August 19
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Useful definitions for new parents:
Grandparents: people who think your children are wonderful - even though they're sure you're not raising them right.
Independent: How we want our children to be - so long as they do exactly as we say.
2120 replies to this topic
#761
mazooma
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I'm not dead yet
Posted 19 August 2008 - 05:33 PM
Where you came from, is gone.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
#762
Dr DX
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Daddy To A Little Angel
Posted 19 August 2008 - 09:00 PM
The Chinese sports minister is being interviewed and mentions the success they are having at the olympics, the Lancashire Evening Post journalist asks if there is a sport that the Chinese aint good at the minister replies Cockeling in Morecambe bay...........
lol classic, liked that one
Women are #@#@#@#s....
#763
Guest_altharic_*
Guest_altharic_*
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Posted 20 August 2008 - 12:33 AM
A scouse mate of mine at work mentioned another today.............swimming.
#764
mazooma
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I'm not dead yet
Posted 20 August 2008 - 06:37 PM
August 20
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A psychiatrist walked up to her receptionist one busy morning and said, "Sarah, I appreciate you taking phone messages, but please don't say it's a madhouse. Just tell people we're busy."
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A psychiatrist walked up to her receptionist one busy morning and said, "Sarah, I appreciate you taking phone messages, but please don't say it's a madhouse. Just tell people we're busy."
Where you came from, is gone.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
#765
mazooma
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I'm not dead yet
Posted 21 August 2008 - 06:16 PM
August 21
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Tom, Dick, and Harry die in a car crash at Christmas. At the pearly gates, St. Peter says they each need something "Christmassy" to be allowed in. Tom finds some needles from his Christmas tree, and Dick has a ribbon from a present. They go in. Then Harry pulls out some lacy underpants.
St. Peter looks confused, but Harry explains, "They're Carol's"
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Tom, Dick, and Harry die in a car crash at Christmas. At the pearly gates, St. Peter says they each need something "Christmassy" to be allowed in. Tom finds some needles from his Christmas tree, and Dick has a ribbon from a present. They go in. Then Harry pulls out some lacy underpants.
St. Peter looks confused, but Harry explains, "They're Carol's"
Where you came from, is gone.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
#766
RB
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PISH Artist
Posted 21 August 2008 - 11:33 PM
The first sign that you are getting old is when you enter an antique store and immediatley say " I remember these"....
Cyberpunk:- alienated loner who lives on the edge of society in generally dystopic future where daily life is impacted by rapid technological change, an ubiquitous datasphere of computerized information, and invasive modification of the human body.....Hmmmmm
[SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]
[SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]
#767
mazooma
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I'm not dead yet
Posted 22 August 2008 - 04:39 PM
August 22 TGIF
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Two cannibals are eating dinner. One says, "I don't like my mother-in-law much."
The other replies, "Well just eat you vegetables then!"
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Two cannibals are eating dinner. One says, "I don't like my mother-in-law much."
The other replies, "Well just eat you vegetables then!"
Where you came from, is gone.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
#768
raverpat
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Retired punter of 16 years
Posted 22 August 2008 - 06:15 PM
Got a new car stereo - its voice activated.
I shout 'Country', it plays Dolly Parton.
I shout 'Rock n Roll', it plays Guns n Roses.
Was driving through town the other day and some little shits ran out in front of me.
I shouted 'f*****g Kids', and it played Gary Glitter!
I shout 'Country', it plays Dolly Parton.
I shout 'Rock n Roll', it plays Guns n Roses.
Was driving through town the other day and some little shits ran out in front of me.
I shouted 'f*****g Kids', and it played Gary Glitter!
Let's smash Partytime.
#769
PJ
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Condom Testing Department
Posted 23 August 2008 - 12:26 PM
Hope you're eating while reading this...
A tramp walks into a pub and asks for a toothpick. The barman sees no harm in this and so gives him a toothpick. The tramp then leaves the pub.
A couple of minutes later another tramp enters the bar and asks for a toothpick. The barman obliges and the tramp goes on his way.
The same thing happens three more times in the next 10 minutes. The barman is perplexed. Another tramp walks in, this time asking for a straw.
The confused barman's curiosity finally gets the better of him, so he asks "for the last quarter of an hour, tramps have been coming in asking me for toothpicks, then you come in asking for a straw - why?"
The tramp replies "Well, one of your punters threw up outside, but all the chunky bits have been had."
(and you thought alth was sick...)
A tramp walks into a pub and asks for a toothpick. The barman sees no harm in this and so gives him a toothpick. The tramp then leaves the pub.
A couple of minutes later another tramp enters the bar and asks for a toothpick. The barman obliges and the tramp goes on his way.
The same thing happens three more times in the next 10 minutes. The barman is perplexed. Another tramp walks in, this time asking for a straw.
The confused barman's curiosity finally gets the better of him, so he asks "for the last quarter of an hour, tramps have been coming in asking me for toothpicks, then you come in asking for a straw - why?"
The tramp replies "Well, one of your punters threw up outside, but all the chunky bits have been had."
(and you thought alth was sick...)
Edited by PJ, 23 August 2008 - 12:35 PM.
Winning is not a crime...
NEITHER IS SWEARING!!!
NEITHER IS SWEARING!!!
#770
mazooma
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I'm not dead yet
Posted 23 August 2008 - 08:34 PM
August 23
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What's the difference between a taxidermist and a tax collector?
A taxidermist only takes your skin.
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What's the difference between a taxidermist and a tax collector?
A taxidermist only takes your skin.
Where you came from, is gone.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
#771
mazooma
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- Regulars
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I'm not dead yet
Posted 24 August 2008 - 06:26 PM
August 24
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A psychiatrist visits a patient in hospital. "Now tell me," she says. "How do you now you are Napoleon?"
"God told me I am," replied the patient.
The man in the next bed looks across and frowns. "No I didn't!"
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A psychiatrist visits a patient in hospital. "Now tell me," she says. "How do you now you are Napoleon?"
"God told me I am," replied the patient.
The man in the next bed looks across and frowns. "No I didn't!"
Where you came from, is gone.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
#772
mazooma
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I'm not dead yet
Posted 25 August 2008 - 06:22 PM
August 25 - 4 months till Santa time
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A woman is doing a survey on sex. One of the respondents is a pilot. "When did you last have sex?" she asks.
"2000," he replies.
"That's a while ago, is'nt it?" she asks.
"I guess so," he says, "but according to my watch, it's only 2040 now."
-----------------------------------
A woman is doing a survey on sex. One of the respondents is a pilot. "When did you last have sex?" she asks.
"2000," he replies.
"That's a while ago, is'nt it?" she asks.
"I guess so," he says, "but according to my watch, it's only 2040 now."
Where you came from, is gone.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
#773
ross
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Senior Member
Posted 25 August 2008 - 06:44 PM
gary glitter was arrested again today after the police found class A in his front room class C in his bathroom and class 2B in his bedroom
#774
mazooma
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I'm not dead yet
Posted 26 August 2008 - 06:56 PM
August 26
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Answers from college history exams:
Moses went up Mount Cyanide to get the Ten Commandments. He died before he ever reached Canada.
Another story was William Tell, who shot an arrow through an apple while standing on his son's head.
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Answers from college history exams:
Moses went up Mount Cyanide to get the Ten Commandments. He died before he ever reached Canada.
Another story was William Tell, who shot an arrow through an apple while standing on his son's head.
Where you came from, is gone.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
#775
mazooma
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- Regulars
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- 915 posts
I'm not dead yet
Posted 27 August 2008 - 05:25 PM
August 27
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A fisherman died and was met by St. Peter at the pearly gates. "You've told too many lies to get in here," said St. Peter.
"Have a heart," replied the man. "You were a fisherman once, too."
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A fisherman died and was met by St. Peter at the pearly gates. "You've told too many lies to get in here," said St. Peter.
"Have a heart," replied the man. "You were a fisherman once, too."
Where you came from, is gone.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
#776
PJ
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Condom Testing Department
Posted 28 August 2008 - 02:03 PM
What do you type into a computer to turn it gay?
C:
£££
(see colon, enter, pound pound pound)
C:
£££
(see colon, enter, pound pound pound)
Winning is not a crime...
NEITHER IS SWEARING!!!
NEITHER IS SWEARING!!!
#777
mazooma
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I'm not dead yet
Posted 28 August 2008 - 05:56 PM
August 28
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Lawyer: Did you go to school?
Witness: [nods]
Lawyer: Sir, all your answers must be oral, OK? Now where did you go to school?
Witness: Oral.
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Lawyer: Did you go to school?
Witness: [nods]
Lawyer: Sir, all your answers must be oral, OK? Now where did you go to school?
Witness: Oral.
Where you came from, is gone.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
#778
RB
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PISH Artist
Posted 28 August 2008 - 06:52 PM
A woman visited a plastic surgeon who told her about a new procedure called 'The Knob,' where a small knob is placed at the top of the woman's head and could be turned to tighten up her skin and produce the effect of a brand new face-lift. Of course, the woman wanted 'The Knob.'
Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the knob, and the effects were wonderful, the woman remained young looking and vibrant.
After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems.
All these years, everything has been working just fine. I've had to turn the knob many times and I've always loved the results. But now I've developed two annoying problems: First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won't get rid of them.'
The doctor looked at her closely and said, 'Those aren't bags, those are your breasts.'
She said, 'Well, I guess there's no point in asking about the goatee.'
Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the knob, and the effects were wonderful, the woman remained young looking and vibrant.
After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems.
All these years, everything has been working just fine. I've had to turn the knob many times and I've always loved the results. But now I've developed two annoying problems: First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won't get rid of them.'
The doctor looked at her closely and said, 'Those aren't bags, those are your breasts.'
She said, 'Well, I guess there's no point in asking about the goatee.'
Cyberpunk:- alienated loner who lives on the edge of society in generally dystopic future where daily life is impacted by rapid technological change, an ubiquitous datasphere of computerized information, and invasive modification of the human body.....Hmmmmm
[SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]
[SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]
#779
mazooma
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I'm not dead yet
Posted 29 August 2008 - 07:36 PM
August 29
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Traffic cop: Please blow into this bag, ma'am.
Woman: Why, are your chips too hot?
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Traffic cop: Please blow into this bag, ma'am.
Woman: Why, are your chips too hot?
Where you came from, is gone.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
#780
mazooma
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- Regulars
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- 915 posts
I'm not dead yet
Posted 30 August 2008 - 04:43 PM
August 30
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An explorer in the jumgle saw a pygmy beside a dead elephant.
"What happened to this elephant?" he asked.
"I killed it with my club," replied the pygmy.
"That's amazing! How big is your club?"
"Oh, there's about 100 of us."
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An explorer in the jumgle saw a pygmy beside a dead elephant.
"What happened to this elephant?" he asked.
"I killed it with my club," replied the pygmy.
"That's amazing! How big is your club?"
"Oh, there's about 100 of us."
Where you came from, is gone.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
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