The graduate with a science degree asks," Why does it work?"
The graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
The graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"
The graduate with an arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"
2120 replies to this topic
#681
RB
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Posted 14 July 2008 - 02:48 PM
Cyberpunk:- alienated loner who lives on the edge of society in generally dystopic future where daily life is impacted by rapid technological change, an ubiquitous datasphere of computerized information, and invasive modification of the human body.....Hmmmmm
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#682
mazooma
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I'm not dead yet
Posted 14 July 2008 - 04:48 PM
A man went to see a fortune teller.
The psychic said, "I'm sorry to say this, but within a year your wife will die a violent, horrible death."
The man gasped and went pale, then tried to compose himself.
Shaking, he said, "All right, but tell me one more thing: will I be acquitted?"
The psychic said, "I'm sorry to say this, but within a year your wife will die a violent, horrible death."
The man gasped and went pale, then tried to compose himself.
Shaking, he said, "All right, but tell me one more thing: will I be acquitted?"
Where you came from, is gone.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
#683
mazooma
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I'm not dead yet
Posted 15 July 2008 - 05:37 PM
July 15
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How many dogs does it take to change a lightbulb?
Labrador: Oh, me, me! Let me change the lightbulb! Can I, please?
Dachshund: You know I cant reach the lamp!
Basset hound: Zzzzzzz...
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How many dogs does it take to change a lightbulb?
Labrador: Oh, me, me! Let me change the lightbulb! Can I, please?
Dachshund: You know I cant reach the lamp!
Basset hound: Zzzzzzz...
Where you came from, is gone.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
#684
RB
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Posted 15 July 2008 - 07:11 PM
Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked,
'How old was your husband?' '98,' she replied.
'Two years older than me.'
'So you're 96,' the undertaker commented.
She responded, 'Hardly worth going home, is it?'
'How old was your husband?' '98,' she replied.
'Two years older than me.'
'So you're 96,' the undertaker commented.
She responded, 'Hardly worth going home, is it?'
Cyberpunk:- alienated loner who lives on the edge of society in generally dystopic future where daily life is impacted by rapid technological change, an ubiquitous datasphere of computerized information, and invasive modification of the human body.....Hmmmmm
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#685
mazooma
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I'm not dead yet
Posted 16 July 2008 - 06:19 PM
July 16
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What do you say to a biker with a beautiful woman on his arm?
Hey, nice tatoo!
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What do you say to a biker with a beautiful woman on his arm?
Hey, nice tatoo!
Where you came from, is gone.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
#686
mazooma
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I'm not dead yet
Posted 17 July 2008 - 05:56 PM
July 17
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A good friend will bail you out if you end up in jail after a mad prank.
A great friend will be in the cell next to you, saying, "Damn, that was fun!"
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A good friend will bail you out if you end up in jail after a mad prank.
A great friend will be in the cell next to you, saying, "Damn, that was fun!"
Where you came from, is gone.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
#687
RB
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Posted 17 July 2008 - 09:53 PM
I've decided that to raise my grades I must lower my standards.
Don't trust anything that bleeds for 5 days and doesn't die.
Beauty is only a light switch away.
Remember, it's not, "How high are you?" it's "Hi, how are you?"
God made pot. Man made beer. Whom do you trust?
Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
No matter how good she looks, some other guy is sick and tired of putting up with her shit.
At the feast of ego, everyone leaves hungry.
It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
Make love, not war.--Hell, do both, get married!
If voting could really change things, it would be illegal.
A Woman's Rule of Thumb: If it has tires or testicles, you're going to have trouble with it.
Don't trust anything that bleeds for 5 days and doesn't die.
Beauty is only a light switch away.
Remember, it's not, "How high are you?" it's "Hi, how are you?"
God made pot. Man made beer. Whom do you trust?
Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
No matter how good she looks, some other guy is sick and tired of putting up with her shit.
At the feast of ego, everyone leaves hungry.
It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
Make love, not war.--Hell, do both, get married!
If voting could really change things, it would be illegal.
A Woman's Rule of Thumb: If it has tires or testicles, you're going to have trouble with it.
Cyberpunk:- alienated loner who lives on the edge of society in generally dystopic future where daily life is impacted by rapid technological change, an ubiquitous datasphere of computerized information, and invasive modification of the human body.....Hmmmmm
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#688
mazooma
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I'm not dead yet
Posted 18 July 2008 - 06:38 PM
July 18
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A tennis player was carrying a ball in his shorts pocket when a blonde came up to him and asked him what the bulge was.
"Tennis ball," he answered.
"Oh!" she said. "How painful! I had tennis elbow once."
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A tennis player was carrying a ball in his shorts pocket when a blonde came up to him and asked him what the bulge was.
"Tennis ball," he answered.
"Oh!" she said. "How painful! I had tennis elbow once."
Where you came from, is gone.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
#689
RB
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Posted 18 July 2008 - 08:45 PM
On my way home from work tonight, i was doing about 50 down the doncaster road, when suddenly the car dips to the left followed by the sound of metal rims grinding rubber.
"f***" was the first Phrase that passed through my head, followed by "Puncture".
So as soon as it was safe to pull over i pulled in to the "hard shoulder". Out i goes, opens the boot grabs the jack and heads off to the offending wheel. Jacks the car, loosens the wheel nuts and trundle off for the spare...unscrew the spare wheel locking plate, grab the wheel, and "f***" enters my brain again...spare is flat.
Now luckily i was about 10 mins walk from the Total(Co-op) garage at Cathill services..so off i trundle pushing the almost flat tyre..30 mins later im back at the car fully inflated spare in hand. Off comes the punctured tyre and on goes the spare.
Just as i'm lowering the jack i hear the screech of brakes from behind me...followed by the opening and closing of the car door, not paying any attention i just carried on, when suddenly my bonnet pops open and raises up...i pops up and shouts " what you doing mate", and a voice from under the bonnet shouts back "Well mate, if your having the tyres...I'm Having the sodding Battery"......
"f***" was the first Phrase that passed through my head, followed by "Puncture".
So as soon as it was safe to pull over i pulled in to the "hard shoulder". Out i goes, opens the boot grabs the jack and heads off to the offending wheel. Jacks the car, loosens the wheel nuts and trundle off for the spare...unscrew the spare wheel locking plate, grab the wheel, and "f***" enters my brain again...spare is flat.
Now luckily i was about 10 mins walk from the Total(Co-op) garage at Cathill services..so off i trundle pushing the almost flat tyre..30 mins later im back at the car fully inflated spare in hand. Off comes the punctured tyre and on goes the spare.
Just as i'm lowering the jack i hear the screech of brakes from behind me...followed by the opening and closing of the car door, not paying any attention i just carried on, when suddenly my bonnet pops open and raises up...i pops up and shouts " what you doing mate", and a voice from under the bonnet shouts back "Well mate, if your having the tyres...I'm Having the sodding Battery"......
Cyberpunk:- alienated loner who lives on the edge of society in generally dystopic future where daily life is impacted by rapid technological change, an ubiquitous datasphere of computerized information, and invasive modification of the human body.....Hmmmmm
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#690
raverpat
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Retired punter of 16 years
Posted 18 July 2008 - 09:32 PM
Paddy's girlfriend gets a tattoo of a seashell on the top of her inner thigh. Paddy thinks its f*****g amazing because if you put your ear to it you can actually smell the sea.
Let's smash Partytime.
#691
mazooma
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I'm not dead yet
Posted 19 July 2008 - 06:09 PM
July 19
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A woman saw a wrinkled old man sitting on his porch. He looked so joyful that she asked him the secret of a happy life. He replied, "I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day and drink a bottle of whiskey. I never exercise, and eat lots of fatty food."
"That's amazing!" she said. "How old are you?"
"Twenty-five."
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A woman saw a wrinkled old man sitting on his porch. He looked so joyful that she asked him the secret of a happy life. He replied, "I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day and drink a bottle of whiskey. I never exercise, and eat lots of fatty food."
"That's amazing!" she said. "How old are you?"
"Twenty-five."
Where you came from, is gone.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
#692
RB
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Posted 19 July 2008 - 08:01 PM
An airline captain was breaking in a very pretty new blonde stewardess; the route they were flying had a stay-over in another city. Upon their arrival the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.
The next morning as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up, wondering what happened to her.
She answered the phone, crying, and said she couldn't get out of her room.
"You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?"
The stewardess replied: "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"
The next morning as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up, wondering what happened to her.
She answered the phone, crying, and said she couldn't get out of her room.
"You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?"
The stewardess replied: "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"
Cyberpunk:- alienated loner who lives on the edge of society in generally dystopic future where daily life is impacted by rapid technological change, an ubiquitous datasphere of computerized information, and invasive modification of the human body.....Hmmmmm
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#693
Pgamblin
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Old but still not as old as Ady
Posted 19 July 2008 - 08:33 PM
Lol
Not sure if this has been posted yet - i aint trawling through all the pages to find out
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Wife turns to her husband and says "I'm fed up, its just not working between us - you never take us anywhere expensive anymore" So The husband turns to his wife and says "Ok, grab your coat - we're off to the petrol station"..........
Not sure if this has been posted yet - i aint trawling through all the pages to find out
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Wife turns to her husband and says "I'm fed up, its just not working between us - you never take us anywhere expensive anymore" So The husband turns to his wife and says "Ok, grab your coat - we're off to the petrol station"..........
#694
mazooma
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I'm not dead yet
Posted 20 July 2008 - 02:58 PM
July 20
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Teacher: How was your holiday Penny?
Penny: Great! We went to the beach, and I buried my brother in the sand.
Teacher: That sounds like fun.
Penny: Yep. And Dad says we can go back next year to find him.
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Teacher: How was your holiday Penny?
Penny: Great! We went to the beach, and I buried my brother in the sand.
Teacher: That sounds like fun.
Penny: Yep. And Dad says we can go back next year to find him.
Where you came from, is gone.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
#695
mazooma
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I'm not dead yet
Posted 21 July 2008 - 06:58 PM
July 21
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Funny newspaper headlines:
If strike isn't settled quickly, it may last a while
Cold wave linked to temperatures
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Funny newspaper headlines:
If strike isn't settled quickly, it may last a while
Cold wave linked to temperatures
Where you came from, is gone.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
#696
RB
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PISH Artist
Posted 21 July 2008 - 10:13 PM
When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace
expensive.... so, I took her to a petrol station.....
and then the fight started....
expensive.... so, I took her to a petrol station.....
and then the fight started....
Cyberpunk:- alienated loner who lives on the edge of society in generally dystopic future where daily life is impacted by rapid technological change, an ubiquitous datasphere of computerized information, and invasive modification of the human body.....Hmmmmm
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#697
PJ
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Condom Testing Department
Posted 22 July 2008 - 12:15 PM
Hmmmmm - RB, are you sure that hasn't been posted already on this thread?
I'm not trawling through it to find out though...
I'm not trawling through it to find out though...
Winning is not a crime...
NEITHER IS SWEARING!!!
NEITHER IS SWEARING!!!
#698
RB
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PISH Artist
Posted 22 July 2008 - 01:06 PM
Hmmmmm - RB, are you sure that hasn't been posted already on this thread?
I'm not trawling through it to find out though...
Use the search feature
and as far as i can see it hasn't been posted before
Cyberpunk:- alienated loner who lives on the edge of society in generally dystopic future where daily life is impacted by rapid technological change, an ubiquitous datasphere of computerized information, and invasive modification of the human body.....Hmmmmm
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[SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]
#699
raverpat
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Retired punter of 16 years
Posted 22 July 2008 - 02:47 PM
Paddy: It's a good job Girls Aloud were not born in France.
Murphy: Why is that then?
Paddy: They can't speak French!
Murphy: Why is that then?
Paddy: They can't speak French!
Let's smash Partytime.
#700
mazooma
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I'm not dead yet
Posted 22 July 2008 - 06:39 PM
July 22
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How did the boy drown in his bowl of muesli?
He was pulled in by a strong currant.
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How did the boy drown in his bowl of muesli?
He was pulled in by a strong currant.
Where you came from, is gone.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
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