2120 replies to this topic

[stanmarsh14]

How To Get To Heaven from Scotland

I was testing children in my Glasgow Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting into heaven.

I asked them, "If I sold my house and my
car, had a big jumble sale and gave all my
money to the church, would that get me
into heaven?"

"NO!" the children answered.

"If I cleaned the church every day, mowed
the garden and kept everything tidy, would
that get me into heaven?"

Again, the answer was 'No!'

By now I was starting to smile.

"Well, then, if I was kind to animals and
gave sweets to all the children and
loved my husband, would that get me
into heaven?"

Again, they all answered 'No!'

I was just bursting with pride for them.

I continued, "Then how can I get into heaven?"

A six year old boy shouted,

"Yuv got tae be fukin' dead"

Kinda brings a wee tear tae yir eye...

[stanmarsh14]

(Pinched from this adult forum I use)

Banned from Wal Mart

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips
to Wal-Mart. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring
and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunately, my wife
is like most women - she loved to browse.

Yesterday, my dear wife received the following letter from the local
Wal-Mart:

Dear Mrs. Samsel,



Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a
commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have
been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against
Mr. Samsel are listed below and are documented by our video
surveillance cameras.

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in
people's carts when they weren't looking.

2 . July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-
minute intervals.

3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the
women's restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official
voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away. '

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&M's
on layaway.

6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other
shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets
from the bedding department.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him, he began
crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'

9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as
a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he
asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly
humming the 'Mission Impossible' theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna
look' by using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed
through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he
assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES
AGAIN!'

And last, but not least,


15. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited
awhile, then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in
here!'

[stanmarsh14]

There once was a whore named sue
Who filled her vagina with glue
She said with a grin
If they pay to get in
They can pay to get out of it too!

[mazooma]

There was a man who entered a pun contest.

He sent in 10 different puns in the hope that one would win.


Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

Edited by mazooma, 06 April 2011 - 07:16 PM.

[mazooma]

Alcohol wiil not solve any of your problems.

But then again, neither will milk.

[Daryl]

I saw a charity appeal the other day, it read:

"Little Zuki has to walk 13 miles a day and it takes two hours just to fetch water".

I couldn't help thinking... he should run... it would be quicker!!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I decided to take up cage fighting and I won my first fight...

... the damn budgie never knew what hit it!!

Edited by Daryl, 22 April 2011 - 09:34 PM.

[Daryl]

I felt suicidal so rang the suicide hot line today and got through to a call centre in Afghanistan.

Imagine my surprise when they got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck!

[mazooma]

"Excuse me, Kate, May I come in? I've somethin' to tell ya."

"Of course you can, you're always welcome. But where's my husband?"

"That's what I'm here to be tellin' ya, Kate. There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery..."

"Oh, God, no!" cries Kate. "Please don't ell me...."

"I must, Kate. YOur husband Patrick is dead and gone. I'm so sorry."

Finally she looked up. "How did it happen?"

"It was terrible, Kate, he fell into a vat of Guinness stout and drowned."

"Oh, my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, did he at least go quickly?"

"Well.. errm.., not really. Fact is, he got out three times for a pee."

[stanmarsh14]

In bingo slang, if the number eleven is referred to as 'Legs Eleven', does that mean that the number one is referred to as 'Heather Mills'?

[stanmarsh14]

Shamelessly pinched from this Adult Forum I use....

An American decided to write a book about famous Mosques around the world. So he bought a plane ticket and took a trip to China. On his first day he was inside a Mosque taking photographs when he noticed a golden telephone mounted on the wall with a sign that read "$10,000 per call".

The American, being intrigued, asked a priest who was strolling by what the telephone was used for. The priest replied that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 you could talk to Allah. The American thanked the priest and went along his way.

Next stop was in Japan. There, at a very large Mosque, he saw the same golden telephone with the same sign under it. He wondered if this was the same kind of telephone he had seen in China and he asked a nearby Holy man what its purpose was. He told him that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 he could talk to Allah. "O.K., thank you," said the American.

He then traveled to India, Sri Lanka, Russia, Turkey, Israel, France, Germany,. In every Mosque he saw the same golden telephone with the same "$10,000 per call" sign under it.

The American, upon leaving Vermont decided to travel to Pakistan to see if Pakistanis had the same phone. He arrived in Pakistan, and again, in the first Mosque he entered, there was the same golden telephone, but this time the sign under it read "One Rupee per call."

The American was surprised so he asked the priest about the sign. "Imam, I have traveled all over World and I have seen this same golden telephone in many Mosques. I am told that it is a direct line to Heaven, but everywhere the price was $10,000 per call." "Why is it so cheap here?" The priest smiled and answered, "You are in Pakistan now, son - it is a local call".

[mazooma]

Three friends die in a car accident, and they go to an orientation in heaven. They are all asked, "When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning you, what would you like to hear them say about you?"

The first guy says, "I would like to hear them say I was a great doctor in my time and a great family man."

The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and a schoolteacher who made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow."

The last guy replies, "I'd like to hear them say, 'Look! He's moving!'"

[Daryl]

...he turned to her, ran his hand up her thigh across her belly & down her legs - then he turned back to watch TV.

Gasping with passion, she asked: "Why stop?"

He replied: "I found the remote"!!

[Daryl]

says Poland gave the UK no votes in Eurovision Song Contest...
... fair enough, they're not supposed to vote for their own country anyway!!

[stanmarsh14]

A Tax Official has come to a rural synagogue for an inspection. Rabbi Gold is accompanying him.

"So rabbi, tell me, please, after you have distributed all your unleavened bread, what do you do with the crumbs?"

"Why, we gather them carefully and send them to the city and then they make bread of them again and send it to us."

"Ah. So what about candles after they are burnt? What do you do with the ends?"

"We send them to the city as well, and they make new candles from them and send them to us."

"And what about circumcision? What do you do with those leftover pieces?"

The rabbi, wearily, replies, "We send them to the city as well."

"To the city? And when you do this, what do they send to you?"

"Today they have sent you to us."

[mazooma]

How many old ladies does it take to change a light bulb?

Two.

One to change the bulb and another to say, "OOOoohhh, look, she's changing the lightbulb."

[mazooma]

A minister dies and is waiting in line at the pearly gates. Ahead of him is a guy in snglasses, a loud shirt, a leather jacket and jeans. Saint Peter addresses this guy:

"Who are you, so that I may know wheather or not to admit you to the kingdom of heaven?"

The guy replies, "I am Joe Cohen, taxi driver, of New York."

Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the taxi driver, "Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the kingdom of heaven."

The taxi driver goes into heaven with his robe and staff, and it's the minister's turn.

He stands erect and booms out, "I am Joseph Snow, pastor if Saint Mary's for the last forty-five years."

Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the minister, "Take this cotton robe and wooden staff, and enter the kingdom of heaven."

"Just a minute," says the minister. "That man was a taxi driver, and he gets a silken robe and golden staff. How can this be?"

"Up here, we work by results," says Saint Peter. "While you preached, people slept; while he drove, people prayed."

[RB]

Possible signs of a drink problem...

You lose arguments with inanimate objects.

You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.

Job interfering with your drinking.

Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.

The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.

You Sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive 5th food group.

24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case - coincidence?? - I think not!

Two hands and just one mouth... - now THAT'S a drinking problem!

The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the Pub.

Your twin sons are named Barley and Hops.

You wake up in the bedroom, your underwear is in the bathroom, you fell asleep clothed. - hmmm.

[RB]

A few of my fav Facebook status's:-

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm

Drink 'till she's cute, but stop before the wedding

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol

I intend to live forever - so far, so good

If you ain't makin' waves, you ain't kickin' hard enough!

Mental backup in progress - Do Not Disturb!

Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.

Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.

The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

If I worked as much as others, I would do as little as they.

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder...

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire.

When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.

Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?

Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

Black holes are where God divided by zero.

All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.

Death is life's way of telling you you've been fired.

[RB]

Sometimes when shit happens, you want to be able to articulate the experience more than just you've, taken a shit. Here are some shit definitions to help you explain the situation better to your friends and family...

Ghost Shit
You know you've shit. There's shit on the toilet paper, but no shit in the bowl.

Teflon Coated Shit
Comes out so slick, clean and easy that you don't feel it. No traces of shit on the toilet paper, you have to look in the bowl to be sure you did it!

Gooey Shit
This has the consistency of hot tar. You wipe your ass 12 times and it still doesn't come clean. You end up putting toilet paper in your underwear so you don't stain it. This shit leaves permanent skid marks in the toilet.

Second Thought Shit
You're all done wiping your ass and you're about to stand up when you realize it.....you've got some more.

Pop a Vein in Your Forehead Shit
(This kind is the kind of shit that killed Elvis.) It doesn't come until you're all sweaty, trembling and purple from straining so hard.

Bali Belly Shit
You shit so much you lose 5 kilos.

King Kong Shit

This shit is so big that you know it won't go down the toilet unless you break it into smaller chunks. A coat hanger works well. (This kind of shit usually happens at someone else's house.)

Wet Cheeks Shit
This shit hits the water sideways and makes a BIG splash that gets your ass wet.

Wish Shit
You sit there all cramped up and fart a few times, but no shit!

Cement Block or Oh God Shit
You wish you'd gotten a spinal block before you shit.

Cork Shit (Also Known as Floater Shit)
Even after the third flush, it's still floating in there. My god! How do I get rid of it? (This shit usually happens at someone else's house.)

The Bungee Shit
The kind of shit that just hangs off your ass before it falls into the water.

The Ring of Fire Shit
The kind of shit where you eat really spicy food and your asshole feels like the inside of a cigarette lighter.

The Shitty Shitty Bang Bang
The kind of shit that hits you when you're trapped in your car in a traffic jam.

The Incredible Hulk Shit
The king of shit that sits in the toilet overnight and mysteriously expands to twice it's normal size.

The Jack the Ripper Shit
The kind of shit that yanks out the hair of your ass as it pushes its way out.

The Party Pooper
The giant shit you take at a party. And when you flush the toilet, you watch in horror as the water starts to rise.

The Toxic Gas Shit
The kind of shit that makes you pass out and fall of the toilet before you finish, and then you wake up in some strange South American town.

Dirty Bowl Shit
The kind of shit that comes out in a million pieces a second, reminiscent of an avalanche - but with rocket propulsion, and splatters all over the toilet bowl.

The Windy City Shit
When you sit down, and fart for so long and hard that you no longer need to take a shit.

Oh Shit! Shit
You shit so much and wipe your ass so furiously you run out of toilet paper and you say OH SHIT!

The Never Ending Shit
It's the shit that keeps running out of your ass like pea, and just when you start wiping your ass your stomach gargles and splash, more shit runs out. This always happens after eating at Kentucky Fried Chicken.

Ouch That Hurt Shit
The type of shit that leaves you feeling like you just hoped onto a bicycle without a seat. Sensation usually lasts hours.