A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey.
He orders a drink and while he's drinking,
the monkey jumps all around the place.
The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them,
then grabs some sliced limes and eats them,
then jumps onto the pool table, grabs one of the billiard balls,
sticks it in his mouth, and to everyone's amazement,
somehow swallows it whole.
The bartender screams at the guy,
"Did you see what your monkey just did?"
The guy says "No, what?"
"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table-whole!"
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy,
"he eats everything in sight, the little bastard.
Sorry. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff."
He finishes his drink, pays his bill,
pays for the stuff the monkey ate, then leaves.
Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and has his monkey with him.
He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again.
While the man is finishing his drink,
the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar.
He grabs it, sticks it up his ass, pulls it out, and eats it.
Then the monkey finds a peanut, and again sticks it up his ass,
pulls it out, and eats it.
The bartender is disgusted.
"Did you see what your monkey did now?" He asks.
"No, what?" replies the guy.
"Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his ass,
pulled it out, and ate it!" said the bartender.
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. "He still eats
everything in sight, but ever since he had to shit out that cue ball,
he measures everything first."
2120 replies to this topic
#541
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Posted 20 May 2008 - 06:39 AM
Cyberpunk:- alienated loner who lives on the edge of society in generally dystopic future where daily life is impacted by rapid technological change, an ubiquitous datasphere of computerized information, and invasive modification of the human body.....Hmmmmm
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#542
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Posted 20 May 2008 - 04:13 PM
Gordon Brown!
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Re the title what more do I need to say
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Re the title what more do I need to say
#543
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Posted 20 May 2008 - 07:26 PM
Gordon Brown!
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Re the title what more do I need to say
No Ady that belongs under the Twat of the century thread....!!!!!! :devil:
Cyberpunk:- alienated loner who lives on the edge of society in generally dystopic future where daily life is impacted by rapid technological change, an ubiquitous datasphere of computerized information, and invasive modification of the human body.....Hmmmmm
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#544
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Posted 20 May 2008 - 07:29 PM
Gordon Brown!
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Re the title what more do I need to say
Well I was going to say Santa then I realised there might be kids about.
#545
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Posted 20 May 2008 - 07:30 PM
Gordon Brown!
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Re the title what more do I need to say
May 20 - Useless c*** - it's not even funny anymore
---------------------------------------------------
What do you call a crate of ducks?
A box of quackers.
And neither was that.
Where you came from, is gone.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
#546
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Posted 21 May 2008 - 06:07 PM
May 21
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An accountant is having trouble sleeping and visits her doctor.
"Have you tried counting sheep?" the doctor asked.
"That's the problem. I make a mistake, then spend three hours trying to find it!"
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An accountant is having trouble sleeping and visits her doctor.
"Have you tried counting sheep?" the doctor asked.
"That's the problem. I make a mistake, then spend three hours trying to find it!"
Where you came from, is gone.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
#547
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Posted 21 May 2008 - 11:19 PM
These three women were roommates.
One night they all had all gone out on dates
and all came home at about the same time.
The blonde said, "You know you've been on a good date
when you come home with your hair all messed up."
The brunette said, "No, you know you've been on a good date
when you come home with your makeup all smeared."
The redhead said nothing, but reached under her skirt,
removed her panties and threw up to the ceiling, where they stuck.
She said, "Now THAT'S a good date!"
One night they all had all gone out on dates
and all came home at about the same time.
The blonde said, "You know you've been on a good date
when you come home with your hair all messed up."
The brunette said, "No, you know you've been on a good date
when you come home with your makeup all smeared."
The redhead said nothing, but reached under her skirt,
removed her panties and threw up to the ceiling, where they stuck.
She said, "Now THAT'S a good date!"
Cyberpunk:- alienated loner who lives on the edge of society in generally dystopic future where daily life is impacted by rapid technological change, an ubiquitous datasphere of computerized information, and invasive modification of the human body.....Hmmmmm
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#548
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Posted 22 May 2008 - 11:33 AM
A little kid was sitting on the top of a flight of stairs
and his mum was watching him.
The kid had a bag of jelly beans. He put one in his mouth,
grabbed the cat and bit it.
Then dropped down to the next step, put another jelly bean in his mouth,
bit the cat again and dropped down to the next step.
His mum, wondered what he was doing and went up and asked him.
"I'm playing Truckies." said the kid,
"Poppin pills, eating pussy and movin 'on."
and his mum was watching him.
The kid had a bag of jelly beans. He put one in his mouth,
grabbed the cat and bit it.
Then dropped down to the next step, put another jelly bean in his mouth,
bit the cat again and dropped down to the next step.
His mum, wondered what he was doing and went up and asked him.
"I'm playing Truckies." said the kid,
"Poppin pills, eating pussy and movin 'on."
Cyberpunk:- alienated loner who lives on the edge of society in generally dystopic future where daily life is impacted by rapid technological change, an ubiquitous datasphere of computerized information, and invasive modification of the human body.....Hmmmmm
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#549
mazooma
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Posted 22 May 2008 - 08:17 PM
May 22
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A chicken and an egg are lying in bed.
The chicken is lying back, looking happy, and smoking a cigarette.
The egg grabs the sheet, rolls over, and snaps,
"Well, I guess we finally answered that question."
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A chicken and an egg are lying in bed.
The chicken is lying back, looking happy, and smoking a cigarette.
The egg grabs the sheet, rolls over, and snaps,
"Well, I guess we finally answered that question."
Where you came from, is gone.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
#550
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Posted 23 May 2008 - 05:42 PM
May 23
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How many software engineers does it take to chane a lightbulb?
None. That's a hardware failure.
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How many software engineers does it take to chane a lightbulb?
None. That's a hardware failure.
Where you came from, is gone.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
#551
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Posted 23 May 2008 - 06:26 PM
Cyberpunk:- alienated loner who lives on the edge of society in generally dystopic future where daily life is impacted by rapid technological change, an ubiquitous datasphere of computerized information, and invasive modification of the human body.....Hmmmmm
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#552
mazooma
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Posted 24 May 2008 - 06:39 PM
May 24
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Answers from college history exams:
Actually, Homer ws not written by Homer, but by another man of that name.
The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. He was born in 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never made much money and is famous only because of his plays.
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Answers from college history exams:
Actually, Homer ws not written by Homer, but by another man of that name.
The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. He was born in 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never made much money and is famous only because of his plays.
Where you came from, is gone.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
#553
mazooma
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I'm not dead yet
Posted 25 May 2008 - 02:45 PM
May 25
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When Johnny joined the army, everyone said he'd have to br tough if he wanted respect. So he swaggered around being loud and rude. "Show me a sergent, and I'll show you an idiot!" he yelled.
Suddenly a huge, muscle-bound man appeared. "I'm a sergent!" he snapped.
"I'm an idiot!" Johnny whimpered.
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When Johnny joined the army, everyone said he'd have to br tough if he wanted respect. So he swaggered around being loud and rude. "Show me a sergent, and I'll show you an idiot!" he yelled.
Suddenly a huge, muscle-bound man appeared. "I'm a sergent!" he snapped.
"I'm an idiot!" Johnny whimpered.
Where you came from, is gone.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
#554
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Posted 25 May 2008 - 03:05 PM
There was a young sailor from Brighton
Who remarked to his girl, "You're a tight one."
She replied, "Don my soul,
You're in the wrong hole
There's plenty of room in the right one."
Who remarked to his girl, "You're a tight one."
She replied, "Don my soul,
You're in the wrong hole
There's plenty of room in the right one."
Cyberpunk:- alienated loner who lives on the edge of society in generally dystopic future where daily life is impacted by rapid technological change, an ubiquitous datasphere of computerized information, and invasive modification of the human body.....Hmmmmm
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#555
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I'm not dead yet
Posted 26 May 2008 - 04:29 PM
May 26
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How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. It will turn itself in eventually.
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How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. It will turn itself in eventually.
Where you came from, is gone.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
#556
mazooma
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I'm not dead yet
Posted 27 May 2008 - 06:29 PM
May 27
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A man named Odd had been the butt of jokes his whole life. One day he'd had enough.
"That's it," he said. "when I die, I want my tombstone to be blank. I don't want people making jokes about my name when I'm dead."
After Odd died, people saw his blank tombstone and said, "That's odd...."
-------
A man named Odd had been the butt of jokes his whole life. One day he'd had enough.
"That's it," he said. "when I die, I want my tombstone to be blank. I don't want people making jokes about my name when I'm dead."
After Odd died, people saw his blank tombstone and said, "That's odd...."
Where you came from, is gone.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
#557
mazooma
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I'm not dead yet
Posted 28 May 2008 - 06:56 PM
May 28 - Happy birthday to my future ex-wife, Kylie.
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How many accountants does ot take to chang a lightbulb?
What figure did you have in mind?
--------------------------------------------------
How many accountants does ot take to chang a lightbulb?
What figure did you have in mind?
Where you came from, is gone.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
#558
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Posted 28 May 2008 - 08:43 PM
A woman is frustrated with her love life
because her husband has a massive crush on Brigitte
Bardot an ignores her completely.
To win back his attentions, she goes to a tattooist
to have the letters 'BB' tattooed on her breasts.
The tattooist warns her that age and gravity
would probably make this unattractive later in life,
Ned suggests she have the tattoo on her arse instead.
She agrees, and bends over to receive a 'B' on each buttock.
When her husband gets home from work that night,
she greets him by turning around, bending over,
and lifting her dress to expose the artwork.
"What do you think?" the wife says.
"Uh, who the f*** is Bob?" the husband replies.
:devil:
because her husband has a massive crush on Brigitte
Bardot an ignores her completely.
To win back his attentions, she goes to a tattooist
to have the letters 'BB' tattooed on her breasts.
The tattooist warns her that age and gravity
would probably make this unattractive later in life,
Ned suggests she have the tattoo on her arse instead.
She agrees, and bends over to receive a 'B' on each buttock.
When her husband gets home from work that night,
she greets him by turning around, bending over,
and lifting her dress to expose the artwork.
"What do you think?" the wife says.
"Uh, who the f*** is Bob?" the husband replies.
:devil:
Cyberpunk:- alienated loner who lives on the edge of society in generally dystopic future where daily life is impacted by rapid technological change, an ubiquitous datasphere of computerized information, and invasive modification of the human body.....Hmmmmm
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#559
ady
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The furniture
Posted 28 May 2008 - 08:50 PM
There was a young sailor from Brighton
Who remarked to his girl, "You're a tight one."
She replied, "Don my soul,
You're in the wrong hole
There's plenty of room in the right one."
I don't get this One?.....
Am I gonna show myself up asking (was trying to think of the obvious)? lol....I really don't see it though!
#560
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Posted 28 May 2008 - 09:03 PM
basically "he's in her chocolate channel"................(thought id tone it down a bit) as its tighter than her slack one...
Cyberpunk:- alienated loner who lives on the edge of society in generally dystopic future where daily life is impacted by rapid technological change, an ubiquitous datasphere of computerized information, and invasive modification of the human body.....Hmmmmm
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