2120 replies to this topic

[curlywill]

a new E.U initiative has decided that you are no longer allowed to use the word pikey. you must now use the phrase "Caravan Utilising Nomadic Travellers". or C.U.N.T's for short

[RB]

An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:

Man: 'I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times.'

Priest: 'Are you sorry for your sins?'

Man: 'What sins?'

Priest: 'What kind of a Catholic are you?'

Man: 'I'm Jewish.'

Priest: 'Why are you telling me all this?'

Man: 'I'm 92 years old ... I'm telling everybody!'

[mazooma]

Max at the therapist's

Max: Doc, sometimes I think I'm Mickey Mouse; other times I think I'm Donald Duck; and there are times I think I'm the entire cast of High School Musical!

Therapist: How long have you been having these Disney spells?

[RB]

A couple had been married for 50 years.
They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife says, 'Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together.'
'I know,' the old man said. 'We were probably sitting here naked as a jaybird fifty years ago..'
'Well,' Granny snickered.. 'Let's relive some old times.'
Where upon, the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.
'You know, honey,' the little old lady breathlessly replied, 'My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago.'
'I wouldn't be surprised,' replied Gramps. 'One's in your coffee and the other is in your porridge.

[RB]

A man bumps into a woman in a hotel lobby and as he does, His elbow goes into her breast.
They are both quite startled.
The man turns to her and says, 'Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me.'
She replies, 'If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 221.'

[mazooma]

What did the French chef give his wife fo Valentine's Day?

A hug and a quiche.

[Deano]

Got the wife a new bag and belt for valentines Day.
The f****ng hoover works a treat now!

[Matty.N]

Got the wife a new bag and belt for valentines Day.
The f****ng hoover works a treat now!

pmsl :')

[RB]

I the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:
I do physical labor.
I work at great depths.
I plunge headfirst into everything I do.
I do not get weekends or pub[l]ic holidays off.
I work in a damp environment.
I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.
I work in high temperatures.
My work exposes me to contagious diseases.

Sincerely,

P. Niss

The Response :

Dear Penis:

After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you
Have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:
You do not work 8 hours straight.
You fall asleep after brief work periods.
You do not always follow the orders of the management team.
You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other locations.
You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working.
You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.
You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective clothing.
You will retire well before you are 65.
You are unable to work double shifts.
You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed the assigned task.
And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious-looking bags.

Sincerely,

V. Gina

[jamespir]

survey in paper is there too many immagrants in britain 17 percent said yes 2 percent said no ans 81% said sorry me no understand

[mazooma]

Max: Waiter, give me three portions of your hottest chili.

Waiter: You must really love spicy food.

Max: No, I hate it. But I really love Alka Seltzer.

[Deano]

A Polish man goes to Specsavers for an eye test.The optician shows him card with C Z W I X N O S T A C Z .
"Can you read that" said the optician.
"Read it? I know the c**t!".

[piesthecat]

A Polish man goes to Specsavers for an eye test.The optician shows him card with C Z W I X N O S T A C Z .
"Can you read that" said the optician.
"Read it? I know the c**t!".

two women go on a holiday to the carribian after 2 weeks they meet a black muscular bloke and start shagging him, they ask him what his name is , he goes my name is snow, the women started laughing , he goes y u laugh and they go cause when i go back and tell my hausbands they anit gonna believe that ive had 6 inchs of snow in the carribian


all the best from good friend pies

[RB]

Bill worked in a pickle factory.
He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion.
He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer.
His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill said he would be too embarrassed.
He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.
One day a few weeks later, Bill came home and his wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong.
'What's wrong, Bill?' she asked.
'Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?'
'Oh, Bill, you didn't' she exclaimed.
'Yes, I did.' he replied.

'My God, Bill, what happened?'

'I got fired.'

'No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?'

'Oh...she got fired too.'

[rizzla37]

iv just heard micheal jackson has gone to stay with maggie thatcher...coz if anybody can teach him to f*** about with miners she can.

[RB]

A Mexican woodpecker and a Canadian woodpecker were in Mexico arguing about which place had the toughest trees. The Mexican woodpecker claimed Mexico had a tree that no woodpecker could peck.
The Canadian woodpecker accepted his challenge and promptly pecked a hole in the tree with no problem. The Mexican woodpecker was amazed.
The Canadian woodpecker then challenged the Mexican woodpecker to peck a tree in Canada that was absolutely 'impeckable' (a term frequently used by woodpeckers ). The Mexican woodpecker expressed confidence that he could do it and accepted the challenge.
The two flew to Canada where the Mexican woodpecker successfully pecked the so-called 'impeckable' tree almost without breaking a sweat.
Both woodpeckers were now terribly confused. How is it that the Canadian woodpecker was able to peck the Mexican tree, and the Mexican woodpecker was able to peck the Canadian tree, yet neither was able to peck the tree in their own country?
After much woodpecker pondering, they both came to the same conclusion:

Apparently, your pecker gets harder when you're away from home

[Deano]

Two 90 year olds had been dating for a while and decided to have sex:oh:.As they lay there afterwards the man thought to himself "My God! if I'd known she was a virgin I'd have been more gentle".
The woman lay there thinking"My God! if I'd known the old boy could actually get it up I'd have taken my tights off".