2120 replies to this topic

[RB]

Pinocchio had a human girlfriend who would sometimes complain about splinters when they were having sex. Pinocchio, therefore, went to visit Gepetto to see if he could help.
Gepetto suggested he try a little sandpaper wherever indicated and Pinocchio skipped away enlightened.
A couple weeks later, Gepetto saw Pinocchio bouncing happily through town and asked him, "How's the girlfriend?"
Pinocchio replied, "Who needs a girlfriend?" 8O

[RB]

McQuillan walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each time removing the olives and placing
them in a jar. When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, the Irishman started to
leave.
"S'cuse me", said a customer, who was puzzled over what McQuillan had done, "what was that all about?"
"Nothin', said the Irishman, "my wife just sent me out for a jar of olives!"

I know it says "irishman" just substitute your own name........must go for a loaf of bread.......how much are bar sandwiches these days????...eat the filling.....lick off the marg...repackage the bread...... :twisted: :twisted:

[PJ]

Mummy, mummy, where did I come from?

Well, sweetie, the stork picked you up from the gooseberry bush, and flew over mountains and rivers, carrying you in a white linen bundle to my doorstep, where we've looked after you ever since.

But mummy, who f***ed the stork?...

[Bencrest]

Not sure where I heard this one, but oh well

Theres been a plane crash over a cemetery in Dublin, bodies everywhere. Currently the death toll stands at 300, but is expected to rise the rescue workers continue digging

I'm crap at telling jokes but I thought that was short and sweet

Anyway, noticed the comment regarding the Stevie Wonder 'joke' above, to be honest I don't think [unless I am being really stupid] theres a valid punchline, and we can't really tolerate racist jokes [blonde jokes are ok though ], so I have moved that post to the abyss

[PJ]

...regarding the Stevie Wonder 'joke' above...I have moved that post to the abyss...

Nice one mate - now my post looks like I'm commenting on something that never existed until the reader gets to your post... :roll:

[RB]

A young guy from Missouri moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under the roof department store" looking for a job.
The manager says " Do you have any sales experience?"
The kid says " Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Missouri."
Well, the boss liked the kid so he gave him the job.
"You start tomorrow, Il come down after we close and see how you did."
His first day on the job was rough but he got through it.
After the store was locked up, the boss came down, "How many sales did you make today?"
The kid says "one."
The boss says, "just one?!! Our sales people average 20 to 30 sales a day!
How much was the sale for?
The kid says " $101,237.64"
The boss says, "$101,23764? WHAT THE HELL DID YOU SELL?"
Kid says, " First I sold him a small fish hook, then I sold him a medium fish hook, then I sold him a larger fish hook, then I sold him a new fishing rod, then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he was gonna need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin engine Chris Craft.
Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition."
The boss said, " A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a BOAT AND A TRUCK??"
The kid says, " No, he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I said, "Well, your weekend's shot, you might as well go fishing.."

[brxwoody]

omight be an old joke ut made me lol

[RB]

A sheep herder made it in to San Antonio, Texas, after 10 years in the bush. He found a saloon and approached the bar tender. He told the bartender "I need a woman."
The bartender said, "There are women all over San Antone for a price."
The sheep herder replied, "Just any woman won't do. I ain't f***ed nothin' but goats 'n sheep for the last ten years. They got cockle burrs 'n mesquite thorns around their pussy and my old dick is tough with calluses on it, and I need a good tough piece of ass."
So the bartender tells him, "Well, you're in luck. The toughest broad in all San Antonio has a room right up stairs." The bartender picks up the phone contacts the lady, explains the situation, and tells the sheep herder to go on up. The sheep herder gets a small ice bucket with two Lone Star long necks (the favorite brew in San Atone), and proceeds up the stairs.
When he gets to the room he says, "The barkeep told me you are the toughest broad in town."
The lady is livid, and says, "Well he's a lyin' son of a bitch. I'm the toughest broad in Texas, and probably in the whole United States."
Excitedly, the sheep herder says, "Well, you're just what I'm looking for. He then turned and leaned over to set the bucket of beer on the coffee table.
Just then, the woman threw her skirt up around her waist and bent over and grabbed her ankles. Her brown eye was looking him right in the eyeball.
A bit surprised, the sheep herder says, "Damn, baby. I know you're tough, but I don't wanna do ya that way."
To which the wench replies, "I thought you wanted to open your damn beers."

[electo]

:evil: bad joke :evil:

What's white and swings through the jungle

A fridge

[RB]

pirate walked into a bar and the bartender said, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible".

"What do you mean?" said the pirate, "I feel fine"

"What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before."

"Well, we were in a battle and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine now".

"Well, ok, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?"

"We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook. I'm fine, really".

"What about that eye patch?"

"Oh, one day we were at sea and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up and one of them shit in my eye".

"You're kidding," said the bartender, "you couldn't lose an eye just from some bird doo-doo?"

"It was my first day with the hook"

[RB]

One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, everyone in the town of Brighton got up early and went to the local church. Before the services started, the townspeople were sitting in their pews and talking about their lives, their families, etc. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the exit, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from this evil incarnate. Soon everyone was evacuated from the Church, except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew, not moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence. Now this confused Satan a bit, so he walked up to the man and said, "Don't you know who I am?" The man replied "Yep, sure do." Satan asked, "Aren't you afraid of me?" "Nope, sure ain't," said the man. Satan was a little perturbed at this and queried, "Why aren't you afraid of me?" The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for 48 years..."

[PJ]

Bruiser Bear had been throwing Randy Rabbit all over the forest just for fun for years now, and during this latest bashing, Randy was slammed against an old rotting tree trunk, under which was a magic lamp. "Woss this then?" said Bruiser, giving it a clean with his huge paws, when a huge flash and a puff of smoke announced the release of the Genie.

"Free at last!", boomed the Genie, "I have been imprisoned inside that lamp for over eight hundred years! And now I'm out, I can grant you both three wishes each!"

"Well, I'm 'avin' the first wish then" snarled Bruiser smugly, shoving Randy aside to get a better view of the Genie, "I wish all the bears in this woods were female and gagging for me!" - to which the Genie made good immediately.

Randy's first wish was for a red crash helmet and riding goggles, to which the Genie also made good immediately - Bruiser laughed disdainfully at this, and said "You've got no imagination at all - here's my second wish, genie, I want all the bears in the whole country to be female, and gagging for me! What d'you think of that, rabbit?".

Randy's second wish was for a customised Harley Davidson Fat Boy with a cherry-black paint job - Bruiser sniggered again, and said "Off on a tour or summink, are we? Well I'll still be here when you get back, and it'll be nothing but chucking you against trees and shagging all these tasty young bear-bitches - in fact, I'm making my third wish to have all the bears in the world female and all chasing me for a shag!".

The Genie made good on Bruiser's third wish, and soon enough, newly female bears were already approaching. "Here it comes - Pussy Paradise - yes girls, I'm right here, and I'm all yours!", roared Bruiser, "but before I get to bonking for Bear Britain, what's your last wish, wimp?" - to which Randy carefully secured his goggles and helmet round his head, revved up the Harley and declared in a loud and steady voice...


..."I wish Bruiser Bear was GAY!!!!"...


...and quickly sped off into the distance!

[stevedude2]

A guy askes his girl friend to marry him and she says yes, so he buys her a new car - a Lamboghini Countach - she loves this car she goes every where in it.

One day she picks up her kids from school, she's got a boy and a girl. As she's driving down the road, a car pulls up in front of her and they have a really nasty accident and she falls into a coma. When she wakes up from the coma there is a doctor next to her and she quickly asks doctor " Where is my son he was really good at football, he could have played for England and been better than Beckham?"

The doctor replies "I'm so sorry, in the accident he lost his leg he wont be able to kick a football any more."

The woman asks about her daughter "Doctor where is my daughter? She was really good at tennis and she could have been the best in the world and won at Wimbeldon"

The doctor says "Sorry but in the accident she lost her arms and she
wont be able to pick up a racket any more" She begins to cry.

"Doctor" asks the woman, "How long have I been in this coma?" The doctor replies, " 6 months". "So what's the date?" asks the woman

"April 1st" says the doctor. The woman begins to laugh "So you were joking then were you?"

Doctor: "YES.........they both died in inpact"

[unclechicken]

How do you make a snooker table laugh??

Put your hands in its pockets and tickle its balls

Groan, yes i know its old :oops:

[RB]

A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks, in the sweetest little lisp, between two missing teeth, "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?"
As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that he's on her level and asks, "Do you want a widdle white wabbit, or a thoft and fuwwy bwack wabbit, or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabbit over there?"
She, in turn, blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says, in a tiny quiet voice, "I don't think my python weawy givths a thit."

[RB]

The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep. Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says,
"Kemo Sabe, look towards sky, what you see?"
The Lone Ranger replies, "I see millions of stars."
"What that tell you?" asked Tonto.
The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, "Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What's it tell you, Tonto?"
Tonto is silent for a moment, then says, "Kemo Sabe, you dumber then buffalo shit. Someone has stolen tent."

[stevedude2]

What's got 4 legs and one arm?


A doberman in a play-ground

[RB]

A college professor was doing a study testing the senses of first graders using a bowl of lifesavers.
He gave all the children the same kind of Lockets, one at a time, and asked them to identify them by color and flavor. The children began to say:

Red............cherry
Yellow........lemon
Green........lime
Orange.....orange

Finally the professor gave them all honey lockets.
After eating them for a few minutes none of the children could identify the taste.
"Well"' he said, "I'll give you a clue. It's what your mother might sometimes call your father."

One little girl looked up in horror , spit hers out and yelled, "Oh, my God! They're assholes!"

[RB]

Demon: Why so glum?
Guy: What do you think? I'm in hell!
Demon: Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. Are you a drinking man?
Guy: Sure, I love to drink.
Demon: Well you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, diet tab and Fresca... we drink till we throw up and then we drink some more!
Guy: Gee that sounds great!
Demon: You a smoker?
Guy: You know it!
Demon: All right! You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer - no biggie- you're already dead, remember?
Guy: Wow...that's...awesome!
Demon: I bet you like to gamble.
Guy: Why, yes I do.
Demon: Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps, blackjack, Roulette, Poker, Slots, whatever... If you go Bankrupt...well, you're dead anyhow.
Demon: You into drugs?
Guy: Are you kidding? Love drugs! You don't mean?...
Demon: That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack, or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want; you're dead who cares! O.D.!!
Guy: WOW !! I never realized Hell was such a cool place!!
Demon: You gay?
Guy: No....
Demon: "Ooooh, you're gonna hate Fridays."

[PJ]

What's black and white and tells the pope to f*** off?


A nun with 8 score draws...