A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.
The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal, its throat was very small.
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.
The little girl said, 'When I get to heaven, I will ask Jonah.'
The teacher asked, 'What if Jonah went to hell?'
The little girl replied, 'Then you ask him.'
2120 replies to this topic
#601
RB
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Posted 11 June 2008 - 07:13 PM
Cyberpunk:- alienated loner who lives on the edge of society in generally dystopic future where daily life is impacted by rapid technological change, an ubiquitous datasphere of computerized information, and invasive modification of the human body.....Hmmmmm
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#602
RB
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Posted 11 June 2008 - 09:08 PM
I rang up my local swimming baths.
I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?'
He said 'It depends where you're calling from."
I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?'
He said 'It depends where you're calling from."
Cyberpunk:- alienated loner who lives on the edge of society in generally dystopic future where daily life is impacted by rapid technological change, an ubiquitous datasphere of computerized information, and invasive modification of the human body.....Hmmmmm
[SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]
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#603
mazooma
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I'm not dead yet
Posted 12 June 2008 - 06:46 PM
June 12
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A young man shows his friends his new apartmant. They ask about the brass gong in one corner. "Oh, that's the talking clock," the man replied.
"What do you mean?" ask his friends.
The man walks over to the gong and starts beating it. A minute later, a voice screams, "Cut it out, you idiot, it's 2 a.m.!"
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A young man shows his friends his new apartmant. They ask about the brass gong in one corner. "Oh, that's the talking clock," the man replied.
"What do you mean?" ask his friends.
The man walks over to the gong and starts beating it. A minute later, a voice screams, "Cut it out, you idiot, it's 2 a.m.!"
Where you came from, is gone.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
#604
raverpat
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Retired punter of 16 years
Posted 12 June 2008 - 07:25 PM
William Shakespeare walks into a pub. The landlord says, 'Sorry mate, your'e bard'.
Let's smash Partytime.
#605
boromag
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Posted 12 June 2008 - 08:27 PM
A dog walked into a Western Union office and asked to send a telegram. "Certainly sir" said the assistant, "What would you like to like to say?" "Well," replied the dog, "Just a quick message to say Wuf-Wuf, Wuf-Wuf-Wuf, Wuf, Wuf, Wuf-Wuf-Wuf". The assistant replied "For an extra 10p you can add an extra Wuf if you like?" "Don't be silly" the dog replied, "Now that just wouldn't make sense"
#606
mazooma
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I'm not dead yet
Posted 13 June 2008 - 07:38 PM
Friday 13th June - Mwahahahaha
--------------------------------
A racehorse owner stormed up to the jockey after his horse came last in a race. "Jimmy, couldn't you have run any faster then that?" he yelled.
The jockey replied, "Well, yeah, but you see we have to stay on the horse."
--------------------------------
A racehorse owner stormed up to the jockey after his horse came last in a race. "Jimmy, couldn't you have run any faster then that?" he yelled.
The jockey replied, "Well, yeah, but you see we have to stay on the horse."
Where you came from, is gone.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
#607
RB
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Posted 13 June 2008 - 07:54 PM
A solution to all of your drinking troubles
Symptom: Drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste; shirt front is wet.
Fault: Mouth not open or glass being applied to wrong part of face.
Solution: Buy another pint and practice in front of a mirror. Continue with as many pints as necessary until drinking technique is perfect.
Symptom: Drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste; beer unusually pale and clear.
Fault: Glass is empty.
Solution: Find someone who will buy you another pint.
Symptom: Feet cold and wet.
Fault: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
Solution: Turn glass so that open end is pointing at ceiling.
Symptom: Feet warm and wet.
Fault: Loss of self-control.
Solution: Go and stand beside nearest dog - After a while complain to its owner about its lack of house training.
Symptom: Bar blurred.
Fault: You are looking through the bottom of your empty glass.
Solution: Find someone who will buy you another pint.
Symptom: Bar swaying.
Fault: Air turbulence unusually high - maybe due to darts match in progress.
Solution: Insert broom handle down back of jacket.
Symptom: Bar moving.
Fault: You are being carried out.
Solution: Find out if you are being taken to another bar - if not complain loudly that you are being hi-jacked.
Symptom: The opposite wall is covered in ceiling tiles and has a fluorescent strip across it.
Fault: You have fallen over backwards.
Solution: If glass is still full, and no one is standing on your drinking arm, stay put. If not, get someone to lift you up and lash you to the bar.
Symptom: Everything has gone dim and you have a mouth full of teeth and dog-ends.
Fault: You have fallen over forwards.
Solution: Same as for falling over backwards.
Symptom: You have woken up to find your bed cold, hard and wet. You cannot see your bedroom walls or ceiling.
Fault: You have spent the night in the gutter.
Solution: Check your watch to see if its opening time - if not treat yourself to a lie in.
Symptom: Everything has gone dim.
Fault: The pub is closing.
Solution: Panic.
Symptom: Drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste; shirt front is wet.
Fault: Mouth not open or glass being applied to wrong part of face.
Solution: Buy another pint and practice in front of a mirror. Continue with as many pints as necessary until drinking technique is perfect.
Symptom: Drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste; beer unusually pale and clear.
Fault: Glass is empty.
Solution: Find someone who will buy you another pint.
Symptom: Feet cold and wet.
Fault: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
Solution: Turn glass so that open end is pointing at ceiling.
Symptom: Feet warm and wet.
Fault: Loss of self-control.
Solution: Go and stand beside nearest dog - After a while complain to its owner about its lack of house training.
Symptom: Bar blurred.
Fault: You are looking through the bottom of your empty glass.
Solution: Find someone who will buy you another pint.
Symptom: Bar swaying.
Fault: Air turbulence unusually high - maybe due to darts match in progress.
Solution: Insert broom handle down back of jacket.
Symptom: Bar moving.
Fault: You are being carried out.
Solution: Find out if you are being taken to another bar - if not complain loudly that you are being hi-jacked.
Symptom: The opposite wall is covered in ceiling tiles and has a fluorescent strip across it.
Fault: You have fallen over backwards.
Solution: If glass is still full, and no one is standing on your drinking arm, stay put. If not, get someone to lift you up and lash you to the bar.
Symptom: Everything has gone dim and you have a mouth full of teeth and dog-ends.
Fault: You have fallen over forwards.
Solution: Same as for falling over backwards.
Symptom: You have woken up to find your bed cold, hard and wet. You cannot see your bedroom walls or ceiling.
Fault: You have spent the night in the gutter.
Solution: Check your watch to see if its opening time - if not treat yourself to a lie in.
Symptom: Everything has gone dim.
Fault: The pub is closing.
Solution: Panic.
Cyberpunk:- alienated loner who lives on the edge of society in generally dystopic future where daily life is impacted by rapid technological change, an ubiquitous datasphere of computerized information, and invasive modification of the human body.....Hmmmmm
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#608
todd1970
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The furniture
Posted 14 June 2008 - 07:47 AM
Copied and pasted from e-mail recieved...I love reading things like this. 
UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE (BBC2)
Jeremy Paxman: What is another name for 'cherrypickers' and
cheesemongers'?
Contestant: Homosexuals.
Paxman: No. They're regiments in the British Army who will be very
upset with you.
____________________________________________
BEG, BORROW OR STEAL (BBC2)
Jamie Theakston: Where do you think Cambridge University is?
Contestant: Geography isn't my strong point.
Theakston: There's a clue in the title.
Contestant: Leicester.
______________________________________________
BBC NORFOLK
Stewart White: Who had a worldwide hit with What A Wonderful World?
Contestant: I don't know.
White: I'll give you some clues: what do you call the part between your
hand and your elbow?
Contestant: Arm.
White: Correct. And if you're not weak, you're...?
Contestant: Strong.
White: Correct - and what was Lord Mountbatten's first name?
Contestant: Louis.
White: Well, there we are then. So who had a worldwide hit with the
song What A Wonderful World?
Contestant: Frank Sinatra?
__________________________________________
LATE SHOW (BBC MIDLANDS)
Alex Trelinski: What is the capital of Italy?
Contestant: France.
Trelinski: France is another country. Try again.
Contestant: Oh, um, Benidorm.
Trelinski: Wrong, sorry, let's try another question. In which country
is the Parthenon?
Contestant: Sorry, I don't know.
Trelinski: Just guess a country then.
Contestant: Paris
__________________________________________
THE WEAKEST LINK (BBC2)
Anne Robinson:- Oscar Wilde, Adolf Hitler and Jeffrey Archer have all
written books about their experiences in what:- Prison, or The
Conservative Party?
Contestant: The Conservative Party.
_____________________________________________
BEACON RADIO (WOLVERHAMPTON)
DJ Mark: For Pounds 10, what is the nationality of the Pope?
Ruth from Rowley Regis: I think I know that one. Is it Jewish?
_______________________________________________
GWR FM (Bristol)
Presenter: What happened in Dallas on November 22, 1963?
Contestant: I don't know, I wasn't watching it then.
________________________________________________
RTE RADIO 2FM (IRELAND)
Presenter: What is the name of the long- running TV comedy show about
pensioners: Last Of The...?
Caller: Mohicans.
__________________________________________________
PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC RADIO MANCHESTER)
Phil: What's 11 squared?
Contestant: I don't know.
Phil: I'll give you a clue. It's two ones with a two in the Middle.
Contestant: Is it five?
___________________________________________________
LINCS FM PHONE-IN
Presenter: Which is the largest Spanish-speaking country in the world?>
Contestant: Barcelona.
Presenter: I was really after the name of a country.
Contestant: I'm sorry; I don't know the names of any countries in
Spain.
__________________________________________________
CHRIS SEARLE SHOW (BBC RADIO BRISTOL)
Searle: In which European country is Mount Etna?
Caller: Japan.
Searle: I did say which European country, so in case you didn't hear
that,
I can let you try again.
Caller: Er.... Mexico?
__________________________________________________
DARYL DENHAM'S DRIVETIME (VIRGIN RADIO) Daryl Denham:
In which country would you spend shekels?
Contestant: Holland?
Denham: Try the next letter of the alphabet.
Contestant: Iceland? Ireland?
Denham (helpfully): It's a bad line. Did you say Israel?
Contestant: No.
__________________________________________________
PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC GMR)
Wood: What 'K' could be described as the Islamic Bible?
Contestant: Er . .. .
Wood: It's got two syllables . . . Kor . . .
Contestant: Blimey?
Wood: Ha ha ha ha, no. The past participle of run . . .
Contestant: (Silence)
Wood: OK, try it another way. Today I run, yesterday I .. . .
Contestant: Walked?
_______________________________________
STEVE WRIGHT IN THE AFTERNOON (BBC RADIO 2)
Wright: Johnny Weissmuller died on this day. Which jungle-swinging
character clad only in a loin cloth did he play?
Contestant: Jesus
UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE (BBC2)
Jeremy Paxman: What is another name for 'cherrypickers' and
cheesemongers'?
Contestant: Homosexuals.
Paxman: No. They're regiments in the British Army who will be very
upset with you.
____________________________________________
BEG, BORROW OR STEAL (BBC2)
Jamie Theakston: Where do you think Cambridge University is?
Contestant: Geography isn't my strong point.
Theakston: There's a clue in the title.
Contestant: Leicester.
______________________________________________
BBC NORFOLK
Stewart White: Who had a worldwide hit with What A Wonderful World?
Contestant: I don't know.
White: I'll give you some clues: what do you call the part between your
hand and your elbow?
Contestant: Arm.
White: Correct. And if you're not weak, you're...?
Contestant: Strong.
White: Correct - and what was Lord Mountbatten's first name?
Contestant: Louis.
White: Well, there we are then. So who had a worldwide hit with the
song What A Wonderful World?
Contestant: Frank Sinatra?
__________________________________________
LATE SHOW (BBC MIDLANDS)
Alex Trelinski: What is the capital of Italy?
Contestant: France.
Trelinski: France is another country. Try again.
Contestant: Oh, um, Benidorm.
Trelinski: Wrong, sorry, let's try another question. In which country
is the Parthenon?
Contestant: Sorry, I don't know.
Trelinski: Just guess a country then.
Contestant: Paris
__________________________________________
THE WEAKEST LINK (BBC2)
Anne Robinson:- Oscar Wilde, Adolf Hitler and Jeffrey Archer have all
written books about their experiences in what:- Prison, or The
Conservative Party?
Contestant: The Conservative Party.
_____________________________________________
BEACON RADIO (WOLVERHAMPTON)
DJ Mark: For Pounds 10, what is the nationality of the Pope?
Ruth from Rowley Regis: I think I know that one. Is it Jewish?
_______________________________________________
GWR FM (Bristol)
Presenter: What happened in Dallas on November 22, 1963?
Contestant: I don't know, I wasn't watching it then.
________________________________________________
RTE RADIO 2FM (IRELAND)
Presenter: What is the name of the long- running TV comedy show about
pensioners: Last Of The...?
Caller: Mohicans.
__________________________________________________
PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC RADIO MANCHESTER)
Phil: What's 11 squared?
Contestant: I don't know.
Phil: I'll give you a clue. It's two ones with a two in the Middle.
Contestant: Is it five?
___________________________________________________
LINCS FM PHONE-IN
Presenter: Which is the largest Spanish-speaking country in the world?>
Contestant: Barcelona.
Presenter: I was really after the name of a country.
Contestant: I'm sorry; I don't know the names of any countries in
Spain.
__________________________________________________
CHRIS SEARLE SHOW (BBC RADIO BRISTOL)
Searle: In which European country is Mount Etna?
Caller: Japan.
Searle: I did say which European country, so in case you didn't hear
that,
I can let you try again.
Caller: Er.... Mexico?
__________________________________________________
DARYL DENHAM'S DRIVETIME (VIRGIN RADIO) Daryl Denham:
In which country would you spend shekels?
Contestant: Holland?
Denham: Try the next letter of the alphabet.
Contestant: Iceland? Ireland?
Denham (helpfully): It's a bad line. Did you say Israel?
Contestant: No.
__________________________________________________
PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC GMR)
Wood: What 'K' could be described as the Islamic Bible?
Contestant: Er . .. .
Wood: It's got two syllables . . . Kor . . .
Contestant: Blimey?
Wood: Ha ha ha ha, no. The past participle of run . . .
Contestant: (Silence)
Wood: OK, try it another way. Today I run, yesterday I .. . .
Contestant: Walked?
_______________________________________
STEVE WRIGHT IN THE AFTERNOON (BBC RADIO 2)
Wright: Johnny Weissmuller died on this day. Which jungle-swinging
character clad only in a loin cloth did he play?
Contestant: Jesus
Mmmmmm...Sandy ive 'ad her ye know. 
#609
RB
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PISH Artist
Posted 14 June 2008 - 08:23 AM
A motorway walks into a pub one day. He goes up to the bar and orders himself a drink. He just sits down when in walks a strip of tarmac.
The motorway sees the tarmac and starts to panic so he jumps over the bar and ducks down so it won't see him. The barman looks down at him and says, "What's the matter with you? Why are you hiding? You've got six lanes and two hard shoulders. Why are you frightened of a piece of tarmac?
The motorway replies, "You don't know him like I do. He's a cyclepath."
The motorway sees the tarmac and starts to panic so he jumps over the bar and ducks down so it won't see him. The barman looks down at him and says, "What's the matter with you? Why are you hiding? You've got six lanes and two hard shoulders. Why are you frightened of a piece of tarmac?
The motorway replies, "You don't know him like I do. He's a cyclepath."
Cyberpunk:- alienated loner who lives on the edge of society in generally dystopic future where daily life is impacted by rapid technological change, an ubiquitous datasphere of computerized information, and invasive modification of the human body.....Hmmmmm
[SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]
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#610
mazooma
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- Regulars
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- 915 posts
I'm not dead yet
Posted 14 June 2008 - 11:37 AM
June 14
-------
Give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day.
Teach him how to fish and you'll get rid of him for a whole weekend.
-------
Give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day.
Teach him how to fish and you'll get rid of him for a whole weekend.
Where you came from, is gone.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
#611
RB
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- Layout Creator
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- 3342 posts
PISH Artist
Posted 14 June 2008 - 08:11 PM
Two eggs boiling in a pan, one male and one female.
The female egg says "Look, I've got a crack"
"No good telling me" replies the male egg "I'm not hard yet"
The female egg says "Look, I've got a crack"
"No good telling me" replies the male egg "I'm not hard yet"
Cyberpunk:- alienated loner who lives on the edge of society in generally dystopic future where daily life is impacted by rapid technological change, an ubiquitous datasphere of computerized information, and invasive modification of the human body.....Hmmmmm
[SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]
[SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]
#612
mazooma
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- Regulars
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- 915 posts
I'm not dead yet
Posted 15 June 2008 - 09:45 AM
June 15
-------
A grasshopper walks into a bar.
The barman says, "Hey, we've got a drink named after you."
The grasshopper replies, "What? Greg?"
-------
A grasshopper walks into a bar.
The barman says, "Hey, we've got a drink named after you."
The grasshopper replies, "What? Greg?"
Where you came from, is gone.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
#613
RB
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- Layout Creator
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- 3342 posts
PISH Artist
Posted 15 June 2008 - 10:00 AM
Mickey goes to the judge after speaking to him before about getting a divorce with Minney.
The judge says "I'm sorry Mickey but I couldn't find grounds for divorce for being insane.
Mickey looks stunned and says "I didn't say she was insane I said she was f*****g Goofy!!"
The judge says "I'm sorry Mickey but I couldn't find grounds for divorce for being insane.
Mickey looks stunned and says "I didn't say she was insane I said she was f*****g Goofy!!"
Cyberpunk:- alienated loner who lives on the edge of society in generally dystopic future where daily life is impacted by rapid technological change, an ubiquitous datasphere of computerized information, and invasive modification of the human body.....Hmmmmm
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#614
chris2304
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- Banned
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- 15 posts
Banned
Posted 15 June 2008 - 10:02 AM
have u ever wondered if ur mum has kissed u good nigth after givin ur dad a blow job i bet u are now ur turn 2 ruin someone elses day
#615
chris2304
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- Banned
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- 15 posts
Banned
Posted 15 June 2008 - 10:04 AM
women r magic creatures. they get wet without water.bleed with out being injured.giv milk with out gatin grass & can make boneless meat rock hard!
#616
chris2304
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- Banned
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- 15 posts
Banned
Posted 15 June 2008 - 10:14 AM
wife is in labour shoutin the usual shit' get this out of me! give me the drugs! she turns 2 her husband and says u did this 2 me he replies casually if u remember i wanted 2 stick it up ur arse so its ur own f***in fault!!
#617
chris2304
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- Banned
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- 15 posts
Banned
Posted 15 June 2008 - 10:22 AM
which is odd 1 out 1.toaster. 2.washing machine 3.dish washer 4.women answer= a toaster its the only 1 that doesnt drip wen its f***ed
#618
chris2304
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- Banned
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- 15 posts
Banned
Posted 15 June 2008 - 10:28 AM
husband & wife shopping at tesco husband puts 10 cans of stella in trolly,wife takes them out saying they cost £10 they r 2 expensive. further down the aisle she puts a £20 jar of face cream in trolley he says hold on thats 2 expensive she says it makes me look so sexy he says so does 10 cans of stella but at half THE f*****g PRICE!
#619
chris2304
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- Banned
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- 15 posts
Banned
Posted 15 June 2008 - 10:52 AM
Valentines!Flowers £20. Dinner and film £70. Holel room afterwards £200. the look on his face when you tell him your on your period....f*****g PRICELESS!
#620
chris2304
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- Banned
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- 15 posts
Banned
Posted 15 June 2008 - 11:02 AM
Man goes 2 fancy dress party wearing only a glass jar on his penis. Lady asks what r u?He says:a fireman;break the glass,pull knob & i'll come as fast as i can!
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