2120 replies to this topic

[mazooma]

December 29
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What should you give your pooch if it's running a temperature?

Mustard. That's the best thing on a hot dog.

[cashbox1]

I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to arrange a date but unfortunately she'd popped her clogs.

[cashbox1]

I went down the local supermarket, I said "I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it". He said "Those are pickled onions"!!

[cashbox1]

A pirate walked into a bar and the bartender said, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible."

"What do you mean?" said the pirate, "I feel fine."

"What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before."

"Well, we were in a battle and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine now."

"Well, ok, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?"

"We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook. I'm fine, really."

"What about that eye patch?"

"Oh, one day we were at sea and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up and one of them crapped in my eye."

You're kidding," said the bartender, "you couldn't lose an eye just from some bird crap."

"It was my first day with the hook."

[RB]

Jane initially met Tarzan in the jungle, she was attracted to him, and during her questions about his life , she asked him how he had sex ?
"Tarzan not know sex" he replied. Jane explained to him what sex was.
Tarzan said "Oh,....Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree."
Horrified Jane said, " Tarzan you have it all wrong, but I will show you how to do it properly."
She took off her clothing and laid down on the ground. "Here" she said, pointing to her privates, "you must put it in here."
Tarzan removed his loin cloth, showing Jane his considerable manhood, stepped closer to her and kicked her in the crotch !
Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity. Eventually she managed to gasp for air and screamed "
What did you do that for ?"
Tarzan replied, " Just checking for squirrel..."

[mazooma]

December 30
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One evening a man said to his wife, "Hey honey, how about we try a new position tonight?"

"Sure," his wife replied. "Tonight you can stand by the ironing board, and I'll sit on the sofa and drink beer."

[curlywill]

just bought my epelectic mate a strobe light for christmas.

he'll have a f***in fit when he sees it

[Matty.N]

just bought my epelectic mate a strobe light for christmas.

he'll have a f***in fit when he sees it

hehe, thats a good one ^_^

[stanmarsh14]

Women have unique powers; they get wet without water, bleed without injury and make boneless things hard

[curlywill]

man staggers into a hospital with concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes and a 5 iron wrapped around his throat. doctor asks "what happened to you?" well i was playing golf with the wife when we sliced our balls into a field of cows. i found one in a cows fanny. i yelled to my wife "this looks like yours", i dont remember much after that...

[mazooma]

December 31 - Thats like the last day of the year.
------------------------------------------------

What kind of carzy bird yells "Polly wants a cracker!" when she jumps from an airplaine?

A parrot trooper.


======================================================

And perhaps coming next year:



But then again, maybe not.

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[algypan]

Well done for keeping this up!

Why has Edward Woodward got so many D's in his name?

Because if he didn't he would be called ewar woowar

[stanmarsh14]

How do you know if a guy has a high sperm count? If the bitch has to chew it before she swallows.

[Deano]

Nice one Stan.For your efforts and New Year happiness and all that,$2000 casino cash coming your way:bigeyes04:
Spend it wisely

[stanmarsh14]

Yea that's right I just ruined several Italian dishes for you. Now every time you bite into lasagne you'll have to wonder, "Is this cheese or the chef's love seed?"

[stanmarsh14]

Nice one Stan.For your efforts and New Year happiness and all that,$2000 casino cash coming your way:bigeyes04:
Spend it wisely

Mucho grassyarse

[RB]

Yea that's right I just ruined several Italian dishes for you. Now every time you bite into lasagne you'll have to wonder, "Is this cheese or the chef's love seed?"

You don't really think they use Mayo in Mcdonalds or KFC do ya......all the little spotty herberts round the back Jacking off into them industrial sized squeezie tubes.....thats why they have so many working there.

[voodoomau5]

You don't really think they use Mayo in Mcdonalds or KFC do ya......all the little spotty herberts round the back Jacking off into them industrial sized squeezie tubes.....thats why they have so many working there.

Hmmm funny how I can only get ketchup once a month

[duplu]

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.'
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. 'Good morning, Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to...'
'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been expecting you.'
'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?'
'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat'. After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?' ' Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.'
'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!'
'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.'
'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Smith.
'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.'
'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said.
'Oh, my word!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.
'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.'
'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith.
'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look'
'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.
'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.'
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?'
'It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away.'
'Tripod?' 'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long.'

Mrs. Smith Fainted!!

[mazooma]

What does a one-legged ballerina wear?

A one-one.