A Duck walks into a pub and says to the barman: "Got any bread?"
Barman says: "No."
Duck says: "Got any bread?"
Barman says: "No."
Duck says: "Got any bread?"
Barman says: "No, we have no bread."
Duck says: "Got any bread?"
Barman says: "No, we haven't got any fricking bread."
Duck says: "Got any bread?"
Barman says: "No, are you deaf, we haven't got any fricking bread,
ask me again and I'll nail your fricking beak to the bar you irritating
bastard bird!"
Duck says: "Got any nails?"
Barman says: "No."
Duck says: "Got any bread?"
2120 replies to this topic
#521
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Posted 13 May 2008 - 07:53 PM
Cyberpunk:- alienated loner who lives on the edge of society in generally dystopic future where daily life is impacted by rapid technological change, an ubiquitous datasphere of computerized information, and invasive modification of the human body.....Hmmmmm
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#522
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Posted 14 May 2008 - 07:54 AM
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering
what the hell happened to your bra.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think
you are whispering when you are not.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor
in dancing like a retard.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you
to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you
to think you can sing.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you
to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you
to telephone them at four in the morning.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you
think you can logically converse with members
of the opposite sex without spitting.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you
think you have mystical Kung Fu powers,
resulting in your getting your ass kicked.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you
to roll over in the morning and see something really scary.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is the leading
cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead, knees and lower back.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create
the illusion that you are tougher, smarter,
faster and better looking than most people.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you
to believe you are invisible.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you
to think people are laughing WITH you.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause a disturbance
in the time-space continuum, whereby gaps of time
may seem to literally disappear.
(Ok now the time to think, how many of these warnings apply to you???)
RB
what the hell happened to your bra.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think
you are whispering when you are not.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor
in dancing like a retard.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you
to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you
to think you can sing.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you
to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you
to telephone them at four in the morning.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you
think you can logically converse with members
of the opposite sex without spitting.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you
think you have mystical Kung Fu powers,
resulting in your getting your ass kicked.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you
to roll over in the morning and see something really scary.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is the leading
cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead, knees and lower back.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create
the illusion that you are tougher, smarter,
faster and better looking than most people.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you
to believe you are invisible.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you
to think people are laughing WITH you.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause a disturbance
in the time-space continuum, whereby gaps of time
may seem to literally disappear.
(Ok now the time to think, how many of these warnings apply to you???)
RB
Cyberpunk:- alienated loner who lives on the edge of society in generally dystopic future where daily life is impacted by rapid technological change, an ubiquitous datasphere of computerized information, and invasive modification of the human body.....Hmmmmm
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#523
mazooma
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Posted 14 May 2008 - 06:04 PM
May 14 - All of them (see above)
--------------------------------
A gym instructor was taking an aerobics class. "OK!" she called to her exhausted clients, "I want you to lie on your backs and cycle your legs as though you're riding a bike."
After a minute, one man stopped.
"What are you doing?" asked the instructor.
"I'm going downhill now," the man replied. "I don't have to pedal."
--------------------------------
A gym instructor was taking an aerobics class. "OK!" she called to her exhausted clients, "I want you to lie on your backs and cycle your legs as though you're riding a bike."
After a minute, one man stopped.
"What are you doing?" asked the instructor.
"I'm going downhill now," the man replied. "I don't have to pedal."
Where you came from, is gone.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
#524
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Posted 15 May 2008 - 08:29 AM
Paddy and his two friends are talking at work.
His first friend says,
"I think my wife is having an affair with the electrician.
The other day I came home and found wire cutters
under our bed and they weren't mine."
His second friend says,
"I think my wife is having an affair with the plumber.
The other day I found a wrench under the bed and it wasn't mine."
Paddy says, "I think my wife is having an affair with a horse."Both his friends look at him with utter disbelief.
"I'm serious. The other day I came home and found a jockey under our bed."
His first friend says,
"I think my wife is having an affair with the electrician.
The other day I came home and found wire cutters
under our bed and they weren't mine."
His second friend says,
"I think my wife is having an affair with the plumber.
The other day I found a wrench under the bed and it wasn't mine."
Paddy says, "I think my wife is having an affair with a horse."Both his friends look at him with utter disbelief.
"I'm serious. The other day I came home and found a jockey under our bed."
Cyberpunk:- alienated loner who lives on the edge of society in generally dystopic future where daily life is impacted by rapid technological change, an ubiquitous datasphere of computerized information, and invasive modification of the human body.....Hmmmmm
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#525
£6 In Tokens
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Posted 15 May 2008 - 01:43 PM
Through a scheduling mix up, a man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train.
It's late, the train is full, and everyone else is already asleep. After the initial embarrassment, they both manage to get to sleep; the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower.
In the middle of the night the woman leans over and says:
"I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly pass me another blanket."
The man leans out and, with a glint in his eye, says, "I've got a better idea, let's pretend we're married."
"Why not," giggles the woman.
"Good," he replies. "Get your own blanket."
:devil:
It's late, the train is full, and everyone else is already asleep. After the initial embarrassment, they both manage to get to sleep; the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower.
In the middle of the night the woman leans over and says:
"I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly pass me another blanket."
The man leans out and, with a glint in his eye, says, "I've got a better idea, let's pretend we're married."
"Why not," giggles the woman.
"Good," he replies. "Get your own blanket."
:devil:
Edited by £6 In Tokens, 15 May 2008 - 01:53 PM.
#526
£6 In Tokens
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Posted 15 May 2008 - 01:45 PM
There was a guy who just got out of a really bad divorce with his wife. One day, he found a genie's lamp. The genie came out and said:
"Hello master. I will grant you three wishes but, what ever you wish for your wife gets double."
The guy didn't like that part but he made a wish anyway. For his first wish, he said:
"Genie, I want a house in Hawaii." POOF!!! He got one house, his wife got two. This didn't make him happy but, he made his second wish.
"Genie,I want 2 billion dollars." POOF! He got two billion, his wife four billion.
By now, this guy isn't very happy. The genie says, "You have one wish left. I have to remind you, what ever you wish for your wife gets double." The guy says, "Yeah, yeah. I know." So the guy thinks real hard and says
"I got it! Genie, beat me half to death!!"
:devil:
"Hello master. I will grant you three wishes but, what ever you wish for your wife gets double."
The guy didn't like that part but he made a wish anyway. For his first wish, he said:
"Genie, I want a house in Hawaii." POOF!!! He got one house, his wife got two. This didn't make him happy but, he made his second wish.
"Genie,I want 2 billion dollars." POOF! He got two billion, his wife four billion.
By now, this guy isn't very happy. The genie says, "You have one wish left. I have to remind you, what ever you wish for your wife gets double." The guy says, "Yeah, yeah. I know." So the guy thinks real hard and says
"I got it! Genie, beat me half to death!!"
:devil:
#527
£6 In Tokens
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Posted 15 May 2008 - 01:50 PM
After the annual office party blow-out, Colin woke up with a pounding headache, utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening.
After a trip to the bathroom he was able to make his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him:
"Louise," he moaned, "Tell me what went on last night. Was it as bad as I think?"
"Even worse," she assured him, voice dripping with scorn.
"You made a complete ass of yourself, succeeded in antagonizing the entire senior management and insulted the Regional Director General to his face."
"He's an asshole. I should have pissed on him."
"You did," Louise informed him. "And he fired you."
"Well, screw him!" yelled Colin.
"I did. You're back at work on Monday."
:devil:
After a trip to the bathroom he was able to make his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him:
"Louise," he moaned, "Tell me what went on last night. Was it as bad as I think?"
"Even worse," she assured him, voice dripping with scorn.
"You made a complete ass of yourself, succeeded in antagonizing the entire senior management and insulted the Regional Director General to his face."
"He's an asshole. I should have pissed on him."
"You did," Louise informed him. "And he fired you."
"Well, screw him!" yelled Colin.
"I did. You're back at work on Monday."
:devil:
#528
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Posted 15 May 2008 - 07:07 PM
A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck,
and everyone inside dies. They then get to meet their maker,
and because of the grief they have experienced,
he decides to grant them one wish each before they enter Paradise.
They're all lined up, and God asks the first one what the wish is.
"I want to be gorgeous," and so God snaps His fingers, and it is done.
The second one in line hears this and says "I want to be gorgeous too."
Another snap of His fingers and the wish is granted.
This goes on for awhile but when God is halfway down the line,
the last guy in line starts laughing. When there are only ten people left,
this guy is rolling on the floor, laughing his ass off.
Finally, God reaches this guy and asks him what his wish will be.
The guy calms down and says: "Make 'em all ugly again"
Bet he drank WKD...
and everyone inside dies. They then get to meet their maker,
and because of the grief they have experienced,
he decides to grant them one wish each before they enter Paradise.
They're all lined up, and God asks the first one what the wish is.
"I want to be gorgeous," and so God snaps His fingers, and it is done.
The second one in line hears this and says "I want to be gorgeous too."
Another snap of His fingers and the wish is granted.
This goes on for awhile but when God is halfway down the line,
the last guy in line starts laughing. When there are only ten people left,
this guy is rolling on the floor, laughing his ass off.
Finally, God reaches this guy and asks him what his wish will be.
The guy calms down and says: "Make 'em all ugly again"
Bet he drank WKD...
Cyberpunk:- alienated loner who lives on the edge of society in generally dystopic future where daily life is impacted by rapid technological change, an ubiquitous datasphere of computerized information, and invasive modification of the human body.....Hmmmmm
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#529
mazooma
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I'm not dead yet
Posted 15 May 2008 - 07:27 PM
May 15
-------
How many psychologists does it take to chane a lightbulb?
Only one, but the lightbulb has to want to change.
-------
How many psychologists does it take to chane a lightbulb?
Only one, but the lightbulb has to want to change.
Where you came from, is gone.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
#530
RB
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Posted 16 May 2008 - 07:01 AM
A guy came into a bar one day and said to the bartender,
"Give me six double vodkas.
"The bartender says, "Wow! you must have had one hell of a day."
"Yes, I've just found out my older brother is gay."
The next day the same guy came into the bar
and asked for the same drinks.
When the bartender asked what the problem
was today the answer came back,
"I've just found out that my younger brother is gay too!"
On the third day the guy came into the bar
and ordered another six double vodkas.
The bartender said, "Gee, doesn't anybody in your family like women ?"
"Yeah, my wife..."
"Give me six double vodkas.
"The bartender says, "Wow! you must have had one hell of a day."
"Yes, I've just found out my older brother is gay."
The next day the same guy came into the bar
and asked for the same drinks.
When the bartender asked what the problem
was today the answer came back,
"I've just found out that my younger brother is gay too!"
On the third day the guy came into the bar
and ordered another six double vodkas.
The bartender said, "Gee, doesn't anybody in your family like women ?"
"Yeah, my wife..."
Cyberpunk:- alienated loner who lives on the edge of society in generally dystopic future where daily life is impacted by rapid technological change, an ubiquitous datasphere of computerized information, and invasive modification of the human body.....Hmmmmm
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#531
stu55554
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Posted 16 May 2008 - 02:59 PM
more dodgy jokes that rnt funny7 
toddy likes to change signatures as he has nothing better to do..
#532
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Posted 16 May 2008 - 03:37 PM
more dodgy jokes that rnt funny7
So why dont you stick something up to your likeing???
Some of these amusing annecdotes do require a little reading.
Maybe some graphic Chubby brown type jokes or bernard manning racist stuff or some childish "bottom" type jokes...if we dont know what you like we cant cater for your tastes can we now?
Cyberpunk:- alienated loner who lives on the edge of society in generally dystopic future where daily life is impacted by rapid technological change, an ubiquitous datasphere of computerized information, and invasive modification of the human body.....Hmmmmm
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#533
mazooma
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Posted 16 May 2008 - 07:34 PM
May 16
-------
An old-timer saw a young infantryman moaning and rubbing his feet after a training march. "You should be ashamed of yourself!" the old man said. "When I was your age, I thought nothing of a ten-maile forced march."
"Oh yeah?" said the infantryman.
"Well I don't think much of it either."
-------
An old-timer saw a young infantryman moaning and rubbing his feet after a training march. "You should be ashamed of yourself!" the old man said. "When I was your age, I thought nothing of a ten-maile forced march."
"Oh yeah?" said the infantryman.
"Well I don't think much of it either."
Where you came from, is gone.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
#534
RB
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Posted 17 May 2008 - 08:38 AM
What two words will clear out a men's restroom?
"Nice Dick!"
"Nice Dick!"
Cyberpunk:- alienated loner who lives on the edge of society in generally dystopic future where daily life is impacted by rapid technological change, an ubiquitous datasphere of computerized information, and invasive modification of the human body.....Hmmmmm
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#535
mazooma
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I'm not dead yet
Posted 17 May 2008 - 09:26 PM
May 17
-------
"What flavours of ice-cream do you have?" asked the customer.
"Strawberry, chocolate, and vanilla," the waiter whispered hoarsely.
"Oh, do you have laryngitis?" the customer asked sympathetically.
"No... just strawberry, chocolate and vanilla."
-------
"What flavours of ice-cream do you have?" asked the customer.
"Strawberry, chocolate, and vanilla," the waiter whispered hoarsely.
"Oh, do you have laryngitis?" the customer asked sympathetically.
"No... just strawberry, chocolate and vanilla."
Where you came from, is gone.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
#536
todd1970
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The furniture
Posted 17 May 2008 - 10:13 PM
Mmmmmm...Sandy ive 'ad her ye know. 
#537
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Posted 18 May 2008 - 08:36 AM
A blonde hurries into the emergency room late one night
with the tip of her index finger shot off.
"How did this happen?" the emergency room doctor asked her.
"Well, I was trying to commit suicide," the blonde replied.
"What?" sputtered the doctor.
"You tried to commit suicide by shooting your finger off?"
"No, Silly!" the blonde said.
"First I put the gun to my chest, and I thought:
I just paid £6,000.00 for these breast implants,
I'm not shooting myself in the chest."
"So then?" asked the doctor.
"Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought:
I just paid £3000.00 to get my teeth straightened,
I'm not shooting myself in the mouth."
"So then?"
"Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought:
This is going to make a loud noise.
So I put my finger in the other ear before I pulled the trigger!"
with the tip of her index finger shot off.
"How did this happen?" the emergency room doctor asked her.
"Well, I was trying to commit suicide," the blonde replied.
"What?" sputtered the doctor.
"You tried to commit suicide by shooting your finger off?"
"No, Silly!" the blonde said.
"First I put the gun to my chest, and I thought:
I just paid £6,000.00 for these breast implants,
I'm not shooting myself in the chest."
"So then?" asked the doctor.
"Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought:
I just paid £3000.00 to get my teeth straightened,
I'm not shooting myself in the mouth."
"So then?"
"Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought:
This is going to make a loud noise.
So I put my finger in the other ear before I pulled the trigger!"
Cyberpunk:- alienated loner who lives on the edge of society in generally dystopic future where daily life is impacted by rapid technological change, an ubiquitous datasphere of computerized information, and invasive modification of the human body.....Hmmmmm
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#538
mazooma
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I'm not dead yet
Posted 18 May 2008 - 01:22 PM
May 18
-------
Smith goes to see his supervisor.
"Boss, we're doing some cleaning at home tomorrow, and I need the day off work to help with the heavy lifting."
"Sorry, Smith," the boss replies.
"We're short-staffed, I can't let you have the time off."
"Thanks boss. I knew I could count on you!"
-------
Smith goes to see his supervisor.
"Boss, we're doing some cleaning at home tomorrow, and I need the day off work to help with the heavy lifting."
"Sorry, Smith," the boss replies.
"We're short-staffed, I can't let you have the time off."
"Thanks boss. I knew I could count on you!"
Where you came from, is gone.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
#539
RB
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Posted 19 May 2008 - 07:51 AM
Girl & her boyfriend go to the pub.
When it's the girl's turn to buy a round,
she tells him that she's heard of a wonderful new drink he simply must try.
She returns with the usual half of lager for herself.
For him, she has two glasses.
One contains a measure of Bailey's, the other lime juice.
Instructions: "OK, what you gotta do is, you gotta swig the Bailey's,
hold it in your mouth, and then drink the lime juice."
He looks a bit dubious,
but she's very enthusiastic so he decides to give it a go.
First the Bailey's; lovely smooth, creamy, warm feeling in the mouth.
Then he takes the lime juice.
T + 0.1 secs: The cream in the Bailey's curdles.
T + 0.3 secs: Boyfriend's face turns the colour of fresh lime juice.
T + 0.6 secs: Boyfriend calms his stomach & swallows the gunge.
T + 1.5 secs: Boyfriend says "This taste like crap. What's it called?"
She replies "Blowjob revenge"
When it's the girl's turn to buy a round,
she tells him that she's heard of a wonderful new drink he simply must try.
She returns with the usual half of lager for herself.
For him, she has two glasses.
One contains a measure of Bailey's, the other lime juice.
Instructions: "OK, what you gotta do is, you gotta swig the Bailey's,
hold it in your mouth, and then drink the lime juice."
He looks a bit dubious,
but she's very enthusiastic so he decides to give it a go.
First the Bailey's; lovely smooth, creamy, warm feeling in the mouth.
Then he takes the lime juice.
T + 0.1 secs: The cream in the Bailey's curdles.
T + 0.3 secs: Boyfriend's face turns the colour of fresh lime juice.
T + 0.6 secs: Boyfriend calms his stomach & swallows the gunge.
T + 1.5 secs: Boyfriend says "This taste like crap. What's it called?"
She replies "Blowjob revenge"
Cyberpunk:- alienated loner who lives on the edge of society in generally dystopic future where daily life is impacted by rapid technological change, an ubiquitous datasphere of computerized information, and invasive modification of the human body.....Hmmmmm
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#540
mazooma
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I'm not dead yet
Posted 19 May 2008 - 06:59 PM
May 19
-------
Sign on a British second-hand shop:
We exchange everything - bicycles, washing machines, etc. Why not bring your wife along and get a wonderful bargain?
-------
Sign on a British second-hand shop:
We exchange everything - bicycles, washing machines, etc. Why not bring your wife along and get a wonderful bargain?
Where you came from, is gone.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
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