July 31
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Useful definitions for new parents:
Defense: something you need to have around the yard if the kids are playing outside.
Feedback: the result when the baby doesn't appreciate the strained carrots.
2120 replies to this topic
#721
mazooma
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Posted 31 July 2008 - 06:20 PM
Where you came from, is gone.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
#722
RB
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Posted 31 July 2008 - 06:37 PM
Jim decided to propose to Sandy, but prior to her acceptance Sandy had to confess to her man about her childhood illness.
She informed Jim that she suffered a disease that left her breasts at the maturity of a 12 year old.
He stated that it was OK, because he loved her soooo much.
However, Jim felt this was also the time for him to open up and admit that he also had a deformity from birth.
Jim looked Sandy in the eyes and said, 'I too have a problem. My penis is the same size as an infant and I hope that you can deal with that
- once we are married.'
She said, 'Yes I will marry you and learn to live with your infant sized penis.'
Sandy and Jim got married and they could not wait for the honeymoon.
Jim whisked Sandy off to their hotel suite and they started touching, teasing, holding one another.
As Sandy put her hands in Jim's pants - she began to scream and ran out of the room!
Jim ran after her to find out what was wrong.
'You told me that your penis was the size of an infant!', she said.
'Yes it is... 8 pounds, 7 ounces, and 19 inches long!'
She informed Jim that she suffered a disease that left her breasts at the maturity of a 12 year old.
He stated that it was OK, because he loved her soooo much.
However, Jim felt this was also the time for him to open up and admit that he also had a deformity from birth.
Jim looked Sandy in the eyes and said, 'I too have a problem. My penis is the same size as an infant and I hope that you can deal with that
- once we are married.'
She said, 'Yes I will marry you and learn to live with your infant sized penis.'
Sandy and Jim got married and they could not wait for the honeymoon.
Jim whisked Sandy off to their hotel suite and they started touching, teasing, holding one another.
As Sandy put her hands in Jim's pants - she began to scream and ran out of the room!
Jim ran after her to find out what was wrong.
'You told me that your penis was the size of an infant!', she said.
'Yes it is... 8 pounds, 7 ounces, and 19 inches long!'
Cyberpunk:- alienated loner who lives on the edge of society in generally dystopic future where daily life is impacted by rapid technological change, an ubiquitous datasphere of computerized information, and invasive modification of the human body.....Hmmmmm
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#723
silkyuk9
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Posted 31 July 2008 - 06:39 PM
what do you call a monkey with a pork chop on its head???????
griller
griller
#724
silkyuk9
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Posted 31 July 2008 - 06:41 PM
a man buys a jigsaw, after 3 months he completes it and tells all his mates... Hey, ive just completed my jigsaw, it only took me 3 months to complete..... so what says his mates whats good about that?? Well, says the man, it says on the box, 3 to 12 years!!
#725
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Posted 01 August 2008 - 12:35 AM
Hung Chow calls into work and says, 'Hey, I no come work today, I really sick. Got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt, I no come work.'
The boss says, 'You know something, Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel like this,
I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes everything better and I go to work. You try that.
Two hours later Hung Chow calls again.
'I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon........ You got nice house.'
The boss says, 'You know something, Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel like this,
I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes everything better and I go to work. You try that.
Two hours later Hung Chow calls again.
'I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon........ You got nice house.'
Cyberpunk:- alienated loner who lives on the edge of society in generally dystopic future where daily life is impacted by rapid technological change, an ubiquitous datasphere of computerized information, and invasive modification of the human body.....Hmmmmm
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#726
RB
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Posted 01 August 2008 - 12:37 AM
Your Momma Joke Collection
Yo momma's so old, the candles cost more than the birthday cake.
Yo momma's so old, she farts out mummy dust.
Yo momma's so old, she squirts powdered milk out her nipples.
Yo momma's so old, she sat next to Jesus in nursery school
Yo momma's so old, she knew Burger King while he was still a prince.
Yo momma's so old & ugly, her name is Ape.
Yo momma's so old, when she was young rainbows were black and white.
Yo momma's so old and fat that when God said "Let there be Light", he told her to move her fat ass out of the way.
Yo momma's so old, she used to baby-sit Jesus.
Yo momma's so old, when she was born, the Dead Sea was just getting sick.
Yo momma's so old, I told her to act her age and the bitch died.
Yo momma's so old, she drove a chariot to high school.
Yo momma's so old, she's got hieroglyphics on her driver's license.
Yo momma's so old, she took her drivers test on a dinosaur.
Yo momma's so old, she has all the apostles in her black book.
Yo momma's so old, she walked into an antique store and they kept her.
Yo momma's so old, Jurassic Park brought back memories.
Yo momma's so old, her memory is in black and white.
Yo momma's so old, she has a Jesus Starter jacket.
Yo momma's so old, she used to baby-sit Yoda.
Yo momma's so old, her social security number is 1.
Yo momma's so old, her birth-certificate expired.
Yo momma's so old, she ran track with dinosaurs.
Yo momma's so old, she was a waitress at the last supper.
Yo momma's so old, she has a picture of Moses in her yearbook.
Yo momma's so old, she knew the Beetles when they were the New Kids on the Block.
Yo momma's so old, she's got Jesus' beeper number.
Yo momma's so old, when she was in school there was no history class.
Yo momma's so old, when god said "let there be light" she was there to flick the switch.
Yo momma's so old, when Moses split the red sea, she was on the other side fishing.
Yo momma's so old, she has Adam & Eve's autographs.
Yo momma's so old, she co-wrote the ten commandments.
Yo momma's so old, she has an autographed bible.
Yo momma's so old, the candles cost more than the birthday cake.
Yo momma's so old, she farts out mummy dust.
Yo momma's so old, she squirts powdered milk out her nipples.
Yo momma's so old, she sat next to Jesus in nursery school
Yo momma's so old, she knew Burger King while he was still a prince.
Yo momma's so old & ugly, her name is Ape.
Yo momma's so old, when she was young rainbows were black and white.
Yo momma's so old and fat that when God said "Let there be Light", he told her to move her fat ass out of the way.
Yo momma's so old, she used to baby-sit Jesus.
Yo momma's so old, when she was born, the Dead Sea was just getting sick.
Yo momma's so old, I told her to act her age and the bitch died.
Yo momma's so old, she drove a chariot to high school.
Yo momma's so old, she's got hieroglyphics on her driver's license.
Yo momma's so old, she took her drivers test on a dinosaur.
Yo momma's so old, she has all the apostles in her black book.
Yo momma's so old, she walked into an antique store and they kept her.
Yo momma's so old, Jurassic Park brought back memories.
Yo momma's so old, her memory is in black and white.
Yo momma's so old, she has a Jesus Starter jacket.
Yo momma's so old, she used to baby-sit Yoda.
Yo momma's so old, her social security number is 1.
Yo momma's so old, her birth-certificate expired.
Yo momma's so old, she ran track with dinosaurs.
Yo momma's so old, she was a waitress at the last supper.
Yo momma's so old, she has a picture of Moses in her yearbook.
Yo momma's so old, she knew the Beetles when they were the New Kids on the Block.
Yo momma's so old, she's got Jesus' beeper number.
Yo momma's so old, when she was in school there was no history class.
Yo momma's so old, when god said "let there be light" she was there to flick the switch.
Yo momma's so old, when Moses split the red sea, she was on the other side fishing.
Yo momma's so old, she has Adam & Eve's autographs.
Yo momma's so old, she co-wrote the ten commandments.
Yo momma's so old, she has an autographed bible.
Cyberpunk:- alienated loner who lives on the edge of society in generally dystopic future where daily life is impacted by rapid technological change, an ubiquitous datasphere of computerized information, and invasive modification of the human body.....Hmmmmm
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#727
mazooma
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I'm not dead yet
Posted 01 August 2008 - 09:10 PM
August 1
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What's the difference between a pizza and a drummer?
A pizza can feed a family of four.
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What's the difference between a pizza and a drummer?
A pizza can feed a family of four.
Where you came from, is gone.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
#728
RB
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Posted 01 August 2008 - 09:17 PM
A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter
"What are you doing?" She asked.
"Hunting Flies" He responded.
"Oh! Killing any?" She asked.
"Yep, 3 males , 2 Females," he replied.
"How can you tell them apart?"
He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone.
"What are you doing?" She asked.
"Hunting Flies" He responded.
"Oh! Killing any?" She asked.
"Yep, 3 males , 2 Females," he replied.
"How can you tell them apart?"
He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone.
Cyberpunk:- alienated loner who lives on the edge of society in generally dystopic future where daily life is impacted by rapid technological change, an ubiquitous datasphere of computerized information, and invasive modification of the human body.....Hmmmmm
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#729
SAS
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Posted 02 August 2008 - 01:31 AM
Q. What do you call a donkey with two legs ??
A. Wonkey
A. Wonkey
#730
mazooma
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I'm not dead yet
Posted 02 August 2008 - 08:08 AM
August 2
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Grandma was worried whenthe police brought her husband home.
"We found him near the park ma'am," they explained. "he couldn't find his way home."
"I don't understand," Grandma said. "He's been going to that park for years!"
Grandpa leaned closer to her, "It's OK," he whispered. "I just didn't want to walk home."
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Grandma was worried whenthe police brought her husband home.
"We found him near the park ma'am," they explained. "he couldn't find his way home."
"I don't understand," Grandma said. "He's been going to that park for years!"
Grandpa leaned closer to her, "It's OK," he whispered. "I just didn't want to walk home."
Where you came from, is gone.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
#731
mazooma
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I'm not dead yet
Posted 03 August 2008 - 03:19 PM
August 3
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How many waiters does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. A burned-out bulb doesn't have a hope of catching a waiter's eye.
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How many waiters does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. A burned-out bulb doesn't have a hope of catching a waiter's eye.
Where you came from, is gone.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
#732
mazooma
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I'm not dead yet
Posted 04 August 2008 - 03:45 PM
August 4
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Statements to avoid when you've been pulled over:
I only had three officers, Mr Beer....
Gee, I thought you had to be in shape to be a police officer!
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Statements to avoid when you've been pulled over:
I only had three officers, Mr Beer....
Gee, I thought you had to be in shape to be a police officer!
Where you came from, is gone.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
#733
RB
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Posted 04 August 2008 - 07:45 PM
A young cowboy walks into a seedy cafe in Western Oklahoma.
He sits at the counter and notices an old cowboy with his arms folded staring blankly at a full bowl of chili.
After fifteen minutes of just sitting there staring at it,
the young cowboy bravely asks the old cowpoke, 'If you ain't gonna eat that, mind if I do?'
The older cowboy slowly turns his head toward the young wrangler and in his best Okie manner says,'Nah, go ahead.'
Eagerly, the young cowboy reaches over and slides the bowl over to his place and starts spooning it in with delight.
He gets nearly down to the bottom and notices a dead mouse in the chili.
The sight was shocking and he immediately barfs up the chili into the bowl.
The old cowboy quietly says, 'Yep, that's as far as I got, too'.
He sits at the counter and notices an old cowboy with his arms folded staring blankly at a full bowl of chili.
After fifteen minutes of just sitting there staring at it,
the young cowboy bravely asks the old cowpoke, 'If you ain't gonna eat that, mind if I do?'
The older cowboy slowly turns his head toward the young wrangler and in his best Okie manner says,'Nah, go ahead.'
Eagerly, the young cowboy reaches over and slides the bowl over to his place and starts spooning it in with delight.
He gets nearly down to the bottom and notices a dead mouse in the chili.
The sight was shocking and he immediately barfs up the chili into the bowl.
The old cowboy quietly says, 'Yep, that's as far as I got, too'.
Cyberpunk:- alienated loner who lives on the edge of society in generally dystopic future where daily life is impacted by rapid technological change, an ubiquitous datasphere of computerized information, and invasive modification of the human body.....Hmmmmm
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#734
PJ
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Posted 05 August 2008 - 09:52 AM
'I haven't had a c*** all night, drinkstable'Statements to avoid when you've been pulled over...
'Gooooneeeeeninnnosshhhhifffffer, wanna drag'n ma spliff?'
Winning is not a crime...
NEITHER IS SWEARING!!!
NEITHER IS SWEARING!!!
#735
RB
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Posted 05 August 2008 - 01:31 PM
Why English Is Hard To Learn
Youve gotta admit, its a pretty stupid language. Id hate to be a foreigner trying to learn it. Heres 21 reasons why English is a pain in the ass.
1. The bandage was wound around the wound.
2. The farm was used to produce produce.
3. The dump was so full it had to refuse more refuse.
4. We must polish the Polish furniture.
5. He could lead if he would get the lead out.
6. The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
7. Since there was no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.
8. A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
9. When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10. I did not object to the object.
11. The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12. There was a row among the oarsmen on how to row.
13. They were too close to the door to close it.
14. The buck does funny things when does are present.
15. A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
16. To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17. The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
18. After a number of injections my jaw got number.
19. Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
20. I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
21. How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?
Youve gotta admit, its a pretty stupid language. Id hate to be a foreigner trying to learn it. Heres 21 reasons why English is a pain in the ass.
1. The bandage was wound around the wound.
2. The farm was used to produce produce.
3. The dump was so full it had to refuse more refuse.
4. We must polish the Polish furniture.
5. He could lead if he would get the lead out.
6. The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
7. Since there was no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.
8. A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
9. When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10. I did not object to the object.
11. The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12. There was a row among the oarsmen on how to row.
13. They were too close to the door to close it.
14. The buck does funny things when does are present.
15. A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
16. To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17. The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
18. After a number of injections my jaw got number.
19. Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
20. I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
21. How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?
Cyberpunk:- alienated loner who lives on the edge of society in generally dystopic future where daily life is impacted by rapid technological change, an ubiquitous datasphere of computerized information, and invasive modification of the human body.....Hmmmmm
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#736
RB
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Posted 05 August 2008 - 01:37 PM
There were two nuns...
One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM) ,
and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL).
It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.
SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for
the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.
SL: It's logical. He wants to molest us.
SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most! What can we do?
SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.
SM: It's not working.
SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.
SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.
SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.
So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.
Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried about what has happened to Sister Logical .
Then Sister Logical arrives
SM: Sister Logical ! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!
SL : The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both, so he followed me
SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?
SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.
SM : And?
SL : The only logical thing happened. He reached me
SM : Oh, dear! What did you do?
SL : The only logical thing to do.. I lifted my dress up.
SM : Oh, Sister! What did the man do?
SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.
SM: Oh, no! What happened then?
SL : Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster than man with his pants down.
And for those of you who thought it would be dirty,
I'll pray for you!
One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM) ,
and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL).
It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.
SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for
the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.
SL: It's logical. He wants to molest us.
SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most! What can we do?
SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.
SM: It's not working.
SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.
SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.
SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.
So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.
Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried about what has happened to Sister Logical .
Then Sister Logical arrives
SM: Sister Logical ! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!
SL : The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both, so he followed me
SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?
SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.
SM : And?
SL : The only logical thing happened. He reached me
SM : Oh, dear! What did you do?
SL : The only logical thing to do.. I lifted my dress up.
SM : Oh, Sister! What did the man do?
SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.
SM: Oh, no! What happened then?
SL : Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster than man with his pants down.
And for those of you who thought it would be dirty,
I'll pray for you!
Cyberpunk:- alienated loner who lives on the edge of society in generally dystopic future where daily life is impacted by rapid technological change, an ubiquitous datasphere of computerized information, and invasive modification of the human body.....Hmmmmm
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#737
RB
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Posted 05 August 2008 - 01:41 PM
Top Ten Country Western Songs
10. I Hate Every Bone In Her Body But Mine.
9. I Ain't Never Gone To Bed With an Ugly Woman But I Woke Up With a Few.
8. If The Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me.
7. I've Missed You, But My Aim's Improvin'.
6. Wouldn't Take Her To A Dogfight 'Cause I'm Scared She'd Win.
5. I'm So Miserable Without You It's Like You're Still Here.
4. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend And I Miss Him.
3. She Took My Ring and Gave Me the Finger.
2. She's Lookin' Better with Every Beer.
And the Number One Country & Western song is...
1. It's Hard To Kiss The Lips At Night That Chewed My Ass Out All Day Long.
10. I Hate Every Bone In Her Body But Mine.
9. I Ain't Never Gone To Bed With an Ugly Woman But I Woke Up With a Few.
8. If The Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me.
7. I've Missed You, But My Aim's Improvin'.
6. Wouldn't Take Her To A Dogfight 'Cause I'm Scared She'd Win.
5. I'm So Miserable Without You It's Like You're Still Here.
4. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend And I Miss Him.
3. She Took My Ring and Gave Me the Finger.
2. She's Lookin' Better with Every Beer.
And the Number One Country & Western song is...
1. It's Hard To Kiss The Lips At Night That Chewed My Ass Out All Day Long.
Cyberpunk:- alienated loner who lives on the edge of society in generally dystopic future where daily life is impacted by rapid technological change, an ubiquitous datasphere of computerized information, and invasive modification of the human body.....Hmmmmm
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#738
mazooma
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I'm not dead yet
Posted 05 August 2008 - 03:40 PM
August 5
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A sign in a Lisbon hotel room:
If you wish for breakfast, lift the telephone and ask for room service. This will be enough to bring your food up.
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A sign in a Lisbon hotel room:
If you wish for breakfast, lift the telephone and ask for room service. This will be enough to bring your food up.
Where you came from, is gone.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
#739
mazooma
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I'm not dead yet
Posted 06 August 2008 - 06:33 PM
August 6
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Aircraft maintenance requests and maintenance crew responses:
Pilot : Aircraft handles funny.
Maintenance: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
Pilot: DME volume unbelievably loud.
Maintenance: DME volume set to more believable level.
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Aircraft maintenance requests and maintenance crew responses:
Pilot : Aircraft handles funny.
Maintenance: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
Pilot: DME volume unbelievably loud.
Maintenance: DME volume set to more believable level.
Where you came from, is gone.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
#740
mazooma
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I'm not dead yet
Posted 07 August 2008 - 12:19 PM
August 7
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"I've got good news and bad news," said the gallery owner to the artist.
"The good news it that a man asked if your work would increase in value after your death, and then bought the whole collection when I said yes. The bad news is that he was your doctor."
--------
"I've got good news and bad news," said the gallery owner to the artist.
"The good news it that a man asked if your work would increase in value after your death, and then bought the whole collection when I said yes. The bad news is that he was your doctor."
Where you came from, is gone.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
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