Q. What's green & red and goes round at 100 miles an hour?
A. A frog in a blender!
2120 replies to this topic
#1162
mazooma
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I'm not dead yet
Posted 31 May 2009 - 02:20 PM
Did you hear the one about the two bedbugs who got engaged?
They married in the spring.
They married in the spring.
Where you came from, is gone.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
#1163
graf
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Posted 01 June 2009 - 07:34 AM
Go on - blow it up. You know you want to
#1164
mazooma
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I'm not dead yet
Posted 08 June 2009 - 06:05 PM
Two carrots were walking down the road when all of a suddeen a car hit one of them. The other carrot took the injured carrot to the hospital. After examining him, the doctor came into the waiting room and said, "I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that your friend will live. The bad news is he'll be a vegetable for the rest of his life."
Where you came from, is gone.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
#1165
mazooma
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I'm not dead yet
Posted 12 June 2009 - 07:11 PM
What did the tie say to the hat?
You go on a head, I'll just hang around.
You go on a head, I'll just hang around.
Where you came from, is gone.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
#1166
hitthesix
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Layout Designer
Posted 12 June 2009 - 07:18 PM
A mother brings eight year old Johnny home and tells his mother she caught him playing nurses and doctors with julie, her seven year old daughter.
Johnny's mum tells her not to worry as all children are bound to be curious about sex at that age.
"Curious about sex my ****" says julie's mother," He's taken her f******g appendix out!!!!"
Johnny's mum tells her not to worry as all children are bound to be curious about sex at that age.
"Curious about sex my ****" says julie's mother," He's taken her f******g appendix out!!!!"
#1167
mazooma
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I'm not dead yet
Posted 17 June 2009 - 08:08 PM
There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job it was to
process all the mail that had illegible addresses.
One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no
actual address or postcode. He thought he should open it to see what it
was about. The letter read:
*Dear God,
I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension.
Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had £100 in it, which was all the
money I had until my next pension payment. Next Sunday is my birthday,
and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that
money, I have nothing to buy food with, have no family to turn to, and
you are my only hope.
Please help me?
Sincerely, Edna
*The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other
workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few
pounds. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected £96, which
they put into an envelope and sent to the woman.
The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna
and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends.
A few days later, another letter came addressed to God and in the same
hand. All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened. It
read:
*Dear God,
How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of
your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends.
We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift.
By the way, there was £4 missing. I think it might have been those
bastards at the post office.
Sincerely,
Edna
process all the mail that had illegible addresses.
One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no
actual address or postcode. He thought he should open it to see what it
was about. The letter read:
*Dear God,
I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension.
Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had £100 in it, which was all the
money I had until my next pension payment. Next Sunday is my birthday,
and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that
money, I have nothing to buy food with, have no family to turn to, and
you are my only hope.
Please help me?
Sincerely, Edna
*The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other
workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few
pounds. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected £96, which
they put into an envelope and sent to the woman.
The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna
and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends.
A few days later, another letter came addressed to God and in the same
hand. All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened. It
read:
*Dear God,
How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of
your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends.
We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift.
By the way, there was £4 missing. I think it might have been those
bastards at the post office.
Sincerely,
Edna
Where you came from, is gone.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
#1168
mazooma
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Posted 04 July 2009 - 01:02 PM
Monty was tired of being bossed around so he asked the bartender what to do. The bartender said he needed to be more assertive. He told Monty exactly what to say when he got home. When Monty entered his house, he stormed past the door and walked up to his wife. Pointing his finger in her face he said, "From now on, I want you to know that I am the man of this house, and my word is law! I want you to stop whatever you're doing and prepare me a gourmet meal with a sumptuous dessert. Then, after dinner, you're going to run me a bath so I can relax. And when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"
"The funeral director," said his wife.
"The funeral director," said his wife.
Where you came from, is gone.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
#1169
frdsmth9
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Posted 09 July 2009 - 08:42 AM
Very funny , looks like you have very good humour.
#1170
mazooma
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I'm not dead yet
Posted 30 July 2009 - 07:27 PM
Monty: My dog kept biting my mother-in-law so I took him to the vet.
Bartender: Did you have it put to sleep?
Monty: No, I had it's teeth sharpened.
Bartender: Did you have it put to sleep?
Monty: No, I had it's teeth sharpened.
Where you came from, is gone.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
#1171
mattyballs
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psychatric help needed !
Posted 30 July 2009 - 11:11 PM
Monty: My dog kept biting my mother-in-law so I took him to the vet.
Bartender: Did you have it put to sleep?
Monty: No, I had it's teeth sharpened.
my dog bit my mother in law once,at a family barbeque, and she got down on her knees
AND BIT IT BACK...and i aint joking at all.....
if i had HALF of the HALF a brain ive got...i,d be EXTREMELY DANGEROUS...
_______________________________________________________________
http://mattyballsindrag.mybrute.com
u wanna fight,,fight me!...
(go on..beat up a bird with a dick!!)
_______________________________________________________________
http://mattyballsindrag.mybrute.com
u wanna fight,,fight me!...
(go on..beat up a bird with a dick!!)
#1173
RB
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PISH Artist
Posted 03 August 2009 - 12:00 AM
BEER vs. VAGINA!!! There are no losers...really.
1.Beer is always wet. Vagina needs a little work.
One point to BEER
2.Warm beer tastes awful.
One point to VAGINA
3.A really cold beer is satisfying.
One point to BEER
4.If after taking a swig of your favourite beer you find a hair
between your teeth, you may vomit.
One point to VAGINA
5. If you get home reeking of beer your wife may get mad, make a scene, kick you out, etc. If you get home reeking of vagina your wife may get mad, kick you out, even leave you. There's definitely a point to be had here, depending on your point of view and personal circumstances. I'll just call it a DRAW for the time being.
6. Ten beers in one night and you can't drive home. Ten vaginas in one night and you don't want to drive anywhere.
One point to VAGINA
7. If you have a lot of beer in a public place, your reputation may
suffer. If you eat any vagina in public, you become a legend.
One point to VAGINA
8. If a cop stops you and you smell of beer you may get arrested. If you smell of vagina he may buy you a beer.
One point to VAGINA
9. You normally don't find old beer.
One point to BEER
10. Too much beer and you'll think you see flying saucers. Too much
vagina and you'll think you've seen God.
One point to VAGINA
11.. Ripping off a beer bottle label is boring. Ripping off panties is
fun. One point to VAGINA
12. In most countries there's a tax on beer.
One point to VAGINA
13. If you have another beer the first one never gets pissed off.
One point to BEER
14. You can always be sure if you're the first one to open a bottle or a can.
One point to BEER
15. If you shake beer it'll get all agitated but eventually it
settles down. One point to BEER
16. With beer you always have choice: clear, dark,
pilsner,ale,lager,etc. One point to BEER
1 7. You always know how much beer is going to cost
One point to BEER
18. Beer doesn't have a mother
One point to BEER
19. Beer never expects to be hugged for half an hour after you
drink it. One point to BEER
20. Tapping a Keg... easy. Tapping a Vagina... may take you weeks.
One Point to BEER
Final Score: 11 BEER, 8 VAGINA
1.Beer is always wet. Vagina needs a little work.
One point to BEER
2.Warm beer tastes awful.
One point to VAGINA
3.A really cold beer is satisfying.
One point to BEER
4.If after taking a swig of your favourite beer you find a hair
between your teeth, you may vomit.
One point to VAGINA
5. If you get home reeking of beer your wife may get mad, make a scene, kick you out, etc. If you get home reeking of vagina your wife may get mad, kick you out, even leave you. There's definitely a point to be had here, depending on your point of view and personal circumstances. I'll just call it a DRAW for the time being.
6. Ten beers in one night and you can't drive home. Ten vaginas in one night and you don't want to drive anywhere.
One point to VAGINA
7. If you have a lot of beer in a public place, your reputation may
suffer. If you eat any vagina in public, you become a legend.
One point to VAGINA
8. If a cop stops you and you smell of beer you may get arrested. If you smell of vagina he may buy you a beer.
One point to VAGINA
9. You normally don't find old beer.
One point to BEER
10. Too much beer and you'll think you see flying saucers. Too much
vagina and you'll think you've seen God.
One point to VAGINA
11.. Ripping off a beer bottle label is boring. Ripping off panties is
fun. One point to VAGINA
12. In most countries there's a tax on beer.
One point to VAGINA
13. If you have another beer the first one never gets pissed off.
One point to BEER
14. You can always be sure if you're the first one to open a bottle or a can.
One point to BEER
15. If you shake beer it'll get all agitated but eventually it
settles down. One point to BEER
16. With beer you always have choice: clear, dark,
pilsner,ale,lager,etc. One point to BEER
1 7. You always know how much beer is going to cost
One point to BEER
18. Beer doesn't have a mother
One point to BEER
19. Beer never expects to be hugged for half an hour after you
drink it. One point to BEER
20. Tapping a Keg... easy. Tapping a Vagina... may take you weeks.
One Point to BEER
Final Score: 11 BEER, 8 VAGINA
Cyberpunk:- alienated loner who lives on the edge of society in generally dystopic future where daily life is impacted by rapid technological change, an ubiquitous datasphere of computerized information, and invasive modification of the human body.....Hmmmmm
[SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]
[SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]
#1174
todd1970
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The furniture
Posted 06 August 2009 - 09:28 AM
Got this in an e-mail this morning .. thought it was rather amusing.
9 Things I Hate About Everyone
1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time... I know where
my watch is pal, where the hell is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?
2 People who are willing to get off their arse to search the entire room for the T.V... remote because they refuse to walk to the T.V. and change the channel manually.
3 When people say 'Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too'. Damn right! What good is cake if you can't eat it?
4 When people say 'it's always the last place you look'. Of course it is. Why the hell would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they? Gonna Kick their arses!
5 When people say while watching a film 'did you see that?'. No Loser, I paid $12 to come to the cinema and stare at the damn floor.
6 People who ask 'Can I ask you a question?'.... Didn't really give me a choice there, did ya sunshine?
7. When something is 'new and improved!'. Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it.. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it, couldn't be new.
8 When people say 'life is short'. What the hell?? Life is the longest
damn thing anyone ever does!! What can you do that's longer?
9 When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks 'Has the bus come yet?'. If the bus came would I be standing here, dumbarse?
9 Things I Hate About Everyone
1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time... I know where
my watch is pal, where the hell is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?
2 People who are willing to get off their arse to search the entire room for the T.V... remote because they refuse to walk to the T.V. and change the channel manually.
3 When people say 'Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too'. Damn right! What good is cake if you can't eat it?
4 When people say 'it's always the last place you look'. Of course it is. Why the hell would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they? Gonna Kick their arses!
5 When people say while watching a film 'did you see that?'. No Loser, I paid $12 to come to the cinema and stare at the damn floor.
6 People who ask 'Can I ask you a question?'.... Didn't really give me a choice there, did ya sunshine?
7. When something is 'new and improved!'. Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it.. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it, couldn't be new.
8 When people say 'life is short'. What the hell?? Life is the longest
damn thing anyone ever does!! What can you do that's longer?
9 When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks 'Has the bus come yet?'. If the bus came would I be standing here, dumbarse?
Mmmmmm...Sandy ive 'ad her ye know. 
#1175
Guest_barcrest junky_*
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Posted 12 August 2009 - 05:18 PM
The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect the pilots to know their gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. Thge following exchange was overheard between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign "Speedbird 206"...
Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."
Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."
The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.
Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I’m looking up our gate location now."
Ground (with arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, haff you not been to Frankfurt before?"
Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944 but I didn’t stop."
Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."
Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."
The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.
Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I’m looking up our gate location now."
Ground (with arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, haff you not been to Frankfurt before?"
Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944 but I didn’t stop."
#1176
RB
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PISH Artist
Posted 16 August 2009 - 08:59 PM
Today the Police found an unidentified man's body in a park nearby. They describe him as having a Beer Belly, Saggy Balls, Wrinkly Ass and a Small Dick.
Are You Okay??
Are You Okay??
Cyberpunk:- alienated loner who lives on the edge of society in generally dystopic future where daily life is impacted by rapid technological change, an ubiquitous datasphere of computerized information, and invasive modification of the human body.....Hmmmmm
[SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]
[SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]
#1177
Fruity_Goodness
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Member
Posted 17 August 2009 - 09:26 AM
Death By Chocolate
BBC NEWS | World | Middle East | Anti-gay attacks on rise in Iraq
BBC NEWS | World | Middle East | Anti-gay attacks on rise in Iraq
Sometimes their bodies are daubed with offensive terms such as "pervert", or "puppy" which is a hate word for gay men in Iraq.
"We've heard stories confirmed by doctors of men having their anuses glued and then being force-fed laxatives which leads to a very painful death," says Rasha Mumneh, one of the authors of the Human Rights Watch report.
He who wrestles with a turd will be beshitted whether he fall under it or over it.
#1178
RB
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PISH Artist
Posted 19 August 2009 - 02:56 AM
I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, 'Dad, that lady isn't wearing a seat belt!'
Cyberpunk:- alienated loner who lives on the edge of society in generally dystopic future where daily life is impacted by rapid technological change, an ubiquitous datasphere of computerized information, and invasive modification of the human body.....Hmmmmm
[SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]
[SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]
#1179
mazooma
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I'm not dead yet
Posted 05 September 2009 - 12:26 PM
RJ and TJ read about Noah's ark at Sunday school. On the way home, RJ asked, "Do you think Noah did much fishing?" "How could he?" said TJ. "He only had two worms."
Where you came from, is gone.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
#1180
stanmarsh14
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Sado-masochist
Posted 13 September 2009 - 11:42 AM
Copied from http://www.viceland....-and-limericks/ .....
There was an old man of Corfu,
Who fed upon c.unt-juice and spew.
When he couldn’t get this,
He fed upon piss —
And a bloody good substitute, too.
There was an old man of Corfu,
Who fed upon c.unt-juice and spew.
When he couldn’t get this,
He fed upon piss —
And a bloody good substitute, too.
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