2120 replies to this topic

[RB]

It was a beautiful, warm spring morning. A man and his wife were spending the day at the zoo. She was wearing a loose-fitting, pink dress - sleeveless with straps. He was wearing his usual jeans and T-shirt.

As they walked through the ape exhibit, they passed in front of a large, silverback gorilla. Noticing the wife, the gorilla went crazy. He jumped on the bars, and holding on with one hand and 2 feet, he grunted and pounded his chest with his free hand. He was obviously excited at the pretty lady in the pink dress.

The husband, noticing the excitement had thought that this was funny. He suggested that his wife tease the poor fellow some more by puckering her lips and wiggling her bottom. She played along and the gorilla got even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead.

Then the husband suggested that she let one of her straps fall to show a little more skin. She did, and the gorilla was about to tear the bars down. "Now show your thighs and sort of fan your dress at him," he said. This drove the gorilla absolutely crazy, and he started doing flips.

Then the husband grabbed his wife, ripped open the door to the cage, flung her in with the gorilla and slammed the cage door shut. "Now, tell HIM that you have a headache!”

[ady]

Hmmm made this one up if you can't tell!!!



(Not intended to be a political statement just a bit of fun)

[RB]

An old Indian chief sat in his hut on the reservation, smoking a ceremonial pipe and eyeing two U.S government officials sent to interview him.

"Chief Two Eagles" asked one official, "You have observed the white man for 90 years. You've seen his wars and his technological advances You've seen his progress, and the damage he's done."

The Chief nodded in agreement.

The official continued, "Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?"

The Chief stared at the government officials for over a minute and then calmly replied; "When white man found the land, Indians were running it. No taxes, no debt, plenty buffalo, plenty beaver, women did all the work,Medicine Man free, Indian man spent all day hunting and fishing, all night having sex."
Then the chief leaned back and smiled ..... "Only white man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that."

[RB]

The Seven Dwarfs went to the Vatican, and got ushered in to see the Pope. Dopey led the pack. "Dopey, my son," said the Pope, "what can I do for you?" Dopey asked, "Excuse me, Your Eminence, but are there any dwarf nuns in Rome?" The Pope wrinkled his brow at the odd question, thought for a moment and answered, "No Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome." In the background the dwarfs started giggling. Dopey turned around and gave them a fiery stare, silencing them. Dopey turned back to the Pope. "Your Holiness, are there any dwarf nuns in all of Europe?" The Pope, puzzled again, answered, "No Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in all of Europe." This time, all the dwarfs burst into laughter. Once again, Dopey turned around and silenced them all with an angry stare. Dopey turned back to the Pope and said, "Mr. Pope, are there ANY dwarf nuns in the whole world?" The Pope answered, "I'm sorry, my son, there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world." The other dwarfs collapsed into a heap, rolling and laughing, tears running down their cheeks as they began chanting: "Dopey screwed a penguin, Dopey screwed a penguin!"

[RB]

A guy comes down for breakfast one morning and sees his wife at the stove with the frying pan on, and one of his socks in it.

Husband: What the f*** are you doing?!!
Wife: I'm only doing what you begged me to do all last night!!
Husband: I wasn't asking you to COOK MY SOCK !!!

[jay2]

"Dopey screwed a penguin, Dopey screwed a penguin!"

I have had a really shitty day today,and this just creased me up.

Nice one RB

"Dopey screwed a peng....It gets me everytime

Jay2

[high roller]

I was happy.
My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year,
and so we decided to get married. My parents helped us
in every way, my friends encouraged me, and my
girlfriend? She was a dream!
There was only one thing bothering me, very much
indeed, and that one thing was her younger sister.
My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of
age, wore tight mini skirts and low cut blouses. She
would regularly bend down when quite near me and I got
many a pleasant view of her underwear. It had to be
deliberate. She never did it when she was near
anyone else.
One day little sister called and asked me to come over
to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I
arrived. She whispered to me that soon I was to be
married, and she had feelings and desires for me that
she couldn't overcome and didn't really want to
overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to
me just once before I got married and committed my
life to her sister. I was in total shock and couldn't
say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my
bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it, just
come up and get
me." I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched
her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she
pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs
at me.
I stood there for a moment, then turned and went
straight to the front door. I opened the door and
stepped out of the house. I walked straight towards my
car.
My future father-in-law was standing outside.
With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said, "We are
very happy that you have passed our little test. We
couldn't ask for better man for our daughter. Welcome
to the family."
The moral of this story is:



always keep your condoms in your car.

[high roller]

A middle aged woman had a heart attack and was taken
to the hospital.

While on the operating table she had a near death
experience. Seeing God she asked, "is my time up?"

God said, "No you have another 43 years, 2 months and
8 days to live."


Upon hearing this, the woman decided to stay in the
hospital and have liposuction and a tummy tuck. She
even had someone change her hair colour.

Since she had so much more time to live, she figured
she might as well make the most of it.

She was released from the hospital. While crossing
the street on her way home, she was killed by a car.

Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you
said I had another 43 years? Why didn't you pull me
from out of the path of the car?"


God replied, "I didn't recognize you."

[high roller]

What did Jesus say to his Twelve Apostles as he was being naied to the cross? "Don't touch my bloody Easter eggs - I'll be back on Sunday!"
--
A small child is lost in a tescos supermarket, the security guard asks the little girl "Whats your mummy like?" The child replis "Big cocks and vodka!"

[high roller]

A dustbin man is going along a street picking up the wheelie bins and emptying them into the back of the rubbish truck. He gets to one house where the bin hasn't been left out so he has a quick look for it, goes round the back but still can't see it so he knocks on the door. There's no answer so he knocks again.

Eventually a chinese bloke answers...
Where's your bin, mate?" asks the dustman "I bin on toilet" replies the chinese guy, looking perplexed. Realising the chinese fellow has misunderstood, the dustman smiles and says "No mate, where's ya dust bin?"

"I dust bin on toilet I told you" says the chinese man. "Mate!" says the dustman... "You're misunderstanding me... Where's your WHEELIE BIN?" "OK! OK!" says the chinese bloke, "I wheelie bin having a $&%#!"

[RB]

A monkey is sitting in a tree smoking a joint when a lizard walks past and looks up and says to the monkey "Hey! What are you doing?"
The monkey says "Smoking a joint, come up and have some."
So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they have a few puffs. After a while the lizard says his mouth is 'dry' and is going to get a drink from the river.
The lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls into the river. A Crocodile sees this and swims over to the lizard and helps him to the shore, then asks the lizard, "What's the matter with you?"
The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting smoking a joint with the monkey in the tree, got too stoned and then fell into the river while trying to get a drink.
The crocodile says he has to check this out and walks into the jungle, finds the tree were the monkey is sitting, finishing a joint, and he looks up and says "Hey you!"
The Monkey looks down and says "Fuuuuuuuuck! Duuuude!.......How much water did you drink?!!"

[RB]

A woman is in a coma. The Nurses are in her room giving her a sponge bath. One of them is washing her "private area" and notices that there is a response on the monitor when she touches her. They go to her husband and explain what happened, telling him, "Crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of the coma."
The husband is sceptical, but they assure him that they'll close the curtains for privacy. Besides it's worth a try!! The hubby finally agrees and goes into his wife's room. After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat-lines...no pulse...no heart rate. The nurses run into the room. The husband is standing there, and says, "I think she choked!!"

[PJ]

What's a copper's least favourite football score?


Birmingham 6, Guildford 4...

[RB]

A vampire bat came flapping in from the night, face all covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the ceiling of the cave to get some sleep.
Pretty soon all the other bats could smell the blood and began hassling him about where he got it. He told them to piss off and let him get some sleep, but they persisted until he finally gave in.
"OK, follow me", he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him. Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a huge forest. Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him, tongues hanging out for blood.
Do you see that large oak tree over there?" he asked. Yes, yes, YES!!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy. Good" said the first bat, "because I f***en didn't"

[RB]

Q. Why did God give men penises?
A. So they'd have at least one way to shut a woman up.

Q. What are the small bumps around a woman's nipples for?
A. It's Braille for "suck here".

Q. Why do men die before their wives?
A. They want to.

Q. Did you hear about the guy who finally figured out women?
A. He died laughing before he could tell anybody.

Q. What's the difference between a woman with PMS and a pit bull?
A. Lipstick.

Q. What's the difference between a woman and a coffin?
A. You come in one and go in the other.

Q. Why do women close their eyes during sex?
A. They can't stand seeing a man have a good time.

Q. What's six inches long and two inches wide and drives women wild?
A. Money.

Q. What's the best thing about a blow job?
A. Ten minutes of silence.

[PJ]

Why are women like dog turds?


The older they get, the easier they are to pick up...

...and if you tread on them, you'll never get rid of them!

[RB]

Rules Men Wish Women Knew






If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

Learn to work the toilet seat: if it's up put it down.

Don't cut your hair. Ever.

Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if he can find the perfect present, again!

If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

Sometimes, he's not thinking about you. Live with it.

Don't ask him what he's thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lent, the shotgun formation and monster trucks.

Get rid of your cat. And no, it's not different, it's just like every other cat.

Dogs are better than ANY cats. Period.

Sunday = Sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

Shopping is not sport.

Anything you wear is fine. Really.

You have enough clothes.

You have too many shoes.

Crying is blackmail. Use it if you must, but don't expect us to like it.

Your brother is an idiot, your ex-boyfriend is an idiot and your Dad probably is too.

Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don't work.

No, he doesn't know what day it is. He never will. Mark anniversaries on a calendar.

Yes, pissing standing up is more difficult than peeing from point blank range. We're bound to miss sometimes.

Most guys own two to three pairs of shoes-what makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?

Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers.

A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

Your Mom doesn't have to be our best friend.

Foreign films are best left to foreigners.

Check your oil.

Don't give us 50 rules when 25 will do.

Don't fake it. We'd rather be ineffective than deceived.

It is neither in your best interest nor ours to take the quiz together.

Anything we said 6 or 8 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after 7 days.

If you don't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad and angry, we meant the other one.

Let us ogle. If we don't look at other women, how can we know how pretty you are?

Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out.

You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done not both.

Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

Christopher Columbus didn't need directions, and neither do we.

Women wearing Wonderbras and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at.

Consider Golf a mini-vacation from you. We need it, just like you do.

Telling us that the models in the men's magazines are airbrushed makes you look jealous and petty and it's certainly not going to deter us from reading the magazines.

The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out.

Anyone can buy condoms.

[RB]

An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Australian walk into a pub. They proceed to each buy a pint of Guinness. Just as they were about to enjoy their creamy beverage three flies landed in each of their pints, and were stuck in the thick head.
The Englishman pushed his beer away from him in disgust. The Scotsman fished the offending fly out of his beer and continued drinking it as if nothing had happened. The Australian too, picked the fly out of his drink, held it out over the beer and then started yelling, "SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT YOU BASTARD!!!"

[RB]

A local business was looking for office help. They put a sign in the window saying: "HELP WANTED. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer."

A short time afterwards, a golden retriever dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined. Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least. However, the dog looked determined, so he led him into the office. Inside, the dog jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager.

The manager said, "I can't hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type."

The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager and gave it to him, then jumped back on the chair.

The manager was stunned, but then told the dog, "The sign says you have to be good with a computer."

The dog jumped down again and went to the computer. The dog proceeded to demonstrate his expertise with various programs and produced a sample spreadsheet and database and presented them to the manager. By this time the manager was totally dumbfounded! He looked at the dog and said, "I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities. However, I *still* can't give you the job."

The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the part about being an Equal Opportunity Employer.

The manager said, "Yes, but the sign *also* says that you have to be bilingual."

The dog looked at him straight in the face and said, "Meow."

[RB]

Because I'm a man, when I catch a cold, I need someone to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You're a woman. You never get as sick as I do, so for you this isn't a problem.

Because I'm a man, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the store, like milk or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items like "cumin" or "tofu." For all I know, these are the same thing. And never, under any circumstances, expect me to pick up anything for which "feminine hygiene product" is a euphemism. (F.Y.I. guys cumin is a spice and not a bodily function)

Because I'm a man, when one of our appliances stops working, I will insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as much, once the repair person gets here and has to put it back together.

Because I'm a man, I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I may miss a whole show looking for it (though one time I was able to survive by holding a calculator)...applies to engineers mainly.

Because I'm a man, there is no need to ask me what I'm thinking about. The answer is always either sex, cars or football. I have to make up something else when you ask, so don't ask.

Because I'm a man, I do not want to visit your mother, or have your mother come visit us, or talk to her when she calls, or think about her any more than I have to. Whatever you got her for Mother's Day is okay; I don't need to see it. And don't forget to pick up something for my mother too.

Because I'm a man, you don't have to ask me if I liked the movie. Chances are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't.... and if you are feeling amorous afterwards...then I will certainly at least remember the name and recommend it to others.

Because I'm a man, I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it, looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go now?

Because I'm a man, and this is, after all, the year 2005, I will share equally in the housework. You just do the laundry, the cooking, the cleaning, the vacuuming, and the dishes, and I'll do the rest... like looking for my socks, or like wandering around in the garden with a beer wondering what to do.