lol Gaz a classic "old joke".Terry, Jock and Paddy were at work and it was lunch break. Terry opens his sandwich box and says "Bloody hell....the wife has made me turkey sandwiches again. I've had nothing else for the last five years. If she makes them again tomorrow I'm going to chuck myself off a cliff".
Jock opens his sandwich box. "Fur f***s sake!!!....Ham again!!! If the wife makes me this tomorrow I'll join you".
Paddy opens his..."FFS!!! Cheese again....I'll do the same as you guys if I get the same tomorrow".
Next day, Terry opens his lunchbox. "Thank God...I've got something different today. Jock opens his..."Same too mate...thank God for that". Paddy opens his "FFS CHEESE AGAIN!!!!!....I can't take it!!!"...and with that he runs out and hurls himself over a cliff to his death.
A week later, Terry and Jock are at his funeral and spot his grief stricken widow. They walk over and say "Sorry to hear about Paddy....We can't believe he actually killed himself because of cheese sandwiches".
His widow says "I can't believe it either....the bastard made his own sandwiches".
2120 replies to this topic
#1021
Deano
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Posted 29 November 2008 - 11:38 PM
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#1022
RB
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PISH Artist
Posted 29 November 2008 - 11:50 PM
Two old Irish guys are talking. One asks the other what he likes to do.
The other replies," My buddy and I like to get together late at night,
get drunk, pee on the Blarney Stone, and watch fools come and kiss it in
the morning for luck."
The other replies," My buddy and I like to get together late at night,
get drunk, pee on the Blarney Stone, and watch fools come and kiss it in
the morning for luck."
Cyberpunk:- alienated loner who lives on the edge of society in generally dystopic future where daily life is impacted by rapid technological change, an ubiquitous datasphere of computerized information, and invasive modification of the human body.....Hmmmmm
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[SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]
#1023
mazooma
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I'm not dead yet
Posted 30 November 2008 - 07:39 PM
November 30
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A woman asks her husband to go and buy some organic fruit. he goes to the market, but can't see any.
"Excuse me," he asks the employee, "I need some fruit for my wife. Have these fruits been sprayed with any poisonous chemicals?"
The employee shakes his head. "No, I'm sorry, sir. You'll have to do that yourself."
------------
A woman asks her husband to go and buy some organic fruit. he goes to the market, but can't see any.
"Excuse me," he asks the employee, "I need some fruit for my wife. Have these fruits been sprayed with any poisonous chemicals?"
The employee shakes his head. "No, I'm sorry, sir. You'll have to do that yourself."
Where you came from, is gone.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
#1024
mazooma
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I'm not dead yet
Posted 01 December 2008 - 08:14 PM
December 1 - The home stretch
------------------------------
New words:
Seagull manager: A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps all over everything, then flies away, leaving you to clean up.
Abdicate: To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
------------------------------
New words:
Seagull manager: A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps all over everything, then flies away, leaving you to clean up.
Abdicate: To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
Where you came from, is gone.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
#1025
mazooma
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I'm not dead yet
Posted 02 December 2008 - 07:36 PM
December 2
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How do you get your accountant out of a tree?
Cut the rope.
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How do you get your accountant out of a tree?
Cut the rope.
Where you came from, is gone.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
#1026
mazooma
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I'm not dead yet
Posted 03 December 2008 - 08:23 PM
December 3
-----------
Artist Pablo Picasso came home to find a burgler in his house. The man fled but Picasso was able to draw him a detail for the police. Based on the drawing, the police arrested a nun, a washing machine, the defence secretary and the Eiffel Tower.
-----------
Artist Pablo Picasso came home to find a burgler in his house. The man fled but Picasso was able to draw him a detail for the police. Based on the drawing, the police arrested a nun, a washing machine, the defence secretary and the Eiffel Tower.
Where you came from, is gone.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
#1027
mazooma
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I'm not dead yet
Posted 04 December 2008 - 07:56 PM
December 4
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A blonde goes to the doctor. "Doctor, I hurt all over!" She demonstrates by touching her knee. "Ouch!" Then she toucher her cheek. "Ouch!" Then her foot. "Ouch!"
The doctor asks, "Are you a natural blonde?"
"Yes," she replies, puzzled.
"I thought so. You've sprained your finger."
-----------
A blonde goes to the doctor. "Doctor, I hurt all over!" She demonstrates by touching her knee. "Ouch!" Then she toucher her cheek. "Ouch!" Then her foot. "Ouch!"
The doctor asks, "Are you a natural blonde?"
"Yes," she replies, puzzled.
"I thought so. You've sprained your finger."
Where you came from, is gone.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
#1028
curlywill
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Member
Posted 04 December 2008 - 08:09 PM
dad with his little girl in garden. little girl asks "is that a mummy-longlegs underneath that daddy longlegs?" dad says "no sweetie there are no mummy-longlegs only daddy-longlegs."dad felt very proud of her inquisitive mind until she stamps on them both saying "we will have none of that gay shit in our garden!"
#1029
cashbox1
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The furniture
Posted 04 December 2008 - 10:19 PM
A small tourist hotel was all abuzz about an afternoon wedding where the groom was 95 years old and the bride was just 23.
The groom looked pretty feeble and some were worried about him since his young bride was a healthy, vivacious woman.
But next morning, the bride came down the main staircase slowly, step by step, hanging onto the banister for dear life. She finally managed to get to the counter of the little shop in the hotel.
The clerk looked concerned. "Whatever happened to you, dear? You look like you've been wrestling an alligator."
The bride groaned, hung on to the counter and managed to speak. "Oh, goodness," she said. "When he told me he'd been saving up for 75 years, I thought he meant his money!"
The groom looked pretty feeble and some were worried about him since his young bride was a healthy, vivacious woman.
But next morning, the bride came down the main staircase slowly, step by step, hanging onto the banister for dear life. She finally managed to get to the counter of the little shop in the hotel.
The clerk looked concerned. "Whatever happened to you, dear? You look like you've been wrestling an alligator."
The bride groaned, hung on to the counter and managed to speak. "Oh, goodness," she said. "When he told me he'd been saving up for 75 years, I thought he meant his money!"
Einstein`s theory of FME 90 downloads = 3 thanks
#1030
mazooma
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I'm not dead yet
Posted 05 December 2008 - 07:21 PM
December 5
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There are three kinds of mathematicians : those who can count, and those who can't.
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There are three kinds of mathematicians : those who can count, and those who can't.
Where you came from, is gone.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
#1031
cashbox1
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The furniture
Posted 05 December 2008 - 08:35 PM
Twelve priests were about to be ordained. The final test was for them to line up in a straight row, totally nude, in a garden while a sexy and beautiful, big breasted, nude model danced before them.
Each priest had a small bell attached to his penis and they were told that anyone whose bell rang when she danced in front of them would not be ordained because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity.
The beautiful model danced before the first candidate, with no reaction.
She proceeded down the line with the same response from all the priests until she got to the final priest (Carlos).
As she danced, his bell began to ring so loudly that it flew off and fell clattering to the ground.
Embarrassed, Carlos took a few steps forward, and bent over to pick it up.
Then ... all the other bells started to ring!
Each priest had a small bell attached to his penis and they were told that anyone whose bell rang when she danced in front of them would not be ordained because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity.
The beautiful model danced before the first candidate, with no reaction.
She proceeded down the line with the same response from all the priests until she got to the final priest (Carlos).
As she danced, his bell began to ring so loudly that it flew off and fell clattering to the ground.
Embarrassed, Carlos took a few steps forward, and bent over to pick it up.
Then ... all the other bells started to ring!
Einstein`s theory of FME 90 downloads = 3 thanks
#1032
mazooma
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I'm not dead yet
Posted 06 December 2008 - 04:32 PM
December 6 - Happy Birthday Santa
----------------------------------
A woman is in bed with her lover when her husband returns. She quickly makes the lover stand by the wall and dusts him with powder. When her husband comes in, the wife says she's bought a statue. "The Smiths have one in their bedroom, too."
They walk out, but later the husband returns with a sandwich. "You know," he murmers, "I was in the Smiths' bedroom for two days, and they never fed me once."
----------------------------------
A woman is in bed with her lover when her husband returns. She quickly makes the lover stand by the wall and dusts him with powder. When her husband comes in, the wife says she's bought a statue. "The Smiths have one in their bedroom, too."
They walk out, but later the husband returns with a sandwich. "You know," he murmers, "I was in the Smiths' bedroom for two days, and they never fed me once."
Where you came from, is gone.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
#1033
stanmarsh14
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Sado-masochist
Posted 07 December 2008 - 12:13 AM
Reminds me of a story about a girl who was about 20 when she needed an emergency appendectomy......
Her pubic hair was dyed green and a tattoo right above it read "Don't cut the grass".
She discovered, after she was taken back to her room, that her pubic hair was shaved and the surgeon had written with a marker..... "Sorry...had to mow the lawn !"
Her pubic hair was dyed green and a tattoo right above it read "Don't cut the grass".
She discovered, after she was taken back to her room, that her pubic hair was shaved and the surgeon had written with a marker..... "Sorry...had to mow the lawn !"
#1034
RB
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PISH Artist
Posted 07 December 2008 - 05:51 PM
A world renowned cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral attended by fellow physicians, family members, friends. A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service. Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.
At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said,
"I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral....I'm a gynecologist."
That's when the proctologist fainted
At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said,
"I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral....I'm a gynecologist."
That's when the proctologist fainted
Cyberpunk:- alienated loner who lives on the edge of society in generally dystopic future where daily life is impacted by rapid technological change, an ubiquitous datasphere of computerized information, and invasive modification of the human body.....Hmmmmm
[SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]
[SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]
#1035
cashbox1
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The furniture
Posted 07 December 2008 - 06:54 PM
A bloke goes into a pub and the barmaid asks what he wants.
'I want to bury my face in your cleavage and lick the sweat from between your tits' he says.
'You dirty b*stard' shouts the barmaid 'get out before I get my husband.'
The bloke apologises and promises not to repeat his gaffe.
The barmaid accepts this and asks him again what he wants.
'I want to pull your pants down, spread yoghurt between the cheeks of your arse and lick it all off' he says.
'You dirty filthy pervert. You're banned. Get out!!' she screams.
Again, the bloke apologises and swears never ever to do it again.
'One more chance' says the barmaid. 'Now - what do you want?'
'I want to turn you upside down, open your flaps and fill your pussy with Guinness, and then drink every last drop from the hairy cup' The barmaid is furious at this personal intrusion, and runs upstairs to fetch her husband, who's sitting quietly watching the telly.
'What's up love?' he asks.
'There's a bloke in the bar who wants to put his head between my tits and lick the sweat off' she says.
'I'll kill him. Where is he?' storms the husband.
'Then he said he wanted to pour yoghurt down between my arse cheeks and lick it off' she screams.
'Right. He's dead' says the husband, reaching for a baseball bat.
'Then he said he wanted to turn me upside down, fill my fanny with Guinness and then drink it all' she cries.
The husband puts down his bat and returns to his armchair and switches the telly back on.
Aren't you going to do something about it?' she cries hysterically. Her husband replies, 'Look love. I'm not f*****g around with someone who can drink 15 pints of Guinness...'
'I want to bury my face in your cleavage and lick the sweat from between your tits' he says.
'You dirty b*stard' shouts the barmaid 'get out before I get my husband.'
The bloke apologises and promises not to repeat his gaffe.
The barmaid accepts this and asks him again what he wants.
'I want to pull your pants down, spread yoghurt between the cheeks of your arse and lick it all off' he says.
'You dirty filthy pervert. You're banned. Get out!!' she screams.
Again, the bloke apologises and swears never ever to do it again.
'One more chance' says the barmaid. 'Now - what do you want?'
'I want to turn you upside down, open your flaps and fill your pussy with Guinness, and then drink every last drop from the hairy cup' The barmaid is furious at this personal intrusion, and runs upstairs to fetch her husband, who's sitting quietly watching the telly.
'What's up love?' he asks.
'There's a bloke in the bar who wants to put his head between my tits and lick the sweat off' she says.
'I'll kill him. Where is he?' storms the husband.
'Then he said he wanted to pour yoghurt down between my arse cheeks and lick it off' she screams.
'Right. He's dead' says the husband, reaching for a baseball bat.
'Then he said he wanted to turn me upside down, fill my fanny with Guinness and then drink it all' she cries.
The husband puts down his bat and returns to his armchair and switches the telly back on.
Aren't you going to do something about it?' she cries hysterically. Her husband replies, 'Look love. I'm not f*****g around with someone who can drink 15 pints of Guinness...'
Einstein`s theory of FME 90 downloads = 3 thanks
#1036
cashbox1
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The furniture
Posted 07 December 2008 - 07:04 PM
A nun and a priest were crossing the Sahara desert on a camel. On the third day out the camel suddenly dropped dead without warning. After dusting themselves off, the nun and the priest surveyed their situation.
After a long period of silence, the priest spoke.
"Well sister, this looks pretty grim."
"I know, father." "In fact, I don't think it likely that we can survive more than a day or two."
"I agree."
"Sister, since we are unlikely to make it out of here alive, would you do something for me?"
"Anything father."
"I have never seen a woman's breasts and I was wondering if I might see yours."
"Well, under the circumstances I don't see that it would do any harm."
The nun opened her habit and the priest enjoyed the sight of her shapely breasts, commenting frequently on their beauty.
"Sister would you mind if I touched them?"
She consented and he fondled them for several minutes.
"Father, could I ask something of you?"
"Yes sister?"
"I have never seen a man's penis. Could I see yours?"
"I supposed that would be OK," the priest replied lifting his robe.
"Oh father, may I touch it?"
This time the priest consented and after a few minutes of fondling he was porting a huge erection.
"Sister, you know that if I insert my penis in the right place, it can give life."
"Is that true father?"
"Yes it is, sister."
"Then why don't you stick it up that camel's ass and lets get the hell out of here."
After a long period of silence, the priest spoke.
"Well sister, this looks pretty grim."
"I know, father." "In fact, I don't think it likely that we can survive more than a day or two."
"I agree."
"Sister, since we are unlikely to make it out of here alive, would you do something for me?"
"Anything father."
"I have never seen a woman's breasts and I was wondering if I might see yours."
"Well, under the circumstances I don't see that it would do any harm."
The nun opened her habit and the priest enjoyed the sight of her shapely breasts, commenting frequently on their beauty.
"Sister would you mind if I touched them?"
She consented and he fondled them for several minutes.
"Father, could I ask something of you?"
"Yes sister?"
"I have never seen a man's penis. Could I see yours?"
"I supposed that would be OK," the priest replied lifting his robe.
"Oh father, may I touch it?"
This time the priest consented and after a few minutes of fondling he was porting a huge erection.
"Sister, you know that if I insert my penis in the right place, it can give life."
"Is that true father?"
"Yes it is, sister."
"Then why don't you stick it up that camel's ass and lets get the hell out of here."
Einstein`s theory of FME 90 downloads = 3 thanks
#1037
mazooma
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I'm not dead yet
Posted 07 December 2008 - 08:20 PM
December 7
-----------
Answers from college history exams:
Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies. They all wrote in hydraulics.
In 1865, Lincoln was shot at the theatre by an actor in a moving picture show. The assassinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposedly insane actor. This ruined his career.
-----------
Answers from college history exams:
Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies. They all wrote in hydraulics.
In 1865, Lincoln was shot at the theatre by an actor in a moving picture show. The assassinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposedly insane actor. This ruined his career.
Where you came from, is gone.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
#1038
mazooma
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I'm not dead yet
Posted 08 December 2008 - 08:49 PM
December 8
-----------
What's the definition of optimism?
A folk musician with a mortgage.
-----------
What's the definition of optimism?
A folk musician with a mortgage.
Where you came from, is gone.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
#1039
mazooma
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I'm not dead yet
Posted 09 December 2008 - 07:18 PM
December 9
-----------
Aircraft maintenance requests and maintenance crew responses:
Pilot: Auto-pilot in altitude-hold mode produces 200-feet-per-minute descent.
Maintenance: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
Pilot: Noise under instrument panel. Sounds like midget pounding with hammer.
Maintenance: Remove hammer from midget.
-----------
Aircraft maintenance requests and maintenance crew responses:
Pilot: Auto-pilot in altitude-hold mode produces 200-feet-per-minute descent.
Maintenance: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
Pilot: Noise under instrument panel. Sounds like midget pounding with hammer.
Maintenance: Remove hammer from midget.
Where you came from, is gone.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
#1040
mazooma
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I'm not dead yet
Posted 10 December 2008 - 07:11 PM
December 10
------------
At the celebration of his 40th wedding anniverary, a man was asked what he'd learned from marriage. "Marriage is the best teacher," he replied. "I've learned loyalty, patience, meekness, forbearness, and many other qualities I would never have needed if I'd stayed single."
------------
At the celebration of his 40th wedding anniverary, a man was asked what he'd learned from marriage. "Marriage is the best teacher," he replied. "I've learned loyalty, patience, meekness, forbearness, and many other qualities I would never have needed if I'd stayed single."
Where you came from, is gone.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
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