Feb 23 - Oohh nearly forgot
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St. Peter is checking the records of a new arrival and can't find anything worthy to get him into heaven.
"What about when I saved that guy from some bikers by kicking over their bikes?" the man asked
"When was that?" asked St. Peter.
"About ten minutes ago..."
2120 replies to this topic
#381
mazooma
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I'm not dead yet
Posted 23 February 2008 - 09:12 PM
Where you came from, is gone.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
#382
mazooma
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I'm not dead yet
Posted 24 February 2008 - 07:21 PM
Feb 24 - Beer bring pain.
-----------------------
Sign in a Paris hotel lift:
Please leave your values at the front desk.
-----------------------
Sign in a Paris hotel lift:
Please leave your values at the front desk.
Where you came from, is gone.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
#383
mazooma
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I'm not dead yet
Posted 25 February 2008 - 07:31 PM
Feb 25
------
Medical terms:
Tablet: A small table.
Dilate: To live for a long time.
------
Medical terms:
Tablet: A small table.
Dilate: To live for a long time.
Where you came from, is gone.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
#384
mazooma
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I'm not dead yet
Posted 26 February 2008 - 07:18 PM
26 Feb
------
Sign in the window of a shoe store:
Sale! Buy one, get one free!
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Sign in the window of a shoe store:
Sale! Buy one, get one free!
Where you came from, is gone.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
#385
ady
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The furniture
Posted 26 February 2008 - 09:51 PM
Q) What has lots of little balls and screws old ladies?
A) A bingo machine!
A) A bingo machine!
#386
dtrmad2004
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Total
Posted 27 February 2008 - 12:21 AM
this is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years.
the only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke. the noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air.
every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick.. he told her he couldn't.stop it and that it was perfectly natural. she told him to see a doctor, she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out.
the years went by and he continued to rip them out. then one thanksgiving morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts and a malicious thought came to her.
she took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling the bed covers back, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts
some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic foot steps as he ran into the bath room. the wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes! after years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pre tt y good..
about twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face. she bit her lip as she asked him what was the matt er.
he said, 'honey you were right.' 'all these years you have warned me and i didn't listen to you'.
'what do you mean?' asked his wife.
'well, you always told me that one day i would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened.'
but by the grace of god, some vaseline and two fingers. i think i got most of them back in.'
the only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke. the noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air.
every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick.. he told her he couldn't.stop it and that it was perfectly natural. she told him to see a doctor, she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out.
the years went by and he continued to rip them out. then one thanksgiving morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts and a malicious thought came to her.
she took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling the bed covers back, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts
some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic foot steps as he ran into the bath room. the wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes! after years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pre tt y good..
about twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face. she bit her lip as she asked him what was the matt er.
he said, 'honey you were right.' 'all these years you have warned me and i didn't listen to you'.
'what do you mean?' asked his wife.
'well, you always told me that one day i would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened.'
but by the grace of god, some vaseline and two fingers. i think i got most of them back in.'
<a class='bbc_url' href='<a class='bbc_url' href='http://profile.mygam...trmad2004'></a>
</a><br /><br />Don't gamble with the Recession!
</a><br /><br />Don't gamble with the Recession!
#388
cashbox1
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The furniture
Posted 27 February 2008 - 06:34 AM
2 gravestones side by side in a cemetery
1st one says
"here lies my wife with her legs together for the first time in her life"
2nd says "here lies my husband, stiff at last"!
1st one says
"here lies my wife with her legs together for the first time in her life"
2nd says "here lies my husband, stiff at last"!
Einstein`s theory of FME 90 downloads = 3 thanks
#389
bri365
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Master Joker
Posted 27 February 2008 - 12:53 PM
OI knobhead why is it you posted at 4.10 that you wanted your account closed yet at 4.13 you posted this shite. Keep off the waccy baccy dickhead.bouncing makes me hungry
Come here to post jokes, oh and to play the occasional frutie.
#390
mazooma
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I'm not dead yet
Posted 27 February 2008 - 07:07 PM
Feb 27
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Ne words:
Inoculatte : To take coffee intravenously when you're running late.
Frust: The small line of dirt you can never quite pick up with a dustpan and brush.
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Ne words:
Inoculatte : To take coffee intravenously when you're running late.
Frust: The small line of dirt you can never quite pick up with a dustpan and brush.
Where you came from, is gone.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
#391
polomint
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Junior Member
Posted 28 February 2008 - 05:20 AM
Wow mazooma, well done so far...
I've only just joined this forum, and have spent the last couple of hours reading all the jokes in this thread, lol
Ill be watching to see if you can keep up the 1 joke per day.
I've only just joined this forum, and have spent the last couple of hours reading all the jokes in this thread, lol
Ill be watching to see if you can keep up the 1 joke per day.
#392
mazooma
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- 915 posts
I'm not dead yet
Posted 28 February 2008 - 05:22 PM
Feb 28
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Warning: Excess consumption of alcohol may leave inexplicable rug burns on you forehead.
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Warning: Excess consumption of alcohol may leave inexplicable rug burns on you forehead.
Where you came from, is gone.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
#393
mazooma
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- Regulars
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- 915 posts
I'm not dead yet
Posted 29 February 2008 - 08:07 PM
Feb 29 - Oh God, an extra day.
------------------------------
A husband asked his wife if she believed in free love.
She replied, "Have I ever sent you a bill?"
------------------------------
A husband asked his wife if she believed in free love.
She replied, "Have I ever sent you a bill?"
Where you came from, is gone.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
#394
todd1970
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- Regulars
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The furniture
Posted 29 February 2008 - 08:19 PM
Feb 29 - Oh God, an extra day.
------------------------------
A husband asked his wife if she believed in free love.
She replied, "Have I ever sent you a bill?"
Congrats mazooma
2 months down 10 to go.
Mmmmmm...Sandy ive 'ad her ye know. 
#395
mazooma
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I'm not dead yet
Posted 01 March 2008 - 01:28 PM
March 1
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Dentist: That's the biggest cavity I've ever seen, I've ever seen.
Patient: Well, you don't have to repeat it!
Dentist: I didn't, that was the echo.
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Dentist: That's the biggest cavity I've ever seen, I've ever seen.
Patient: Well, you don't have to repeat it!
Dentist: I didn't, that was the echo.
Where you came from, is gone.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
#396
mazooma
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- Regulars
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- 915 posts
I'm not dead yet
Posted 02 March 2008 - 12:06 PM
March 2
-------
An armadillo goes into a bar and askes the barman, " Have you seen my brother?"
The barman replies,"What does he look like?"
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An armadillo goes into a bar and askes the barman, " Have you seen my brother?"
The barman replies,"What does he look like?"
Where you came from, is gone.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
#397
bri365
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Master Joker
Posted 02 March 2008 - 03:17 PM
My wife said "inside me there is a thin woman trying to get out".
I replied "well you shouldn't have ate her then bitch".
She tried on her new jeans and asked "do these make my bum look big".
"no" i replied "it's the cakes and pies you eat that make your arse big".
I replied "well you shouldn't have ate her then bitch".
She tried on her new jeans and asked "do these make my bum look big".
"no" i replied "it's the cakes and pies you eat that make your arse big".
Come here to post jokes, oh and to play the occasional frutie.
#398
mazooma
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I'm not dead yet
Posted 03 March 2008 - 07:07 PM
March 3
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Children's book titles you will never see:
You're Different, and That's Bad
Some Kittens Can Fly!
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Children's book titles you will never see:
You're Different, and That's Bad
Some Kittens Can Fly!
Where you came from, is gone.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
#399
mazooma
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- Regulars
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- 915 posts
I'm not dead yet
Posted 04 March 2008 - 06:25 PM
March 4
-------
Old mathematictians never die; they just lose some of their fuctions.
-------
Old mathematictians never die; they just lose some of their fuctions.
Where you came from, is gone.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
#400
mazooma
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- Regulars
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- 915 posts
I'm not dead yet
Posted 05 March 2008 - 06:29 PM
Maech 5
--------
The captain of a plane advises the passengers, "Weather at our destination is warm with some broken clouds. We'll try to have them fixed for you by the time we get there."
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The captain of a plane advises the passengers, "Weather at our destination is warm with some broken clouds. We'll try to have them fixed for you by the time we get there."
Where you came from, is gone.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
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