2120 replies to this topic

[mazooma]

March 21 - Good Friday - It wasnt so good for Jesus, someone nailed him to a tree.
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Seen on a bumper sticker:

Always be sincere. Even if you don't mean it.

Dyslexics of the world, untie!

[mazooma]

March 22
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A turtle in the woods laboriously climbed a tree.

After hours of struggling, he reached the first branch, then leaped off, waving his legs furiously, and crashed to the ground.

He lay still for a moment, then dragged himself up and began to climb once more.

Higher up the tree, a female bird turned to her mate.
"Roger," she said, "I think we have to tell our son he's adopted."

[mazooma]

March 23 - Jesus came back to life. Fancy that.
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Another explanation from an insurance claim:

I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment.

[mazooma]

March 24
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Whay shouldn't you marry a tennis player?

Because love means nothing to them.

[mazooma]

March 25
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A stray cat died and went to heaven.
It had been sleeping in cold alleys and constantly hungry, so God felt sorry for it and gave it a cushion to sleep on.
Next some mice arrived. They said their feet were sore from always running away, so God gave thenm roller skates. Later God saw that the cat had woken up. "This cushion is great!" the cat said. "And the meals on wheels are even better."

[stu55554]

Never Fall Asleep

In Church (Rated PG) One day Mr Jones went to have a talk with the minister at his church. "Reverend," he said, "I have a problem. My wife keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It's very embarrassing. What should I do?" "I have an idea," said the minister. "Take this pin with you. I'll be able to tell when she's sleeping, and I will motion to you at specific times. When I motion, you give her a good poke in the leg with the pin." In church the following Sunday, Mrs. Jones dozed off. Noticing this, the preacher put his plan to work. "...And who made the ultimate sacrifice for you?" he said, nodding to Mr. Jones. "Jesus!" cried Mrs. Jones as her husband jabbed her in the leg with the pin. "Yes, you are right, Mrs. Jones," said the minister. Soon, Mrs. Jones nodded off again. Again, the minister noticed her dozing. "Who is your redeemer?" he asked the congregation, motioning towards Mr. Jones. "God!" cried out Mrs. Jones as she was stuck again with the pin once again. "Right again, Mrs. Jones," said the minister, smiling and continuing his sermon. Before long, Mrs. Jones dozed off again. However, this time the minister didn't notice. As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a few motions that Mr. Jones mistook as signals to wake his wife again. He was just sticking his wife with the pin again when the minister asked, "...And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore him his 99th son?" Mrs. Jones shrieked, "You stick that damned thing in me one more time and I'll break it off and shove it up your ass!

[stu55554]

Doing the Dishes

A guy is in the market for a used motorcycle. He always wanted a big Harley. He shops around, answering ads in the newspaper, and is not having much luck. One day he comes across a beautiful classic Harley with a for sale" sign on it. Upon inspection, he is amazed to find the bike in mint condition. He inquires about it with the owner. "This bike is beautiful! I'll take it. But you gotta tell me how you keep it in such good shape. "Well," says the seller, "it's pretty simple. Just make sure that if the bike is outside and it's going to rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain. In fact, since you're buying the bike I won't need my tube of Vaseline anymore. Here, you can have it." and he hands the buyer a tube of Vaseline. The guy buys the bike and off he goes, a happy biker. He takes the bike over to show his girlfriend. She's ecstatic (being a Harley fan). That night, he decides to ride the bike over to his girlfriend's parents' house. It's the first time he's going to meet them and figures it will make a big impression. When the couple gets to the house, the girlfriend grabs her boyfriend's arm. "Honey," she says, "I gotta tell you something about my parents before we go in. When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes." "No problem," he says. And in they go. The boyfriend is astounded. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes. In the family room, another huge stack of dishes. Piled up the stairs, dirty dishes. In fact, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes. They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word. As dinner progresses, the boyfriend decides to take advantage of the situation. So he leans over and kisses his girlfriend. No one says a word. So he decides to reach over and fondle her breasts. He looks at her parents, but still they keep quiet. So he stands up, grabs his girlfriend, strips her naked, and they make love right on the dinner table. Still, no one says a word. "Her Mom's kinda cute", he thinks. So he grabs his girlfriend's Mom and has his way with her right there on the dinner table. Again, total silence. Then, a few raindrops hit the window and the boyfriend realizes it's starting to rain. He figures he'd better take care of the motorcycle, so he pulls the Vaseline from his pocket. Suddenly the father stands up and shouts: "All right, all right! I'll do the damn dishes.

[stu55554]

mommy . . . What is Courting?

One day little Johnny came home from school and asked his mom about curting. Flustered, she replied, "Tonight go watch your sister when she comes home with her boyfriend. That's courting." The next day, Johnny tells his mother what happened. "Well, Sis and her boyfriend came home last night and sat on the couch. They started kissing and stuff and I think sis was getting sick because she kept making faces. Her boyfriend must have thought so to, because he started feeling for her heartbeat like the doc. He wasn't as good as the Dr. though, he missed an awful lot. That's when the fever started. I know it was a fever because sis said she was really hot. Then her boyfriend ripped off her blouse and bra, and I saw why he couldn't get to her heart, there were these big bumps on her chest! He then ripps off her skirt and undies and she has grown a lot of hair there, she should clean it more often. I guess her boyfriend thought so to because he started sucking there, licking and using his fingers. Then sis yelled out to God and unzipped her boyfriend's pants. This big snake jumped out and sis started to try and bite it's head off. She stopped trying and then it squirted all over the couch. Then sis took off his pants and sat on the snake, I think they were trying to squish it. Sis started to bounce up and down on it. She said it was nearly as big as Daddy's! Suddenly, she stopped and said she wasn't on anything, but her boyfriend said it was too late. They had both cum. So, did I explain it right?" His mom fainted.

[stu55554]

Voodoo Dick

Voodoo Dick There was this businessman who was getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort, so he thought he'd try to get her something to keep her occupied while he was gone, because he didn't much like the idea of her screwing someone else. So he went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around. He thought about a life-sized sex doll, but that was too close to another man for him. He was browsing through the dildos, looking for something special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter. He explained his situation. The old man said, "Well, I don't really know of anything that will do the trick. We have vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on, but I don't know of anything that will keep her occupied for weeks, except -- " and he stopped. "Except what?" the man asked. "Nothing,nothing." "C'mon, tell me! I need something!" "Well, sir, I don't usually mention this, but there is the 'voodoodick.'" "So what's up with this voodoo dick?" he asked. The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out an old wooden box, carved with strange symbols. He opened it, and there lay a very ordinary-looking dildo. The businessman laughed, and said "Big f*****g deal. It looks like every other dildo in this shop!" The old man replied, "But you haven't seen what it'll do yet." He pointed to a door and said "Voodoo dick, the door." The voodoo dick rose out of its box, darted over to the door, and started screwing the keyhole. The whole door shook with the vibrations, and a crack developed down the middle. Before the door could split, the old man said "Voodoo dick, get back in your box!" The voodoo dick stopped, floated back to the box and lay there quiescent once more. "I'll take it!" said the businessman. The old man resisted, saying it wasn't for sale, but he finally surrendered to £700 in cash. The guy took it home to his wife, told her it was a special dildo and that to use it, all she had to do was say "Voodoo dick, my pussy." He left for his trip satisfied that things would be fine while he was gone. After he'd been gone a few days, the wife was unbearably horny. She thought of several people who would willingly satisfy her, but then she remembered the voodoo dick. She got it out, and said "Voodoo dick, my pussy!" The voodoo dick shot to her crotch and started pumping. It was great, like nothing she'd ever experienced before.After three orgasms, she decided she'd had enough, and tried to pull it out, but it was stuck in her, still thrusting. She tried and tried to get it out, but nothing worked. Her husband had forgot to tell her how to shut it off. So she decided to go to the hospital to see if they could help. She put her clothes on, got in the car and started to drive to the hospital, quivering with every thrust of the dildo. On the way, another orgasm nearly made her swerve off the road, and she was pulled over by a policeman. He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink. Gasping and twitching, she explained that she hadn't been drinking, but that a voodoo dick was stuck in her pussy, and wouldn't stop screwing. The officer looked at her for a second, and then said "Yea, right... Voodoo dick, my ass!"

[mazooma]

March 26
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Statements to avoid when you've been pulled over:


Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't turned on.


Officer, could you please hold my beer while I look for my licence?

[mazooma]

March 27
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My grandpa was lucky - he died in his sleep. Unfortunately, the passengers in his car died yelling and screaming...

[mazooma]

March 28
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Winston Churchill was speaking at a rally. A woman interrupted his speech, yelling, "If you were my husband, I'd put rat poison in your tea!"

He replied, "And if you were my wife ma'am, I'd drink it!"

[mazooma]

March 29
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A young man proposes to his girlfriend. She says, "Yes - if you give me a pair of alligator boots." So the man sets off to get the boots. He is gone so long that the woman goes looking for him. She finds him in the everglades, standing over a dead alligator, cursing. As she watches, he bends over the dead beast and exclaims, "Dammit! Number seven, and AGAIN bare feet!"

[mazooma]

March 30
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A man goes to a psychologist and tells him he can't stop thinking about sex. The doctor shows him a series of ink blots, and each time the patient says that it looks like a couple having sex.

"You're obsessed with sex," the doctor says.

"Me?" asks the patient. "You're the one with all the dirty pictures!"

[mazooma]

March 31
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Two men are talking about their children. The first man says, "I'm so proud of my eldest. He's at medical school, you know."

"Really? replied the second.
"What's he studying?"

"Oh, he's not studying," said the first man. "They're studying him."

[mazooma]

April 1 - This is the funniest joke ever.
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How many database programmers does it take to change a lightbulb?

Three. One to write the removal program, one to write the insertion program, and one to act as alight bulb administrator to make sure nobody else tries to change the loght bulb at the same time.

[mazooma]

April 2
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A blonde was riding a horse when it sped up unexpectedly. She slipped, and was soon hanging from its tail, scraping all the skin off her knees. She managed to climb back on, but the fell off the side, with her foot caught. She had cuts and bruises all over by the time the horse finally stopped. Thank goodness the store manager came out to turn it off.

[todd1970]

Forgot congrats were in order for March mazooma..3 down

Im going to Blackpool on Monday..yes i know its gonna turn to winter again

But ill have someone else keeping an eye on you..

Bet yer scared now.

[ForYouToEnvy]

How many screws are there in a lesbians coffin?


None! Its all tongue and groove

[mazooma]

April 3 - OOoohhh I'm extra scared now
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Heard on the starship Enterprise's intercom:

"Very funny Scotty. Now beam down my clothes."