Man : My wife is mad at me again.
Barman: Why is that?
Man: When I opened the front door this morning, her mother was on the step outside with her suitcases. She said "Can I stay here for a few days?" I said, "No problem," and shut the door.
2120 replies to this topic
#1101
mazooma
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I'm not dead yet
Posted 09 January 2009 - 06:17 PM
Where you came from, is gone.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
#1102
mazooma
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I'm not dead yet
Posted 11 January 2009 - 11:43 AM
Max at the therapist's
Max: Doc, sometimes I think I'm an old goat.
Therapist: How long have you thought that?
Max: Since I was a kid.
Max: Doc, sometimes I think I'm an old goat.
Therapist: How long have you thought that?
Max: Since I was a kid.
Where you came from, is gone.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
#1103
mazooma
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I'm not dead yet
Posted 12 January 2009 - 07:46 PM
Artist: What's your opinion of my latest painting?
Critic: It's worthless.
Artist: I know, but I'd like to hear it anyway.
Critic: It's worthless.
Artist: I know, but I'd like to hear it anyway.
Where you came from, is gone.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
#1104
Deano
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BANNED FOR LIFE
Posted 13 January 2009 - 08:24 PM
Anyone want to buy a 50" LCD tv for £50?
The volume buttons broke but for that price you can't turn it down.
The volume buttons broke but for that price you can't turn it down.
[SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]
#1105
jamespir
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Posted 21 January 2009 - 09:49 PM
why did tarzan never smile .......he had a chimp on his shoulder
Velcro ...what a rip off
a freind of mine found a 10 pound note in a lump of earth ..... lucky sod
managers selling the local ice rink for 10p ...what a cheap skate
Velcro ...what a rip off
a freind of mine found a 10 pound note in a lump of earth ..... lucky sod
managers selling the local ice rink for 10p ...what a cheap skate
#1106
mazooma
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I'm not dead yet
Posted 23 January 2009 - 07:47 PM
Did you hear the one about the barber who finishes his work in half the time?
He knows shortcuts.
He knows shortcuts.
Where you came from, is gone.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
#1107
Posted 23 January 2009 - 08:21 PM
A blonde girl after school says "Mummmy, mummy, the rest of the class can only count upto 4 but I can count upto 6... 123456! Is it because I am blonde?"
"yes dear" smiles mum
Next day girl runs in "Mummy, mummy, the rest of the class only do abcd and I do abcdefg! Is it because I am blonde?"
"Yes, poppet." says mum
Next day girl runs in and says "Mummy, mummy, we had gym today and in the showers all the other girls are flat like boys, but I have these..." and she lifts her teeshirt to show enormous boobs..."Is it because I'm blonde?"
"No dear," sighs mum "It's because you're 25"
"yes dear" smiles mum
Next day girl runs in "Mummy, mummy, the rest of the class only do abcd and I do abcdefg! Is it because I am blonde?"
"Yes, poppet." says mum
Next day girl runs in and says "Mummy, mummy, we had gym today and in the showers all the other girls are flat like boys, but I have these..." and she lifts her teeshirt to show enormous boobs..."Is it because I'm blonde?"
"No dear," sighs mum "It's because you're 25"
#1108
curlywill
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Posted 24 January 2009 - 11:17 PM
christmas was great at the travolta house.
john got a ps3, his wife got an xbox 360 and his son had a wii fit
john got a ps3, his wife got an xbox 360 and his son had a wii fit
#1109
mazooma
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I'm not dead yet
Posted 26 January 2009 - 07:38 PM
A boy and his mother stood looking at a dentist's showcase. "If I had to have false teeth, mother, I'd take that pair," said the small boy, pointing. "Hush, Timmy," the mother said quickly, shaking his arm. "Haven't I told you it's rude to pick your teeth in public?"
Where you came from, is gone.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
#1110
Guest_damoc_*
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Posted 27 January 2009 - 08:31 PM
Simple Simon met a Pie Man on the way to the fair,
Said Simple Simon, to the Pie Man,
"What have you got there?"
"PIES, you stupid C**T!"
Said Simple Simon, to the Pie Man,
"What have you got there?"
"PIES, you stupid C**T!"
#1111
RB
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PISH Artist
Posted 28 January 2009 - 10:31 AM
A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa , taking her faithful aged poodle named Cuddles, along for the company.
One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, Cuddles discovers that he's lost.. Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.
The old poodle thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!" Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap the old poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?"
Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew!", says the leopard, "That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!"
Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.
The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!
Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?", but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says."Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!
Moral of this story....
Don't mess with old farts...age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill! Bullshit and brilliance only come with age and experience.
One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, Cuddles discovers that he's lost.. Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.
The old poodle thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!" Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap the old poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?"
Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew!", says the leopard, "That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!"
Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.
The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!
Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?", but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says."Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!
Moral of this story....
Don't mess with old farts...age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill! Bullshit and brilliance only come with age and experience.
Cyberpunk:- alienated loner who lives on the edge of society in generally dystopic future where daily life is impacted by rapid technological change, an ubiquitous datasphere of computerized information, and invasive modification of the human body.....Hmmmmm
[SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]
[SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]
#1112
RB
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PISH Artist
Posted 30 January 2009 - 12:10 AM
saw a dog shaggin a cabbage the other day, silly thing thought it was a collie.....
Cyberpunk:- alienated loner who lives on the edge of society in generally dystopic future where daily life is impacted by rapid technological change, an ubiquitous datasphere of computerized information, and invasive modification of the human body.....Hmmmmm
[SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]
[SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]
#1113
RB
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PISH Artist
Posted 30 January 2009 - 12:12 AM
During a visit to the mental hospital, I asked the Director how do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized?
'Well,' said the Director, 'we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub.'
'Oh, I understand,' I said.
'A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup.'
'No' said the Director, 'A normal person would pull the plug.
Do you want a bed near the window?'
'Well,' said the Director, 'we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub.'
'Oh, I understand,' I said.
'A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup.'
'No' said the Director, 'A normal person would pull the plug.
Do you want a bed near the window?'
Cyberpunk:- alienated loner who lives on the edge of society in generally dystopic future where daily life is impacted by rapid technological change, an ubiquitous datasphere of computerized information, and invasive modification of the human body.....Hmmmmm
[SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]
[SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]
#1114
Guest_damoc_*
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Posted 01 February 2009 - 07:01 PM
How do you stop a chav from drowning?
Take your foot off his head!
Take your foot off his head!
#1115
Guest_damoc_*
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Posted 02 February 2009 - 02:17 PM
Q.
What's the difference between a chav & a bucket of shit?
A.
The bucket!
What's the difference between a chav & a bucket of shit?
A.
The bucket!
#1116
curlywill
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Member
Posted 02 February 2009 - 03:04 PM
Q.
What's the difference between a chav & a bucket of shit?
A.
The bucket!
i take it you have a dislike for chavs lol.
#1117
RB
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PISH Artist
Posted 04 February 2009 - 12:29 PM
Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, 'Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor creature?'
Father Patrick replied, 'I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature.'
Muldoon said, 'I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think £5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?'
Father Patrick exclaimed, 'Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?
Father Patrick replied, 'I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature.'
Muldoon said, 'I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think £5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?'
Father Patrick exclaimed, 'Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?
Cyberpunk:- alienated loner who lives on the edge of society in generally dystopic future where daily life is impacted by rapid technological change, an ubiquitous datasphere of computerized information, and invasive modification of the human body.....Hmmmmm
[SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]
[SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]
#1118
mazooma
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I'm not dead yet
Posted 05 February 2009 - 06:28 PM
Monty got his paycheck on Friday but instead of going home, he spent the weekend partying with his friends. When he finally ran out of money on Sunday night, he returned home. He was confronted by his furious wife, who lectured him for hours about his lack of consideration. Finally she said to him, "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?" To which he blurted out, "That would be just fine with me!" Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went by and he didn't see his wife. Finally on Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.
Where you came from, is gone.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
#1119
Deano
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BANNED FOR LIFE
Posted 06 February 2009 - 11:03 AM
Scientists have just found a new drug for depressed lesbians.Its called TRYDIXAGAIN!
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#1120
stanmarsh14
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Sado-masochist
Posted 08 February 2009 - 05:30 PM
Six great kings who have brought people immense happiness.....
DRIN-KING
FUC-KING
LIC-KING
S UC-KING
SPAN-KING
&. .. WAN-KING!!!
DRIN-KING
FUC-KING
LIC-KING
S UC-KING
SPAN-KING
&. .. WAN-KING!!!
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