July 6
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Announcement on a flight to Chicago:
"Welcome abord flight 392 to Chicago. To operate you seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle and pull tight. It works just like any other seatbelt. If you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."
2120 replies to this topic
#661
mazooma
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I'm not dead yet
Posted 06 July 2008 - 03:08 PM
Where you came from, is gone.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
#662
Gazeyre1966
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The furniture
Posted 06 July 2008 - 04:07 PM
An octopus walks into a bar and declares "I can play any musical instrument you ask me to".
An Englishman throws him a guitar which he plays better than Hendrix.
An Irishman gives him a piano which he plays better than Liberace and Elton put together.
A Scotsman throws him a set of bagpipes.
The octopus fumbles around for a couple of minutes and eventually the Scotsman gets fed up and shouts "Whit's wrang. Can ye no play them?"
The Octopus looks at the Scots guy and says "Play them? As soon as I get her pyjamas off I'm gonna f*** the shit out of her!!!"
An Englishman throws him a guitar which he plays better than Hendrix.
An Irishman gives him a piano which he plays better than Liberace and Elton put together.
A Scotsman throws him a set of bagpipes.
The octopus fumbles around for a couple of minutes and eventually the Scotsman gets fed up and shouts "Whit's wrang. Can ye no play them?"
The Octopus looks at the Scots guy and says "Play them? As soon as I get her pyjamas off I'm gonna f*** the shit out of her!!!"
<span style='font-family: Comic Sans MS'><span style='font-size: 12px;'>It's all done in the best possible taste. 
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#663
mazooma
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Posted 07 July 2008 - 06:50 PM
July 7 - Remember.
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Answers from college history exams:
Queen Victoria was the longest queen. She sat on a thorn for 63 years. Her death was the final event which ended her reign.
Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling him.
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Answers from college history exams:
Queen Victoria was the longest queen. She sat on a thorn for 63 years. Her death was the final event which ended her reign.
Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling him.
Where you came from, is gone.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
#664
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Posted 07 July 2008 - 07:05 PM
Down in the valley,Where the green grass grows,
There lives an old lady,Without any clothes,
Along comes a soldier boy,Chip, Chop, Chop,
Down with his pants,And out with his cock,
Three months later,Starting to swell,
Six months later,All is well,
Then nine months later,Snap, Crackle, Pop,
Out comes a baby,with a big mangled cock,
Ladies and gent's that's not all,
The poor little bastard,Had just one ball!
There lives an old lady,Without any clothes,
Along comes a soldier boy,Chip, Chop, Chop,
Down with his pants,And out with his cock,
Three months later,Starting to swell,
Six months later,All is well,
Then nine months later,Snap, Crackle, Pop,
Out comes a baby,with a big mangled cock,
Ladies and gent's that's not all,
The poor little bastard,Had just one ball!
Cyberpunk:- alienated loner who lives on the edge of society in generally dystopic future where daily life is impacted by rapid technological change, an ubiquitous datasphere of computerized information, and invasive modification of the human body.....Hmmmmm
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#665
mazooma
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I'm not dead yet
Posted 08 July 2008 - 06:55 PM
July 8
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Seen on a bumper sticker:
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
If ignorance is bliss, why aren't more people happy?
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Seen on a bumper sticker:
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
If ignorance is bliss, why aren't more people happy?
Where you came from, is gone.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
#666
Gazeyre1966
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The furniture
Posted 08 July 2008 - 11:03 PM
Back on the Octopus jokes.
A man walks into a restaurant and asks for boiled octopus on the menu.
After half an hour the man hasn't received his meal yet so he shouts the waiter over.
Waiter says "Sorry for the delay but we are having problems".
Another half an hour goes by so the diner shouts the waiter over again. "Excuse me waiter...I ordered boiled octopus an hour ago and it still hasn't arrived. Is there a problem?".
The waiter aplogises again and goes to the kitchen.
A minute later he comes back.
"Well", says the customer, "what's the delay?".
"It keeps turning the gas off" says the waiter.
A man walks into a restaurant and asks for boiled octopus on the menu.
After half an hour the man hasn't received his meal yet so he shouts the waiter over.
Waiter says "Sorry for the delay but we are having problems".
Another half an hour goes by so the diner shouts the waiter over again. "Excuse me waiter...I ordered boiled octopus an hour ago and it still hasn't arrived. Is there a problem?".
The waiter aplogises again and goes to the kitchen.
A minute later he comes back.
"Well", says the customer, "what's the delay?".
"It keeps turning the gas off" says the waiter.
<span style='font-family: Comic Sans MS'><span style='font-size: 12px;'>It's all done in the best possible taste. </span></span>
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#667
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Posted 08 July 2008 - 11:57 PM
Gonna Watch My Wedding Video Later....backwards!
Coz I Love The End Bit Where She Takes The Ring Off Her Finger
Goes Back Down The Ailse
Jumps In The Car And f***s Off....
Coz I Love The End Bit Where She Takes The Ring Off Her Finger
Goes Back Down The Ailse
Jumps In The Car And f***s Off....
Cyberpunk:- alienated loner who lives on the edge of society in generally dystopic future where daily life is impacted by rapid technological change, an ubiquitous datasphere of computerized information, and invasive modification of the human body.....Hmmmmm
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#668
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Posted 09 July 2008 - 12:02 AM
There are two statues in a park; one of a nude man and one of a nude woman. They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred years, when one day an angel comes down from the sky and,
with a single gesture, brings the two to life. The angel tells them, 'As a reward for being so patient through a hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty minutes to do what you've wished to do the most.'He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running
behind the shrubbery.
The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling ensues.
After fifteen minutes, the two return, out of breath and laughing. The angel tells them, 'Um, you have fifteen minutes left, 'Would you care to do it again?'
He asks her 'Shall we?' She eagerly replies, 'Oh, yes, let's! But let's change positions. This time, I'll hold the pigeon down and you shit on its head.'
with a single gesture, brings the two to life. The angel tells them, 'As a reward for being so patient through a hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty minutes to do what you've wished to do the most.'He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running
behind the shrubbery.
The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling ensues.
After fifteen minutes, the two return, out of breath and laughing. The angel tells them, 'Um, you have fifteen minutes left, 'Would you care to do it again?'
He asks her 'Shall we?' She eagerly replies, 'Oh, yes, let's! But let's change positions. This time, I'll hold the pigeon down and you shit on its head.'
Cyberpunk:- alienated loner who lives on the edge of society in generally dystopic future where daily life is impacted by rapid technological change, an ubiquitous datasphere of computerized information, and invasive modification of the human body.....Hmmmmm
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#669
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Posted 09 July 2008 - 12:10 AM
Two buddies, Bob and Larry, are getting very drunk at a bar when suddenly Larry throws up all over himself.
"Oh, no... Now my wife will kill me!"
Bob says, "Don't worry, pal. Just tuck a twenty in your breast pocket and tell your wife that someone threw up on you and gave you twenty quid for the dry cleaning bill."
So they stay for another couple of hours and get even drunker.
Eventually Larry stumbles home and his wife starts to give him a bad time. "You reek of alcohol and you've puked all over yourself! MyGod, you're disgusting!"
Speaking very carefully so as not to slur his words, Larry says, "Nowainaminit, I can e'splain everythin. Itsh snot wha jewthink. I only had a cupla drrrinks. But thiss other guy got ssick on me...he had one too many and he juss koudin hold hizz liquor He said hes was verrry sorry an' gave me twennie quid for the cleaning bill!"
His wife looks in the breast pocket and says, "But this is forty quid...."
"Oh, yeah... I almos' fergot, he shhhit in my pants, too."
"Oh, no... Now my wife will kill me!"
Bob says, "Don't worry, pal. Just tuck a twenty in your breast pocket and tell your wife that someone threw up on you and gave you twenty quid for the dry cleaning bill."
So they stay for another couple of hours and get even drunker.
Eventually Larry stumbles home and his wife starts to give him a bad time. "You reek of alcohol and you've puked all over yourself! MyGod, you're disgusting!"
Speaking very carefully so as not to slur his words, Larry says, "Nowainaminit, I can e'splain everythin. Itsh snot wha jewthink. I only had a cupla drrrinks. But thiss other guy got ssick on me...he had one too many and he juss koudin hold hizz liquor He said hes was verrry sorry an' gave me twennie quid for the cleaning bill!"
His wife looks in the breast pocket and says, "But this is forty quid...."
"Oh, yeah... I almos' fergot, he shhhit in my pants, too."
Cyberpunk:- alienated loner who lives on the edge of society in generally dystopic future where daily life is impacted by rapid technological change, an ubiquitous datasphere of computerized information, and invasive modification of the human body.....Hmmmmm
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#670
andymagic10
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Posted 09 July 2008 - 12:12 AM
lol 
to the wedding one RB
to the wedding one RB
#671
mazooma
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I'm not dead yet
Posted 09 July 2008 - 06:21 PM
July 9
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A tourist asked a local, "Have you lived here all your life?"
"Not yet," the local replied.
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A tourist asked a local, "Have you lived here all your life?"
"Not yet," the local replied.
Where you came from, is gone.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
#672
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Posted 09 July 2008 - 06:30 PM
I've often been asked, 'what do you old guys do now that you're retired?'
Well, I have a friend who hangs out with me. He has a chemical engineering background and one of the things we enjoy most is turning beer, wine, whiskey, vodka, tequila, and martinis into urine.
And, we're pretty damn good at it.
Well, I have a friend who hangs out with me. He has a chemical engineering background and one of the things we enjoy most is turning beer, wine, whiskey, vodka, tequila, and martinis into urine.
And, we're pretty damn good at it.
Cyberpunk:- alienated loner who lives on the edge of society in generally dystopic future where daily life is impacted by rapid technological change, an ubiquitous datasphere of computerized information, and invasive modification of the human body.....Hmmmmm
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#673
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Posted 10 July 2008 - 10:32 AM
A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two plastic garbage bags with her, one in each hand. There's a hole in one of the bags, and every once in a while a £20 note is flying out of it onto the pavement.
Noticing this, a policeman stops her. "Ma'am, there are £20 notes falling out of that bag."
"Damn!" says the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can still find some. Thanks for the warning!"
"Well now, not so fast," says the cop. "How did you get all that money? Did you steal it?"
"Oh, no", says the little old lady. "You see, my back yard borders on the parking lot of the football stadium. Each time there's a game, a lot of fans come and pee in the bushes, right into my flower beds! So I go and stand behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper, and each time someone sticks his dick through the bushes, I say: £20 or off it comes!"
"Hey, not a bad idea!" laughs the cop. "Good luck! By the way, what's in the other bag?"
"Well", says the little old lady, "not all of 'em pays up!"
Noticing this, a policeman stops her. "Ma'am, there are £20 notes falling out of that bag."
"Damn!" says the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can still find some. Thanks for the warning!"
"Well now, not so fast," says the cop. "How did you get all that money? Did you steal it?"
"Oh, no", says the little old lady. "You see, my back yard borders on the parking lot of the football stadium. Each time there's a game, a lot of fans come and pee in the bushes, right into my flower beds! So I go and stand behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper, and each time someone sticks his dick through the bushes, I say: £20 or off it comes!"
"Hey, not a bad idea!" laughs the cop. "Good luck! By the way, what's in the other bag?"
"Well", says the little old lady, "not all of 'em pays up!"
Cyberpunk:- alienated loner who lives on the edge of society in generally dystopic future where daily life is impacted by rapid technological change, an ubiquitous datasphere of computerized information, and invasive modification of the human body.....Hmmmmm
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#674
mazooma
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I'm not dead yet
Posted 10 July 2008 - 06:54 PM
July 10 - Moses, returning from the mountain, spoke to his people. "OK, the good news is, we got them down to ten. The bad news is, adultery is still one of them."
Where you came from, is gone.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
#675
mazooma
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I'm not dead yet
Posted 11 July 2008 - 08:05 PM
July 11
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What's the difference between a lawyer and a trampoline?
You take your shoes off to jump on a trampoline.
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What's the difference between a lawyer and a trampoline?
You take your shoes off to jump on a trampoline.
Where you came from, is gone.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
#676
RB
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Posted 11 July 2008 - 09:00 PM
1. Avoid Cutting Yourself When Slicing Vegetables By Getting Someone Else To Hold The Vegetables While You Chop
2. Avoid Arguments With The Females About Lifting The Toilet Seat By Using The Sink.
3. A Mouse Trap Placed On Top Of Your Alarm Clock Will Prevent You From Rolling Over And Going Back To Sleep After You Hit The Snooze Button.
4. If You Have A Bad Cough, Take A Large Dose Of Laxatives. Then You'll Be Afraid To Cough.
5. You Only Need Two Tools In Life - Wd-40 And Duct Tape. If It Doesn't Move And Should, Use The Wd-40. If It Shouldn't Move And Does, Use The Duct Tape.
6. If You Can't Fix It With A Hammer, You've Got An Electrical Problem.
Daily Thought:
Some People Are Like Slinkies - Not Really Good For Anything But They Bring A Smile To Your Face When Pushed Down The Stairs.
2. Avoid Arguments With The Females About Lifting The Toilet Seat By Using The Sink.
3. A Mouse Trap Placed On Top Of Your Alarm Clock Will Prevent You From Rolling Over And Going Back To Sleep After You Hit The Snooze Button.
4. If You Have A Bad Cough, Take A Large Dose Of Laxatives. Then You'll Be Afraid To Cough.
5. You Only Need Two Tools In Life - Wd-40 And Duct Tape. If It Doesn't Move And Should, Use The Wd-40. If It Shouldn't Move And Does, Use The Duct Tape.
6. If You Can't Fix It With A Hammer, You've Got An Electrical Problem.
Daily Thought:
Some People Are Like Slinkies - Not Really Good For Anything But They Bring A Smile To Your Face When Pushed Down The Stairs.
Cyberpunk:- alienated loner who lives on the edge of society in generally dystopic future where daily life is impacted by rapid technological change, an ubiquitous datasphere of computerized information, and invasive modification of the human body.....Hmmmmm
[SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]
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#677
mazooma
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I'm not dead yet
Posted 12 July 2008 - 03:06 PM
July 12
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Sign in a Czech tourist office:
Take one of our horse-driven city tours - we guarantee no miscarriages.
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Sign in a Czech tourist office:
Take one of our horse-driven city tours - we guarantee no miscarriages.
Where you came from, is gone.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
#678
RB
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Posted 12 July 2008 - 08:44 PM
A blonde had a near death experience the other day when she went horseback riding. Everything was going fine until the horse started to bounce out of control. She tried to hang on with all of her might, but was thrown off. With her foot caught in the stirrup, she fell headfirst to the ground.
Her head continued to bounce on the ground and the horse didn't even stop or slow down. Just as she was giving up hope and losing consciousness, the Tesco's manager came out and unplugged the ride.
Her head continued to bounce on the ground and the horse didn't even stop or slow down. Just as she was giving up hope and losing consciousness, the Tesco's manager came out and unplugged the ride.
Cyberpunk:- alienated loner who lives on the edge of society in generally dystopic future where daily life is impacted by rapid technological change, an ubiquitous datasphere of computerized information, and invasive modification of the human body.....Hmmmmm
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#679
mazooma
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I'm not dead yet
Posted 13 July 2008 - 02:25 PM
July 13
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A blonde was at a vending machine, repeatedly putting in coins and cheering when a can of drink came out.
"Will you hurry up?" asked the man in line behind her.
"No way!" she replied. "I'm still winning!"
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A blonde was at a vending machine, repeatedly putting in coins and cheering when a can of drink came out.
"Will you hurry up?" asked the man in line behind her.
"No way!" she replied. "I'm still winning!"
Where you came from, is gone.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
#680
RB
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Posted 13 July 2008 - 04:18 PM
Pierre, a brave French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for a pleasant little picnic by the River Seine.
It's a beautiful day and love is in the air.
Marie leans over to Pierre and says, 'Pierre, kiss me!'
Pierre grabs a bottle of Merlot and splashes it on Marie's lips.
'What are you doing, Pierre ?' says the startled Marie.
'I am Pierre, the French fighter pilot! When I have red meat, I have red wine!'
She smiles and they start kissing.
Things began to heat up a little and Marie says, 'Pierre, kiss me lower.'
Our hero tears her blouse open, grabs a bottle of Chardonnay and pours it on her breasts.
'Pierre! What are you doing now?' asks the bewildered Marie.
'I am Pierre, the French fighter pilot! When I have white meat, I have white wine!'
She giggles and they resume their passionate interlude: and things really steam up.
Marie leans close to his ear and whispers, 'Pierre, kiss me much lower!'
Pierre rips off her underwear, grabs a bottle of Cognac and pours it in her lap.
He then strikes a match and lights the cognac on fire.
Marie shrieks and dives into the River Seine.
Standing waist deep, Marie throws her arms into the air and screams furiously, 'PIERRE , WHAT IN THE f*** DO YOU THINK YOU ARE DOING?'
Our 'hero' stands and says defiantly,
'I am Pierre, the French fighter pilot! If I go down, I go down in flames!'
It's a beautiful day and love is in the air.
Marie leans over to Pierre and says, 'Pierre, kiss me!'
Pierre grabs a bottle of Merlot and splashes it on Marie's lips.
'What are you doing, Pierre ?' says the startled Marie.
'I am Pierre, the French fighter pilot! When I have red meat, I have red wine!'
She smiles and they start kissing.
Things began to heat up a little and Marie says, 'Pierre, kiss me lower.'
Our hero tears her blouse open, grabs a bottle of Chardonnay and pours it on her breasts.
'Pierre! What are you doing now?' asks the bewildered Marie.
'I am Pierre, the French fighter pilot! When I have white meat, I have white wine!'
She giggles and they resume their passionate interlude: and things really steam up.
Marie leans close to his ear and whispers, 'Pierre, kiss me much lower!'
Pierre rips off her underwear, grabs a bottle of Cognac and pours it in her lap.
He then strikes a match and lights the cognac on fire.
Marie shrieks and dives into the River Seine.
Standing waist deep, Marie throws her arms into the air and screams furiously, 'PIERRE , WHAT IN THE f*** DO YOU THINK YOU ARE DOING?'
Our 'hero' stands and says defiantly,
'I am Pierre, the French fighter pilot! If I go down, I go down in flames!'
Cyberpunk:- alienated loner who lives on the edge of society in generally dystopic future where daily life is impacted by rapid technological change, an ubiquitous datasphere of computerized information, and invasive modification of the human body.....Hmmmmm
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