Kermit's finger
2120 replies to this topic
#981
stanmarsh14
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Sado-masochist
Posted 13 November 2008 - 01:57 AM
What's long and green and smells like sweet and sour pork?
Kermit's finger
Kermit's finger
#982
RB
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Posted 13 November 2008 - 03:29 PM
He didn't like the casserole
And he didn't like my cake.
He said my biscuits were too hard...
Not like his mother used to make.
I didn't perk the coffee right
He didn't like the stew,
I didn't mend his socks
The way his mother used to do.
I pondered for an answer
I was looking for a clue.
Then I turned around and smacked the shit out of him...
Like his mother used to do.
And he didn't like my cake.
He said my biscuits were too hard...
Not like his mother used to make.
I didn't perk the coffee right
He didn't like the stew,
I didn't mend his socks
The way his mother used to do.
I pondered for an answer
I was looking for a clue.
Then I turned around and smacked the shit out of him...
Like his mother used to do.
Cyberpunk:- alienated loner who lives on the edge of society in generally dystopic future where daily life is impacted by rapid technological change, an ubiquitous datasphere of computerized information, and invasive modification of the human body.....Hmmmmm
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#983
RB
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Posted 13 November 2008 - 03:34 PM
Two friends meet in the office of one of them, a notorious techno-geek.
"Hey, bud, how are ya?"
"I'm good. Congratulations, that new secretary of yours is beautiful!"
"Well, I'm glad you like her. Believe it or not, she's a robot!
"No way, how could that be?"
"Way! She's the latest model from Japan. Lemme tell you how she works. If you squeeze her left tit, she takes dictation. If you squeeze her right
tit, she types a letter. And that's not all, she can have sex, too!"
"Holy shit! You're kidding, right?"
"No, she's something, huh? Tell you what, you can even borrow her"
So, his friend takes her into the restroom and is in there with her for a while. Suddenly, he hears him screaming "Eeeeyaaaaa! Heeelp" Ooooooh! Aaaaaaah! Eeeeeeeeeeeaaargghhhh!"
The guy says, "Shit! I forgot to tell him her ass is a pencil sharpener!"
"Hey, bud, how are ya?"
"I'm good. Congratulations, that new secretary of yours is beautiful!"
"Well, I'm glad you like her. Believe it or not, she's a robot!
"No way, how could that be?"
"Way! She's the latest model from Japan. Lemme tell you how she works. If you squeeze her left tit, she takes dictation. If you squeeze her right
tit, she types a letter. And that's not all, she can have sex, too!"
"Holy shit! You're kidding, right?"
"No, she's something, huh? Tell you what, you can even borrow her"
So, his friend takes her into the restroom and is in there with her for a while. Suddenly, he hears him screaming "Eeeeyaaaaa! Heeelp" Ooooooh! Aaaaaaah! Eeeeeeeeeeeaaargghhhh!"
The guy says, "Shit! I forgot to tell him her ass is a pencil sharpener!"
Cyberpunk:- alienated loner who lives on the edge of society in generally dystopic future where daily life is impacted by rapid technological change, an ubiquitous datasphere of computerized information, and invasive modification of the human body.....Hmmmmm
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#984
mazooma
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I'm not dead yet
Posted 13 November 2008 - 08:30 PM
November 13
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A man went fishing, but realized he'd forgotten his bait. Then he saw a snake with a worm in its mouth, so he grabbed the snake and took the worm. He poured some beer down the snake's thoat to make up for taking it's lunch, then sat down to fish. Soon he feels a tug on the leg of his pants. looking down, he sees the same snake, this time with three worms in it's mouth....
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A man went fishing, but realized he'd forgotten his bait. Then he saw a snake with a worm in its mouth, so he grabbed the snake and took the worm. He poured some beer down the snake's thoat to make up for taking it's lunch, then sat down to fish. Soon he feels a tug on the leg of his pants. looking down, he sees the same snake, this time with three worms in it's mouth....
Where you came from, is gone.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
#985
mazooma
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I'm not dead yet
Posted 14 November 2008 - 07:25 PM
November 14
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Useful definitions for new parents:
Dumbwaiter: one who asks if the kids would like dessert
Owwww: first word spoken by kids with older siblings
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Useful definitions for new parents:
Dumbwaiter: one who asks if the kids would like dessert
Owwww: first word spoken by kids with older siblings
Where you came from, is gone.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
#986
Deano
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Posted 14 November 2008 - 08:01 PM
A little boy comes into the kitchen one day and says to his mum"Granny's got a prawn!".The mother says "What on earth do you mean?".The boy takes his mother and shows her granny,stark naked,asleep on the sofa.He points to granny's protruding clitoris and says "Granny's got a prawn!".His mother whispers"Thats your grandmothers clitoris,son!" to which the little boy replies........."Well it tastes like a prawn".
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#987
RB
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Posted 14 November 2008 - 10:57 PM
Japanese scientists have created a camera with a shutter speed so fast, they can now photograph a woman with her mouth shut.
Cyberpunk:- alienated loner who lives on the edge of society in generally dystopic future where daily life is impacted by rapid technological change, an ubiquitous datasphere of computerized information, and invasive modification of the human body.....Hmmmmm
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#988
mazooma
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I'm not dead yet
Posted 15 November 2008 - 05:06 PM
November 15
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A customer in a restaurant asks the waiter, "How do you prepare your chicken?"
The waiter replies, "Oh, we don't do anything special. We just tell it straight up that it's going to die."
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A customer in a restaurant asks the waiter, "How do you prepare your chicken?"
The waiter replies, "Oh, we don't do anything special. We just tell it straight up that it's going to die."
Where you came from, is gone.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
#989
Deano
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Posted 15 November 2008 - 07:38 PM
I rang the council up today and asked if I could have a skip outside my house.
The bloke said"You can do cartwheels round the block for all I care!".
The bloke said"You can do cartwheels round the block for all I care!".
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#990
Zoltar
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Former Fat Bastard.....
Posted 15 November 2008 - 08:07 PM
Not exactly a joke but made us all laugh last night.
Was sat in the MEN arena (Manchester Evening News Arena for those not familiar with the acronym MEN), with my 2 lads and a few of their mates awaiting the Lee Evans show to start. We were only 5 rows from the stage.
One of my lads turned around and looked at the size of the place. Noticing how far away some people up in the gods where, he then turned to me and said, 'Dad. We're really close'. I just turned and pretending to be really emotional, I said, 'Yeah. We are related likes. I'm your dad and you're my son. So thats why.' Even the couple in front of us couldn't help laughing. And to add to it, my lad still couldn't work out why we were laughing.
Was sat in the MEN arena (Manchester Evening News Arena for those not familiar with the acronym MEN), with my 2 lads and a few of their mates awaiting the Lee Evans show to start. We were only 5 rows from the stage.
One of my lads turned around and looked at the size of the place. Noticing how far away some people up in the gods where, he then turned to me and said, 'Dad. We're really close'. I just turned and pretending to be really emotional, I said, 'Yeah. We are related likes. I'm your dad and you're my son. So thats why.' Even the couple in front of us couldn't help laughing. And to add to it, my lad still couldn't work out why we were laughing.
#991
Deano
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Posted 15 November 2008 - 09:49 PM
Bob saw his doctor and asked if he had ever laughed at a patient.
"In over 20 years I haven't because I try to remain professional".
With that Bob dropped his trousers revealing the smallest dick the doctor had ever seen.It wasn't any bigger than a AAA battery.The doc burst into uncontrollable hysteria.
"Im sorry,I really am,I don't know what came over me,I promise it won't happen again.Now what seems to be the problem?".
"Its swollen" said Bob.
"In over 20 years I haven't because I try to remain professional".
With that Bob dropped his trousers revealing the smallest dick the doctor had ever seen.It wasn't any bigger than a AAA battery.The doc burst into uncontrollable hysteria.
"Im sorry,I really am,I don't know what came over me,I promise it won't happen again.Now what seems to be the problem?".
"Its swollen" said Bob.
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#992
mazooma
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I'm not dead yet
Posted 16 November 2008 - 05:23 PM
November 16
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A woman asks her husband, "Joe, do these jeans make my backside look like an elephant's?"
Her husband replies, "Oh, no honey - an elephant's backside isn't blue."
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A woman asks her husband, "Joe, do these jeans make my backside look like an elephant's?"
Her husband replies, "Oh, no honey - an elephant's backside isn't blue."
Where you came from, is gone.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
#993
RB
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PISH Artist
Posted 17 November 2008 - 12:04 AM
Little Billy asks his dad for a telly in his room. Dad reluctantly agrees.
Next day Billy comes downstairs and asks,'Dad, what's love juice?'
Dad looks horrified and tells Billy all about sex.
Billy just sat there with his mouth open in amazement.
Dad says, 'So what were you watchin'?'
Billy says, 'Wimbledon.'
Next day Billy comes downstairs and asks,'Dad, what's love juice?'
Dad looks horrified and tells Billy all about sex.
Billy just sat there with his mouth open in amazement.
Dad says, 'So what were you watchin'?'
Billy says, 'Wimbledon.'
Cyberpunk:- alienated loner who lives on the edge of society in generally dystopic future where daily life is impacted by rapid technological change, an ubiquitous datasphere of computerized information, and invasive modification of the human body.....Hmmmmm
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#994
RB
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Posted 17 November 2008 - 12:05 AM
A boy asks his granny, 'Have you seen my pills, they were labelled LSD?'
Granny replies, 'f*** the pills, have you seen the purple dragons in the kitchen?!'
Granny replies, 'f*** the pills, have you seen the purple dragons in the kitchen?!'
Cyberpunk:- alienated loner who lives on the edge of society in generally dystopic future where daily life is impacted by rapid technological change, an ubiquitous datasphere of computerized information, and invasive modification of the human body.....Hmmmmm
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#995
cashbox1
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The furniture
Posted 17 November 2008 - 11:30 AM
One night, an 87-year-old woman came home from Bingo to find her husband in bed with another woman.
She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th-floor flat, killing him instantly. Brought before the court on the charge of murder, she was asked if she had anything to say in her own defence.
"Your Honour," she began coolly, "I figured that at 92, if he could have sex, he could fly".
She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th-floor flat, killing him instantly. Brought before the court on the charge of murder, she was asked if she had anything to say in her own defence.
"Your Honour," she began coolly, "I figured that at 92, if he could have sex, he could fly".
Einstein`s theory of FME 90 downloads = 3 thanks
#996
mazooma
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I'm not dead yet
Posted 17 November 2008 - 08:15 PM
November 17
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How can you tell if a blonde had a blond boyfriend?
She has a bruised bellybutton.
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How can you tell if a blonde had a blond boyfriend?
She has a bruised bellybutton.
Where you came from, is gone.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
#997
No1Stoney
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Posted 17 November 2008 - 08:54 PM
Women all over the world are shaving their pubic hair today in support of Obama's win at the election. Their message to the world: "READ OUR LIPS, NO MORE BUSH"
-No1Stoney
-No1Stoney
#998
No1Stoney
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Posted 17 November 2008 - 08:56 PM
A woman wakes up after undergoing a vaginal tuck. On her bed there are 3 bunches of flowers.
The 1st bunch is from the surgeon wishing her luck.
The 2nd one is from her hubby saying it looks lovely and he cant' wait to get her home.
The 3rd is from wee jimmy in the burns unit thanking her for the new ears
-No1Stoney
The 1st bunch is from the surgeon wishing her luck.
The 2nd one is from her hubby saying it looks lovely and he cant' wait to get her home.
The 3rd is from wee jimmy in the burns unit thanking her for the new ears
-No1Stoney
#999
mazooma
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I'm not dead yet
Posted 18 November 2008 - 06:52 PM
November 18
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"My daddy's a lawyer," says one little boy to another.
"Honest?" says the other boy.
"No, just the usual kind."
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"My daddy's a lawyer," says one little boy to another.
"Honest?" says the other boy.
"No, just the usual kind."
Where you came from, is gone.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
#1000
RB
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Posted 18 November 2008 - 10:44 PM
An elderly couple was attending Mass.
About halfway through, the wife leans over and says to her husband, 'I just let out a silent fart; what do you think I should do?
He replies, 'Put a new battery in your hearing aid.'
About halfway through, the wife leans over and says to her husband, 'I just let out a silent fart; what do you think I should do?
He replies, 'Put a new battery in your hearing aid.'
Cyberpunk:- alienated loner who lives on the edge of society in generally dystopic future where daily life is impacted by rapid technological change, an ubiquitous datasphere of computerized information, and invasive modification of the human body.....Hmmmmm
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