December 20
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How many visitors to a modern art exhbition does it take to change a lightbulb?
Five. One to do it, three to nod knowingly, and one to say, "Huh. My four-year-old could have painted that!"
2120 replies to this topic
#1061
mazooma
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Posted 20 December 2008 - 06:11 PM
Where you came from, is gone.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
#1062
RB
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PISH Artist
Posted 20 December 2008 - 10:14 PM
A 6 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom. 'You know what?' says the 6 year old. 'I think it's about time we started swearing. The 4 year old nods his head in approval. The 6 year old continues, 'When we go downstairs for breakfast, I'm gonna say something with shit and you say something with f***.' The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.
When the mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he wants for breakfast, he replies, 'Aw, shit, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios.'
WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with every step. His mom locks him in his room and shouts, 'You can stay there until I let you out!'
She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks with a stern voice 'And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?' I don't know, he blubbers, but you can bet it won't be f*****g Cheerios!!
When the mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he wants for breakfast, he replies, 'Aw, shit, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios.'
WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with every step. His mom locks him in his room and shouts, 'You can stay there until I let you out!'
She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks with a stern voice 'And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?' I don't know, he blubbers, but you can bet it won't be f*****g Cheerios!!
Cyberpunk:- alienated loner who lives on the edge of society in generally dystopic future where daily life is impacted by rapid technological change, an ubiquitous datasphere of computerized information, and invasive modification of the human body.....Hmmmmm
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#1063
jamespir
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Posted 21 December 2008 - 02:18 PM
december 21st
A scouser walks into the job centre & tells the assistant "im hard working, honest & desperste for a job", the assistant replies " thats fortunate, we have just got one in. We need a chauffeur for a millonaire, which includes looking after his twin nympho daughters whilst hes oversea's, it comes with a salary of 200k a year" the scouser says "you're bullhissing me......
The assistant replies " well you !!!!!! started it!"
A scouser walks into the job centre & tells the assistant "im hard working, honest & desperste for a job", the assistant replies " thats fortunate, we have just got one in. We need a chauffeur for a millonaire, which includes looking after his twin nympho daughters whilst hes oversea's, it comes with a salary of 200k a year" the scouser says "you're bullhissing me......
The assistant replies " well you !!!!!! started it!"
#1064
RB
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PISH Artist
Posted 21 December 2008 - 02:39 PM
Lovemaking tips for those over the age of 40
1. Wear your glasses. Make sure your partner is actually in the bed.
2. Set timer for 3 minutes, in case you doze off in the middle.
3. Set the mood with lighting. (Turn them ALL OFF!)
4. Make sure you put 999 on your speed dial before you begin.
5. Write partner's name on your hand in case you can't remember.
6. Keep the polygrip close by so your teeth don't end up under the bed.
7. Make all the noise you want. The neighbors are deaf too.
8. If it works, call everyone you know with the good news.
9. Don't even think about trying it twice.
1. Wear your glasses. Make sure your partner is actually in the bed.
2. Set timer for 3 minutes, in case you doze off in the middle.
3. Set the mood with lighting. (Turn them ALL OFF!)
4. Make sure you put 999 on your speed dial before you begin.
5. Write partner's name on your hand in case you can't remember.
6. Keep the polygrip close by so your teeth don't end up under the bed.
7. Make all the noise you want. The neighbors are deaf too.
8. If it works, call everyone you know with the good news.
9. Don't even think about trying it twice.
Cyberpunk:- alienated loner who lives on the edge of society in generally dystopic future where daily life is impacted by rapid technological change, an ubiquitous datasphere of computerized information, and invasive modification of the human body.....Hmmmmm
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#1065
Deano
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Posted 21 December 2008 - 05:10 PM
Bought the mother in law a wooden leg for christmas. Its not her main present just a stocking filler. :-D
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#1066
mazooma
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I'm not dead yet
Posted 21 December 2008 - 08:03 PM
December 21
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What do you call a person who is afraid of Santa Claus?
Claustrophobic.
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What do you call a person who is afraid of Santa Claus?
Claustrophobic.
Where you came from, is gone.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
#1067
mazooma
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I'm not dead yet
Posted 22 December 2008 - 07:53 PM
December 22
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Why was Santa's little helper depressed?
Because he had low elf-esteem.
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Why was Santa's little helper depressed?
Because he had low elf-esteem.
Where you came from, is gone.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
#1068
Deano
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Posted 22 December 2008 - 09:26 PM
Aren't blow up dolls great.I mean,where else can you find a woman that always looks shocked at the size of your cock!
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#1069
mazooma
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I'm not dead yet
Posted 23 December 2008 - 06:17 PM
December 23
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A journalist at a news conference said to the presidential candidate, "Your secretary says you have a small penis. Would yuo like to comment on that?"
"All I can say," replied the candidate, "is that woman has a big mouth."
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A journalist at a news conference said to the presidential candidate, "Your secretary says you have a small penis. Would yuo like to comment on that?"
"All I can say," replied the candidate, "is that woman has a big mouth."
Where you came from, is gone.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
#1070
tara10825
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Posted 23 December 2008 - 07:43 PM
An armed, hooded robber bursts into the Bank of Ireland and forces the
tellers to load a sack full of cash. On his way out the door with the
loot. One brave Irish customer grabs the hood and pulls it off
revealing the robber's face.The robber shoots the guy without
hesitation! He then looks around the bank to see if anyone else has
seen him. One of the tellers is looking straight at him and the
robbershoots him also.Everyone by now is very scared and looking down
at the floor.Did anyone else see my face?' the robber calls out. There
are a few moments silence, then one elderly Irish gent,
looking down, tentatively raises his hand and says:'I think me wife
may have caught a glimpse....
tellers to load a sack full of cash. On his way out the door with the
loot. One brave Irish customer grabs the hood and pulls it off
revealing the robber's face.The robber shoots the guy without
hesitation! He then looks around the bank to see if anyone else has
seen him. One of the tellers is looking straight at him and the
robbershoots him also.Everyone by now is very scared and looking down
at the floor.Did anyone else see my face?' the robber calls out. There
are a few moments silence, then one elderly Irish gent,
looking down, tentatively raises his hand and says:'I think me wife
may have caught a glimpse....
#1071
mazooma
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I'm not dead yet
Posted 24 December 2008 - 08:05 PM
December 24
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The medical student was asked if he had taken the patient's temperature.
"No, is it missing?"
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The medical student was asked if he had taken the patient's temperature.
"No, is it missing?"
Where you came from, is gone.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
#1072
RB
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PISH Artist
Posted 24 December 2008 - 11:30 PM
2 Cold Street
North Pole, Canada
H0H 0H0
I have been watching you very closely to see if you have been good this year, and since you have, I will be telling my elves to make some goodies for me to leave under your tree at Christmas. I was going to bring you all the gifts from "The Twelve Days of Christmas", but we had a little problem up here. The twelve fiddlers fiddling, have all come down with "VD" from fiddling with the ten ladies dancing. The eleven lords a leaping have knocked up the eight maids a milking, and the nine pipers playing, have been arrested for doing weird things to the seven swans a swimming. The six geese a laying, four calling birds, three french hens, two turtle doves, and a partridge in a pear tree, have me up to my butt in bird crap.
On top of all this, Mrs. Claus is going through menopause, eight of my reindeer are in heat, the elves have joined Gay Liberation, and those dumbass Newfoundlanders have re-scheduled Christmas for the 5th of February.
Sincerely,
Santa
North Pole, Canada
H0H 0H0
I have been watching you very closely to see if you have been good this year, and since you have, I will be telling my elves to make some goodies for me to leave under your tree at Christmas. I was going to bring you all the gifts from "The Twelve Days of Christmas", but we had a little problem up here. The twelve fiddlers fiddling, have all come down with "VD" from fiddling with the ten ladies dancing. The eleven lords a leaping have knocked up the eight maids a milking, and the nine pipers playing, have been arrested for doing weird things to the seven swans a swimming. The six geese a laying, four calling birds, three french hens, two turtle doves, and a partridge in a pear tree, have me up to my butt in bird crap.
On top of all this, Mrs. Claus is going through menopause, eight of my reindeer are in heat, the elves have joined Gay Liberation, and those dumbass Newfoundlanders have re-scheduled Christmas for the 5th of February.
Sincerely,
Santa
Cyberpunk:- alienated loner who lives on the edge of society in generally dystopic future where daily life is impacted by rapid technological change, an ubiquitous datasphere of computerized information, and invasive modification of the human body.....Hmmmmm
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[SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]
#1073
Liverpool2008
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I come back every now and then :p
Posted 24 December 2008 - 11:33 PM
2 Cold Street
North Pole, Canada
H0H 0H0
I have been watching you very closely to see if you have been good this year, and since you have, I will be telling my elves to make some goodies for me to leave under your tree at Christmas. I was going to bring you all the gifts from "The Twelve Days of Christmas", but we had a little problem up here. The twelve fiddlers fiddling, have all come down with "VD" from fiddling with the ten ladies dancing. The eleven lords a leaping have knocked up the eight maids a milking, and the nine pipers playing, have been arrested for doing weird things to the seven swans a swimming. The six geese a laying, four calling birds, three french hens, two turtle doves, and a partridge in a pear tree, have me up to my butt in bird crap.
On top of all this, Mrs. Claus is going through menopause, eight of my reindeer are in heat, the elves have joined Gay Liberation, and those dumbass Newfoundlanders have re-scheduled Christmas for the 5th of February.
Sincerely,
Santa
pmsl when i read the address thats close to mine .. I must live right next door lol
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#1074
mazooma
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I'm not dead yet
Posted 25 December 2008 - 10:05 AM
December 25 - Oh no! Santa gave me a joke-a-day calander for 2009
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Skiing terms for beginners:
Skier: One who pays an arm and a leg for the opportunity to break same.
Bones: There are 206 in the himan body, but don't worry: The two bones in the inner ear have never been broken by skiing.
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Skiing terms for beginners:
Skier: One who pays an arm and a leg for the opportunity to break same.
Bones: There are 206 in the himan body, but don't worry: The two bones in the inner ear have never been broken by skiing.
Where you came from, is gone.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
#1075
mazooma
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I'm not dead yet
Posted 26 December 2008 - 02:24 PM
December 26
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What did the mother corn cob say to her son?
"Don't forget to wash behind your ears!"
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What did the mother corn cob say to her son?
"Don't forget to wash behind your ears!"
Where you came from, is gone.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
#1076
mazooma
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I'm not dead yet
Posted 27 December 2008 - 03:18 PM
December 27
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What's pink and fluffy?
Pink fluff.
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What's pink and fluffy?
Pink fluff.
Where you came from, is gone.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
#1077
cashbox1
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The furniture
Posted 27 December 2008 - 11:03 PM
why does Cliff Richard wear boxers ??
cos he hates looking down on the unemployed
cos he hates looking down on the unemployed
Einstein`s theory of FME 90 downloads = 3 thanks
#1078
mazooma
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I'm not dead yet
Posted 28 December 2008 - 02:14 PM
December 28
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What's blue and fluffy?
Pink fluff holding its breath.
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What's blue and fluffy?
Pink fluff holding its breath.
Where you came from, is gone.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
#1079
cashbox1
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The furniture
Posted 28 December 2008 - 08:29 PM
On their first night together, a newlywed couple go to change. The new bride comes out of the bathroom showered and wearing a beautiful robe. The proud husband says, "My dear, we are married now, you can open your robe." The beautiful young woman opens her robe, and he is astonished."Oh, oh, aaaahhh," he exclaims, "My God you are so beautiful, let me take your picture. Puzzled she asks, "My picture?" He answers, "Yes my dear, so I can carry your beauty next to my heart forever".
She smiles and he takes her picture, and then he heads into the bathroom to shower. He comes out wearing his robe and the new wife asks, "Why do you wear a robe? We are married now." At that the man opens his robe and she exclaims, "oh, OH, OH MY, let me get a picture". He beams and asks why and she answers, "So I can get it enlarged!"
She smiles and he takes her picture, and then he heads into the bathroom to shower. He comes out wearing his robe and the new wife asks, "Why do you wear a robe? We are married now." At that the man opens his robe and she exclaims, "oh, OH, OH MY, let me get a picture". He beams and asks why and she answers, "So I can get it enlarged!"
Einstein`s theory of FME 90 downloads = 3 thanks
#1080
Matty.N
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Posted 29 December 2008 - 01:31 AM
A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:
"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."
To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He wwas whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:
"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."
To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He wwas whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"
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