July 23
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How many men does it take to change a toilet roll?
Nobody knows. It's never happened.
2120 replies to this topic
#701
mazooma
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I'm not dead yet
Posted 23 July 2008 - 06:49 PM
Where you came from, is gone.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
#702
RB
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PISH Artist
Posted 24 July 2008 - 01:02 AM
Last New Year's Eve, one woman stood up at the local tavern and said that it was time to get ready. At the stroke of midnight, she wanted every husband to be standing next to the one person who made his life worth living.
It was embarrassing - The bartender was almost crushed to death.
It was embarrassing - The bartender was almost crushed to death.
Cyberpunk:- alienated loner who lives on the edge of society in generally dystopic future where daily life is impacted by rapid technological change, an ubiquitous datasphere of computerized information, and invasive modification of the human body.....Hmmmmm
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#703
mazooma
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I'm not dead yet
Posted 24 July 2008 - 06:51 PM
July 24
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Why did the lawyer cross the road?
To get to the car crash on the other side.
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Why did the lawyer cross the road?
To get to the car crash on the other side.
Where you came from, is gone.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
#704
todd1970
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The furniture
Posted 24 July 2008 - 06:59 PM
Mazooma...be honest here cos i havent been checking up on you..have you still posted a joke for every day of the year so far. ?
Only cos i canny be arse looking right through the whole thread to check.
Only cos i canny be arse looking right through the whole thread to check.
Mmmmmm...Sandy ive 'ad her ye know. 
#705
mazooma
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I'm not dead yet
Posted 24 July 2008 - 07:30 PM
Mazooma...be honest here cos i havent been checking up on you..have you still posted a joke for every day of the year so far. ?
Only cos i canny be arse looking right through the whole thread to check.
yup - even had to post one via the wifes phone when my internet was down.
Roll on December 31st.
Where you came from, is gone.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
#706
RB
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Posted 24 July 2008 - 08:10 PM
yup - even had to post one via the wifes phone when my internet was down.
Roll on December 31st.
Thats the date this thread will officially die...
Cyberpunk:- alienated loner who lives on the edge of society in generally dystopic future where daily life is impacted by rapid technological change, an ubiquitous datasphere of computerized information, and invasive modification of the human body.....Hmmmmm
[SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]
[SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]
#707
mazooma
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I'm not dead yet
Posted 25 July 2008 - 08:11 PM
July 25 - This thread will never die.
---------------------------------
What do you get if you cross a snowman with a vampire?
Frostbite.
Then again, maybe it should after that joke.
---------------------------------
What do you get if you cross a snowman with a vampire?
Frostbite.
Then again, maybe it should after that joke.
Where you came from, is gone.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
#708
PJ
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Condom Testing Department
Posted 26 July 2008 - 09:54 AM
What's round and goes up and down in the playground?
A nonce's arse...
A nonce's arse...
Winning is not a crime...
NEITHER IS SWEARING!!!
NEITHER IS SWEARING!!!
#709
mazooma
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I'm not dead yet
Posted 26 July 2008 - 11:31 AM
July 26
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Lawyer: What was the first thing he said to you in the morning?
Witness: He said, "Rita, I love you."
Lawyer: And why did that make you angry?
Witness: My name is Sarah.
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Lawyer: What was the first thing he said to you in the morning?
Witness: He said, "Rita, I love you."
Lawyer: And why did that make you angry?
Witness: My name is Sarah.
Where you came from, is gone.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
#710
raverpat
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Retired punter of 16 years
Posted 26 July 2008 - 08:24 PM
Three handsome male dogs are walking down the street when they see a beautiful, enticing, female Poodle.
The three male dogs fall all over themselves in an effort to be the one to reach her first, but end up arriving in front of her at the same time.
The males are speechless before her beauty, slobbering on themselves and hoping for just a glance from her in return.
Aware of her charms and her obvious effect on the three suitors, she decides to be kind and tells them, "The first one who can use the words 'liver' and 'cheese' together in an imaginative, intelligent sentence can go out with me."
The sturdy, muscular black Lab speaks up quickly and says, "I love liver and cheese."
"Oh, how childish," said the Poodle. "That shows no imagination or intelligence whatsoever."
She turns to the tall, shiny Golden Retriever and says "How well can you do?"
"Um. I HATE liver and cheese," blurts the Golden Retriever.
"My, my," said the Poodle. "I guess it's hopeless. That's just as dumb as the Lab's sentence."
She then turns to the last of the three dogs and says, "How about you, little guy?"
The last of the three, tiny in stature but big in fame and finesse, is the Taco Bell Chihuahua.
He gives her a smile, a sly wink, turns to the Golden Retriever and the Lab and says....
Liver alone. Cheese mine.
The three male dogs fall all over themselves in an effort to be the one to reach her first, but end up arriving in front of her at the same time.
The males are speechless before her beauty, slobbering on themselves and hoping for just a glance from her in return.
Aware of her charms and her obvious effect on the three suitors, she decides to be kind and tells them, "The first one who can use the words 'liver' and 'cheese' together in an imaginative, intelligent sentence can go out with me."
The sturdy, muscular black Lab speaks up quickly and says, "I love liver and cheese."
"Oh, how childish," said the Poodle. "That shows no imagination or intelligence whatsoever."
She turns to the tall, shiny Golden Retriever and says "How well can you do?"
"Um. I HATE liver and cheese," blurts the Golden Retriever.
"My, my," said the Poodle. "I guess it's hopeless. That's just as dumb as the Lab's sentence."
She then turns to the last of the three dogs and says, "How about you, little guy?"
The last of the three, tiny in stature but big in fame and finesse, is the Taco Bell Chihuahua.
He gives her a smile, a sly wink, turns to the Golden Retriever and the Lab and says....
Liver alone. Cheese mine.
Let's smash Partytime.
#711
raverpat
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Retired punter of 16 years
Posted 26 July 2008 - 08:27 PM
Bill and Bob, two children, were sitting outside a clinic. Bill happened to be crying very loudly.
"Why are you crying?" Bob asked.
"I came here for a blood test," sobbed Bill.
"So? Are you afraid?"
"No. For the blood test, they cut my finger.
As Bob heard this, he immediately began crying profusely.
Astonished, Bill stopped his tears and asked Bob, "Why are you crying now?"
To which Bob replied, "I came for a urine test!"
"Why are you crying?" Bob asked.
"I came here for a blood test," sobbed Bill.
"So? Are you afraid?"
"No. For the blood test, they cut my finger.
As Bob heard this, he immediately began crying profusely.
Astonished, Bill stopped his tears and asked Bob, "Why are you crying now?"
To which Bob replied, "I came for a urine test!"
Let's smash Partytime.
#712
mazooma
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I'm not dead yet
Posted 27 July 2008 - 07:35 PM
July 27
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New words:
Percussive maintenance:
Whacking something in the hope that it will start working again.
Negligent:
Absent-mindedly answering the door in your nightdress
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New words:
Percussive maintenance:
Whacking something in the hope that it will start working again.
Negligent:
Absent-mindedly answering the door in your nightdress
Where you came from, is gone.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
#713
RB
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PISH Artist
Posted 28 July 2008 - 02:12 PM
The train was packed, and the U. S. Marine Walked the entire length looking for a seat, but a well-dressed, Middle-aged, French woman's poodle took the Only seat remaining. The war-weary Marine asked, "Ma'am, may I have that seat?"
The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular, "Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat."
The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was Under that dog.
"Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired."
She snorted, "Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!"
This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little Dog, tossed it out the train window, and sat down.
The woman shrieked, "Someone must defend my honor! Put this American In his place !"
An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, "Sir, you Americans seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand, you drive your vehicles on the wrong side of the road.
And now, Sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out the window."
The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular, "Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat."
The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was Under that dog.
"Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired."
She snorted, "Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!"
This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little Dog, tossed it out the train window, and sat down.
The woman shrieked, "Someone must defend my honor! Put this American In his place !"
An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, "Sir, you Americans seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand, you drive your vehicles on the wrong side of the road.
And now, Sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out the window."
Cyberpunk:- alienated loner who lives on the edge of society in generally dystopic future where daily life is impacted by rapid technological change, an ubiquitous datasphere of computerized information, and invasive modification of the human body.....Hmmmmm
[SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]
[SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]
#714
mazooma
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I'm not dead yet
Posted 28 July 2008 - 05:53 PM
July 28 - 30,000 views and rising
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You know that you drink too much when:
You believe alcohol is one of the five food groups.
The whole bar says "Hi!" when you come in.
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You know that you drink too much when:
You believe alcohol is one of the five food groups.
The whole bar says "Hi!" when you come in.
Where you came from, is gone.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
#715
RB
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Posted 28 July 2008 - 09:12 PM
The husband had just finished reading a new book entitled, 'YOU CAN BE THE MAN OF YOUR HOUSE'.
He stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced, 'From now on, you need to know that I am the man of
this house and my word is Law. You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal,
you will serve me a sumptuous dessert. After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will have the kind of sex that I want.
Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe.
Then, you will massage my feet and hands. Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?
'The wife replied, 'The f***in' funeral director would be my first guess.'....
He stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced, 'From now on, you need to know that I am the man of
this house and my word is Law. You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal,
you will serve me a sumptuous dessert. After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will have the kind of sex that I want.
Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe.
Then, you will massage my feet and hands. Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?
'The wife replied, 'The f***in' funeral director would be my first guess.'....
Cyberpunk:- alienated loner who lives on the edge of society in generally dystopic future where daily life is impacted by rapid technological change, an ubiquitous datasphere of computerized information, and invasive modification of the human body.....Hmmmmm
[SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]
[SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]
#716
mazooma
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I'm not dead yet
Posted 29 July 2008 - 05:55 AM
July 29
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How many technical consultants does it take to chane a lightbulb?
100
Ten to change it, and ninty to write document GA8736449X-001 Multi-tasking Incandescent Source System Facility.
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How many technical consultants does it take to chane a lightbulb?
100
Ten to change it, and ninty to write document GA8736449X-001 Multi-tasking Incandescent Source System Facility.
Where you came from, is gone.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
#717
mazooma
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I'm not dead yet
Posted 30 July 2008 - 06:18 PM
July 30 - on the phone from a posh hotel. - Someone has invented an amazing piece of technology that can allow you to look through solid walls. Its called a window.
Where you came from, is gone.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
#718
Gazeyre1966
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The furniture
Posted 30 July 2008 - 08:07 PM
A man goes to the outside window of a 24 hour petrol station.
He asks for a Kitkat chunky.
The girl brings him back a Kitkat chunky.
"NO" replies the man. "I wanted a normal kit kat you fat C""t!!!"
He asks for a Kitkat chunky.
The girl brings him back a Kitkat chunky.
"NO" replies the man. "I wanted a normal kit kat you fat C""t!!!"
<span style='font-family: Comic Sans MS'><span style='font-size: 12px;'>It's all done in the best possible taste. 
</span></span>
</span></span>
#719
RB
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Posted 30 July 2008 - 08:25 PM
A little old lady was running up and down the halls in a nursing home. As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say
"Supersex." She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair. Flipping her gown at him, she said, "Super sex."
He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, "I'll take the soup."
"Supersex." She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair. Flipping her gown at him, she said, "Super sex."
He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, "I'll take the soup."
Cyberpunk:- alienated loner who lives on the edge of society in generally dystopic future where daily life is impacted by rapid technological change, an ubiquitous datasphere of computerized information, and invasive modification of the human body.....Hmmmmm
[SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]
[SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]
#720
raverpat
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Retired punter of 16 years
Posted 31 July 2008 - 02:21 PM
Dave returned from a doctor's visit one day and told his wife Doreen that the doctor said he only had 24 hours to live.
Wiping away her tears, he asked her to make love with him. Of course she agreed and they made passionate love.
Six hours later, Dave went to her again, and said, 'Honey, now I only have 18 hours left to live. Maybe we could make love again?' Doreen agreed and again they made love.
Later, Dave was getting into bed when he realized he now had only eight hours of life left. He touched Doreen's shoulder and said, Honey? Please? Just one more time before I die.' She agreed, then afterward she rolled over and fell asleep.
Dave, however, heard the clock ticking in his head, and he tossed and turned until he was down to only four more hours. He tapped his wife on the shoulder to wake her up. 'Honey, I only have four hours left!
Could we...?'
His wife sat up abruptly, turned to him and said, Listen Dave, I have to get up in the morning! You don't.'
Wiping away her tears, he asked her to make love with him. Of course she agreed and they made passionate love.
Six hours later, Dave went to her again, and said, 'Honey, now I only have 18 hours left to live. Maybe we could make love again?' Doreen agreed and again they made love.
Later, Dave was getting into bed when he realized he now had only eight hours of life left. He touched Doreen's shoulder and said, Honey? Please? Just one more time before I die.' She agreed, then afterward she rolled over and fell asleep.
Dave, however, heard the clock ticking in his head, and he tossed and turned until he was down to only four more hours. He tapped his wife on the shoulder to wake her up. 'Honey, I only have four hours left!
Could we...?'
His wife sat up abruptly, turned to him and said, Listen Dave, I have to get up in the morning! You don't.'
Let's smash Partytime.
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