My girlfriend walked into a shop to buy curtains.
She went up to the salesman and said, "I want those curtains in pink, the size of my computer screen.
The salesman said, "Computers don't need curtains."
My girlfriend said, "Hellooo, I have windows!"
2120 replies to this topic
#581
RB
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Posted 04 June 2008 - 11:32 PM
Cyberpunk:- alienated loner who lives on the edge of society in generally dystopic future where daily life is impacted by rapid technological change, an ubiquitous datasphere of computerized information, and invasive modification of the human body.....Hmmmmm
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#582
mazooma
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I'm not dead yet
Posted 05 June 2008 - 05:57 PM
June 5
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If a tax inspector and a used car salesman were both drowning, would you only save one of them, would you go to lunch or keep reading the paper?
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If a tax inspector and a used car salesman were both drowning, would you only save one of them, would you go to lunch or keep reading the paper?
Where you came from, is gone.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
#583
RB
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Posted 05 June 2008 - 06:05 PM
Two drunks were staggering home one night when they passed the local brewery which was lit up. One said 'It's good to know that no matter how much we drink they are still able to supply enough.'
'Maybe,' said his friend, 'but I see that we have them working nights'
'Maybe,' said his friend, 'but I see that we have them working nights'
Cyberpunk:- alienated loner who lives on the edge of society in generally dystopic future where daily life is impacted by rapid technological change, an ubiquitous datasphere of computerized information, and invasive modification of the human body.....Hmmmmm
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#584
mazooma
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I'm not dead yet
Posted 06 June 2008 - 06:38 PM
June 6
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A tourist in Scotland asks the guide, "When does the Loch Ness monster show up?"
The guide answers, "Usually after the fifth shot of whisky."
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A tourist in Scotland asks the guide, "When does the Loch Ness monster show up?"
The guide answers, "Usually after the fifth shot of whisky."
Where you came from, is gone.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
#585
RB
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Posted 06 June 2008 - 11:18 PM
Three tourists were driving through Wales.
As they were approaching Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town's name.
They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch.
As they stood at the counter one asked the blonde employee, "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us?
Would you please pronounce where we are... very slowly?"
The girl leaned over the counter and said, "Burrrrrr, gerrrrrr, Kiiiiiing."
:devil:
As they were approaching Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town's name.
They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch.
As they stood at the counter one asked the blonde employee, "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us?
Would you please pronounce where we are... very slowly?"
The girl leaned over the counter and said, "Burrrrrr, gerrrrrr, Kiiiiiing."
:devil:
Cyberpunk:- alienated loner who lives on the edge of society in generally dystopic future where daily life is impacted by rapid technological change, an ubiquitous datasphere of computerized information, and invasive modification of the human body.....Hmmmmm
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#586
mazooma
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I'm not dead yet
Posted 07 June 2008 - 10:08 AM
June 7 - Come on RB, I posted that one on April 7th
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Lawyer: This condition you have, does it affect your memory?
Witness: Yes, it makes me forget things.
Lawyer: It makes you forget things. Can you give me an example of something you've forgotten?
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Lawyer: This condition you have, does it affect your memory?
Witness: Yes, it makes me forget things.
Lawyer: It makes you forget things. Can you give me an example of something you've forgotten?
Where you came from, is gone.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
#587
RB
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PISH Artist
Posted 07 June 2008 - 02:50 PM
A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest.
After 15 minutes of this, the man finally gets up and says, "Damn, I wish I had a flashlight."
The woman says, "So do I. You've been eating grass for the past ten minutes!"
After 15 minutes of this, the man finally gets up and says, "Damn, I wish I had a flashlight."
The woman says, "So do I. You've been eating grass for the past ten minutes!"
Cyberpunk:- alienated loner who lives on the edge of society in generally dystopic future where daily life is impacted by rapid technological change, an ubiquitous datasphere of computerized information, and invasive modification of the human body.....Hmmmmm
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#588
mazooma
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I'm not dead yet
Posted 08 June 2008 - 08:29 AM
June 8
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Charles Dickens walked into a bar the other day and asked for a martini, but walked out again when the barman asked, "Olive or twist?"
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Charles Dickens walked into a bar the other day and asked for a martini, but walked out again when the barman asked, "Olive or twist?"
Where you came from, is gone.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
#589
RB
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Posted 08 June 2008 - 06:45 PM
Two policemen are called to the scene of a crime in a convenience store. One asks the manager what happened.
He replies "There's a man over there covered in Corn Flakes and he's dead."
"That's odd," said the first policeman, "didn't we have one covered in Bran Flakes yesterday? And another covered in Wheata Flakes last week?"
"Your right" said the second policeman. "This must be the work of a cereal killer."
He replies "There's a man over there covered in Corn Flakes and he's dead."
"That's odd," said the first policeman, "didn't we have one covered in Bran Flakes yesterday? And another covered in Wheata Flakes last week?"
"Your right" said the second policeman. "This must be the work of a cereal killer."
Cyberpunk:- alienated loner who lives on the edge of society in generally dystopic future where daily life is impacted by rapid technological change, an ubiquitous datasphere of computerized information, and invasive modification of the human body.....Hmmmmm
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#590
korax1214
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Posted 09 June 2008 - 02:28 AM
How many England soccer-squad managers does it take to change a lightbulb? None -- the bulb always worked before. How many programmers does it take to change a lightbulb? None -- it's a hardware problem. How many Microsoft programmers does it take to change a lightbulb? Bulb uninstallation has been disabled in this version.
#591
korax1214
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Posted 09 June 2008 - 02:34 AM
Sign on the door of the London Weather Centre: "Wet paint, becoming dry later"
#592
raverpat
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Retired punter of 16 years
Posted 09 June 2008 - 10:52 AM
Paddy crawls into the doctors surgery in agony. The doctor asks him 'What the problem is?' Paddy says 'Doc I am in agony, I have burnt my feet'.
The doctor then asked, 'Really, how did you manage to do that?'
Paddy explained, 'On my way home from work I stopped at the Coop to pick up some dessert.
I bought one of those sponge syrup puddings, read the instructions, and it said stand in boiling water!'
The doctor then asked, 'Really, how did you manage to do that?'
Paddy explained, 'On my way home from work I stopped at the Coop to pick up some dessert.
I bought one of those sponge syrup puddings, read the instructions, and it said stand in boiling water!'
Let's smash Partytime.
#593
dingleclaret
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Posted 09 June 2008 - 12:37 PM
Elton and David in bed one morning when the doorbell rings, Elton gets up to answer the door and turns round to david and says "no $&%#ing while im gone ok "
5 minutes later Elton comes back into the room and its covered in spunk angry he says " I said no $&%#ing while im gone " David replies "I never I just farted
5 minutes later Elton comes back into the room and its covered in spunk angry he says " I said no $&%#ing while im gone " David replies "I never I just farted
#594
mazooma
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I'm not dead yet
Posted 09 June 2008 - 05:26 PM
June 9
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What do you get when you cross LSD with birth control?
A trip without the kids.
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What do you get when you cross LSD with birth control?
A trip without the kids.
Where you came from, is gone.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
#595
RB
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Posted 09 June 2008 - 07:19 PM
I need some advice on what could be a life changing decision.
I've suspected for some time now that my girlfriend has been having an affair. The usual signs. Phone rings, I answer, someone hangs up.
She started going out 'with the girls' a lot recently, although when I ask which girls it is always "Just some friends from work, you don't know them".
I always look out for her taxi coming home but she always walks down the drive although I can hear a car setting off. As if she has got out of the car round the corner. Why? Is it not a taxi?
I once picked her mobile up just to see what time it was and she went beserk and screamed that I should never touch her phone again and why was I checking up on her.
Anyway, I have never approached the subject with my g/f. I think deep down I just didn't want to know the truth but last night she went out again and I decided to check on her.
I decided I was going to hide behind my car which would give me a veiw of the whole street so I could see which car she gets out of. It was whilst crouched behind my car that I noticed rust around my rear wheel arch.
So what should I do?
Should I take it into a body repair shop or should I buy some stuff from Halfords and try to repair it myself?
I've suspected for some time now that my girlfriend has been having an affair. The usual signs. Phone rings, I answer, someone hangs up.
She started going out 'with the girls' a lot recently, although when I ask which girls it is always "Just some friends from work, you don't know them".
I always look out for her taxi coming home but she always walks down the drive although I can hear a car setting off. As if she has got out of the car round the corner. Why? Is it not a taxi?
I once picked her mobile up just to see what time it was and she went beserk and screamed that I should never touch her phone again and why was I checking up on her.
Anyway, I have never approached the subject with my g/f. I think deep down I just didn't want to know the truth but last night she went out again and I decided to check on her.
I decided I was going to hide behind my car which would give me a veiw of the whole street so I could see which car she gets out of. It was whilst crouched behind my car that I noticed rust around my rear wheel arch.
So what should I do?
Should I take it into a body repair shop or should I buy some stuff from Halfords and try to repair it myself?
Cyberpunk:- alienated loner who lives on the edge of society in generally dystopic future where daily life is impacted by rapid technological change, an ubiquitous datasphere of computerized information, and invasive modification of the human body.....Hmmmmm
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#596
mazooma
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I'm not dead yet
Posted 10 June 2008 - 04:55 PM
June 10
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A man is eating at a truck stop when three bikers come in. They spit in his drink, stub cigarettes in his food and turn over his plate, but he just gets up and leaves.
"Not much of a man, is he?" laugh the bikers.
"Not much of a driver either," says the waitress. "He's just backed his truck over three motorbikes."
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A man is eating at a truck stop when three bikers come in. They spit in his drink, stub cigarettes in his food and turn over his plate, but he just gets up and leaves.
"Not much of a man, is he?" laugh the bikers.
"Not much of a driver either," says the waitress. "He's just backed his truck over three motorbikes."
Where you came from, is gone.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
#598
RB
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PISH Artist
Posted 10 June 2008 - 10:36 PM
Mr. Bear and Mr. Rabbit didn't like each other very much and one day, whilst they were walking through the woods they came across a golden frog. The frog turned to them and said: "Ooh, I don't often meet anyone in these parts." They were amazed that the frog had talked to them.
The golden frog admitted: "Mind you, when I do meet someone I always give them six wishes. You can have three wishes each in this case.
Mr. Bear immediately wished that all the other bears in the forest were females. The frog granted his wish.
Mr. Rabbit, after thinking for a while, wished for a crash helmet. One appeared immediately, and he placed it on his head.
Mr. Bear was amazed at Mr. Rabbit's wish, but carried on with his second wish. He wished that all the bears in the neighboring forests were females as well, and the frog granted his wish.
Mr. Rabbit then wished for a motorcycle. It appeared before him, and he climbed on board and started revving the engine.
Mr. Bear could not believe it and complained that Mr. Rabbit had wasted two wishes that he could have had for himself. Shaking his head, Mr. Bear made his final wish, that all the other bears in the world were females as well, leaving him as the only male bear in the world.
The frog replied that it had been done, and they both turned to Mr. Rabbit for his last wish.
Mr. Rabbit revved the engine, thought for a second, then said: "I wish that Mr. Bear was gay!" and rode off as fast as he could!
The golden frog admitted: "Mind you, when I do meet someone I always give them six wishes. You can have three wishes each in this case.
Mr. Bear immediately wished that all the other bears in the forest were females. The frog granted his wish.
Mr. Rabbit, after thinking for a while, wished for a crash helmet. One appeared immediately, and he placed it on his head.
Mr. Bear was amazed at Mr. Rabbit's wish, but carried on with his second wish. He wished that all the bears in the neighboring forests were females as well, and the frog granted his wish.
Mr. Rabbit then wished for a motorcycle. It appeared before him, and he climbed on board and started revving the engine.
Mr. Bear could not believe it and complained that Mr. Rabbit had wasted two wishes that he could have had for himself. Shaking his head, Mr. Bear made his final wish, that all the other bears in the world were females as well, leaving him as the only male bear in the world.
The frog replied that it had been done, and they both turned to Mr. Rabbit for his last wish.
Mr. Rabbit revved the engine, thought for a second, then said: "I wish that Mr. Bear was gay!" and rode off as fast as he could!
Cyberpunk:- alienated loner who lives on the edge of society in generally dystopic future where daily life is impacted by rapid technological change, an ubiquitous datasphere of computerized information, and invasive modification of the human body.....Hmmmmm
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#599
Gazeyre1966
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The furniture
Posted 10 June 2008 - 10:42 PM
A man buys his nagging wife a rocket for her birthday.
Wife opens the present and asks "What do I want a rocket for?"
The man replies "Well...you've been asking for space for ages, now f*** OFF!!!!!!".
Wife opens the present and asks "What do I want a rocket for?"
The man replies "Well...you've been asking for space for ages, now f*** OFF!!!!!!".
<span style='font-family: Comic Sans MS'><span style='font-size: 12px;'>It's all done in the best possible taste. 
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#600
mazooma
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I'm not dead yet
Posted 11 June 2008 - 06:14 PM
June 11
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What's black and blue and brown, and lying in a ditch?
A brunette who'd told too many blonde jokes.
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What's black and blue and brown, and lying in a ditch?
A brunette who'd told too many blonde jokes.
Where you came from, is gone.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
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