December 11
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"Doctor, Doctor, an alsatian bit me on the finger!"
"Which one?"
"I don't know, all alsatians look the same to me."
2120 replies to this topic
#1041
mazooma
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I'm not dead yet
Posted 11 December 2008 - 08:17 PM
Where you came from, is gone.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
#1042
stanmarsh14
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Sado-masochist
Posted 11 December 2008 - 11:22 PM
An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy one cold blustery day.
The daughter said to her mother, ‘My hands are freezing cold.’
The mother replied, ‘Put them between your legs. Your body heat will warm them up.’
The daughter did, and her hands warmed up.
The next day, the daughter was riding with her boyfriend who said, ‘My hands are freezing cold.’
The girl replied, ‘Put them between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm them up.’
He did and warmed his hands.
The following day, the boyfriend was again in the buggy with the daughter. He said, ‘My nose is cold.’
The girl replied, ‘Put it between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm it up’.
He did and warmed his nose.
The next day the boyfriend was again driving with the daughter, and he said, ‘My penis is frozen solid.’
The following day the daughter was driving in the buggy with her mother again, and she says
To her mother, ‘Have you ever heard of a penis?’
Slightly concerned the mother said,’ Why, yes…?! Why do you ask?’
The daughter replies:
‘They make one hell of a mess when they defrost, don’t they?!
The daughter said to her mother, ‘My hands are freezing cold.’
The mother replied, ‘Put them between your legs. Your body heat will warm them up.’
The daughter did, and her hands warmed up.
The next day, the daughter was riding with her boyfriend who said, ‘My hands are freezing cold.’
The girl replied, ‘Put them between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm them up.’
He did and warmed his hands.
The following day, the boyfriend was again in the buggy with the daughter. He said, ‘My nose is cold.’
The girl replied, ‘Put it between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm it up’.
He did and warmed his nose.
The next day the boyfriend was again driving with the daughter, and he said, ‘My penis is frozen solid.’
The following day the daughter was driving in the buggy with her mother again, and she says
To her mother, ‘Have you ever heard of a penis?’
Slightly concerned the mother said,’ Why, yes…?! Why do you ask?’
The daughter replies:
‘They make one hell of a mess when they defrost, don’t they?!
#1043
mazooma
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I'm not dead yet
Posted 12 December 2008 - 09:02 PM
December 12
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Why are harps like elderly parents?
Both are unforgiving and hard to get in and out of cars.
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Why are harps like elderly parents?
Both are unforgiving and hard to get in and out of cars.
Where you came from, is gone.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
#1044
mazooma
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I'm not dead yet
Posted 13 December 2008 - 06:08 PM
December 13
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What did the Zen Buddhist say to the hotdog vendor?
Give me one with everything.
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What did the Zen Buddhist say to the hotdog vendor?
Give me one with everything.
Where you came from, is gone.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
#1045
RB
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PISH Artist
Posted 14 December 2008 - 09:18 AM
December 13
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What did the Zen Buddhist say to the hotdog vendor?
Give me one with everything.
Punchline should be......."Make me one with everything"...lol
Cyberpunk:- alienated loner who lives on the edge of society in generally dystopic future where daily life is impacted by rapid technological change, an ubiquitous datasphere of computerized information, and invasive modification of the human body.....Hmmmmm
[SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]
[SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]
#1046
RB
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PISH Artist
Posted 14 December 2008 - 09:20 AM
Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, 'Pour me a stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman.'
'Oh yeah?' said Charlie, 'And how did this one end?'
'When it was over,' Mike replied, 'She came to me on her hands and knees.
'Really,' said Charles, 'Now that's a switch! What did she say?'
She said, 'Come out from under the bed, you little chicken.'
'Oh yeah?' said Charlie, 'And how did this one end?'
'When it was over,' Mike replied, 'She came to me on her hands and knees.
'Really,' said Charles, 'Now that's a switch! What did she say?'
She said, 'Come out from under the bed, you little chicken.'
Cyberpunk:- alienated loner who lives on the edge of society in generally dystopic future where daily life is impacted by rapid technological change, an ubiquitous datasphere of computerized information, and invasive modification of the human body.....Hmmmmm
[SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]
[SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]
#1047
mazooma
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I'm not dead yet
Posted 14 December 2008 - 07:46 PM
December 14
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Sign on a repair shop door:
We can repair anything! (Please knock hard on the door, as the bell doesn't work.)
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Sign on a repair shop door:
We can repair anything! (Please knock hard on the door, as the bell doesn't work.)
- Max Cartwright likes this
Where you came from, is gone.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
#1048
Deano
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BANNED FOR LIFE
Posted 15 December 2008 - 07:37 PM
English family driving through Dublin are lost.They stop Paddy and ask what is the quickest way to the town centre.
Paddy asks"Are you walking or drivin?".
The Englishman says"Driving".
Paddy says"Yeah,that's the quickest way"............
Paddy asks"Are you walking or drivin?".
The Englishman says"Driving".
Paddy says"Yeah,that's the quickest way"............
[SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]
#1049
mazooma
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I'm not dead yet
Posted 15 December 2008 - 08:36 PM
December 15
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Seen on a bumper sticker:
He who hesitates is not only lost, but miles from the next exit.
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Seen on a bumper sticker:
He who hesitates is not only lost, but miles from the next exit.
Where you came from, is gone.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
#1050
RB
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PISH Artist
Posted 15 December 2008 - 10:02 PM
A Fairy Tale
One day, a long, long, time ago, there lived a woman who did not whine,
nag, or bitch.
But it was a long time ago, and it was just that one day.
The End
One day, a long, long, time ago, there lived a woman who did not whine,
nag, or bitch.
But it was a long time ago, and it was just that one day.
The End
Cyberpunk:- alienated loner who lives on the edge of society in generally dystopic future where daily life is impacted by rapid technological change, an ubiquitous datasphere of computerized information, and invasive modification of the human body.....Hmmmmm
[SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]
[SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]
#1051
curlywill
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Member
Posted 15 December 2008 - 10:36 PM
warning to the wise: never get in line at the bank behind someone wearing a balaclava
#1052
dazbag29
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Junior Member
Posted 15 December 2008 - 10:53 PM
Christmas cake
Ingredients:
1 cup of water
1 tsp baking soda
1 cup of sugar
1 tsp salt
1 cup of brown sugar
Lemon juice
4 large eggs
Nuts
1 bottle tequila
2 cups of dried fruit
Sample the tequila to check quality. Take a large bowl, check the tequila
again. To be sure it is of the highest quality, pour one level cup and
drink. Repeat. Turn on the electric mixer. Beat one cup of butter in a
large fluffy bowl. Add one teaspoon of sugar. Beat again. At this point
it's best to make sure the tequila is still OK. Try another cup... just in
case. Turn off the mixerer thingy. Break 2 leggs and add to the bowl and
chuck in the cup of dried fruit.
Pick the fruit up off floor. Mix on the turner. If the fried
druit gets stuck in the beaterers just pry it loose with a drewscriver.
Sample the lequita to check for tonsisticity. Next, sift two cups of salt.
Or something. Check the tequila. Now shift the lemon juice and strain your
nuts. Add one table. Add a spoon of sugar, or somefink. Whatever you can
find. Greash the oven. Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall
over. Don't forget to beat off the turner. Finally, throw the bowl through
the window. Finish the tequila and wipe counter with the cat.
CHERRY MISTMAS!
Ingredients:
1 cup of water
1 tsp baking soda
1 cup of sugar
1 tsp salt
1 cup of brown sugar
Lemon juice
4 large eggs
Nuts
1 bottle tequila
2 cups of dried fruit
Sample the tequila to check quality. Take a large bowl, check the tequila
again. To be sure it is of the highest quality, pour one level cup and
drink. Repeat. Turn on the electric mixer. Beat one cup of butter in a
large fluffy bowl. Add one teaspoon of sugar. Beat again. At this point
it's best to make sure the tequila is still OK. Try another cup... just in
case. Turn off the mixerer thingy. Break 2 leggs and add to the bowl and
chuck in the cup of dried fruit.
Pick the fruit up off floor. Mix on the turner. If the fried
druit gets stuck in the beaterers just pry it loose with a drewscriver.
Sample the lequita to check for tonsisticity. Next, sift two cups of salt.
Or something. Check the tequila. Now shift the lemon juice and strain your
nuts. Add one table. Add a spoon of sugar, or somefink. Whatever you can
find. Greash the oven. Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall
over. Don't forget to beat off the turner. Finally, throw the bowl through
the window. Finish the tequila and wipe counter with the cat.
CHERRY MISTMAS!
#1053
d0uga1
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who put my name up there
Posted 15 December 2008 - 11:48 PM
omg i bust me dissep cause i read that perflecty
always on the scrounge for freebies.
#1054
mazooma
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I'm not dead yet
Posted 16 December 2008 - 07:38 PM
Christmas cake
Ingredients:
1 cup of water
1 tsp baking soda
1 cup of sugar
1 tsp salt
1 cup of brown sugar
Lemon juice
4 large eggs
Nuts
1 bottle tequila
2 cups of dried fruit
Sample the tequila to check quality. Take a large bowl, check the tequila
again. To be sure it is of the highest quality, pour one level cup and
drink. Repeat. Turn on the electric mixer. Beat one cup of butter in a
large fluffy bowl. Add one teaspoon of sugar. Beat again. At this point
it's best to make sure the tequila is still OK. Try another cup... just in
case. Turn off the mixerer thingy. Break 2 leggs and add to the bowl and
chuck in the cup of dried fruit.
Pick the fruit up off floor. Mix on the turner. If the fried
druit gets stuck in the beaterers just pry it loose with a drewscriver.
Sample the lequita to check for tonsisticity. Next, sift two cups of salt.
Or something. Check the tequila. Now shift the lemon juice and strain your
nuts. Add one table. Add a spoon of sugar, or somefink. Whatever you can
find. Greash the oven. Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall
over. Don't forget to beat off the turner. Finally, throw the bowl through
the window. Finish the tequila and wipe counter with the cat.
CHERRY MISTMAS!
Not laughed as much in ages - brilliant!!
December 16
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Statements to avoid when you've been pulled over:
Gee, officer, that's terrific! The last officer only gave me a warning, too!
Hey, aren't you one of the Village People?
Where you came from, is gone.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
#1055
Deano
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BANNED FOR LIFE
Posted 16 December 2008 - 08:35 PM
"I'm baffled by your orange penis"the doctor told his patient.
"Does anyone in your family have this condition?".
The concerned fellow said no.
"Do you handle any chemicals at work?".
"I don't work".
"Well, what do you do all day?".
"Watch porn and eat WOTSITS".
"Does anyone in your family have this condition?".
The concerned fellow said no.
"Do you handle any chemicals at work?".
"I don't work".
"Well, what do you do all day?".
"Watch porn and eat WOTSITS".
[SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]
#1056
mazooma
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I'm not dead yet
Posted 17 December 2008 - 08:58 PM
December 17
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A woman walks into a bar with a newt on her shoulder. The barman looks at the animal and asks what its name is. "Tiny," replies the woman.
"Why do you call it that?"
"Because it's my newt."
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A woman walks into a bar with a newt on her shoulder. The barman looks at the animal and asks what its name is. "Tiny," replies the woman.
"Why do you call it that?"
"Because it's my newt."
Where you came from, is gone.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
#1057
RB
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PISH Artist
Posted 18 December 2008 - 04:29 PM
Worlds stupidist Criminals:
A true story....
A convict broke out of jail in Washington D.C., then a few days later accompanied his girlfriend to her trial for robbery. At lunch, he went out for a sandwich. She needed to see him, and thus had him paged. Police officers recognized his name and arrested him as he returned to the courthouse in a car he had stolen over the lunch hour.
A true story....
A convict broke out of jail in Washington D.C., then a few days later accompanied his girlfriend to her trial for robbery. At lunch, he went out for a sandwich. She needed to see him, and thus had him paged. Police officers recognized his name and arrested him as he returned to the courthouse in a car he had stolen over the lunch hour.
Cyberpunk:- alienated loner who lives on the edge of society in generally dystopic future where daily life is impacted by rapid technological change, an ubiquitous datasphere of computerized information, and invasive modification of the human body.....Hmmmmm
[SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]
[SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]
#1058
mazooma
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I'm not dead yet
Posted 18 December 2008 - 07:19 PM
December 18
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A efficiency consultant was asked to evaluate work practices in an orchard. "You need to update your systems and your supply chain," he told the farmer. "Do that and I wouldn't be surprised if this tree gave you 50 pounds of apples a year."
"I would," replied the farmer.
"This is an orange tree."
------------
A efficiency consultant was asked to evaluate work practices in an orchard. "You need to update your systems and your supply chain," he told the farmer. "Do that and I wouldn't be surprised if this tree gave you 50 pounds of apples a year."
"I would," replied the farmer.
"This is an orange tree."
Where you came from, is gone.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
#1059
Deano
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BANNED FOR LIFE
Posted 18 December 2008 - 08:05 PM
Paddy marches into the Jobcentre and screams"I've been ringing 08001730 for two days now trying to get help!".
Girl at the reception desk asks"Did you get the number from our door,sir?".Paddy nods his head.
"Those are our opening hours,you fu***ng thick tw**".
Girl at the reception desk asks"Did you get the number from our door,sir?".Paddy nods his head.
"Those are our opening hours,you fu***ng thick tw**".
[SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]
#1060
mazooma
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I'm not dead yet
Posted 19 December 2008 - 05:00 PM
December 19
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Why did the employee get the sack from the M&M factory?
He was throwing out all the W's
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Why did the employee get the sack from the M&M factory?
He was throwing out all the W's
Where you came from, is gone.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
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