A young lad moved to London looking for a job. The manager asks, do you have any sales experience? The lad answered, yeah.
The manager liked him so he gave him the job. His first day on the job was challaenging and busy, but he got through it. At closing time the manager asked Ok, so how many sales did you make today? One, said the man. Just one! Our sales people average 20 to 30 sales a day! How much was the sale for? The lad said £1,250,237
The manager choked and exclaimed "What the hell did you sell him?"
The lad says, well first I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium fish hook and then sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he would need a boat. So we went to the boat store and I sold him that twin engined power cat. Then he said he didn't think his car would pull it, so I took him down to the car sales and sold him the 4x4.
The manager said " You mean to tell me..... a guy came in to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a 4x4?" No no no said the lad, he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his lady friend and I said " well, since your weekend's f***ed, you might as well go fishing"
2120 replies to this topic
#1002
mazooma
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I'm not dead yet
Posted 19 November 2008 - 08:36 PM
November 19 - 1000+ replies and going strong
--------------------------------------------
Useful definitions for new parents:
Prepared childbirth: A contradiction in terms.
Show-off: A child who is more talented than yours.
--------------------------------------------
Useful definitions for new parents:
Prepared childbirth: A contradiction in terms.
Show-off: A child who is more talented than yours.
Where you came from, is gone.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
#1003
cashbox1
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The furniture
Posted 19 November 2008 - 09:10 PM
the priest is coming down the pathway outside his church,when he notices a young boy sitting on a bench holding a small glass bottle.
"what`s in the bottle my child?" asks the priest.
"Sulphuric Acid Father!" says the lad.The Priest recoils in shock, reaches into his pocket and pulls out his own small glass bottle.
"You shouldnt be playing with dangerous chemicals like that my son", "look at this",says the priest pointing to the bottle "why this is Holy Water,only last week i put some of this on a lady`s tummy and she passed a baby!" "thats nothing Father",says the little boy,"I put some of this acid on my dogs boll..ks and he passed a Ferrari!!"
"what`s in the bottle my child?" asks the priest.
"Sulphuric Acid Father!" says the lad.The Priest recoils in shock, reaches into his pocket and pulls out his own small glass bottle.
"You shouldnt be playing with dangerous chemicals like that my son", "look at this",says the priest pointing to the bottle "why this is Holy Water,only last week i put some of this on a lady`s tummy and she passed a baby!" "thats nothing Father",says the little boy,"I put some of this acid on my dogs boll..ks and he passed a Ferrari!!"
Einstein`s theory of FME 90 downloads = 3 thanks
#1004
mazooma
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I'm not dead yet
Posted 20 November 2008 - 08:21 PM
Novenber 20
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A nun rang the construction company to complain about the foul language used by the workers repairing the convent's porch. The customer service manager said, "But sister, old habits die hard. The men try to be polite, but they do tend to call a spade a spade."
The nun replied, "Actually, I think you'll find they call a spade 'a f***ing shovel.'"
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A nun rang the construction company to complain about the foul language used by the workers repairing the convent's porch. The customer service manager said, "But sister, old habits die hard. The men try to be polite, but they do tend to call a spade a spade."
The nun replied, "Actually, I think you'll find they call a spade 'a f***ing shovel.'"
Where you came from, is gone.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
#1005
RB
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PISH Artist
Posted 21 November 2008 - 08:02 AM
Wife gets naked & asks hubby,'What turns you on more, my pretty face or my sexy body?'
Hubby looks her up & down and replies,'Your sense of humour!'
Hubby looks her up & down and replies,'Your sense of humour!'
Cyberpunk:- alienated loner who lives on the edge of society in generally dystopic future where daily life is impacted by rapid technological change, an ubiquitous datasphere of computerized information, and invasive modification of the human body.....Hmmmmm
[SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]
[SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]
#1006
fruitmachineemu
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ITS GOLDEN GAME TIME
Posted 21 November 2008 - 09:45 AM
twinkle twinkle massive knob Mary likes it in her gob. But when she feels that certain twitch she pulls it out the spiteful bitch!!
#1007
mazooma
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I'm not dead yet
Posted 21 November 2008 - 07:24 PM
November 21
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Defence lawyer: "Do you want the good news or the bad news?"
Client: "What's the bad news?"
Lawyer: "Your blood matches the DNA at the crime scene."
Client: "Oh no! What's the good news?"
Lawyer: "Your cholestrol is down to 3.9, and your sugar levels shows you're not diabetic."
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Defence lawyer: "Do you want the good news or the bad news?"
Client: "What's the bad news?"
Lawyer: "Your blood matches the DNA at the crime scene."
Client: "Oh no! What's the good news?"
Lawyer: "Your cholestrol is down to 3.9, and your sugar levels shows you're not diabetic."
Where you came from, is gone.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
#1008
mazooma
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I'm not dead yet
Posted 22 November 2008 - 09:15 PM
November 22
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What's the difference between a lawyer and a tick?
A tick falls off you when you die.
------------
What's the difference between a lawyer and a tick?
A tick falls off you when you die.
Where you came from, is gone.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
#1009
mazooma
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I'm not dead yet
Posted 23 November 2008 - 05:13 PM
November 23
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"Mr. Jones, I've considered this carefully," said the divorce court judge, "and I've decided to give your wife $900 a week."
"That's very generous, your honor!" replied Mr. Jones. "Tell you what - I'll try to send a few dollars as well."
------------
"Mr. Jones, I've considered this carefully," said the divorce court judge, "and I've decided to give your wife $900 a week."
"That's very generous, your honor!" replied Mr. Jones. "Tell you what - I'll try to send a few dollars as well."
Where you came from, is gone.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
#1010
mazooma
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I'm not dead yet
Posted 24 November 2008 - 07:02 PM
November 24
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Teacher: Clyde, your assignment on "My Dog" is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
Clyde: No, teacher, It's the smae dog.
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Teacher: Clyde, your assignment on "My Dog" is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
Clyde: No, teacher, It's the smae dog.
Where you came from, is gone.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
#1011
mazooma
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I'm not dead yet
Posted 25 November 2008 - 08:28 PM
November 25
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Sign in a Rome laundry:
Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time.
------------
Sign in a Rome laundry:
Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time.
Where you came from, is gone.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
#1012
RB
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PISH Artist
Posted 26 November 2008 - 03:08 PM
One day a young cowboy and cowgirl decided to get married. He was a man of the world. She was an innocent bride with no experience.
After the wedding they left for their honeymoon. While driving down the road the new bride sees two cows having sex.
The new bride asks"What are them cows up to honey?"
The husband a bit flustered answers"Why can't you see? Them cows they're roping!"
She replies"Oh I see!"
After a few more hours of driving they pass two horses having sex.
Again the bride asks"What are them horses doing honey?"
The husband answers again"Them horses they're roping!"
She replies"Oh I see!"
Finally they arrive at their hotel. The couple washed up and started to get ready for bed. When they got in the bed they start to explore each other's bodies. Things are going along fine until the bride discovers her husband's penis.
"Oh my!" she cries"What is that?"
"Well darlin'" he chuckles proudly"That's ma'rope!"
She slides her hands down further and gasps"Oh my goodness! What are those?" she asks.
"Honey those're my knots!" he answers.
Finally the couple begins to make love. After several minutes the bride says"Stop honey wait a minute!"
Her husband panting a little asks"What's the matter honey am I hurting you?"
"No" the bride replies"undo them damn knots I need more rope!"
After the wedding they left for their honeymoon. While driving down the road the new bride sees two cows having sex.
The new bride asks"What are them cows up to honey?"
The husband a bit flustered answers"Why can't you see? Them cows they're roping!"
She replies"Oh I see!"
After a few more hours of driving they pass two horses having sex.
Again the bride asks"What are them horses doing honey?"
The husband answers again"Them horses they're roping!"
She replies"Oh I see!"
Finally they arrive at their hotel. The couple washed up and started to get ready for bed. When they got in the bed they start to explore each other's bodies. Things are going along fine until the bride discovers her husband's penis.
"Oh my!" she cries"What is that?"
"Well darlin'" he chuckles proudly"That's ma'rope!"
She slides her hands down further and gasps"Oh my goodness! What are those?" she asks.
"Honey those're my knots!" he answers.
Finally the couple begins to make love. After several minutes the bride says"Stop honey wait a minute!"
Her husband panting a little asks"What's the matter honey am I hurting you?"
"No" the bride replies"undo them damn knots I need more rope!"
Cyberpunk:- alienated loner who lives on the edge of society in generally dystopic future where daily life is impacted by rapid technological change, an ubiquitous datasphere of computerized information, and invasive modification of the human body.....Hmmmmm
[SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]
[SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]
#1014
mazooma
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I'm not dead yet
Posted 26 November 2008 - 07:45 PM
November 26
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Two cartons of yogurt walked into a bar. The barman looks at them and says, "Sorry, but I can't serve you."
"Why not?" asks one of the cartons. "We're cultured individuals."
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Two cartons of yogurt walked into a bar. The barman looks at them and says, "Sorry, but I can't serve you."
"Why not?" asks one of the cartons. "We're cultured individuals."
Where you came from, is gone.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
#1015
todd1970
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The furniture
Posted 27 November 2008 - 04:11 PM
OWNED !!! 
Mmmmmm...Sandy ive 'ad her ye know. 
#1016
mazooma
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I'm not dead yet
Posted 27 November 2008 - 08:24 PM
November 27
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What do you call a lawyer who's gone bad?
Your Honor.
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What do you call a lawyer who's gone bad?
Your Honor.
Where you came from, is gone.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
#1017
mazooma
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I'm not dead yet
Posted 28 November 2008 - 08:30 PM
November 28
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Doctor: I haven't seen you in a long time.
Patient: I know, I've been ill.....
------------
Doctor: I haven't seen you in a long time.
Patient: I know, I've been ill.....
Where you came from, is gone.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
#1018
RB
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PISH Artist
Posted 28 November 2008 - 08:38 PM
I recall my first time with a condom. I was 16 years old and went in to buy a packet of condoms at the chemist. There was a beautiful female assistant behind the counter and she could see that I was new to this. She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one.
I answered honestly, "Well, not exactly; this is my first time." So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned me to always make sure it was on tight and secure. I nodded yes but apparently I still looked confused. So she looked all around the store to see if it was empty. It was.
"Just a minute," she said, as she walked to the door and locked it. Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside. "Do these excite you?", she asked. I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was nod my head rapidly and smile. She then said it was time to slip the condom on.
As I slipped it on nice and secure, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and lay back on the desk. "Well, come on", she said, "We don't have much time."
So I climbed up on the desk and entered her. It felt so wonderful that unfortunately I couldn't hold back and KAPOW!!, I was done within just a minute, if even that long.
She looked at me with a bit of a frown. "Did you put that condom on?", she
asked.
I said, "I sure did",,,,,,,,and held up my thumb to show her.
I answered honestly, "Well, not exactly; this is my first time." So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned me to always make sure it was on tight and secure. I nodded yes but apparently I still looked confused. So she looked all around the store to see if it was empty. It was.
"Just a minute," she said, as she walked to the door and locked it. Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside. "Do these excite you?", she asked. I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was nod my head rapidly and smile. She then said it was time to slip the condom on.
As I slipped it on nice and secure, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and lay back on the desk. "Well, come on", she said, "We don't have much time."
So I climbed up on the desk and entered her. It felt so wonderful that unfortunately I couldn't hold back and KAPOW!!, I was done within just a minute, if even that long.
She looked at me with a bit of a frown. "Did you put that condom on?", she
asked.
I said, "I sure did",,,,,,,,and held up my thumb to show her.
Cyberpunk:- alienated loner who lives on the edge of society in generally dystopic future where daily life is impacted by rapid technological change, an ubiquitous datasphere of computerized information, and invasive modification of the human body.....Hmmmmm
[SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]
[SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]
#1019
mazooma
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I'm not dead yet
Posted 29 November 2008 - 08:59 PM
November 29
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What do you call a judge with an IQ of 50?
Senator.
------------
What do you call a judge with an IQ of 50?
Senator.
Where you came from, is gone.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
#1020
Gazeyre1966
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The furniture
Posted 29 November 2008 - 11:35 PM
Terry, Jock and Paddy were at work and it was lunch break. Terry opens his sandwich box and says "Bloody hell....the wife has made me turkey sandwiches again. I've had nothing else for the last five years. If she makes them again tomorrow I'm going to chuck myself off a cliff".
Jock opens his sandwich box. "Fur f***s sake!!!....Ham again!!! If the wife makes me this tomorrow I'll join you".
Paddy opens his..."FFS!!! Cheese again....I'll do the same as you guys if I get the same tomorrow".
Next day, Terry opens his lunchbox. "Thank God...I've got something different today. Jock opens his..."Same too mate...thank God for that". Paddy opens his "FFS CHEESE AGAIN!!!!!....I can't take it!!!"...and with that he runs out and hurls himself over a cliff to his death.
A week later, Terry and Jock are at his funeral and spot his grief stricken widow. They walk over and say "Sorry to hear about Paddy....We can't believe he actually killed himself because of cheese sandwiches".
His widow says "I can't believe it either....the bastard made his own sandwiches".
Jock opens his sandwich box. "Fur f***s sake!!!....Ham again!!! If the wife makes me this tomorrow I'll join you".
Paddy opens his..."FFS!!! Cheese again....I'll do the same as you guys if I get the same tomorrow".
Next day, Terry opens his lunchbox. "Thank God...I've got something different today. Jock opens his..."Same too mate...thank God for that". Paddy opens his "FFS CHEESE AGAIN!!!!!....I can't take it!!!"...and with that he runs out and hurls himself over a cliff to his death.
A week later, Terry and Jock are at his funeral and spot his grief stricken widow. They walk over and say "Sorry to hear about Paddy....We can't believe he actually killed himself because of cheese sandwiches".
His widow says "I can't believe it either....the bastard made his own sandwiches".
<span style='font-family: Comic Sans MS'><span style='font-size: 12px;'>It's all done in the best possible taste. 
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