March 6
-------
A woman walks into a bank. After standing in a queue for 20 minutes, it's finally her turn to be served.
She asks the teller, "Can the staff at this bank count?"
Confused, the teller replies "Of course!"
"Then why are there eight windows here and only two tellers?"
2120 replies to this topic
#401
mazooma
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I'm not dead yet
Posted 06 March 2008 - 05:53 PM
Where you came from, is gone.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
#402
mazooma
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I'm not dead yet
Posted 07 March 2008 - 05:38 PM
March 7 - This joke is much funnier than today's proper joke
---------------------------------------------------------
A Woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods.
She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.
The frog said to her, 'If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes.'
The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, 'Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes.
Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!'
The woman said, 'That's okay.'
For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.
The frog warned her, 'You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to'.
The woman replied, 'That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful Woman and he will have eyes only for me.'
So, KAZAM-she's the most beautiful Woman in the world!
For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.
The frog said, 'That will make your husband the richest man in the world. And he will be ten times richer than you.'
The woman said, 'That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine.' So, KAZAM-she's the richest woman in the world!
The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, 'I'd like a mild heart attack.'
Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them. Attention female readers : This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here
and continue feeling good.
Male readers :
Please scroll down.
..
...
...
...
....
...
...
...
...
The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife.
Moral of the story: Women are really dumb but think they're really smart.
Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show.
PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to show that women never listen...now run along and put the kettle on, there's a love.
---------------------------------------------------------
A Woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods.
She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.
The frog said to her, 'If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes.'
The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, 'Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes.
Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!'
The woman said, 'That's okay.'
For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.
The frog warned her, 'You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to'.
The woman replied, 'That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful Woman and he will have eyes only for me.'
So, KAZAM-she's the most beautiful Woman in the world!
For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.
The frog said, 'That will make your husband the richest man in the world. And he will be ten times richer than you.'
The woman said, 'That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine.' So, KAZAM-she's the richest woman in the world!
The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, 'I'd like a mild heart attack.'
Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them. Attention female readers : This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here
and continue feeling good.
Male readers :
Please scroll down.
..
...
...
...
....
...
...
...
...
The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife.
Moral of the story: Women are really dumb but think they're really smart.
Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show.
PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to show that women never listen...now run along and put the kettle on, there's a love.
Where you came from, is gone.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
#403
mazooma
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I'm not dead yet
Posted 08 March 2008 - 06:05 PM
March 8
--------
The doctor examines his patient and says, "I'm sorry, but you haven't got much time left."
"Oh no!" replies the man. "How long do I have?"
"Ten", says the doctor.
"Ten? Ten what? Years, months.... weeks???"
"....nine, eight, seven...."
--------
The doctor examines his patient and says, "I'm sorry, but you haven't got much time left."
"Oh no!" replies the man. "How long do I have?"
"Ten", says the doctor.
"Ten? Ten what? Years, months.... weeks???"
"....nine, eight, seven...."
Where you came from, is gone.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
#404
mazooma
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I'm not dead yet
Posted 09 March 2008 - 05:40 PM
March 9
-------
Explanations from insurance claims:
I was thrown from my car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows.
I knocked over a man. He admitted it was his fault as he'd been knocked over before.
-------
Explanations from insurance claims:
I was thrown from my car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows.
I knocked over a man. He admitted it was his fault as he'd been knocked over before.
Where you came from, is gone.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
#405
mazooma
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I'm not dead yet
Posted 10 March 2008 - 06:36 PM
March 10
--------
A psychiatrist visited a patient and found him pretending to saw wood. Another man was hanging from the ceiling by his feet.
The psychiatrist asked what was going on. "I'm sawing wood. That guy thinks he's a light bulb," replies the patient.
"We should get him down before he hurts himself!" said the psychiatrist.
"What, and work in the dark??"
--------
A psychiatrist visited a patient and found him pretending to saw wood. Another man was hanging from the ceiling by his feet.
The psychiatrist asked what was going on. "I'm sawing wood. That guy thinks he's a light bulb," replies the patient.
"We should get him down before he hurts himself!" said the psychiatrist.
"What, and work in the dark??"
Where you came from, is gone.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
#406
mazooma
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I'm not dead yet
Posted 11 March 2008 - 07:21 PM
March 11
---------
A mugger accosts a well-dressed man and demands his money.
The well-to-do man indignantly replies, "You can't do this - I'm a congressman!"
"In that case," says the mugger , "give me my money!"
---------
A mugger accosts a well-dressed man and demands his money.
The well-to-do man indignantly replies, "You can't do this - I'm a congressman!"
"In that case," says the mugger , "give me my money!"
Where you came from, is gone.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
#407
stu55554
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Qualified IT Technition
Posted 11 March 2008 - 10:37 PM
a **** runs into the doctors n says i cant stop running
the doctor examins him and then puts some white powder on the table n says sniff this
is it coke says the ****
no its persil replies the doctor it stops colours from running.
the doctor examins him and then puts some white powder on the table n says sniff this
is it coke says the ****
no its persil replies the doctor it stops colours from running.
toddy likes to change signatures as he has nothing better to do..
#408
mazooma
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I'm not dead yet
Posted 12 March 2008 - 07:26 PM
March 12 - Tabs will kill you - probably
-------------------------------------
Jill was ecstatic about being promoted to Vice President.
She talked about it constantly.
Eventually, her sister said, "Jill, it's not such a big deal! They even have a Vice President of carrots at the supermarket."
Disbelieving, Jill rang the supermarket and asked to speak to the Vice President of carrots
"Tinned or frozen?" the clerk replied.
-------------------------------------
Jill was ecstatic about being promoted to Vice President.
She talked about it constantly.
Eventually, her sister said, "Jill, it's not such a big deal! They even have a Vice President of carrots at the supermarket."
Disbelieving, Jill rang the supermarket and asked to speak to the Vice President of carrots
"Tinned or frozen?" the clerk replied.
Where you came from, is gone.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
#409
Pgamblin
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Old but still not as old as Ady
Posted 12 March 2008 - 08:48 PM
An armed man in a mask storms into a building that has a big sign saying bank on it.
He approaches a woman at the counter and points the gun at her shouting "Give me all the money"
The woman who is very scared - very calmy tells him that this is a sperm bank and that they dont hold any money.
At this point the armed man points to a big white storage with a safe like lock behind the woman and asks whats in the secure storage, Sperm she replies -
The armed man then demands that she take some of the sperm out of the storage and drink it or he will kill her - so the woman takes a sample out - peels off the lid and then swallows it all down.
Shortly after this the Armed man removes the mask and to the womans shock it turns out to be her boyfriend.
He quicky says - There you go - that wasnt so bad was it ???
.......................
He approaches a woman at the counter and points the gun at her shouting "Give me all the money"
The woman who is very scared - very calmy tells him that this is a sperm bank and that they dont hold any money.
At this point the armed man points to a big white storage with a safe like lock behind the woman and asks whats in the secure storage, Sperm she replies -
The armed man then demands that she take some of the sperm out of the storage and drink it or he will kill her - so the woman takes a sample out - peels off the lid and then swallows it all down.
Shortly after this the Armed man removes the mask and to the womans shock it turns out to be her boyfriend.
He quicky says - There you go - that wasnt so bad was it ???
.......................
#410
todd1970
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The furniture
Posted 12 March 2008 - 08:50 PM
Pmslllll lovin it PG...so veryyyyy true unfortunatley. 
Mmmmmm...Sandy ive 'ad her ye know. 
#411
mazooma
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I'm not dead yet
Posted 13 March 2008 - 08:13 PM
March 13
---------
Customer : Waiter there's a frog in my soup!
Waiter: Sorry, sir, the fly is on vacation.
---------
Customer : Waiter there's a frog in my soup!
Waiter: Sorry, sir, the fly is on vacation.
Where you came from, is gone.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
#412
mazooma
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- 915 posts
I'm not dead yet
Posted 14 March 2008 - 08:23 PM
March 14
---------
A piece of string walks into a bar and asks for a drink. The bartender replies, "Sorry, we don't serve string."
The string goes out, ties himself up, ruffles his top and goes back in. The bartender says, "Aren't you the string that was here before?"
The string replies, "No, I'm a frayed knot."
---------
A piece of string walks into a bar and asks for a drink. The bartender replies, "Sorry, we don't serve string."
The string goes out, ties himself up, ruffles his top and goes back in. The bartender says, "Aren't you the string that was here before?"
The string replies, "No, I'm a frayed knot."
Where you came from, is gone.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
#413
baz
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Busy ...
Posted 15 March 2008 - 12:03 AM
Girl: "Forgive me father for I have sinned."
Priest: "What have you done my child?"
Girl: "I called a man a son of a bit*h."
Priest: "Why did you call him a son of a bit*h?"
Girl: "Because he touched my hand."
Priest: "Like this?" (as he touches her hand)
Girl: "Yes father."
Priest: "That's no reason to call a man a son of a bit*h."
Girl: "Then he touched my breast."
Priest: "Like this?" (as he touched her breast)
Girl: "Yes father."
Priest: "That's no reason to call him a son of a bit*h."
Girl: "Then he took off my clothes, father."
Priest: "Like this?" (as he takes off her clothes)
Girl: "Yes father."
Priest: "That's no reason to call him a son of a bit*h."
Girl: "Then he stuck his you know what into my you know where."
Priest: "Like this?" (as he stuck his you know what into her you know where)
Girl: "YES FATHER, YES FATHER, YES FATHER!!!"
Priest: (after a few minutes): "That's no reason to call him a son of a bit*h."
Girl: "But father he had AIDS!"
Priest: "THAT SON OF A BIT*H!!!"
------------------------------------------------------------
How To Shower Like a Woman
--------------------------
--------------------------
Take off clothes and place them sectioned in laundry basket.
Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown.
If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do
more sit-ups/leg-lifts, etc.
Get in the shower.
Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and
pumice stone.
Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.
Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean Condition your hair with
grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced.
Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until
red.
Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash. (
I am currently trying to find where I can purchase this) Rinse conditioner off hair.
Shave armpits and legs.
Turn off shower.
Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.
Spray mould spots with Tile cleaner.
Get out of shower.
Dry with towel the size of a small country.
Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.
Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.
If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
How To Shower Like a Man
------------------------
------------------------
Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them
In a pile.
Walk naked to the bathroom.
If you see wife along the way, shake willy at her making the
'woo-woo' sound.
Look at your manly physique in the mirror.
Admire the size of your willy and scratch your bum.
Get in the shower.
Wash your face.
Wash your armpits.
Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse it off.
Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.
Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.
Wash your bum, leaving those coarse bum hairs stuck on the soap.
Wash your hair.
Make a Shampoo Mohawk.
Wee.
Rinse off and get out of shower.
Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of bath
the whole time.
Admire willy size in mirror again.
Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on.
Return to bedroom with towel around waist. If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake Willy at her and make the woo-woo'sound again.
Throw wet towel on bed.
Priest: "What have you done my child?"
Girl: "I called a man a son of a bit*h."
Priest: "Why did you call him a son of a bit*h?"
Girl: "Because he touched my hand."
Priest: "Like this?" (as he touches her hand)
Girl: "Yes father."
Priest: "That's no reason to call a man a son of a bit*h."
Girl: "Then he touched my breast."
Priest: "Like this?" (as he touched her breast)
Girl: "Yes father."
Priest: "That's no reason to call him a son of a bit*h."
Girl: "Then he took off my clothes, father."
Priest: "Like this?" (as he takes off her clothes)
Girl: "Yes father."
Priest: "That's no reason to call him a son of a bit*h."
Girl: "Then he stuck his you know what into my you know where."
Priest: "Like this?" (as he stuck his you know what into her you know where)
Girl: "YES FATHER, YES FATHER, YES FATHER!!!"
Priest: (after a few minutes): "That's no reason to call him a son of a bit*h."
Girl: "But father he had AIDS!"
Priest: "THAT SON OF A BIT*H!!!"
------------------------------------------------------------
How To Shower Like a Woman
--------------------------
--------------------------
Take off clothes and place them sectioned in laundry basket.
Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown.
If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do
more sit-ups/leg-lifts, etc.
Get in the shower.
Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and
pumice stone.
Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.
Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean Condition your hair with
grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced.
Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until
red.
Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash. (
I am currently trying to find where I can purchase this) Rinse conditioner off hair.
Shave armpits and legs.
Turn off shower.
Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.
Spray mould spots with Tile cleaner.
Get out of shower.
Dry with towel the size of a small country.
Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.
Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.
If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
How To Shower Like a Man
------------------------
------------------------
Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them
In a pile.
Walk naked to the bathroom.
If you see wife along the way, shake willy at her making the
'woo-woo' sound.
Look at your manly physique in the mirror.
Admire the size of your willy and scratch your bum.
Get in the shower.
Wash your face.
Wash your armpits.
Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse it off.
Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.
Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.
Wash your bum, leaving those coarse bum hairs stuck on the soap.
Wash your hair.
Make a Shampoo Mohawk.
Wee.
Rinse off and get out of shower.
Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of bath
the whole time.
Admire willy size in mirror again.
Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on.
Return to bedroom with towel around waist. If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake Willy at her and make the woo-woo'sound again.
Throw wet towel on bed.
#414
mazooma
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- 915 posts
I'm not dead yet
Posted 15 March 2008 - 08:18 PM
March 15 - I had to scan this one
--------------------------------
--------------------------------
Attached Files
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lastscan.jpg 103.8KB
52 downloads
Where you came from, is gone.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
#415
mazooma
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- Regulars
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- 915 posts
I'm not dead yet
Posted 16 March 2008 - 12:19 PM
March 16
---------
Son : Dad, I don't know if I should marry my girlfriend or not.
Father: Son, either way the result will be the same. You will regret it for the rest of your life.
---------
Son : Dad, I don't know if I should marry my girlfriend or not.
Father: Son, either way the result will be the same. You will regret it for the rest of your life.
Where you came from, is gone.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
#416
Dr DX
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- Layout Creator
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- 1836 posts
Daddy To A Little Angel
Posted 17 March 2008 - 07:18 PM
Two old Englishmen and two old Irishmen enter a bar, where they see a sign that reads: "Old Timer's Bar - All Drinks 50p!" When the bartender spots them he calls out, "Come on in and let me pour you chaps a drink! What'll it be?" The four men each ask for a martini, the bartender serves them up and says: "Thats 50p each, please." They pay for their drinks, down them and they order another round of drinks, . Again, four excellent Martinis are produced for just 50p each. The old men pay up but their curiosity is too much and one of the Irishmen asks, "How can you afford to serve Martinis as good as these for just 50p each?" "Here's my story," the barman says. "I'm a retired tailor from London, and I always wanted to own a bar. last year I hit the lottery for £15 Million and decided to open this place. I charge just 50p for every drink - whine, whisky, beer and even cocktails. Guys like you are coming from all over, It's great" "Wow! I'm amazed. That's really quite a story," says one of the Englishmen. The four of them continue drinking and can't help but notice three other blokes at the end of the bar who don't have a drink between them. In fact, they haven't orderd anything the whole time they've been there. The Englishmen asks the landlord, "Whats the matter with those miserable sods?" The bartender says, "They're pensioners from Scotland. They're waiting for happy hour".
Women are #@#@#@#s....
#417
mazooma
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I'm not dead yet
Posted 17 March 2008 - 07:25 PM
March 17 - Guinness day
------------------------
Three high school students were arguing about when life begins.
"It begins at conception," said one
"No," argued the second, "it begins at birth."
"You're both wrong," said the third.
"It begins when your parents go away for the weekend and leave you to look after the house."
------------------------
Three high school students were arguing about when life begins.
"It begins at conception," said one
"No," argued the second, "it begins at birth."
"You're both wrong," said the third.
"It begins when your parents go away for the weekend and leave you to look after the house."
Where you came from, is gone.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
#418
mazooma
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- Regulars
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- 915 posts
I'm not dead yet
Posted 18 March 2008 - 07:52 PM
March 18
---------
An Engishman, an Irishman and a Welshman walk into a bar.
The barman looks at them and says,
"Is this some kind of joke?"
---------
An Engishman, an Irishman and a Welshman walk into a bar.
The barman looks at them and says,
"Is this some kind of joke?"
Where you came from, is gone.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
#419
mazooma
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- Regulars
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- 915 posts
I'm not dead yet
Posted 19 March 2008 - 06:33 PM
March 19
---------
Seen on a bumper sticker:
This is it. I don't have another car
Forget world peace. Visualize using your turn signal.
---------
Seen on a bumper sticker:
This is it. I don't have another car
Forget world peace. Visualize using your turn signal.
Where you came from, is gone.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
#420
mazooma
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- Regulars
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- 915 posts
I'm not dead yet
Posted 20 March 2008 - 07:22 PM
Mach 20 - Holy Thursday Batman
--------------------------------
A mom was helping her son log onto the Disney website. "What's your password?" she asked.
"MickeyMinnieDonaldDaisy," the boy replied."
"Why is it so long?" his surprised mom asked.
"They said it had to be at least four characters!"
--------------------------------
A mom was helping her son log onto the Disney website. "What's your password?" she asked.
"MickeyMinnieDonaldDaisy," the boy replied."
"Why is it so long?" his surprised mom asked.
"They said it had to be at least four characters!"
Where you came from, is gone.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
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