August 31
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Seen on a frozen dinner packet:
Serving suggestion: defrost.
2120 replies to this topic
#781
mazooma
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I'm not dead yet
Posted 31 August 2008 - 10:17 AM
Where you came from, is gone.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
#782
ady
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The furniture
Posted 31 August 2008 - 07:07 PM
hahaha just had this via email.......
A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome
cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring. He replies:
'I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you.' She answers, 'My
son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as
I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that
there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive..' 'Well, I've
always had a fantasy to have sex with a nun.' She responds, 'Well, let's see what we
can do about that: #1, You have to be single#2, You must be Catholic.# 3, I have to
save my virginity, you will have to enter me from behind. The cab driver is very
excited and says, 'Yes, I'm single, Catholic, and I'm happy to enter from behind!'
'OK' the nun says. 'Pull into the next alley.' The nun fulfills his fantasy, in a
way that would make a hooker blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab
driver starts crying.. 'My dear child,' says the nun, 'why are you crying?' 'Forgive
me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish..' The
nun says, 'That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to fancy dress party.'
A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome
cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring. He replies:
'I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you.' She answers, 'My
son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as
I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that
there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive..' 'Well, I've
always had a fantasy to have sex with a nun.' She responds, 'Well, let's see what we
can do about that: #1, You have to be single#2, You must be Catholic.# 3, I have to
save my virginity, you will have to enter me from behind. The cab driver is very
excited and says, 'Yes, I'm single, Catholic, and I'm happy to enter from behind!'
'OK' the nun says. 'Pull into the next alley.' The nun fulfills his fantasy, in a
way that would make a hooker blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab
driver starts crying.. 'My dear child,' says the nun, 'why are you crying?' 'Forgive
me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish..' The
nun says, 'That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to fancy dress party.'
#783
cardie
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Me Gusta
Posted 31 August 2008 - 07:12 PM
pmsssslll thats classichahaha just had this via email.......
A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome
cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring. He replies:
'I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you.' She answers, 'My
son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as
I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that
there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive..' 'Well, I've
always had a fantasy to have sex with a nun.' She responds, 'Well, let's see what we
can do about that: #1, You have to be single#2, You must be Catholic.# 3, I have to
save my virginity, you will have to enter me from behind. The cab driver is very
excited and says, 'Yes, I'm single, Catholic, and I'm happy to enter from behind!'
'OK' the nun says. 'Pull into the next alley.' The nun fulfills his fantasy, in a
way that would make a hooker blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab
driver starts crying.. 'My dear child,' says the nun, 'why are you crying?' 'Forgive
me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish..' The
nun says, 'That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to fancy dress party.'
#784
PJ
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Condom Testing Department
Posted 01 September 2008 - 11:05 AM
Yeh, I've been caught like that an' all - bloody catholics...
Edited by PJ, 01 September 2008 - 11:11 AM.
Winning is not a crime...
NEITHER IS SWEARING!!!
NEITHER IS SWEARING!!!
#785
mazooma
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I'm not dead yet
Posted 01 September 2008 - 05:50 PM
September 1
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Two men were fishing when approched by the fishing inspector.
One ran off, and the inspector persued him. When he was caught, the man pulled out a valid fishing licence.
"You don't have to run from me if you have a valid licence," said the peplexed inspector.
The fisherman replied, "I know, but my buddy doesn't have one."
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Two men were fishing when approched by the fishing inspector.
One ran off, and the inspector persued him. When he was caught, the man pulled out a valid fishing licence.
"You don't have to run from me if you have a valid licence," said the peplexed inspector.
The fisherman replied, "I know, but my buddy doesn't have one."
Where you came from, is gone.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
#786
RB
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PISH Artist
Posted 01 September 2008 - 11:04 PM
When things in your life seem almost too much to handle, when 24 hours in a day are not enough, remember the mayonnaise jar and the 2 Beers.
A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, he wordlessly picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls. He then asked the students if the jar was full.
They agreed that it was.
The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf balls. He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was.
The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. He asked once more if the jar was full. The students responded with an unanimous 'yes.
The professor then produced two Beers from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar effectively
filling the empty space between the sand. The students laughed.
'Now,' said the professor as the laughter subsided, 'I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life. The golf balls are the important things---your family, your children, your health, your friends and your favorite passions---and if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full.
The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house and your car. The sand is everything else---the small stuff. 'If you put the sand into the jar first,' he continued, 'there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls. The same goes for life.
If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff you will never have room for the things that are important to you.
'Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Spend time with your children and grandchildren. Spend time with your parents. Visit with grandparents. Take time to get medical checkups. Take your spouse out to dinner.
Play another 18. There will always be time to clean the house and fix the disposal. Take care of the golf balls first---the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand.'
One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the Beer represented. The professor smiled and said, 'I'm
glad you asked.'
The Beer just shows you that no matter how full your life may seem, there's always room for a couple of Beers with a friend.
A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, he wordlessly picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls. He then asked the students if the jar was full.
They agreed that it was.
The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf balls. He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was.
The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. He asked once more if the jar was full. The students responded with an unanimous 'yes.
The professor then produced two Beers from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar effectively
filling the empty space between the sand. The students laughed.
'Now,' said the professor as the laughter subsided, 'I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life. The golf balls are the important things---your family, your children, your health, your friends and your favorite passions---and if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full.
The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house and your car. The sand is everything else---the small stuff. 'If you put the sand into the jar first,' he continued, 'there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls. The same goes for life.
If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff you will never have room for the things that are important to you.
'Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Spend time with your children and grandchildren. Spend time with your parents. Visit with grandparents. Take time to get medical checkups. Take your spouse out to dinner.
Play another 18. There will always be time to clean the house and fix the disposal. Take care of the golf balls first---the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand.'
One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the Beer represented. The professor smiled and said, 'I'm
glad you asked.'
The Beer just shows you that no matter how full your life may seem, there's always room for a couple of Beers with a friend.
Cyberpunk:- alienated loner who lives on the edge of society in generally dystopic future where daily life is impacted by rapid technological change, an ubiquitous datasphere of computerized information, and invasive modification of the human body.....Hmmmmm
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#787
mazooma
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I'm not dead yet
Posted 02 September 2008 - 06:29 PM
September 2
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Officer: Soldier, can I borrow a dollar?
Soldier: Sure, buddy.
Officer: That's no way to address an officer! Let's try that again. Can I borrow a dollar?
Soldier: No, sir!
------------
Officer: Soldier, can I borrow a dollar?
Soldier: Sure, buddy.
Officer: That's no way to address an officer! Let's try that again. Can I borrow a dollar?
Soldier: No, sir!
Where you came from, is gone.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
#788
mazooma
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I'm not dead yet
Posted 03 September 2008 - 06:15 PM
September 3
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A man goes into a drugstore and asks for something to treat hiccups. The pharmacist slaps him accross the face.
"What did you do that for?" the man demands.
"Well you don't have hiccups anymore, do you?" the pharmacist replies.
"No, but my wife out in the car does!"
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A man goes into a drugstore and asks for something to treat hiccups. The pharmacist slaps him accross the face.
"What did you do that for?" the man demands.
"Well you don't have hiccups anymore, do you?" the pharmacist replies.
"No, but my wife out in the car does!"
Where you came from, is gone.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
#789
mazooma
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I'm not dead yet
Posted 04 September 2008 - 06:50 PM
September 4
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A flight attendant was checking tickets at the departure gate. As the last man walked up, he opened his coat and flashed her. "Sorry, sir," she said. "I need to see your ticket, not the stub."
------------
A flight attendant was checking tickets at the departure gate. As the last man walked up, he opened his coat and flashed her. "Sorry, sir," she said. "I need to see your ticket, not the stub."
Where you came from, is gone.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
#790
RB
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PISH Artist
Posted 04 September 2008 - 09:33 PM
A very successful lawyer parked his brand-new Lexus in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got out, a truck passed too close and completely tore the door off of the driver's side. The lawyer immediately grabbed his cell phone, dialed 999, and within minutes a policeman pulled up.
Before the officer had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically. His Lexus, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter what the body shop did to it.
When the lawyer finally wound down from his ranting and raving, the officer shook his head in disgust and disbelief.
"I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else."
"How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer.
The cop replied, "Don't you know that your left arm is missing from the elbow down? It must have been torn off when the truck hit you."
"Ahhh!" screamed the lawyer. "Where's my Rolex!"
Before the officer had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically. His Lexus, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter what the body shop did to it.
When the lawyer finally wound down from his ranting and raving, the officer shook his head in disgust and disbelief.
"I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else."
"How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer.
The cop replied, "Don't you know that your left arm is missing from the elbow down? It must have been torn off when the truck hit you."
"Ahhh!" screamed the lawyer. "Where's my Rolex!"
Cyberpunk:- alienated loner who lives on the edge of society in generally dystopic future where daily life is impacted by rapid technological change, an ubiquitous datasphere of computerized information, and invasive modification of the human body.....Hmmmmm
[SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]
[SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]
#791
mazooma
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I'm not dead yet
Posted 05 September 2008 - 05:51 PM
September 5 - Is this the best i can do for my 500th post?
--------------------------------------------------------
What's the difference between an insurance company actuary and a mafia actuary?
An insurance company actuary can tell you how many people will die this year. A mafia actuary can name them.
=========================================================
I'm stupid too
Actuary - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
--------------------------------------------------------
What's the difference between an insurance company actuary and a mafia actuary?
An insurance company actuary can tell you how many people will die this year. A mafia actuary can name them.
=========================================================
I'm stupid too
Actuary - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
Where you came from, is gone.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
#793
aaamusements
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Admin
Posted 05 September 2008 - 06:00 PM
hello
Hello!
This is a thread for jokes!
Hence why I am here!
(Welcome to the forum
)
#794
RB
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PISH Artist
Posted 05 September 2008 - 08:25 PM
Two guys get busted for smoking dope, so they have to go into court on a Friday. They go to court and the judge says, "If you can convince more than 5 people to stop doing drugs for the rest of their lives, you won't be sent to jail."
So the two men agree and the judge tells them to come back on Monday.
So the two guys come back on Monday and the judge asks how they did.
''I got 17 people to get off drugs,'' says the first guy.
''Wow, how'd you do that?'' asks the judge.
''I used circles. I told them that this large circle is your brain before drugs and this small circle is your brain after drugs.''
''Oh, that's nothing!" said the second guy. "I convinced 156 people to get off drugs.''
''Wow. How'd you do that?'' asked the judge.
''Well, I used circles too. I told them this small circle is your butthole before prison...''
So the two men agree and the judge tells them to come back on Monday.
So the two guys come back on Monday and the judge asks how they did.
''I got 17 people to get off drugs,'' says the first guy.
''Wow, how'd you do that?'' asks the judge.
''I used circles. I told them that this large circle is your brain before drugs and this small circle is your brain after drugs.''
''Oh, that's nothing!" said the second guy. "I convinced 156 people to get off drugs.''
''Wow. How'd you do that?'' asked the judge.
''Well, I used circles too. I told them this small circle is your butthole before prison...''
Cyberpunk:- alienated loner who lives on the edge of society in generally dystopic future where daily life is impacted by rapid technological change, an ubiquitous datasphere of computerized information, and invasive modification of the human body.....Hmmmmm
[SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]
[SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]
#795
RB
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PISH Artist
Posted 06 September 2008 - 06:28 PM
What's the difference between Michael Jackson and Santa?
Nothing, they both leave children's bedrooms with empty sacks!
Nothing, they both leave children's bedrooms with empty sacks!
Cyberpunk:- alienated loner who lives on the edge of society in generally dystopic future where daily life is impacted by rapid technological change, an ubiquitous datasphere of computerized information, and invasive modification of the human body.....Hmmmmm
[SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]
[SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]
#796
mazooma
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I'm not dead yet
Posted 06 September 2008 - 08:19 PM
September 6
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A drunk in a bar announced thet he was giving up alcohol. Everyone laughed and temped him by bying him drinks, until he was drunk as usual. The next night he did the same thing, and the next. Eventually the bartender said, "Every night you just end up drunk again. Why do you keep trying?"
"What," replied the drunk, "give up all that free alcohol?"
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A drunk in a bar announced thet he was giving up alcohol. Everyone laughed and temped him by bying him drinks, until he was drunk as usual. The next night he did the same thing, and the next. Eventually the bartender said, "Every night you just end up drunk again. Why do you keep trying?"
"What," replied the drunk, "give up all that free alcohol?"
Where you came from, is gone.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
#797
mazooma
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- 915 posts
I'm not dead yet
Posted 07 September 2008 - 06:57 PM
September 7
------------
A tax advisor was reading the story of Cinderella to his young daughter. When he got to the part about the pumpkin turning into a golden coach, his daughter became very thoughtful. After a while she asked, "Daddy, when the pumpkin turned into a coach, would that be classed as income or a capital gain?"
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A tax advisor was reading the story of Cinderella to his young daughter. When he got to the part about the pumpkin turning into a golden coach, his daughter became very thoughtful. After a while she asked, "Daddy, when the pumpkin turned into a coach, would that be classed as income or a capital gain?"
Where you came from, is gone.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
#798
mazooma
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- 915 posts
I'm not dead yet
Posted 08 September 2008 - 06:23 PM
September 8
------------
"Do you believe your husband when he says he goes fishing every weekend?" asked Jane's best friend.
"Why shouldn't I?" Jane replied.
"He might be having an affair."
"No - he never comes back with any fish."
------------
"Do you believe your husband when he says he goes fishing every weekend?" asked Jane's best friend.
"Why shouldn't I?" Jane replied.
"He might be having an affair."
"No - he never comes back with any fish."
Where you came from, is gone.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
#799
RB
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PISH Artist
Posted 08 September 2008 - 07:05 PM
There was a woman who was interested in getting a boob job, so she went to her doctor, Dr. Smith and questioned him about implants. He explained that, before you do anything too serious, there is a method that has worked for a lot of my patients. Every morning when you wake up rub your boobs and say ''Scoobie doobie doobie, give me bigger boobies.'' She did this faithfully for weeks and noticed one day that they actually were getting bigger, she was very impressed.
One morning she woke up, late for work and very rushed. By the time she got on the bus she realized that she forgot to go through her routine. So standing on the bus, while rubbing her boobs she says ''Scoobie doobie doobie, give me bigger boobies''. The man standing next to her says, ''You go to Dr. Smith?'' ''Yes,'' she said, ''how did you know?'' He replies ''Hickory dickory dock!''
One morning she woke up, late for work and very rushed. By the time she got on the bus she realized that she forgot to go through her routine. So standing on the bus, while rubbing her boobs she says ''Scoobie doobie doobie, give me bigger boobies''. The man standing next to her says, ''You go to Dr. Smith?'' ''Yes,'' she said, ''how did you know?'' He replies ''Hickory dickory dock!''
Cyberpunk:- alienated loner who lives on the edge of society in generally dystopic future where daily life is impacted by rapid technological change, an ubiquitous datasphere of computerized information, and invasive modification of the human body.....Hmmmmm
[SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]
[SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]
#800
RB
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PISH Artist
Posted 08 September 2008 - 07:13 PM
Four surgeons were sitting around discussing who they like to operate on.
The first surgeon said, "I like operating on librarians. When you open them up everything is in alphabetical order".
The second surgeon said, "I like operating on accountants. When you open them up everything is in numerical order".
The third surgeon said, "I like operating on electricians. When you open them up everything is color coded.
The fourth surgeon said, "I like operating on politicians."
The other three surgeons looked at each other in disbelief. One of them asked why.
The fourth surgeon replied, "Because they are heartless, gutless, spineless, and their ass and head are interchangeable".
The first surgeon said, "I like operating on librarians. When you open them up everything is in alphabetical order".
The second surgeon said, "I like operating on accountants. When you open them up everything is in numerical order".
The third surgeon said, "I like operating on electricians. When you open them up everything is color coded.
The fourth surgeon said, "I like operating on politicians."
The other three surgeons looked at each other in disbelief. One of them asked why.
The fourth surgeon replied, "Because they are heartless, gutless, spineless, and their ass and head are interchangeable".
Cyberpunk:- alienated loner who lives on the edge of society in generally dystopic future where daily life is impacted by rapid technological change, an ubiquitous datasphere of computerized information, and invasive modification of the human body.....Hmmmmm
[SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]
[SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]
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