The Scotsman replies... "I'll pay ye next week!"
Finally she agrees thinking, "Well, I've been in the game for over 10 years now, I've been there and done that, had every kind of request from weirdo's from every corner of the world. How bad could Scottish style be?"
So she goes ahead and has sex with him, doing it in every kind of way and in every possible position. Finally, after several intense hours......... they finish.
Exhausted, the hooker turns to him and says, "That was fantastic!! I've never enjoyed it so much!! But I was expecting something perverted and disgusting!! Where does the 'Scottish style' come in?"
The Scotsman replies... "I'll pay ye next week!"
Mmmmmm...Sandy ive 'ad her ye know. 
#346
baz
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Busy ...
Posted 30 January 2008 - 03:08 PM
A young newly wed couple wanted to join a church. The reverend told them,We have special requirements for new parishioners.
You must abstain from sex for one whole month.
The couple agreed and after two-and-a-half weeks returned to the Church.
When the Pastor ushers them into his office, the wife is crying and the
husband obviously very depressed.
You are back so soon. Is there a problem?' the Reverend inquired.
We are terribly ashamed to admit that we did not manage to abstain from sex for the required month.' the young man replied sadly.
The Reverend asked him what happened. 'Well, the first week was difficult.
However, we managed to abstain through sheer willpower.
The second week was terrible, but with the use of prayer, we managed to
abstain.
However, the third week was unbearable. We tried cold showers, prayer,
reading from the Bible anything to keep our minds off carnal thoughts.
One afternoon, my wife went to get something out of the freezer. When she bent over I was overcome with lust and had my way with her right then and there, admitted the man, shamefacedly.
You understand this means you will not be welcome in our church, stated
the Reverend.
We know, said the young man, hanging his head.'We're not welcome at Tesco's either.
---------------------------
You must abstain from sex for one whole month.
The couple agreed and after two-and-a-half weeks returned to the Church.
When the Pastor ushers them into his office, the wife is crying and the
husband obviously very depressed.
You are back so soon. Is there a problem?' the Reverend inquired.
We are terribly ashamed to admit that we did not manage to abstain from sex for the required month.' the young man replied sadly.
The Reverend asked him what happened. 'Well, the first week was difficult.
However, we managed to abstain through sheer willpower.
The second week was terrible, but with the use of prayer, we managed to
abstain.
However, the third week was unbearable. We tried cold showers, prayer,
reading from the Bible anything to keep our minds off carnal thoughts.
One afternoon, my wife went to get something out of the freezer. When she bent over I was overcome with lust and had my way with her right then and there, admitted the man, shamefacedly.
You understand this means you will not be welcome in our church, stated
the Reverend.
We know, said the young man, hanging his head.'We're not welcome at Tesco's either.
---------------------------
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#347
mazooma
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I'm not dead yet
Posted 30 January 2008 - 05:51 PM
Jan 30
------
How did Pinocchio find out he was made of wood?
His hand caught fire.
------
How did Pinocchio find out he was made of wood?
His hand caught fire.
Where you came from, is gone.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
#348
mazooma
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I'm not dead yet
Posted 31 January 2008 - 07:33 PM
Jan 31
------
Sign seen in a British laundromat:
Automatic washing machines.
Please remove all your clothes when the light goes out.
------
Sign seen in a British laundromat:
Automatic washing machines.
Please remove all your clothes when the light goes out.
Where you came from, is gone.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
#349
todd1970
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The furniture
Posted 31 January 2008 - 07:39 PM
Jan 31
------
Sign seen in a British laundromat:
Automatic washing machines.
Please remove all your clothes when the light goes out.
Well done Mazooma..thats your 1st month over with.
only another 11 months to go 
Mmmmmm...Sandy ive 'ad her ye know.
#350
mazooma
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I'm not dead yet
Posted 01 February 2008 - 07:34 PM
Feb 1
-----
A father decided it was time his daughter had her first savings account. He took her to the bank, and said "Here honey. It's your account, so you can fill out the form."
The girl filled out her name and address, then came to the square marked "Previous bank." She thought carefully, then wrote, "Piggy."
-----
A father decided it was time his daughter had her first savings account. He took her to the bank, and said "Here honey. It's your account, so you can fill out the form."
The girl filled out her name and address, then came to the square marked "Previous bank." She thought carefully, then wrote, "Piggy."
Where you came from, is gone.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
#351
mazooma
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I'm not dead yet
Posted 01 February 2008 - 07:36 PM
Feb 1 -bonus-
--------------
LITTLE Mark ON MATH
A teacher asks her class, 'If there are 5 birds sitting on a
fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?' She calls on
little MARK.
He replies, 'None , they will all fly away with the first
gunshot.'
The teacher replies, 'The correct answer is 4, but I like your
thinking.'
Then little MARK says, 'I have a question for YOU.
There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream:
One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice
cream.
The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone.
The third is biting off the top of the ice cream.
Which one is married?'
The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, 'Well, I suppose
the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone.'
To which Little MARK replied, 'The correct answer is 'the one
with the Wedding ring on,' but I like your thinking.'
LITTLE MARK ON MATH (Part 2)
Little MARK returns from school and says he got an F in
arithmetic
'Why?' asks the father?
'The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3,'' I said '6', replies MARK.
'But that's right!' says his dad.
'Yeah, but then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?''
'What's the f*****g difference?' asks the father
'That's what I said!'
LITTLE MARK ON ENGLISH
Little MARK goes to school, and the teacher says, 'Today we are
going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example
of a multi-syllable word?'
MARK says 'Mas-tur-bate.'
Miss Rogers smiles and says, 'Wow, little MARK, that's a
mouthful.'
Little MARK says, 'No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a
blowjob.'
LITTLE MARK ON GRAMMAR
Little MARK was sitting in class one day. All of a sudden, he
needed to go to the bathroom. He yelled out, 'Miss Jones, I need to take
a piss!!'
The teacher replied, 'Now, MARK, that is NOT the proper word to
use in this situation. The correct word you want to use is 'urinate.'
Please use the word 'ur-I-nate' in a sentence correctly, and I
will allow You to go.'
Little MARK, thinks for a bit, and then says, 'You're an eight,
but if you had bigger tits, you'd be a TEN!'
LITTLE MARK ON GRAMMAR (Part 2)
One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for
a show of hands from those who could use the word 'beautiful' in the
same sentence twice.
First, she called! On little Suzie, who responded with, 'My
father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in
it.'
'Very good, Suzie,' replied the teacher. She then called on
little Michael.
' My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out
beautifully.'
She said, 'Excellent, Michael!' Then the teacher reluctantly
called on little MARK.
'Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father she
was Pregnant, and he said 'Beautiful, just f*****g beautiful!''
LITTLE MARK ON GETTING OLDER
Little MARK was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy
bar after another.
After the 6th one, a man on the bench across from him said,
'Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will
give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat.'
Little MARK replied, 'My grandfather lived to be 107 years old.'
The man asked, 'Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a
time?'
Little MARK answered, 'No, he minded his own f*****g business.
--------------
LITTLE Mark ON MATH
A teacher asks her class, 'If there are 5 birds sitting on a
fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?' She calls on
little MARK.
He replies, 'None , they will all fly away with the first
gunshot.'
The teacher replies, 'The correct answer is 4, but I like your
thinking.'
Then little MARK says, 'I have a question for YOU.
There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream:
One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice
cream.
The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone.
The third is biting off the top of the ice cream.
Which one is married?'
The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, 'Well, I suppose
the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone.'
To which Little MARK replied, 'The correct answer is 'the one
with the Wedding ring on,' but I like your thinking.'
LITTLE MARK ON MATH (Part 2)
Little MARK returns from school and says he got an F in
arithmetic
'Why?' asks the father?
'The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3,'' I said '6', replies MARK.
'But that's right!' says his dad.
'Yeah, but then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?''
'What's the f*****g difference?' asks the father
'That's what I said!'
LITTLE MARK ON ENGLISH
Little MARK goes to school, and the teacher says, 'Today we are
going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example
of a multi-syllable word?'
MARK says 'Mas-tur-bate.'
Miss Rogers smiles and says, 'Wow, little MARK, that's a
mouthful.'
Little MARK says, 'No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a
blowjob.'
LITTLE MARK ON GRAMMAR
Little MARK was sitting in class one day. All of a sudden, he
needed to go to the bathroom. He yelled out, 'Miss Jones, I need to take
a piss!!'
The teacher replied, 'Now, MARK, that is NOT the proper word to
use in this situation. The correct word you want to use is 'urinate.'
Please use the word 'ur-I-nate' in a sentence correctly, and I
will allow You to go.'
Little MARK, thinks for a bit, and then says, 'You're an eight,
but if you had bigger tits, you'd be a TEN!'
LITTLE MARK ON GRAMMAR (Part 2)
One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for
a show of hands from those who could use the word 'beautiful' in the
same sentence twice.
First, she called! On little Suzie, who responded with, 'My
father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in
it.'
'Very good, Suzie,' replied the teacher. She then called on
little Michael.
' My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out
beautifully.'
She said, 'Excellent, Michael!' Then the teacher reluctantly
called on little MARK.
'Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father she
was Pregnant, and he said 'Beautiful, just f*****g beautiful!''
LITTLE MARK ON GETTING OLDER
Little MARK was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy
bar after another.
After the 6th one, a man on the bench across from him said,
'Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will
give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat.'
Little MARK replied, 'My grandfather lived to be 107 years old.'
The man asked, 'Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a
time?'
Little MARK answered, 'No, he minded his own f*****g business.
Where you came from, is gone.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
#352
mazooma
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I'm not dead yet
Posted 02 February 2008 - 10:09 AM
Feb 2
-----
What do you call a deer with no eyes?
No idea.
-----
What do you call a deer with no eyes?
No idea.
Where you came from, is gone.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
#353
mazooma
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- 915 posts
I'm not dead yet
Posted 03 February 2008 - 08:47 AM
Feb 3
-----
What do you call a deer with no legs and no eyes?
Still no idea.
O God help me.
-----
What do you call a deer with no legs and no eyes?
Still no idea.
O God help me.
Where you came from, is gone.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
#354
mazooma
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- Regulars
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- 915 posts
I'm not dead yet
Posted 04 February 2008 - 08:48 PM
Feb 4
-----
A worker walked up to her boss and complained, "This paycheck is $200 short!"
"That's to make up for the $200 I overpaid you last time," replied the boss. "You didn't complian then."
"Well," retorted the worker, "an occasional mistake is OK, but if it keeps happening, I have to say something!"
-----
A worker walked up to her boss and complained, "This paycheck is $200 short!"
"That's to make up for the $200 I overpaid you last time," replied the boss. "You didn't complian then."
"Well," retorted the worker, "an occasional mistake is OK, but if it keeps happening, I have to say something!"
Where you came from, is gone.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
#355
mazooma
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- 915 posts
I'm not dead yet
Posted 05 February 2008 - 07:11 PM
Feb 5
-----
On a child's Superman costume :
Wearing this garment does not enable you to fly.
-----
On a child's Superman costume :
Wearing this garment does not enable you to fly.
Where you came from, is gone.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
#356
todd1970
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- Regulars
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The furniture
Posted 05 February 2008 - 10:37 PM
Cant really remember this one word for word but ill do my best.
Wee boy and his Dad were in the chemist and the lad points to a pack of condoms and says..Dad why do they come in a 3 pack ?
Dad says well son..when your a young man and your going to the pub with your pals..and ye get lucky theres one for Friday night..one for Saturday night and one for Sunday night.
Ahhhh.. i see...what about the 12 pack then..what are they for ?
Well son they are for when your married..one for January..one for February..
Wee boy and his Dad were in the chemist and the lad points to a pack of condoms and says..Dad why do they come in a 3 pack ?
Dad says well son..when your a young man and your going to the pub with your pals..and ye get lucky theres one for Friday night..one for Saturday night and one for Sunday night.
Ahhhh.. i see...what about the 12 pack then..what are they for ?
Well son they are for when your married..one for January..one for February..
Mmmmmm...Sandy ive 'ad her ye know.
#357
skegman0
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Newbie
Posted 05 February 2008 - 11:12 PM
hear i sit, having a shit, it wont come, but i wont quit, tonnes of gas, i must have farted ,until my arse cheeks, finally parted.
#358
mazooma
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I'm not dead yet
Posted 06 February 2008 - 07:22 PM
Feb 6 - Happy birthday to my loving fiancee (thats not the joke)
-------------------------------------------------------------
In a job interview, the manager explains, "We really need someone responsible in this role."
"Oh you can count on me!" replies the applicant. "Whenever someting went wrong at my last job, I was always responsible."
-------------------------------------------------------------
In a job interview, the manager explains, "We really need someone responsible in this role."
"Oh you can count on me!" replies the applicant. "Whenever someting went wrong at my last job, I was always responsible."
Where you came from, is gone.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
#359
mazooma
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- Regulars
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- 915 posts
I'm not dead yet
Posted 07 February 2008 - 06:44 PM
Feb 7
-----
A baby girl looks at the baby next to her in the maternity ward. "Are you a boy or a girl?"
"I'm a boy," the other replies.
"How can you tell?"
He kicks off his blanket, pulls up his smock, and points down. "Look - blue booties!"
-----
A baby girl looks at the baby next to her in the maternity ward. "Are you a boy or a girl?"
"I'm a boy," the other replies.
"How can you tell?"
He kicks off his blanket, pulls up his smock, and points down. "Look - blue booties!"
Where you came from, is gone.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
#360
PJ
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Condom Testing Department
Posted 07 February 2008 - 11:00 PM
The boy replies:- "never mind that, how come we're f***in' talking???"...A baby girl looks at the baby next to her in the maternity ward. "Are you a boy or a girl?"...
Winning is not a crime...
NEITHER IS SWEARING!!!
NEITHER IS SWEARING!!!
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