Q: What do you call a blonde with 90% of her intelligence gone?
A: Divorced.
2120 replies to this topic
#501
RB
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Posted 07 May 2008 - 06:56 AM
Cyberpunk:- alienated loner who lives on the edge of society in generally dystopic future where daily life is impacted by rapid technological change, an ubiquitous datasphere of computerized information, and invasive modification of the human body.....Hmmmmm
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#502
mazooma
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I'm not dead yet
Posted 07 May 2008 - 04:48 PM
May 7 - New site design, same crap jokes
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Sign in a Norwegian hotel:
Ladies are asked not to have children in the bar.
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Sign in a Norwegian hotel:
Ladies are asked not to have children in the bar.
Where you came from, is gone.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
#503
RB
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Posted 08 May 2008 - 12:15 PM
Two men were talking. "So, how's your sex life?"
"Oh, nothing special. I'm having Social Security sex."
"Social Security sex?"
"Yeah, you know; I get a little each month, but not enough to live on!"
"Oh, nothing special. I'm having Social Security sex."
"Social Security sex?"
"Yeah, you know; I get a little each month, but not enough to live on!"
Cyberpunk:- alienated loner who lives on the edge of society in generally dystopic future where daily life is impacted by rapid technological change, an ubiquitous datasphere of computerized information, and invasive modification of the human body.....Hmmmmm
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#504
mazooma
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I'm not dead yet
Posted 08 May 2008 - 04:17 PM
May 8
------
A baseball manager who had an ulcer went to see the doctor.
"Now remember," said the doctor.
"Don't get excited, don't get mad, and forget baseball when you're off the field."
Then he added, "By the way, how come you let the pitcher bat yesterday with the tying run on second and two men out in the ninth?"
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A baseball manager who had an ulcer went to see the doctor.
"Now remember," said the doctor.
"Don't get excited, don't get mad, and forget baseball when you're off the field."
Then he added, "By the way, how come you let the pitcher bat yesterday with the tying run on second and two men out in the ninth?"
Where you came from, is gone.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
#505
PJ
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Condom Testing Department
Posted 08 May 2008 - 05:55 PM
What's the most intelligent thing that ever came out of a woman's mouth?
Einstein's cock...
Einstein's cock...
Winning is not a crime...
NEITHER IS SWEARING!!!
NEITHER IS SWEARING!!!
#506
RB
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Posted 09 May 2008 - 08:34 AM
An Englishman and a Scotsman were sitting around talking one afternoon over a cold beer.
After a while the Scotsman says to the Englishman, "If I was to sneak over to your house and shag your wife while you were off fishing, and she got pregnant and had a baby, would that make us related?"
"The Englishman crooked his head sideways for a minute, scratched his head, and squinted his eyes thinking real hard about the question.
Finally, he says, "Well, I don't know about being related, but it would make us even."
After a while the Scotsman says to the Englishman, "If I was to sneak over to your house and shag your wife while you were off fishing, and she got pregnant and had a baby, would that make us related?"
"The Englishman crooked his head sideways for a minute, scratched his head, and squinted his eyes thinking real hard about the question.
Finally, he says, "Well, I don't know about being related, but it would make us even."
Cyberpunk:- alienated loner who lives on the edge of society in generally dystopic future where daily life is impacted by rapid technological change, an ubiquitous datasphere of computerized information, and invasive modification of the human body.....Hmmmmm
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#507
mazooma
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I'm not dead yet
Posted 09 May 2008 - 06:32 PM
May 9
------
Funny newspaper hadlines:
Plane too close to ground, crash probe told
Miners refuse to work after death
------
Funny newspaper hadlines:
Plane too close to ground, crash probe told
Miners refuse to work after death
Where you came from, is gone.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
#508
RB
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Posted 09 May 2008 - 08:31 PM
A man was feeling very depressed and walked into a bar and ordered a triple scotch. As the bartender poured him the drink he remarked, "That's quite a heavy drink. What's wrong?"
After quickly downing his drink, the man replied "I got home and found my wife in bed with my best friend."
"Wow" exclaimed the bartender, as he poured the man a second triple, "No wonder you needed a stiff drink. The second triple is on the house."
As the man downed his second triple scotch, the bartender asked him "What did you do?"
"I walked over to my wife" the man replied, "looked her straight in the eye and told her that we were through and to pack her stuff and to get the hell out."
"That makes sense" said the bartender, "but what about your best friend?"
The man replied, "I walked over to him, looked him right in the eye and said 'bad dog!'"
After quickly downing his drink, the man replied "I got home and found my wife in bed with my best friend."
"Wow" exclaimed the bartender, as he poured the man a second triple, "No wonder you needed a stiff drink. The second triple is on the house."
As the man downed his second triple scotch, the bartender asked him "What did you do?"
"I walked over to my wife" the man replied, "looked her straight in the eye and told her that we were through and to pack her stuff and to get the hell out."
"That makes sense" said the bartender, "but what about your best friend?"
The man replied, "I walked over to him, looked him right in the eye and said 'bad dog!'"
Cyberpunk:- alienated loner who lives on the edge of society in generally dystopic future where daily life is impacted by rapid technological change, an ubiquitous datasphere of computerized information, and invasive modification of the human body.....Hmmmmm
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#509
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Posted 10 May 2008 - 08:10 AM
Q: What do you call a blonde with 90% of her intelligence gone?
A: Divorced.
A: Divorced.
Cyberpunk:- alienated loner who lives on the edge of society in generally dystopic future where daily life is impacted by rapid technological change, an ubiquitous datasphere of computerized information, and invasive modification of the human body.....Hmmmmm
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#510
mazooma
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I'm not dead yet
Posted 10 May 2008 - 05:14 PM
May 10
-------
Why is a drum solo like a sneeze?
You can tell it's coming but can't do anything about it.
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Why is a drum solo like a sneeze?
You can tell it's coming but can't do anything about it.
Where you came from, is gone.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
#511
cardie
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Me Gusta
Posted 10 May 2008 - 06:06 PM
The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman and was somewhat upset -- "You are a disrespectful pig!" she cried. "How dare you do this to me -- a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce straight away!"
And the husband replied "Hang on just a minute Love, so at least I can tell you what happened."
"Fine, go ahead," she sobbed, "but they'll be the last words you'll ever say to me!!
And the husband began --
"Well, I was getting into the car to drive home and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car. I noticed that she
was thin, poorly dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days ! So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night - the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments. Since she needed a good clean up I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw them away. Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, But don't use because you say they are too tight. I also gave her the underwear that was your Anniversary present, which you don't use because I don't have good taste. I went and found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas - the one that you don't wear just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at that expensive shoe boutique and don't use because someone at work has a pair the same." The husband took a quick breath and continued - "She was so grateful for my understanding and help and as I walked her to
the door she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said, "Please, do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?"
And the husband replied "Hang on just a minute Love, so at least I can tell you what happened."
"Fine, go ahead," she sobbed, "but they'll be the last words you'll ever say to me!!
And the husband began --
"Well, I was getting into the car to drive home and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car. I noticed that she
was thin, poorly dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days ! So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night - the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments. Since she needed a good clean up I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw them away. Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, But don't use because you say they are too tight. I also gave her the underwear that was your Anniversary present, which you don't use because I don't have good taste. I went and found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas - the one that you don't wear just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at that expensive shoe boutique and don't use because someone at work has a pair the same." The husband took a quick breath and continued - "She was so grateful for my understanding and help and as I walked her to
the door she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said, "Please, do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?"
#512
hitthesix
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Posted 10 May 2008 - 07:11 PM
Two old ladies are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. One of the old ladies pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.
Maude: What in the hell is that?
Mable: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Maude: Where did you get it?
Mable: You can get them at any drugstore.
The next day, Maude hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers.
"Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel."
Maude: What in the hell is that?
Mable: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Maude: Where did you get it?
Mable: You can get them at any drugstore.
The next day, Maude hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers.
"Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel."
#513
RB
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Posted 11 May 2008 - 09:28 AM
Why do blondes have see-through lunch box lids?
So that when they're on the train they can tell if they're going to work or coming home.
So that when they're on the train they can tell if they're going to work or coming home.
Cyberpunk:- alienated loner who lives on the edge of society in generally dystopic future where daily life is impacted by rapid technological change, an ubiquitous datasphere of computerized information, and invasive modification of the human body.....Hmmmmm
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#514
mazooma
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I'm not dead yet
Posted 11 May 2008 - 09:34 AM
May 11
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John Paul Getty once said, "If you owe the bank $100, that's your problem. If you owe the bank $100million, that's the banks problem."
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John Paul Getty once said, "If you owe the bank $100, that's your problem. If you owe the bank $100million, that's the banks problem."
Where you came from, is gone.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
#515
RB
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Posted 11 May 2008 - 09:01 PM
Drunk Test
Things That Are Difficult to Say When You're Drunk:
Indubitably
Innovative
Preliminary
Proliferation
Cinnamon
Things That Are VERY Difficult to Say When You're Drunk:
Specificity
"Cogito ergo sum."
British Constitution
Passive-aggressive disorder
Loquacious
Transubstantiate
Things That Are Downright IMPOSSIBLE to Say When You're Drunk:
Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.
Nope, no more booze for me!
Sorry, but you're not really my type.
Good evening, Officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?
Oh, I just couldn't -- no one wants to hear me sing!
RB
Things That Are Difficult to Say When You're Drunk:
Indubitably
Innovative
Preliminary
Proliferation
Cinnamon
Things That Are VERY Difficult to Say When You're Drunk:
Specificity
"Cogito ergo sum."
British Constitution
Passive-aggressive disorder
Loquacious
Transubstantiate
Things That Are Downright IMPOSSIBLE to Say When You're Drunk:
Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.
Nope, no more booze for me!
Sorry, but you're not really my type.
Good evening, Officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?
Oh, I just couldn't -- no one wants to hear me sing!
RB
Cyberpunk:- alienated loner who lives on the edge of society in generally dystopic future where daily life is impacted by rapid technological change, an ubiquitous datasphere of computerized information, and invasive modification of the human body.....Hmmmmm
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#516
RB
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Posted 12 May 2008 - 09:51 AM
heello, iss tthhatt thhee sshhoop
iii boouugghht thhee vviibbrrattorr ffrroomm.
yes madam,
ccaann yyoouu tteell mmee hhooww ttoo ttuurrnn
tthhee ffuucckkiinngg tthhiinngg ooffff.
iii boouugghht thhee vviibbrrattorr ffrroomm.
yes madam,
ccaann yyoouu tteell mmee hhooww ttoo ttuurrnn
tthhee ffuucckkiinngg tthhiinngg ooffff.
Cyberpunk:- alienated loner who lives on the edge of society in generally dystopic future where daily life is impacted by rapid technological change, an ubiquitous datasphere of computerized information, and invasive modification of the human body.....Hmmmmm
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#517
mazooma
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I'm not dead yet
Posted 12 May 2008 - 03:47 PM
May 12 - Happy Birthday to my Mum.
-----------------------------------
A police officer pulled over an old man to ask, "Didn't you notice your wife fell out of the car a few miles ago?" The old man said, "Nope. Ithought I'd finally gone deaf."
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A police officer pulled over an old man to ask, "Didn't you notice your wife fell out of the car a few miles ago?" The old man said, "Nope. Ithought I'd finally gone deaf."
Where you came from, is gone.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
#518
Guest_altharic_*
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Posted 12 May 2008 - 05:31 PM
Drunk Test
Things That Are Difficult to Say When You're Drunk:
Indubitably
Innovative
Preliminary
Proliferation
Cinnamon
Things That Are VERY Difficult to Say When You're Drunk:
Specificity
"Cogito ergo sum."
British Constitution
Passive-aggressive disorder
Loquacious
Transubstantiate
Things That Are Downright IMPOSSIBLE to Say When You're Drunk:
Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.
Nope, no more booze for me!
Sorry, but you're not really my type.
Good evening, Officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?
Oh, I just couldn't -- no one wants to hear me sing!
RB
Try Hamilton Academicals 3 times pissed never once been able to get past 2 and a half.
#519
RB
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Posted 13 May 2008 - 08:32 AM
P.M.S
stands for
1. Pass My Shotgun
2. Psychotic Mood Shift
3. Perpetual Munching Spree
4. Puffy Mid-Section
5. People Make Me Sick
6. Provide Me with Sweets
7. Pardon My Sobbing
8. Pimples May Surface
9. Pass My Sweatpants
10. Pissy Mood Syndrome
11. Plainly, Men Suck
12. Pack My Stuff
Answers on a postcard plz....
stands for
1. Pass My Shotgun
2. Psychotic Mood Shift
3. Perpetual Munching Spree
4. Puffy Mid-Section
5. People Make Me Sick
6. Provide Me with Sweets
7. Pardon My Sobbing
8. Pimples May Surface
9. Pass My Sweatpants
10. Pissy Mood Syndrome
11. Plainly, Men Suck
12. Pack My Stuff
Answers on a postcard plz....
Cyberpunk:- alienated loner who lives on the edge of society in generally dystopic future where daily life is impacted by rapid technological change, an ubiquitous datasphere of computerized information, and invasive modification of the human body.....Hmmmmm
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#520
mazooma
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I'm not dead yet
Posted 13 May 2008 - 07:28 PM
May 13
-------
A truck carrying copies of Roget's Thesaurus overturned on the highway. The local newspaper reported that the onlookers were "stunned, overwhelmed, astonished, bewildered and dumbfounded."
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A truck carrying copies of Roget's Thesaurus overturned on the highway. The local newspaper reported that the onlookers were "stunned, overwhelmed, astonished, bewildered and dumbfounded."
Where you came from, is gone.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
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