April 4
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Jim-Bob and John-Boy are on opposite sides of a lake.
"How do I get to the other side of the lake?" yells John-Boy
Jim-Bob replies, "You're already there!"
2120 replies to this topic
#441
mazooma
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I'm not dead yet
Posted 04 April 2008 - 06:43 PM
Where you came from, is gone.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
#442
mazooma
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I'm not dead yet
Posted 05 April 2008 - 11:37 AM
April 5
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A doctor puts a woman on a diet, telling her to eat normally for two days, then skip a day, and repeat fo two weeks. When she comes back in she has lost lots of weight.
"I thought I was going to die on the third day," she said.
"From hunger?" the doctor asked.
"No, from all the skipping."
------
A doctor puts a woman on a diet, telling her to eat normally for two days, then skip a day, and repeat fo two weeks. When she comes back in she has lost lots of weight.
"I thought I was going to die on the third day," she said.
"From hunger?" the doctor asked.
"No, from all the skipping."
Where you came from, is gone.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
#443
crofty1379
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Posted 05 April 2008 - 08:43 PM
two women walking home pissed from a night out one decides she needs the loo as it so late and now where open they go to the local grave yard where one has i piss and takes her knickers off to wipe her fanny the other need a shit so uses a bunch of flowers left on a headstone to wipe her arse the next night the girls boyfriends where in the local pub when one says i think my misses is having an affair she came home last night with no knickers on the other bloke says thats nothing i found a card in my lasses knickers saying we will always remember you all the lads from the firebrigade
#444
mazooma
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I'm not dead yet
Posted 06 April 2008 - 04:53 PM
April 6
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A blonde rings the airline company and askes how long it takes to fly from Minneapolis to Dallas. "Ummm," the consultant hesitates. "Just a minute...."
"Oh great! Thank you," says the blonde, and hangs up.
------
A blonde rings the airline company and askes how long it takes to fly from Minneapolis to Dallas. "Ummm," the consultant hesitates. "Just a minute...."
"Oh great! Thank you," says the blonde, and hangs up.
Where you came from, is gone.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
#445
mazooma
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I'm not dead yet
Posted 07 April 2008 - 06:12 PM
April 7
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Two tourists wre driving through Natchitoches, arguing about how to pronounce the name. They were still arguing when they stopped for lunch, so they asked the employee behind the counter. "Could you pronounce the name of this place - very slowly?"
The blonde leant forward and said,
"Burrrr, gerrrr, Kiiiiiing."
------
Two tourists wre driving through Natchitoches, arguing about how to pronounce the name. They were still arguing when they stopped for lunch, so they asked the employee behind the counter. "Could you pronounce the name of this place - very slowly?"
The blonde leant forward and said,
"Burrrr, gerrrr, Kiiiiiing."
Where you came from, is gone.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
#446
mazooma
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I'm not dead yet
Posted 08 April 2008 - 06:03 PM
April 8
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Sign on a dentist's surgery in Turkey:
Teeth extracted by latest methodists.
------
Sign on a dentist's surgery in Turkey:
Teeth extracted by latest methodists.
Where you came from, is gone.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
#447
mazooma
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I'm not dead yet
Posted 09 April 2008 - 07:22 PM
April 9 - Day 100
----------------
One unusually hot day, a man fainted in the street. A woman ran to help, but a man walked up and gently pushed her aside.
"Don't worry, sweetheart; I'm trained in first aid," he said. The woman waited while he took the man's pulse and checked his airways.
Then she said, "When you get to the bit about calling a doctor, just let me know. I'm right here."
----------------
One unusually hot day, a man fainted in the street. A woman ran to help, but a man walked up and gently pushed her aside.
"Don't worry, sweetheart; I'm trained in first aid," he said. The woman waited while he took the man's pulse and checked his airways.
Then she said, "When you get to the bit about calling a doctor, just let me know. I'm right here."
Where you came from, is gone.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
#448
mazooma
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I'm not dead yet
Posted 10 April 2008 - 06:20 PM
April 10
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A woman gets into an elevator.
A man who is already inside greets her with, "T-G-I-F!"
"S-H-I-T," the woman replies.
The man looks confused and says "Don't you get it? T-G-I-F - Thank Goodness It's Friday."
The woman replies, "Sorry, Honey, It's Thursday."
-------
A woman gets into an elevator.
A man who is already inside greets her with, "T-G-I-F!"
"S-H-I-T," the woman replies.
The man looks confused and says "Don't you get it? T-G-I-F - Thank Goodness It's Friday."
The woman replies, "Sorry, Honey, It's Thursday."
Where you came from, is gone.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
#449
duplu
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Previous Owner
Posted 11 April 2008 - 12:42 PM
A stranger was seated next to a little girl on the airplane when the
stranger turned to her and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights go
quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."
The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said
to the stranger, "What would you like to talk about?"
Oh, I don't know", said the stranger. "How about nuclear power?"
"OK," she said. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you
A question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass, the same
stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty,
and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"
The stranger thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea,"
To which the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss
nuclear power when you don't know sh**?"
stranger turned to her and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights go
quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."
The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said
to the stranger, "What would you like to talk about?"
Oh, I don't know", said the stranger. "How about nuclear power?"
"OK," she said. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you
A question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass, the same
stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty,
and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"
The stranger thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea,"
To which the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss
nuclear power when you don't know sh**?"
#450
mazooma
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I'm not dead yet
Posted 11 April 2008 - 06:03 PM
April 11
-------
A man on a hunting trip went out early, while his friend was still asleep.
He shot a huge bear, but only wounded it. As the bear charged the man sprinted back to the cabin.
Just as he opened the door, he tripped. The bear stumbled over him and fell inside. Thinking quickly, the man slammed the door and and called to his friend, "Here, buddy, you skin this one - I'll go find some more."
-------
A man on a hunting trip went out early, while his friend was still asleep.
He shot a huge bear, but only wounded it. As the bear charged the man sprinted back to the cabin.
Just as he opened the door, he tripped. The bear stumbled over him and fell inside. Thinking quickly, the man slammed the door and and called to his friend, "Here, buddy, you skin this one - I'll go find some more."
Where you came from, is gone.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
#451
mazooma
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I'm not dead yet
Posted 12 April 2008 - 02:05 PM
April 12 - Go on super Queens
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Notice on a bottle of sleeping pills:
Warning: May cause drowsiness.
-----------------------------
Notice on a bottle of sleeping pills:
Warning: May cause drowsiness.
Where you came from, is gone.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
#452
luckylee
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Junior Member
Posted 12 April 2008 - 04:57 PM
notice on a kids superman costume......
wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.
===================
Notice on a packet of american airlines nuts..
Instructions..
open packet, eat nuts.
wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.
===================
Notice on a packet of american airlines nuts..
Instructions..
open packet, eat nuts.
#453
mazooma
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I'm not dead yet
Posted 13 April 2008 - 09:45 AM
April 13
-------
Four blind men walk into a bar.
"Ouch!"
"Ouch!"
"Ouch!"
"Ouch!"
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Four blind men walk into a bar.
"Ouch!"
"Ouch!"
"Ouch!"
"Ouch!"
Where you came from, is gone.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
#454
mazooma
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I'm not dead yet
Posted 14 April 2008 - 06:56 PM
April 14
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How do you keep a computer programmer in the shower all day ?
Give him shampoo that says - "Lather, rinse, repeat."
-------
How do you keep a computer programmer in the shower all day ?
Give him shampoo that says - "Lather, rinse, repeat."
Where you came from, is gone.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
#455
bob150
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Junior Member
Posted 14 April 2008 - 07:46 PM
A DJ and a Barman were at work one night, It was a really quiet night. The baran says to the DJ "Let's play hide and seek" "You stay here and count I'll go hide" The DJ Agrees and the barman goes and hides. 20 Minutes later the barman hasn't even seen the DJ yet. He goes back to where they originally were and sees the dj covering his eyes couting "1,2..1,2"
#456
mazooma
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I'm not dead yet
Posted 15 April 2008 - 06:51 PM
April 15 - Ha Ha - nice one Bob
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Yesterday two prisoners escaped from custody. One was seven feet tall, the other four feet tall. The police are now looking high and low for them.
-----------------------------
Yesterday two prisoners escaped from custody. One was seven feet tall, the other four feet tall. The police are now looking high and low for them.
Where you came from, is gone.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
#457
ady
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The furniture
Posted 15 April 2008 - 07:17 PM
There are 2 cows standing in a field...how do you know which one is on holiday...?
The one with the wee calf
Just browsing this thread (this was on page Three!) and yup our todd Has to have the most crass attempt so far out of them all lol
#458
mazooma
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I'm not dead yet
Posted 16 April 2008 - 07:22 PM
April 16
-------
A man goes to a fishing shop and asks if they sell cockroaches. The clerk says yes, they sell them as bait. "Great," says the customer. "I'll have 10,000."
"You want 10,000 cockroaches?" the cleark gasps.
"Yep. I'm moving out of my house, and the lease says to leave it in the condition in which I found it."
-------
A man goes to a fishing shop and asks if they sell cockroaches. The clerk says yes, they sell them as bait. "Great," says the customer. "I'll have 10,000."
"You want 10,000 cockroaches?" the cleark gasps.
"Yep. I'm moving out of my house, and the lease says to leave it in the condition in which I found it."
Where you came from, is gone.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
#459
mazooma
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I'm not dead yet
Posted 17 April 2008 - 07:40 PM
April 17
-------
Heard on an answering machine:
Welcome to the psychiatric hotline.
Obsessive compulsives, please press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
Paranoid delusionals, we know who you are. Stay on the line while we trace your call.
-------
Heard on an answering machine:
Welcome to the psychiatric hotline.
Obsessive compulsives, please press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
Paranoid delusionals, we know who you are. Stay on the line while we trace your call.
Where you came from, is gone.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
#460
mazooma
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I'm not dead yet
Posted 18 April 2008 - 06:02 PM
April 18 - Oh my God! There's a sale on at DFS.
---------------------------------------------
Why did the cannibal get indigestion?
He ate some who disagreed with him.
Other sofa shops are available.
---------------------------------------------
Why did the cannibal get indigestion?
He ate some who disagreed with him.
Other sofa shops are available.
Where you came from, is gone.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
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