2120 replies to this topic

[PJ]

...why did the chicken cross the road.... (do I need to finish this)...

To avoid the chicken-shager of course...

[RB]

On a transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning. One woman in particular loses it. Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane. "I'm too young to die," she wails. Then she yells, "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable!
Is there anyone on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?"
For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril. They all stare. Eyes riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane.
Then a cowboy named Jack from Carmichael Saskatchewan stands up in the rear of the plane. He is handsome: well built, with dark brown hair and blue eyes.
He starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt. One button at a time.
No one moves.
He removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across his chest.
She gasps...
He whispers...."Iron this -- and then get me a beer."

[stevedude2]

A fat bloke goes to the doctors because he's dangerously overweight. The doctor examines him and says 'Yes....I think I can see what the problem is. It's your feet. Your feet are making you fat.'

'How come?' the tubby gent replies.

'Well Sir....you can't keep them out of the cake-shop'.




A bloke goes into a sex shop and says, 'I'd like to buy a sex-doll please'. The assistant says,'Certainly sir. we have two types, standard which costs £50, and Muslim which costs £120'
'What's so special about the Muslim one?' says the bloke.
'It blows itself up', comes the reply.

[ady]

Then Daddy says, "Swimming pool??? .....Is this 555-7039??"

Thats an old one

To some...I haven't heard it and it made me laugh, I have heard some of the others though as have some other people.

The idea of this thread isn't to give heard that or not it's a bit of fun...Let's have no Have/Haven'ts and the end of each post --- Just enjoy what you haven't heard......And as theres so many heards in my post.....

There were these two cows, chatting over the fence between their fields. The first cow said, "I tell you, this mad-cow-disease is really pretty scary. They say it is spreading fast; I heard it hit some cows down on the Johnson Farm." The other cow replies, "Hell, I ain't worried, it don't affect us ducks."

Now that is old

[PJ]

And will someone PLEASE clue me up on that biscuit joke earlier?... 8O 8O 8O

[unclechicken]

The biscuit joke earlier was just a nonsense thing my mates at school made up.

Theres absolutely no punchline to it whatsoever. Thats the whole joke.

Its just totally stupid, just like this next one as well....

A man goes into a shop and asks "Have you any sliced bread here?"

The shopkeeper says "No, sorry sir!"

Man replies "Its ok, ive got my bike outside!"

See what I mean, at my school we didnt have much to do, so we made up crap, pointless jokes like the biscuit one and this one about bread.

Another crap joke is this one....

Q) Whats E.T. short for????
A) Cos hes got small legs!

lol

[PJ]

...Theres absolutely no punchline to it whatsoever. Thats the whole joke...

You mean like:-

Q - What's the difference between a duck?
A - Both its legs are the same... ?

[unclechicken]

Yep exactly like that lol.

Its like.....

Two ducks walking down the street

One says "Where do you live?"

Other one says "F**k me, a talking duck!"

There just totally stupid

Like this one too......

Q) Whats red and invisible?
A) No Tomatoes!

[unclechicken]

Nelson Mandela is sat at home watching TV.

Theres a knock on the door. "Excuse me sir, would you sign for these car doors?". Nelson always the happy chap he is signs for the parts, and takes them inside.

3 days later, knock at the door. "Excuse me sir, can you sign for these 4 car batteries and 8 wing mirrors?". Nelson, a bit confused, signs for the car parts and starts to think.

2 days after this, another knock on the door, "Excuse me sir, can you sign for these 4 engines, 32 hubcaps and this airbag?". Nelson now a bit suspicious asks the man for the Invoice.

You daft b*****d, Nelson says, it says "Nissan Main Dealer"

lol

[stevie300online]

Bloke comes home from work one day and says to his wife;

"Tomorrow, you me and the dog are going fishing"

"But I don't want to go fishing" replies the wife

"Well tomorrow, you me and the dog are going fishing " insisits the husband

"But I don't want to go fishing" replies the wife again

"OK, if you don't want to go fishing, either give me a blowjob or let me f**k you up the ass" says her husband

The wife thinks about this for a few minutes and although she doesn't want to do either, she also doesn't want to go fishing. "Very well" she replies, "I'll give you a blowjob then"

Within seconds of starting the deed she exclaims "Oh god that's disgusting, your dick tastes of shit"

"Yeah I know" replies her husband with a simle, "the dog didn't want to go fishing either"


Now that's a joke!!

[RB]

A skinny little white guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE African American guy standing next to him. The big guys sees the little guy staring at him, looks down and says:
"7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 14 inch penis, 1 pound left testicle, 1 pound right testicle,...Turner Brown."

The small man faints dead away and falls to the floor. The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him. The big fellow says, "What's wrong with you?" In a weak voice the little guys says, "What EXACTLY did you say to me?"

The big dude says, "I saw the curious look and figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me. I'm 7 feet tall, I weight 350 pounds, I have a 14 inch penis, my left testicle weighs 1 pounds, my right testicle weighs 1 pounds and my name is Turner Brown."

The small guy says, "Turner Brown?
Thank God! I thought you said "Turn around."

[PJ]

Nothing quite like a racially offensive 'joke' to kill a thread, eh, stevedude2?... :roll:


Let's see if I can revive it with the best joke I've read in flippin' years...


It has recently come to the attention of the Yorkshire police that local ravers are using a new method for taking Ecstasy, which involves injecting the drug directly into the mouth by means of a dental syringe, and therefore more quickly into the bloodstream.

This new method has been named 'E-by-gum'...

[ady]

A totally smashed drunk was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter. A cop pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in, pal. You're obviously drunk."

The guy asked, "Officer, are ya absolutely sure I'm drunk?"

"Yeah, mate, I'm sure," said the copper. "Let's go."

Breathing a sigh of relief, the wino said, "Thank goodness, I thought I was crippled."

[stevedude2]

Yeah, sorry PJ...

Anyway, here's one for ya...

What's red and invisible?












No tomatoes

[uya]

I've got this feeling of de' ja vu, and bread and cheese aint no pizza!

[RB]

The creation of a Pussy

Seven wise men with knowledge so fine,
created a pussy to their own design.
First was a butcher, smart with wit,
using a knive, he gave it a slit.
Second was a carpenter, strong and bold,
with a hammer and chisel, he gave it a hole.
Third was a tailor, tall and thin,
by using red velvet, he lined it within.
Fourth was a hunter, short and stout,
with a piece of fox fur, he lined it without.
Fith was a fisherman, nasty as hell,
threw in a fish and gave it a smell.
Sixth was a preacher whose name was McGee,
Touched it and blessed it and said it could pee.
Last came a sailor, dirty little runt,
he sucked it and f***ed it and called it a c***. :oops: :oops:

[todd1970]

There are 2 cows standing in a field...how do you know which one is on holiday...?

The one with the wee calf

[Gazeyre1966]

After the Tsunami disaster in Asia, God sent Osama Bin Laden a text message.

"Top that, you arab c**t".

[PJ]

I heard that Osama was planning to start a cookery programme on Al-Jazeera - well, the exact words were that he would show his whole country how to make a Big Apple crumble...