2120 replies to this topic

[RB]

It aint easy looking through over 900 posts,apology accepted;)

Thats why there is a search function...LOL

[RB]

Here is this guy who really takes care of his body; he lifts weights and jogs five miles every day.

One morning, he looks into the mirror and admires his body. He notices that he is really sun tanned all over except one part and he decides to do something about it.

He goes to the beach, completely undresses and buries himself in the sand except for the one part sticking out.

Two little old ladies are strolling along the beach and one looks down and says, "There really is no justice in this world."

The other little old lady says, "What do you mean?"

The first little old lady says, "Look at that."

"When I was 10 years old, I was afraid of it."

"When I was 20 years old, I was curious about it."

"When I was 30 years old, I enjoyed it."

"When I was 40 years old, I asked for it."

"When I was 50 years old, I paid for it."

"When I was 60 years old, I prayed for it."

"When I was 70 years old, I forgot about it."

"And now that I'm 80, the damned things are growing wild!!"

[RB]

An old man is just back from Thailand with his new Thai bride.
Lying in bed,his new bride is playing with his manhood slowly stroking it up and down. The old man says
'You must love that, you haven't left it alone since we got back.'
The bride sighed wistfully and replied 'Not really .... I just really miss mine.'

[mazooma]

October 25
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Woman: Doctor, my husband thinks he's a refrigerator!

Doctor: Don't worry, it sounds harmless. It'll probably get better by itself in a little while.

Woman: You don't understand. He sleeps with his mouth open, and the little light is keeping me awake!

[Deano]

An old man is just back from Thailand with his new Thai bride.
Lying in bed,his new bride is playing with his manhood slowly stroking it up and down. The old man says
'You must love that, you haven't left it alone since we got back.'
The bride sighed wistfully and replied 'Not really .... I just really miss mine.'

Sigh,post 834.Try using the search facility lol;)

Slightly reworded,may I add

However 921 made me laugh,nice one

Edited by Deano, 25 October 2008 - 09:42 PM.
yep,pissed yet again

[RB]

Sigh,post 834.Try using the search facility lol;)

Slightly reworded,may I add

However 921 made me laugh,nice one

You could tell the same joke ten times in ten different ways and still be funny.
Its how i tell em...(Belfast accent)(copyright Frank carson)



Have you heard about the Irishman who reversed into a car boot sale and sold the engine?

[Deano]

Have you heard about the Irishman who reversed into a car boot sale and sold the engine?

Speaking of the Irish.
A man approaches a woman in a bar and whispers in her ear"I would love to fill your fanny with Guinness and then drink it all".
The woman runs off to her husband in disgust and tells him whats just happened.
"Arent you going to kick the shit out of him?". she asks.
"Nah,any man that can drink 25 pints is alright in my book".

[RB]

A man walks into a dentist's surgery and says, "Excuse me, can you help me. I think I'm a moth." "You don't need a dentist. You need a psychiatrist." "Yes, I know." "So, why did you come in here?" "The light was on..."

[mazooma]

October 26
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A doctor and a Baptist were on an airplane. The hostess came by with the drinks trolly, and the doctor ordered a stiff whiskey. When the hostess offered the minister a drink, he said, "No! I'd rather commit adultery than drink alcohol!"

The doctor immediately returned his drink saying, "I didn't know there was a choice!"

[RB]

A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony.
On his first day there he takes off his clothes and starts to wander around.

A gorgeous petite blonde walks by, and the man immediately gets an erection.
The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and says, "Did you call for me?"
The man replies, "No, what do you mean?"
She says, "You must be new here. Let me explain. It's a rule here that if you get an erection, it implies you called for me." Smiling, she leads him to the side of the swimming pool, lies down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.

The man continues to explore the colony's facilities. He enters the sauna and as he sits down, he farts.

Within minutes a huge, hairy man lumbers out of the steam room toward him, "Did you call for me?" says the hairy man.

"No, what do you mean?" says the newcomer.
"You must be new," says the hairy man, "it's a rule that if you fart, it
implies that you called for me."
The huge man easily spins him around, bends him over a bench and has his way with him.

The newcomer staggers back to the colony office, where he is greeted by the smiling, naked receptionist, "May I help you?" she says.
The man yells, "Here's my membership card. You can have the key back and you can keep the £500 membership fee."

"But, Sir," she replies, "you've only been here for a few hours.
You haven't had the chance to see all our facilities." The man replies, "Listen lady, I'm 68 years old. I only get an erection once a month. I fart 15 times a day."

[RB]

What's the difference between a wife, a nymphomaniac, and a hooker?
The nympho says, "You're done already?"
The hooker says, "Are you done yet?"
And the wife says, "Beige, I think I'll paint the ceiling beige."

[mazooma]

October 27
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A new patient goes to see a psychologist.

"Can you give me an idea of your case history?" asks the doctor. "Start at the beginning."

"Of course," replies the patient. "In the beginning, I created the heavens and the Earth....."

[Deano]

Snow White has been disqualified from Disneys X Factor.She was found sat on Pinnocchios face singing"Tell me lies,tell me sweet little lies".

[dtrmad2004]

A little boy wakes up 3 nights in a row when he hears a thumping sound coming from his parents room. Finally one morning he goes to his mam and says, Mammy, every night I hear you and daddy making noises and when I look in your bedroom you're bouncing up and down on him. His mam is taken by surprise and says, Oh..well...ah....well I'm bouncing on his stomach because he's fat and that makes him thin again. And the boy says, Well, that won't work! His mam says,Why?!? And the boy replies, Because the lady next door comes by after you leave each day and blows him back up!

[mazooma]

October 28
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Answers from college history exams:

Solomon had 300 wives and 600 porcupines.


Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him.

[RB]

Some Christsmas Carols to start learning that the fellow inmates here at the Asylum have taught me....

CHRISTMAS CAROLS FOR THE DISTURBED

* 1. Schizophrenia --- Do You Hear What I Hear?

* 2. Multiple Personality Disorder --- We Three Kings Disoriented Are

* 3. Dementia --- I Think I'll be Home for Christmas

* 4. Narcissistic --- Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me

* 5. Manic --- Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Buses and Trucks and Trees and.....

* 6. Paranoid --- Santa Claus is Coming to Town to Get Me

* 7. Borderline Personality Disorder --- Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire

* 8. Personality Disorder --- You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll Tell You Why

* 9. Attention Deficit Disorder --- Silent night, Holy oooh look at the Froggy - can I have a chocolate, why is France so far away?

* 10. Obsessive Compulsive Disorder -- - Jingle Bells,! Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle,Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells , Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells

[RB]

A train hits a bus load of Catholic school girls and they all perish.
They are all in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates past St. Peter.
St. Peter asks the first girl, "Jessica, have you ever had any contact with a penis?"
She giggles and shyly replies, "Well I once touched the head of one with the tip of my finger."
St. Peter says, "OK, dip the tip of your finger in The Holy Water and pass through the gate."
St. Peter asks the next girl the same question, "Jennifer have you ever had any contact with a penis?"
The girl is a little reluctant but replies, "Well once I fondled and stroked one."
St. Peter says, "OK, dip your whole hand in The Holy Water and pass through the gate."
All of a sudden there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls, one girl is pushing her way to the front of the line.
When she reaches the front of the line St. Peter says, "Lisa! What seems to be the rush?"
The girl replies, "If I'm going to have to gargle that Holy Water, I want to do it before Tiffany sticks her ass in it."

[RB]

A guy is forced to live in a remote Eskimo village but is having trouble interacting with the villagers.
Finally he corners one of them and asks why they won't talk to him.
The villager responds that he has not been initiated as a man.
He ask's what do I have to do?
The villager says, first you have to drink 2 bottles of Russian Vodka, then you have to go into a cave and kill a polar bear with your bare hands, then to seal your induction into manhood you have to make love for 10 hours straight with one of our women.
The man says he will do it.
That night there's a big party to initiate the stranger.
Everyone sits around the fire and they pass him a bottle of Vodka.
He down's about half without much trouble, but the second half is much more difficult. Finally he finishes it, and they pass him another.
He finally manages to finish off the second bottle and the crowd claps and sings.
Then he tried to get up but fell over drunk.
The chief picks him up and points him in the direction of the polar bear cave.
He staggers over and climbs in.
Suddenly there's a huge commotion from within the cave.
Bears growling and him screaming and wailing in pain.
Half an hour later he stumbles out of the cave, Torn to shreds, bloodied, and half dead. He turns to the crowd and drunkenly says,
Okaaaay now where's the woman I gotta kill?

[Deano]

Women are just like orange juice cartons,its not the shape,size or even how sweet the juice is,its getting those fuc***g flaps to open.

[mazooma]

October 29
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Air traffic control : Pilot, for noise reduction, please turn 30 degrees north.

Pilot: But I'm cruising at 20,000 feet. How much noise can I be making?

Air traffic control: Have you heard the noise when a 747 hits a fighter jet?