October 18
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My wife suggested a book for me to read to enhance our relationship. It's called Women are from Venus, Men are Wrong.
2120 replies to this topic
#901
mazooma
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Posted 18 October 2008 - 09:38 PM
Where you came from, is gone.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
#902
Deano
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Posted 18 October 2008 - 09:43 PM
The Irish have solved the fuel problems.They have bought 5 million tonnes of sand from the Arabs and they are going to drill for their own oil.
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#903
mazooma
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Posted 19 October 2008 - 07:20 PM
October 19
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A man with six kids is very proud of himself. He calls his wife "Mother of Six", even though she hates it. One night, when leaving a party at a friend's house, he calls to her, "Time to go home, mother of six!"
Fed up she replies, "I'm coming, Father of Four!"
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A man with six kids is very proud of himself. He calls his wife "Mother of Six", even though she hates it. One night, when leaving a party at a friend's house, he calls to her, "Time to go home, mother of six!"
Fed up she replies, "I'm coming, Father of Four!"
Where you came from, is gone.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
#904
mazooma
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Posted 20 October 2008 - 06:10 PM
October 20
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Three golfers were arguing loudly while a fourth lay dead in a bunker. A club official came over. "What's going on here?" he asked.
"My partner had a stroke, and these two bastards want to add it to my score!"
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Three golfers were arguing loudly while a fourth lay dead in a bunker. A club official came over. "What's going on here?" he asked.
"My partner had a stroke, and these two bastards want to add it to my score!"
Where you came from, is gone.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
#905
Deano
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Posted 20 October 2008 - 07:02 PM
Amy Winehouse bumps into Jeremy Clarkson and they start to chat.She says to him"What do you do". He says "Top Gear".She says"Fu***ng brilliant,ill have 3 grams".
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#906
mazooma
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Posted 21 October 2008 - 07:23 PM
October 21
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How many surrealists does it take to change a lightbulb?
Two.
One to hold the giraffe, and the other to fill the bathtub with brightly coloured machine tools.
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How many surrealists does it take to change a lightbulb?
Two.
One to hold the giraffe, and the other to fill the bathtub with brightly coloured machine tools.
Where you came from, is gone.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
#907
RB
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Posted 21 October 2008 - 08:05 PM
I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Richard, the 11 year old next door whose bedroom looks like Mission Control, and asked him to come over. Richard clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.
As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong?
He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.'
I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, 'An, ID ten T error? What's that? In case I need to fix it again.'
Richard grinned. 'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?''
No,' I replied.
'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure it out..........
So I it wrote down: I D 1 0 T
As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong?
He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.'
I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, 'An, ID ten T error? What's that? In case I need to fix it again.'
Richard grinned. 'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?''
No,' I replied.
'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure it out..........
So I it wrote down: I D 1 0 T
Cyberpunk:- alienated loner who lives on the edge of society in generally dystopic future where daily life is impacted by rapid technological change, an ubiquitous datasphere of computerized information, and invasive modification of the human body.....Hmmmmm
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#908
Deano
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Posted 21 October 2008 - 10:02 PM
Little boy loses his mum in the supermarket.Security guard finds him upset and says "Dont worry,little boy we will find your mum.Whats she like".
Boy says"Bum sex and vodka".
Boy says"Bum sex and vodka".
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#909
mazooma
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Posted 22 October 2008 - 06:20 PM
October 22
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What's the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don't know, and I don't care.
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What's the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don't know, and I don't care.
Where you came from, is gone.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
#910
RB
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PISH Artist
Posted 23 October 2008 - 02:01 PM
Two Irishmen were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up.
A blonde walks by and asked them what they were doing. Paddy replied, ' We ' re supposed to be finding the height of this flagpole, but we don ' t have a ladder. '
The blonde took out an adjustable spanner from her bag, loosened a few bolts and laid the flagpole down.
She got a tape measure out of her pocket, took a few measurements, and announced that it was 18 feet 6 inches.
Then, she walked off.
Mick said to Paddy, ' Isn't that just like a blonde! We need the height and she gives us the length.
A blonde walks by and asked them what they were doing. Paddy replied, ' We ' re supposed to be finding the height of this flagpole, but we don ' t have a ladder. '
The blonde took out an adjustable spanner from her bag, loosened a few bolts and laid the flagpole down.
She got a tape measure out of her pocket, took a few measurements, and announced that it was 18 feet 6 inches.
Then, she walked off.
Mick said to Paddy, ' Isn't that just like a blonde! We need the height and she gives us the length.
Cyberpunk:- alienated loner who lives on the edge of society in generally dystopic future where daily life is impacted by rapid technological change, an ubiquitous datasphere of computerized information, and invasive modification of the human body.....Hmmmmm
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#911
mazooma
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Posted 23 October 2008 - 06:35 PM
October 23
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Aircraft maintenance requests and maintenance crew responses:
Pilot: Number three engine missing.
Maintenance: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
Pilot: Test flight OK, but auto-land vry rough.
Maintenance: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
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Aircraft maintenance requests and maintenance crew responses:
Pilot: Number three engine missing.
Maintenance: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
Pilot: Test flight OK, but auto-land vry rough.
Maintenance: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
Where you came from, is gone.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
#912
curlywill
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Posted 23 October 2008 - 08:28 PM
paddy on death row gets the chance to be shot,hung or injected with the aids virus. he says " give me that aids stuff." they inject him and he rolls around on the floor laughing. the warden says "what's so funny?". paddy says "im wearing a condom!"
#913
curlywill
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Posted 23 October 2008 - 08:33 PM
a boy says to social worker "i dont want to live with my parents because they beat me" she says "who do you want to live with then?" "the welsh rugby team because they dont beat anyone"
#914
mazooma
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Posted 24 October 2008 - 07:16 PM
October 24
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A sign in a Seville tailor's window:
Order now your summer suit. Because in a big rush, we will execute customers in strict rotation.
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A sign in a Seville tailor's window:
Order now your summer suit. Because in a big rush, we will execute customers in strict rotation.
Where you came from, is gone.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
#915
Deano
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Posted 24 October 2008 - 07:27 PM
paddy on death row gets the chance to be shot,hung or injected with the aids virus. he says " give me that aids stuff." they inject him and he rolls around on the floor laughing. the warden says "what's so funny?". paddy says "im wearing a condom!"
You nicked my joke you thief.(Post 888)
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#916
curlywill
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Posted 24 October 2008 - 07:43 PM
why did the blond climb on the pub roof? because she heard drinks were on the house
#917
curlywill
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Posted 24 October 2008 - 07:47 PM
sorry deano i didnt spot it
#918
Deano
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Posted 24 October 2008 - 07:51 PM
sorry deano i didnt spot it
It aint easy looking through over 900 posts,apology accepted;)
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#919
curlywill
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Posted 24 October 2008 - 09:15 PM
A little boy is playing with his train set,his mum overhears him saying"all you bastards getting off can f*** off.all you bastards getting on better f*****g hurry up!" his mum sends him to his room for two hours until he learns to be nice. when he starts playing again two hours later mum hears him say "those disembarking please mind the step and have a nice day,those boarding please enjoy journey and those upset at the two hour delay blame that fat c*** in the kitchen"
#920
Deano
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Posted 25 October 2008 - 01:45 PM
Not so much an old joke but saves starting a new thread.
The Americans have George Bush,Johnny Cash,Bob Hope and Stevie Wonder.
We have Gordon Brown,no cash,no hope and no fu***ng wonder!
The Americans have George Bush,Johnny Cash,Bob Hope and Stevie Wonder.
We have Gordon Brown,no cash,no hope and no fu***ng wonder!
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