A man boarded a plane with 6 kids. After they got settled in their seats a woman sitting across the aisle from him leaned over to him and asked, "Are all of those kids yours?"
He replied, "No, I work for a condom company and these are customer complaints."
2120 replies to this topic
#741
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Posted 07 August 2008 - 07:33 PM
Cyberpunk:- alienated loner who lives on the edge of society in generally dystopic future where daily life is impacted by rapid technological change, an ubiquitous datasphere of computerized information, and invasive modification of the human body.....Hmmmmm
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#742
mazooma
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Posted 08 August 2008 - 05:56 PM
August 8
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A policeman stops a car driver with six penguins in his car.
"You can't keep penguins in your car," she says.
"Take them to the zoo."
The man agrees and drives off. But later she sees him again, still with the penguins.
"I told you to take those to the zoo!" she says.
"I did," he replied. "Now we're going to the movies."
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A policeman stops a car driver with six penguins in his car.
"You can't keep penguins in your car," she says.
"Take them to the zoo."
The man agrees and drives off. But later she sees him again, still with the penguins.
"I told you to take those to the zoo!" she says.
"I did," he replied. "Now we're going to the movies."
Where you came from, is gone.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
#743
RB
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Posted 08 August 2008 - 06:11 PM
August 8
--------
A policeman stops a car driver with six penguins in his car.
"You can't keep penguins in your car," she says.
"Take them to the zoo."
The man agrees and drives off. But later she sees him again, still with the penguins.
"I told you to take those to the zoo!" she says.
"I did," he replied. "Now we're going to the movies."
He was taking them to see the new Batman......
Cyberpunk:- alienated loner who lives on the edge of society in generally dystopic future where daily life is impacted by rapid technological change, an ubiquitous datasphere of computerized information, and invasive modification of the human body.....Hmmmmm
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#744
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Posted 08 August 2008 - 11:54 PM
The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter was having sex. Worried the girl might become pregnant and damage the status of the family, she consulted the family doctor.
The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful and any attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He then told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms.
Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the woman told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms
The girl burst out laughing and reached over to hug her mother saying, 'Oh Mom! You don't have to worry! I'm dating Susan!'
The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful and any attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He then told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms.
Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the woman told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms
The girl burst out laughing and reached over to hug her mother saying, 'Oh Mom! You don't have to worry! I'm dating Susan!'
Cyberpunk:- alienated loner who lives on the edge of society in generally dystopic future where daily life is impacted by rapid technological change, an ubiquitous datasphere of computerized information, and invasive modification of the human body.....Hmmmmm
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#745
mazooma
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Posted 09 August 2008 - 04:54 PM
August 9
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Oxymorons:
Temporary tax increase
Childproof
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Oxymorons:
Temporary tax increase
Childproof
Where you came from, is gone.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
#746
mazooma
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Posted 10 August 2008 - 06:19 PM
August 10
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The blonde made a valiant attempt on Mt Everest. She climbed and climbed, but was forced to give up when she ran out of scaffolding.
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The blonde made a valiant attempt on Mt Everest. She climbed and climbed, but was forced to give up when she ran out of scaffolding.
Where you came from, is gone.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
#747
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Posted 10 August 2008 - 08:46 PM
1. WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM OUR FRIENDS: Police in Oakland, CA spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them in the police line, shouting, "Please come out and give yourself up."
2. WHAT WAS PLAN B? An Illinois man, pretending to have a gun, kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines, during which the kidnapper proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts.
3. THE GETAWAY! A man walked into a Topeka, Kansas Kiwi Stop and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him.
4. DID I SAY THAT? Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words, "Give me all your money or I'll shoot," the man shouted, "That's not what I said!"
5. ARE WE COMMUNICATING? A man spoke frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart." "Is this her first child?" the doctor asked. "No!" the man shouted. "This is her husband!"
6. NOT THE SHARPEST TOOL IN THE SHED! In Modesto, CA, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun. Unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket. (Hellooooooo)!
7. THE GRAND FINALE!!! Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert, an hour east of Bakersfield, CA, some folks, new to boating, were having a problem. No matter how hard they tried, they couldn't get their brand new 22 foot boat, going. It was very sluggish in almost every maneuver, no matter how much power they applied. After about an hour of trying to make it go, they putted into a nearby marina, thinking someone there may be able to tell them what was wrong. A thorough topside check revealed everything in perfect working condition: The engine ran fine, the out-drive went up and down and the propeller was the correct size and pitch. So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath. He came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard.
They still had the trailer attached to the bottom of the boat.
2. WHAT WAS PLAN B? An Illinois man, pretending to have a gun, kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines, during which the kidnapper proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts.
3. THE GETAWAY! A man walked into a Topeka, Kansas Kiwi Stop and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him.
4. DID I SAY THAT? Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words, "Give me all your money or I'll shoot," the man shouted, "That's not what I said!"
5. ARE WE COMMUNICATING? A man spoke frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart." "Is this her first child?" the doctor asked. "No!" the man shouted. "This is her husband!"
6. NOT THE SHARPEST TOOL IN THE SHED! In Modesto, CA, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun. Unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket. (Hellooooooo)!
7. THE GRAND FINALE!!! Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert, an hour east of Bakersfield, CA, some folks, new to boating, were having a problem. No matter how hard they tried, they couldn't get their brand new 22 foot boat, going. It was very sluggish in almost every maneuver, no matter how much power they applied. After about an hour of trying to make it go, they putted into a nearby marina, thinking someone there may be able to tell them what was wrong. A thorough topside check revealed everything in perfect working condition: The engine ran fine, the out-drive went up and down and the propeller was the correct size and pitch. So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath. He came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard.
They still had the trailer attached to the bottom of the boat.
Cyberpunk:- alienated loner who lives on the edge of society in generally dystopic future where daily life is impacted by rapid technological change, an ubiquitous datasphere of computerized information, and invasive modification of the human body.....Hmmmmm
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#748
mazooma
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Posted 11 August 2008 - 08:15 PM
August 11
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Two strangers, a man and a woman, sit next to each other on a flight.
Suddenly, the plane plummets out of control. Panicking, she turns to the man and tears off her blouse, crying, "Make me feel like a woman one more time!"
He tears off his shirt and says, "Here, iron this."
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Two strangers, a man and a woman, sit next to each other on a flight.
Suddenly, the plane plummets out of control. Panicking, she turns to the man and tears off her blouse, crying, "Make me feel like a woman one more time!"
He tears off his shirt and says, "Here, iron this."
Where you came from, is gone.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
#749
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Posted 11 August 2008 - 11:25 PM
Q: why don't witches wear underwear?
A: To get a better grip on the broom
A: To get a better grip on the broom
Cyberpunk:- alienated loner who lives on the edge of society in generally dystopic future where daily life is impacted by rapid technological change, an ubiquitous datasphere of computerized information, and invasive modification of the human body.....Hmmmmm
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#750
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Posted 12 August 2008 - 06:13 PM
August 12
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A man visits a monastery high on a cliff*. The only way to get up there is in a basket pulled by an old, frayed rope. When the shaking man gets to the top, he asks one of the monks, "How often do you chanfe that rope?"
The monk shrugs and says, "Whenever it breaks."
* Or maybe high on a spliff.
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A man visits a monastery high on a cliff*. The only way to get up there is in a basket pulled by an old, frayed rope. When the shaking man gets to the top, he asks one of the monks, "How often do you chanfe that rope?"
The monk shrugs and says, "Whenever it breaks."
* Or maybe high on a spliff.
Where you came from, is gone.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
#751
mazooma
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I'm not dead yet
Posted 13 August 2008 - 05:57 PM
August 13
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Why do musicians have to be awake by six o'clock?
Because most stores close by six-thirty.
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Why do musicians have to be awake by six o'clock?
Because most stores close by six-thirty.
Where you came from, is gone.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
#752
PJ
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Condom Testing Department
Posted 14 August 2008 - 01:54 PM
What's the difference between a drummer and a drum machine?
With a drum machine, you only have to punch the information in one time.
How can you tell when it's a drummer knocking at your door?
It slows down at the end.
With a drum machine, you only have to punch the information in one time.
How can you tell when it's a drummer knocking at your door?
It slows down at the end.
Winning is not a crime...
NEITHER IS SWEARING!!!
NEITHER IS SWEARING!!!
#753
mazooma
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Posted 14 August 2008 - 06:50 PM
August 14
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Two lawyers go into a cafe and order drinks. Then they each take a sandwich out of their briefcase and start unwrapping it. The waiter comes over and says, "Excuse me, but you can't eat your own sandwiches here."
The lawyers look at each other, shrug, and exchange sandwiches.
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Two lawyers go into a cafe and order drinks. Then they each take a sandwich out of their briefcase and start unwrapping it. The waiter comes over and says, "Excuse me, but you can't eat your own sandwiches here."
The lawyers look at each other, shrug, and exchange sandwiches.
Where you came from, is gone.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
#754
aaamusements
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Posted 14 August 2008 - 09:48 PM
August 14
---------
Two lawyers go into a cafe and order drinks. Then they each take a sandwich out of their briefcase and start unwrapping it. The waiter comes over and says, "Excuse me, but you can't eat your own sandwiches here."
The lawyers look at each other, shrug, and exchange sandwiches.
Brilliant!
#755
mazooma
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Posted 15 August 2008 - 08:19 PM
August 15
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God is talking to one of the angels.
"Wow, I'm tired," he says. "I just created 24 hours of alternating light an dark on earth."
The angel says, "What are you going to do now?"
God says, "Call it a day."
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God is talking to one of the angels.
"Wow, I'm tired," he says. "I just created 24 hours of alternating light an dark on earth."
The angel says, "What are you going to do now?"
God says, "Call it a day."
Where you came from, is gone.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
#756
mazooma
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I'm not dead yet
Posted 16 August 2008 - 02:43 PM
August 16
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Sign spotted in a safari park:
Elephants - please stay in your car.
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Sign spotted in a safari park:
Elephants - please stay in your car.
Where you came from, is gone.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
#757
mazooma
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I'm not dead yet
Posted 17 August 2008 - 01:13 PM
August 17
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A Scotsman and a friend go out for dinner. After the meal, everyone is amazed to hear the Scotsman say, "No, I'll pay, I insist." And he does.
The next morning, the newspaper headlines read, "Ventriloquist found murdered in alley."
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A Scotsman and a friend go out for dinner. After the meal, everyone is amazed to hear the Scotsman say, "No, I'll pay, I insist." And he does.
The next morning, the newspaper headlines read, "Ventriloquist found murdered in alley."
Where you came from, is gone.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
#758
mazooma
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I'm not dead yet
Posted 18 August 2008 - 06:54 PM
August 18
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On a Japanese food processor:
Not to be used for any other use.
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On a Japanese food processor:
Not to be used for any other use.
Where you came from, is gone.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
#759
Guest_altharic_*
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Posted 19 August 2008 - 12:35 AM
A highrise in Birmingham has Latvians, Serbians, Polish, Brits and Asians in it and is hit with a plane during the day who survives?
The Brits cos they were at work.
The Brits cos they were at work.
#760
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Posted 19 August 2008 - 12:39 AM
The Chinese sports minister is being interviewed and mentions the success they are having at the olympics, the Lancashire Evening Post journalist asks if there is a sport that the Chinese aint good at the minister replies Cockeling in Morecambe bay...........
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