2120 replies to this topic

[hitthesix]

Apple computers today announced the release of a chip that can be implanted in a womans breast which plays music.

The i-tit will cost £399 and is regarded as a major breakthrough for women, as they are always complaining that men just stare at their tits and not actually listen to them!








A charity pantomime in aid of the Paranoid Schizophrenics Appeal, yesterday descended into chaos, when someone shouted,
"HE'S BEHIND YOU!"

[mazooma]

The grim reaper came to me the other day.

I fought him off with a vacuum cleaner.

Talk about dyson with death.........

[stanmarsh14]

Nymphomaniacal Alice
Used a dynamite stick as a phallus.
They found her vagina
In South Carolina
And the balance of Alice in Dallas.

[mazooma]

Half time in yesterday's Man City v Man Utd game.

In the Man Utd dressing room, the players are getting a really hard time....

"Right you lot! This is just not good enough. I need you to play dirtier - I don't care if you kick them City b*****ds, hack them, foul them, goddamit even punch them! - As long as you win this game - I don't care how you do it!!!"

Then Sir Alex Ferguson walks in and says, "Right Ref, I'll take over from here."

[stanmarsh14]

One for the Catholics

What do cabbage and anal sex have in common?

If you were forced to have it as a kid, you'll hate it as an adult.

[stanmarsh14]

A man walks into a bar, grinning from ear to ear, absolutely overjoyed. 'Why so happy?' said the barman. 'Well...' began the man, 'last night while walking home past the railway line I noticed a girl was tied to the tracks. I quickly ran over and untied her, and, in her state, decided it best to bring her home. We got back to my place and before I knew it we just started making love, the most amazing sex--cowgirl, anal, titty job, you name it. It was amazing, sublime!' 'Excellent!' said the barman 'How was the blowjob?' 'I don't know' said the man, 'I never found her head'.

[cashbox1]

michael barrymore has been found with a chocolate bar stuck up his arse,coppers are not suspecting foul play,however they`re blaming George Michael,saying it was a careless Wispa

[mazooma]

When I was young, my parents made me walk the plank.

We couldn't afford a dog.

[duplu]

A nun walks into Mother Superior's office and plunks down into a chair. She
lets out a sigh heavy with frustration.

"What troubles you, Sister?" asked the Mother Superior.. "I thought this
was the day you spent with your family."

"It was," sighed the Sister. "And I went to play golf with my brother. We
try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented golfer
before I devoted my life to Christ."

"I seem to recall that," the Mother Superior agreed. "So I take it your day
of recreation was not relaxing?"

"Far from it," snorted the Sister. "In fact, I even took the Lord's name in
vain today!"

"Goodness, Sister!" gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. "You must tell
me all about it!"

"Well, we were on the fifth tee...and this hole is a monster, Mother - 540
yard Par 5, with a nasty dogleg left and a hidden green...and I hit the
drive of my life. I creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever made.

And it's flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted...and it
hits a bird in mid-flight !"

"Oh my!" commiserated the Mother. "How unfortunate! But surely that didn't
make you blaspheme, Sister!"

"No, that wasn't it," admitted Sister. "While I was still trying to fathom
what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and
runs off down the fairway!"

"Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!" sympathized the Mother..

"But I didn't, Mother!" sobbed the Sister. "And I was so proud of myself!
And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk
swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball
still clutched in his paws!"

"So that's when you cursed," said the Mother with a knowing smile.

"Nope, that wasn't it either," cried the Sister, anguished, "because as the
hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the
hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his
paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!"

Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest,
fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said...

"You missed the f*****g putt, didn't you?"

[duplu]

A Mexican is strolling down the street in Mexico City and kicks a bottle
lying in the street.

Suddenly out of the bottle comes a Genie. The Mexican is stunned and the
Genie says, "Hello master, I will grant you one wish; anything you want."

The Mexican begins thinking, "Well, I really like drinking tequila."
Finally the Mexican says, "I wish to drink tequila whenever I want, so
make me pee tequila."

The Genie grants him his wish.

When the Mexican gets home, he gets a glass out of the cupboard and
pees in it. He looks at the glass and it's clear. Looks like tequila.
Then he smells the liquid. Smells like tequila. So he takes a taste
and it is the best tequila he has ever tasted.

The Mexican yells to his wife, "Consuelo, Consuelo, come quickly!"
She comes running down the hall and the Mexican takes another glass
out of the cupboard and fills it. He tells her to drink it. It is
tequila.

Consuelo is reluctant but goes ahead and takes a sip. It is the best
tequila she has ever tasted. The two drank and partied all night.

The next night the Mexican comes home from work and tells his wife to
get two glasses out of the cupboard. He proceeds to fill the two
glasses. The result is the same. The tequila is excellent and the
couple drinks until the sun comes up.

Finally Friday night comes and the Mexican comes home and tells his
wife, "Consuelo, grab one glass from the cupboard and we will drink
Tequila."

His wife gets the glass from the cupboard and sets it on the table.

The Mexican begins to fill the glass; and when he fills it, his wife
asks him, "But Pancho, why do we need only one glass?"

Pancho raises the glass and says, "Because tonight, Mi Senorita, you
drink from the bottle."

[hitthesix]

A nun walks into Mother Superior's office and plunks down into a chair. She
lets out a sigh heavy with frustration.

"What troubles you, Sister?" asked the Mother Superior.. "I thought this
was the day you spent with your family."

"It was," sighed the Sister. "And I went to play golf with my brother. We
try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented golfer
before I devoted my life to Christ."

"I seem to recall that," the Mother Superior agreed. "So I take it your day
of recreation was not relaxing?"

"Far from it," snorted the Sister. "In fact, I even took the Lord's name in
vain today!"

"Goodness, Sister!" gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. "You must tell
me all about it!"

"Well, we were on the fifth tee...and this hole is a monster, Mother - 540
yard Par 5, with a nasty dogleg left and a hidden green...and I hit the
drive of my life. I creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever made.

And it's flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted...and it
hits a bird in mid-flight !"

"Oh my!" commiserated the Mother. "How unfortunate! But surely that didn't
make you blaspheme, Sister!"

"No, that wasn't it," admitted Sister. "While I was still trying to fathom
what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and
runs off down the fairway!"

"Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!" sympathized the Mother..

"But I didn't, Mother!" sobbed the Sister. "And I was so proud of myself!
And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk
swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball
still clutched in his paws!"

"So that's when you cursed," said the Mother with a knowing smile.

"Nope, that wasn't it either," cried the Sister, anguished, "because as the
hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the
hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his
paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!"

Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest,
fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said...

"You missed the f*****g putt, didn't you?"

Now that's my kinda joke, class mate.

[stevedude2]

A hairdresser parks up outside Buckingham Palace and says to the guard, "Hello! I'm here to cut Prince Harry's hair!" The guard says, "OK, but you can't park here unless you've got a permit."

The hairdresser says, "No, I'm just giving him a short back and sides."

[hitthesix]

Doctors Office Etiquette
A man walked into a crowded doctor's office. As he approached
the desk, the receptionist asked, "Yes sir, may we help
you?"

"There's something wrong with my prick," he replied.

The receptionist became aggravated and said, "You shouldn't
come into a crowded office and say things like that."

"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you."
he said.

"We do not use language like that here," she said.
"Please go outside and come back in and say that there's
something wrong with your 'ear' or whatever."

The man walked out, waited several minutes and re entered.
The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?"

"There's something wrong with my 'ear'," he stated.
The receptionist nodded approvingly. "And what is wrong
with your ear, sir?"
>
>
>
>

"I can't piss out of it.", the man replied

[RB]

An old retired sailor puts on his old uniform and goes down to the docks once more for old time's sake.
He hires a prostitute and takes her up to a room. He's going at it as best as he can for a guy his age.
The old sailor asks, "How am I doing?"
The prostitute replies, "Well, sailor, you're doing about three knots."
"Three knots?" he replies, "What's that supposed to mean?"
She says, "You're knot hard, you're knot in, and you're knot getting your money back."

[RB]

An old prospector shuffled into the town of El Indio, Texas leading an old tired mule. The old man headed straight for the only saloon in town, to clear his parched throat. He walked up to the saloon and tied his old mule to the hitch rail. As he stood there, brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other.
The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, "Hey old man, have you ever danced?" The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, "No, I never did dance... never really wanted to."
A crowd had gathered as the gunslinger grinned and said, "Well, you old fool, you're gonna' dance now," and started shooting at the old man's feet. The old prospector, not wanting to get a toe blown off, started hopping around like a flea on a hot skillet. Everybody was laughing, fit to be tied.
When his last bullet had been fired, the young gunslinger, still laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon. The old man turned to his pack mule, pulled out a double-barreled shotgun, and cocked both hammers. The loud clicks carried clearly through the desert air.
The crowd stopped laughing immediately. The young gunslinger heard the sounds too, and he turned around very slowly. The silence was almost deafening. The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the old timer and the large gaping holes of those twin barrels.
The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in the old man's hands, as he quietly said, "Son, have you ever kissed a mule's ass?"
The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, "No sir..... but... I've always wanted to.

There are a few lessons for us all here:
Never be arrogant.
Don't waste ammunition.
Whiskey makes you think you're smarter than you are.
Always, always make sure you know who has the power
Don't mess with old men, they didn't get old by being stupid.

[mazooma]

I could never work in a job centre.

If I got fired I'd still have to go.